by Felicia Day
Regret only offers us the scenario of “better.” It’s a sleazy salesman trying to get us to buy a crappy product with shady science. And in essence, it’s telling us, “Everything you have now, even the things you love, are worth throwing away for something different.”
* * *
What do you regret that you didn’t do in the past?
Think of something that you believe could have theoretically changed the path of your life and made you happier.
List five ways that change could have made you more unhappy than you are now.
NOW list five things in your life that you cherish. A friend. A job. A creation. A child.
Absorb this thought: Those exact things you love might not exist without your exact path to NOW. Is all of the above WORTH LOSING for a theoretical “maybe”?
* * *
I used to be called “Miss Regrets” around my house. But since I had my baby, I’ve thrown that name out the window. It was very difficult for me to get pregnant. I had many failed attempts, naturally and with science. But I ended up with the perfect baby (objectively). So for me, falling back into a trap of thinking, Gee, I wish I could go back and change X… means embracing the possibility I would NOT have my exact baby whom I love more than anything.
BACK OFF, EMOTIONAL DINGO! NO ONE TAKES MY BABY! NOT EVEN ME!
Everything that has happened in our lives is so that we can get to the place we are now. And that is the place that leads us to where we need to go next. Paint that on a Zen garden rock or something.
I can’t regret my past because it gave me what I have in the present. I have learned too much, I have loved too much. I have earned my hurt too much. We all have. Yes, our lives would have been different if we had made different choices. Different is not better. It’s just different.
But HEYO! Who’s showing up now, preventing us from embracing that fact? (Anyone want to sing some Gin Blossoms right now? Anyone get that reference? Okay, just keep reading.)
Jealousy
I might have a tendency to go easy on Shame—after all, sometimes we mess up and there’s a reason for it. Regret? Fine, take a moment but move on. But Jealousy is, start to finish, stem to stern, THE WORST!
For one, Jealousy is a big, insecure fat liar. All its power, especially activated around creativity, stems from a place of powerlessness and fear. Underneath, we allow it to make us feel that someone else’s success is coming at the expense of our own. It’s a small, angry voice hissing inside our skulls, “There is a scarcity of success to go around, and that person has robbed me of my share! Hiss hiss.” THIS IS ANYTHING BUT TRUE!
There is no limit to the number of victories we can achieve in this life. Everyone could theoretically find success all at once, and we would still be okay. There is so much abundance in this world! Just go to Costco and see. There’s enough Big Mayo for EVERYONE!
This can be hard to wrap our head around, though, when we see someone else living out one of our dreams. I usually have the power to rise above it, but I used to have a “thing” about Zooey Deschanel. She is so cute. She gets all the quirky parts. She sings in a band. And she always dresses in a way that looks chic and oh so cute. I couldn’t watch her on awards shows for the longest time without thinking, I DESERVE THOSE DESIGNER FLATS TOO!
But the thing is, Jealousy is also dumb. Why covet what other people have achieved? Hello! Our success is tied to who we are. And each of us is weird. In a good way. A person’s path to success is UNIQUE and therefore ONLY ACHIEVABLE BY THAT PERSON. UNIQUELY! Remember our paragraph about a cat that was the only paragraph about a cat quite like that to ever have existed? If we were to be dropped in the exact same circumstances of other people’s lives, body-swap style, we would immediately start making different choices than they would and end up in different places just because we are all different creatures.
The fact is: we can only succeed in OUR world, not someone else’s. The RIGHT success for us comes when we are most planted in our own unique weirdness. Jealousy is essentially saying, “I don’t like the way I am. So be different and better, me.” Thanks for the actionable direction! You should be a life coach!
Last, Jealousy is lazy. When we envy others, we envy the reward of their efforts rather than the efforts themselves. Anything that we feel jealous about is a result of blood, sweat, and tears. Effort that we may never have enjoyed ourselves at all. Sure, I’d love to have invented Spanx, or sing like Lady Gaga, or have created Over the Garden Wall, the greatest animated miniseries in history (nonnegotiable opinion). But when I break down the steps of how each of those creators achieve all those things, I see why I’m not there: BECAUSE I AM NOT THEM AND I DID NOT WANT TO DO THE WORK THEY DID TO GET TO WHERE THEY ARE.
