by Eden O'Neill
I hoped tomorrow never came.
Two
December
My sheets were free of Royal Prinze when I woke up, and it hurt how I’d become so dependent on him so quickly. When I first moved to Maywood Heights and came to Windsor Prep, I couldn’t stand him and even borderline hated him.
So why now, did I shiver without his arms?
I grabbed my puppy instead, reaching down for her as the sun slammed harshly into my eyes. Between crying and whatever the hell time it was, my eyes weren’t having it. My little chocolate lab hopped onto my bed the minute I leveled her with it, and I grabbed my phone after.
Royal: I had to leave and take care of something. I’m sorry.
Another one of his sorrys, fitting since I couldn’t stop crying. Reality came back with a rush, and as I lay back down, my puppy licking my face, I could only close my eyes again. I couldn’t do this day right now.
I just wasn’t ready.
I think I fell asleep because by the time I woke up, the day was well into the afternoon. I knew by the fresh light that was no longer there and the chill around had me opening my eyes. My window let me see the impossible, snowflake flutters I’d only seen in pictures. It tended not to snow in California, but I guess in the Midwest, October was game. A knock hit my door behind me, and I said nothing, snuggling Hershey. Eventually, the door cracked open.
“December?”
I burrowed deeper into my blankets, knowing I was still naked from my night with Royal Prinze. I knew Rosanna was a girl, but I really wasn’t trying to be seen naked on top of everything else. I lay quiet, and eventually, a step came into my room.
“Your dad’s back,” she said, a strain in her voice. I couldn’t see her with my back turned but I didn’t need to. I was sure she’d cried a few of her own tears, and though I didn’t know how close she’d been with my sister, she’d been good to me. She’d been kind, and if our relationship was any indicator, she’d been the same with my sister. She’d been a friend too. Her sigh staggered. “He’d like to see you if you could come down.”
My dad was back already. My dad was here with news.
I had to face reality again.
I had my puppy in my arms when I came downstairs, my oversize shirt and shorts on. After this talk with my dad, I had every intention of getting back into my bed and pulling the sheets over my head. I might even do that before the end of this talk if my strength didn’t hold up. We would see, I guess.
Steps let my dad know I entered the room, his head moving. In his clothes from last night, he had his hands in his pockets, his back to me as he stared at the snowflakes I just discovered myself upstairs.
Rosanna led me to a seat, the woman’s eyes just as red as Royal’s last night. She sat beside me on the couch, and squeezing Hershey, I put my legs up.
Dad angled his head back. “What did I say about having the dog on furniture?”
I stiffened, not expecting that. In the days leading up to this moment, my dad had certainly gotten better when it came to Hershey. He even let her live with us, the pink collar and tag around her neck even given to me by him. I fingered it. “I’ll hold her. I promise.”
His only response was a gaze out the window, and since he didn’t protest about my proposal, I sat tight, stiff with a normally restless puppy. Was this how it would be with my dad again? We’d been making progress…
But that had been before, hadn’t it? It’d been during a time when he finally started getting used to me being in his space and accepting my reasons for coming here. I came here for my sister. I hoped my presence would ultimately bring her back. She always came to rescue me, and knowing I was in her space, I thought she’d do the same. She’d always been very adamant about keeping me out of her world and her life here, and after living in it for a time, I understood. Besides the stuff going on with my father, there was a law here run by none other than Royal and other boys in town known as the Court. They were a pretty big fucking deal in this town, and I had crossed them a time or two. That’d been when I hadn’t understood Royal and his relationship with Paige as his best friend. But when things had started to settle down on that front, the same ended up happened at home. My dad and I had started to get along, and dare I say, he wanted me here. I hadn’t been a burden to him.
I breathed hard. “You saw her?” He came back so quickly. Had he even been gone?
My question went without words, my dad suddenly tense as he braced his arms. “I did. It was her… What was left anyway. There wasn’t much.”
A hand squeezed mine, Rosanna, and I closed my eyes, the tears squeezing down. No one could prepare themselves for something like this. I mean, what the fuck.
“And she was dragged, Mr. Lindquist?” Rosanna asked, braver than me. I had more questions too, but I refused to ask them.
My dad gave us that with his nod. “The officials are saying from Corrington Meadows, a town or so over. They’re thinking she got hit sometime between four and six. A train went through during that time. It was dark, early in the morning.”
It was dark.
Everything Royal said came flying back, everything true. Everything goddamn true.
“And the amount of alcohol the coroner said was in her system was off the charts,” my dad explained, shaking his head. “She was out there, wandering around wasted, and got herself—”
“Dad?” I retched, an arm coming around and squeezing me. Rosanna rubbed my arm, my tears falling again. I didn’t care what my sister did. He couldn’t talk that way about her. Not now.
Dad closed his lips, his hands moving to slide inside his pockets. Turning away, he faced the window again. “I’ve chosen to have her cremated considering.”
I closed my eyes again, not wanting to hear any of this. This was the point where I wanted to run from the conversation and back into my blankets. This was just too fucking much, but I stayed, holding on tight to my puppy.
“I guess all that’s left now is to pack.”