We cannot separate achievement from process. A bit of research on anyone we are jealous of will reveal that no one has it easy. Everyone struggles and is rejected and sobs in the shower every now and then. The question to ask ourselves is: Are we truly willing to endure as many “downs” as the person we’re jealous of did to earn their “ups”?
But of course, Jealousy peaces out if actual EFFORT is required. Because it’s more of an armchair quarterback than anything. Like I said: the Worst. So the best thing we can do when the catty terror of Jealousy rears its head is focus on ourselves. And on our own uniquely weird creative work. We have to drive our car looking out the front windshield, not constantly staring at the person in the passenger seat. That’s what actors do in bad TV shows and I’m constantly screaming as I watch, “YOU’RE GOING TO CRASH, LOOK AT THE ROAD AND STOP EMOTING!”
* * *
Name someone who makes you jealous. Do you envy their fame? Their money? The way people love them? What exactly do you believe you deserve that they have and you do not?
Now think: Do you actually know what their daily life is like? Do some research! Read their biography. Scroll through their social media.
Be honest: Do you envy the struggles in their lives, or is it just the accolades you’re focusing on?
* * *
So how did you like our survey of emotional poisons? Would recommend? Needs work? Invariably, shame, regret, and jealousy WILL spring up in our lives. There’s no getting around it. But there IS an antidote to apply when we start to feel symptoms.
What’s the best way to uninvite these forces (and anything else, for that matter) from our brains and get on with our creativity?
GET OUR MOTHER-EFFIN’ HALOS OUT!
In an age of glamorizing antiheroes and mocking anything earnest, it’s difficult not to feel dorky diving into emotions that are considered “saintly.” If we met Pollyanna on the street, everyone would want to punch her, I get it. But I don’t think two millennia of lessons about “good” human qualities is worth throwing out because they’re slightly cringeworthy.
If we’re able to picture ourselves as virtuous, amazing creatures rising above whatever base enemies are holding us back, we can overcome the toxic stuff. Feel more confident. And a wee bit self-righteous. And that’s okay! If it works, use it! Remember how calm Neo from The Matrix was when he was fighting three thousand clones? Let’s channel THAT badass and see how “dorky” we feel afterward!
Forgiveness—I messed up. It happened. It’s okay to move on. (GUT PUNCH)
Gratitude—Thank you for this mistake. The opportunity to learn from it is an opportunity for my growth. (LEFT HOOK)
Generosity—I’m happy to celebrate other people’s victories. There is no scarcity of opportunity. We can all succeed, together. (KICK TO THE SHIN)
Acceptance—What happened is what needed to happen to get me where I need to go. Any other way is not my path. (KNOCKOUT!)
There’s a card game called Magic the Gathering I really love. It has five colors of cards in the deck. The color white is often represented by Angels, who generally wear a smug expression and STOP things from happening in the game. They also protect and enhance those whom they’re aligned with. Super irritating, but cool! If a li
ttle bit of that smug Angel attitude can rid us of vipers trying to poison our well of creativity, channel it! Picture that halo on our heads, clean white robes swirling around us, and glowy postfacial skin leading the way into our creativity-filled futures.
Shame, regret, and jealousy all have, at their core, a longing to CHANGE. The past. Ourselves. But accepting that we’re imperfect, and knowing we have a right to exist anyway, is an empowering and important life tool.
So Shame, Regret, and Jealousy?
SUCK IT!
* * *
In the graphic below, you see a pond full of coins. In each coin, write a wish of success for someone. People you know in real life or people you admire. ALSO people you hate. Add more coins and wish for more!
When we activate positive emotions in our brain, they not only counteract the negative, they serve as a reward. So be selfish and think good thoughts! There’s literally no downside!
* * *
Real-Life Foes (Stereotypes/Criticism/Human Enemies)
I recently became addicted to Monty Don, a British TV host who specializes in gardening. Monty is VERY British. Like, he ticks every cliché like The Big Bang Theory nails down nerd. He likes to gallivant across Europe, showing off the most amazing gardens of the long-dead rich. He strolls through the greenery, spewing elegant commentary, wearing what could only be described as Sherlock Holmes chic. Tweeds. Jaunty caps. A cane that he strides boldly with as if saying, “Grow, beautiful Earth. GROW.”
sips tea
eats biscuit
I guess my admiration is for his aura as much as his gardening. He’s gentle and positive. It’s the opposite of how I approach greenery. For me, tending the outside of my house is a combat sport. I hate getting dirty, but I LOVE killing things. I will deliberately pull a weed as SLOWLY AS I CAN to feel each little root rip away from the life-giving Earth. Half the time I kill as many good plants as bad. I could see myself taking the mower and just CLEARING a whole patch of roses just because there was one dandelion in it. Not surprisingly, no one lets me into the yard unsupervised anymore.
My point is, I’ve been getting into plants lately (at least watching them on TV) and thought I’d use them to paint a beautiful picture. Imagine looking at our Hero-Selves as a walled garden we’ve built to grow our blooms of creativity. Up until this point the enemies we’ve focused on are weeds that could strangle our creations from inside the garden itself (i.e., our brains). But we also have to learn how to deal with external enemies before we harvest our “flowers” and, er, take them to the farmers’ market (just hang in with the metaphor, I’m almost finished). Real-life foes could attack our bouquets after we make them and rip them to shreds. Or they might drive their siege engines and fling fire over our walls to burn our crops to the ground before they have a chance to grow at all. I’m not getting hysterical! Don’t tell me to calm down! THEY’RE OUT THERE! AND THEY WANT TO RIP APART OUR IMAGINARY CREATIVE FLOWERS! WHAT WOULD MONTY DON DO?
Monty gazes over the destruction. Tuts. “Most unfortunate.”
sips tea
eats biscuit
Okay, here’s a graphic so we can all absorb how awesome my metaphor is because I WILL NOT LET IT GO.
So how do we protect our garden and our flowers from outside destructive forces? Well, one option is to never show our flowers at all. There’s an amazing documentary called Finding Vivian Maier about a woman who lived in Chicago from the 1950s to the ’70s. She worked as a nanny but, unbeknownst to the world, was one of the most brilliant street photographers out there. Her work was discovered in an unpaid storage unit after her death. Had she shared her work during her life, she might have been lauded. But she died never having done it. Why? Er… the film doesn’t answer that. Perhaps taking the photos was enough for her? And that’s fine! If we want to live a double life like a superhero, accountant by day/secret world-class glassblower at night, no one can stop us.
But creating in isolation isn’t enough for most of us. Because, at the heart of it, creativity is about how expressing ourselves affects other people. We want to be understood, we want to share who we are. Whether we try to create great art to last the ages, or just want a cool hobby to talk about at parties, the act of creation is a celebration of our humanity, and it feels wonderful to release it into the world. (If you don’t read the YouTube comments. Please never read the YouTube comments.)
In truth, no matter how misanthropic we are, life will have its fingerprints all over our creativity whether we like it or not. We can’t create in a vacuum because we don’t exist in a vacuum. (We can’t, we’d lose consciousness after about fifteen seconds. Oh wait, that wasn’t meant to be taken literally.) That’s why we have to fight the first of our real-life foes at every turn.
Stereotypes
Our looks and background influence how others treat us more than we can appreciate. In small ways, like our tendency to befriend people who dress like us, or outright generalizing with stuff like, “Hey, you’re tall, you should play basketball!” It’s crappy, and messed up. (Especially since I reflexively say that to ALL tall people.)