I lifted my head. “Pack?”
Dad nodded just once. “You’ll be taking time out of school, and I’ve already notified them, as well as leave from your job. We’re going to California. Your aunt already knows we’re coming to bury your sister.”
God, Aunt Celeste. I hadn’t even gotten to talk to her in all this. Though, she had tried to call a time or two. I knew my dad had been talking to her as I heard her name a few times when he’d been tense on his cell phone last night. She was aware of what was going on, aware of my sister’s death.
Dad glanced back at me. “So get your stuff together. I’ve already started the arrangements for your sister to be with your mom. They just need us, need us to bring her.”
My mom and sister together. My mom and sister buried together at my mom’s plot…
And so my own personal nightmare continued.
Three
Royal - Age 8
I whimpered, the sting making me rock. I needed to go inside. I needed to get up.
Get up. Get up before someone finds out.
I couldn’t, crying. It hurt so bad this time, and I gazed down, the cut bleeding through my jacket sleeve. Through burning tears, I peeled off my school jacket. The blood seeped all the way through my white shirt and everything.
Oh, no.
I messed with the button until I rolled the sleeve up, biting my lip so no one would hear my cries. I saw all the blood, and I almost threw up. I couldn’t even see the cut.
I started to touch it but stopped, feeling like I might pass out.
What am I going to do?
“You’re cut, kid.”
A girl was out here with me, my height with dark braids in her hair and even darker eyes. She smiled at me, on her knees behind the tree with me. I didn’t know how she’d found me. I’d been hiding, quiet.
I sniffed. “It’s not bad.” It wasn’t bad. It could be worse.
Her smile fell as she pointed to my face. “You’ve been hit too.”
I said not
hing, my hand going to my hot cheek. I shook my head. “I fell.”
She crawled toward me, on her knees in sneakers that weren’t allowed. I’d tried to wear mine once to school and got yelled at. This girl must be new. I hadn’t seen her before. She put out a hand. “Come on. Let’s fix it.”
How could she fix it? She wasn’t a nurse or anything, and I’d have to go inside for that.
I stayed put, hesitant.
She crossed her arms, a red bandana tied around her neck like a cowboy. “Well, I guess if you want to stay out here by yourself all day, that’s fine. I’m going to school.”
She started to leave, and I got up too. I couldn’t stay outside all day. I might get in trouble.
I held my arm and her smile came back. She took my wrist, guiding me out from behind the tree, and I let her take me to the school fountain. It looked like a dolphin in the midst of escape. It was leaving. It was swimming far away. There was a hose by the fountain the school’s gardener used and she picked it up, unscrewing the sprayer off.
“Here,” she said, putting my arm under running water from the hose. The initial sting made me jerk my arm back, but she merely smiled. She kept doing that at me, smiling. “It’s okay. It’ll feel better, okay?”
“Okay.” I let her keep my arm under, closing my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see all the blood. I didn’t like blood. I hated it. I opened my eyes, and when I did, she didn’t make me see the cut anymore. She’d placed the hose down, her bandana in her hands.
She tied it, right around my arm and the cut. She didn’t care if I got blood on it for some reason. I’d care.
After she finished, she looked really proud of the job she did, and it was a good job. It didn’t hurt anymore. Not even my face that had burned so bad.
“I’m Paige,” she said, putting out a hand.
I took it, smiling too. “I’m Royal, Royal Prinze.”
Four
December - Present
Dad worked most of the trip from the Midwest to LA, falling back into old habits very quickly. He did the same thing after Mom died, on the phone or on the computer. His laptop had been completely secured to his lap in the first-class seats he provided for him and me, and I wished to God Rosanna had been able to come. She’d wanted to, grieving just as much as I was, but she had a family she went back to nightly. They needed her, regardless that Dad had offered to pay her way down with us. With her in Maywood Heights, she’d be caring for my dad’s house as well as Hershey. A puppy along for this ride was just one more thing I’d have to juggle along with my emotions. Rosanna promised to FaceTime with me daily so I would at least see her and Hershey. Without Rosanna, that left my dad and me at the mercy of each other, something he completely avoided the entirety of our trip to bury my sister. Parental duties seemed optional as he more than took the hands-off approach to this trip. He had people to get our bags, drive us from the airport, get us food, and everything. He did nothing for me or with me, the only words exchanged about service arrangements. My sister’s remains would be cremated, then aired over to LA for a memorial service. He had it all taken care of.
All but the being-present part.
He abandoned me, at least mentally, and this was chillingly familiar. He’d taken a similar approach when Mom died, all that made easier when he and my sister moved halfway across the country.
I hugged my body in the back of a town car, traveling highways and streets I was more familiar with than where I actually lived. I stayed in LA because that’s where our family had lived before our mom died from cancer…
My mom. It’s just me and Dad now, isn’t it?
My heart searing, I closed my eyes, hearing my dad beside me.
“You won’t be wearing that to the service, will you?”
I turned to find him looking at me.
He tipped a chin in my direction. “Your nose piercing? It’ll be inappropriate for such a formal event.”
My sister wouldn’t care how I looked.