Society reinforces this concept by propagating “helpful” shorthands to more easily categorize people. This is how we get stereotypes. “My culture tells me that old people are ________. She’s _____ because she wears a nerdy T-shirt. He’s _____ because he drives that very racy car, and it definitely involves the size of his peepee.” UGH. PUKE. HURLY HURL.
It takes effort to avoid buying into stereotypes. And even more to defy them. Because people get SUPER ANGRY when called out about their wrong assumptions. It’s so weird that people get enraged when offered the opportunity to see other people in a different way, but hey! The world is a bag o’ nuts and this proves it!
I generally dress my baby in gender-neutral clothes, because God forbid pink or ruffles ever enter my own wardrobe, and until she asks for alternatives, she’s wearing robots, unicorns, and dinosaurs. Nine times out of ten, people assume she’s a boy. I never correct them, but I will sometimes say mildly, “Yes, she loves her dinosaur shirts.” I’ve never seen such rage in some random old lady’s eyes as when she got my baby’s gender wrong. “Why aren’t you dressing her in pink?” Like I did it to embarrass her! Well, ma’am, I don’t know you and wasn’t aware I needed to cater my baby’s existence to validate your assumptions of her at this grocery store today. ALSO THERE ARE THIRTEEN ITEMS IN YOUR BASKET AND THIS IS THE TEN-ITEMS-OR-LESS LINE BUT I HAVEN’T POINTED THAT OUT BECAUSE I’M NOT THE RUDE ONE HERE!
When stereotypes are heaped upon us, we may adopt them as part of who we are without noticing. And this can lead us away from our authentic Hero-Selves. Perhaps our gender makes us think we shouldn’t take shop or show choir as an elective in school. Or we’re dissuaded from a potential creative outlet after hearing things like, “You can’t do ballet, your thighs are too large.” Or we’re pressured into abandoning geeky interests because we’re too “hot” (YES, it happens, stop being biased! ). When life tells us to zig, it’s hard to zag. But if we always zig, we might be zigging away from who we truly are. Nothing helps our creativity more than a good zagging. (That sounded so dirty. Snicker.)
* * *
List some stereotypes that accompany you throughout life. Whether larger things like ethnicity, sex, and race, or smaller things like being tall, having freckles, or wearing glasses.
What assumptions have been made about you because of them?
How could these stereotypes be affecting your creativity?
* * *
Stereotypes can also creep in and taint our own creative work because it’s much easier to grab low-hanging fruit than the tastier fruit on the higher (more truthful) branches. This is obvious in humor: people are tempted to reach for the very lowest ones for a laugh. “She’s undateable because she plays video games!” “He’s gay because he’s FABULOUS!” NO! Please stop the laugh track and let me off this sitcom!
The good thing is that we already have the tools to deal with this!
We’re often called “weird” for the very fact that we defy stereotypes in some way. So we can dig into THOSE areas in order to fuel our creativity! For example, the cliché is that often women are not great at math. But I’m a woman who loves math. You can’t show me an equation I don’t think is hella sexy. Start reading me the quadratic equation and I’ll be in my underwear before “2a.” Throughout my life I’ve heard a “That’s weird!” response when people learn about it, as if I’d just announced that I’m engaged to a dolphin named Gary or something. (I would never tell people about Gary. I keep my private life private.) I could have let this response dissuade me from loving math and other geeky things. But I didn’t. Instead, I was more determined to brandish who I was in people’s faces. The only reason I created The Guild web series was that I was tired of being judged for playing video games. I wanted to turn people’s “That’s weird!” reactions into “That’s cool!” Talk about MacGyvering a crappy situation!
Only WE can ensure that our creativity resists outside pressures to conform. And in rebelling against stereotypes, we can find enormous power. “You’re a girl, you can’t write fight scenes with big explosions.” YES I CAN! Here’s a rocket to the face to prove it!
* * *
Name five ways you defy stereotypes. (Hint: These will often be tied to what you think of as your weirdnesses.)
Brainstorm things you could create that show how you defy them. For example, an essay about loving something you’re “age-inappropriate” for, like quilting or trampoline parks. The more defiant the creative outlet, the better!