Trying not to cry, I told him no, wondering now what was next for me. Now that my sister was gone I had no reason to stay with my dad. I could come back home, come… here. Paige would be here now, along with my mom.
I dampened my lips, silent all the way to Dad’s Airbnb. He basically had us set up in a mini version of his own home, a housekeeper and everything, in the Hollywood Hills, and after getting our bags dropped off, my dad trekked to the LA slums with me, aka my aunt Celeste’s place. She’d be waiting for us since she’d be coming along for our journey into the fucked-up process that was burying my only sister. She probably wouldn’t have a say in the arrangements, all this my dad, but she was coming. She was adamant about that, and the reception would actually be at her house. Dad hadn’t liked that one, and I heard him arguing with her most of last night about it on the phone. He must have lost that one because, as far as I knew, it was still happening.
People making this all about themselves…
Who knew if my dad or even my aunt cared about what my sister actually wanted. They hadn’t cared about her, giving up on her. Maybe if they would have looked into her disappearance sooner like I had, she might be here right now, or at least found sooner.
I brought my legs up, cradling them as our sedan came to a stop. The driver opened my door and then my dad’s, my father completely oblivious as he spouted off commands to someone.
“It better damn well be here by service time, or you can expect a lawsuit for the breech of contract,” he said, then covered his phone. He nodded toward my aunt’s place. “Go ahead and go on. These idiots in charge of your sister’s arrangements got the wrong damn headstone.”
I cringed, a chill behind his words. He’d been so cold about all this, everything regarding the process. This was obviously his way of coping, but I couldn’t deal with things this way.
Getting out of the car, I slammed the door, rushing inside to see a face I desperately wanted to see. My aunt’s car was in her driveway and mine too. She’d gone half on it with me for the old, beat-up Ford Focus. It barely ran, but it got the job done, and I’d hated to leave it. I’d hated to leave here, and I remembered that when I found my aunt in the living room. She’d been on the phone too, yelling at caterers from what it sounded like. I heard her say something about a fruit basket before spotting me at the door with my keys in hand.
My aunt was basically Mom’s twin down to the wavy hair and being divinely beautiful, albeit always a bit stressed. She worked a lot, hard-working just like my mom. I’d pretty much raised myself when I’d lived here due to my aunt’s busy schedule as a nurse, but that’d been okay. I was just happy she’d allowed me to stay at the time.
Her face flooded with relief when she saw me, and she lowered the phone, coming to me.
“Oh, honey,” she said, gathering me up. We didn’t hug a whole lot, but when we did, it always seemed to be over something tragic. I’d gotten an abortion my freshman year, and there’d been a lot of hugs then. My family just wasn’t huggers, that’d been my sister’s job.
I ached I wouldn’t get those anymore, my aunt’s hand coming down my hair before pulling away.
“How are you doing?” she asked, then shook her head. “Stupid question. Sorry.”
It wasn’t a stupid question. It was an instinctual one. I swallowed. “All right, I guess.”
She took that for what it was, framing my face. She looked around. “Where’s your dad?”
“In the car. Yelling at someone. It sounds like he’s mad at the funeral hall.”
This made her face screw up, her expression souring. I didn’t want to say she hated my dad since that was such a strong word, but when Mom died and he so easily gave me up to live with her, she hadn’t been happy. She wanted him to step up back then, be a dad to me and Paige. He hadn’t really been one to my sister either, regardless of the fact that Paige lived in his house, and Aunt Celeste knew that too. She nodded. “Typical of him. Where are your bags?”
After explaining how Dad had us s
taying at an Airbnb and not with my mom’s only sister, I got another “typical” directed my dad’s way and found myself happy he stayed outside for the moment. I had a feeling there’d be a lot of this back-and-forth.
“Well, we’re going to talk about that,” she finished with, then rubbed my shoulders. “And what’s going to happen after all this? I can imagine you’re staying here? With me? Your room’s just how you left it.”
Since I hadn’t decided that yet, I couldn’t tell her, and it seemed she didn’t need an answer right away because my dad decided to grace us with his presence. Phone in hand, he’d at least wrapped up his call, but that was only before getting another upon passing the threshold of my aunt’s place.
“Celeste,” he murmured, covering up his line.
She grimaced. “Rowan. I see you’re involved in everything but actually helping your grieving daughter inside. You plan on being present while you’re here or…?”
He grunted, mumbling something about not needing all this “during this time,” and when my aunt left my side to step up to him, I figured that was my signal to get the fuck out. I went down the hall, avoiding all the bullshit, but even after I slammed the door to my room, I only heard more.
“Well, now you’ve done it,” I heard from my aunt, my ear pressed to the door. “Father of the year.”
“And you’re definitely helping, Celeste.”
“Rowan—”
I cut off the noise when I opened my window, then climbed out. On my belly, my phone buzzed from inside my pocket. Touching ground, I pulled my phone out, and I sagged against the house, relieved when I saw who texted.
Royal: You make it to LA okay?
I closed my eyes, more tears for some reason. I think I was just emotional with all this, all the tension just too much on top of it all. He had a way of somehow making perfect timing, and I lowered to the ground, sitting in the grass.