Fast Women

by Jennifer Crusie

  In what universe? Suze thought. There was denial and then there was Tim’s world.

  When Nell didn’t say anything, Tim nodded and went on. “Well, it’s about the Icicles. They’re a hundred and fifty bucks each to replace, and you broke fourteen of them last September so that’s…” He turned to Whitney, frowning.

  “Two thousand one hundred dollars,” Whitney said crisply.

  “Right, two thousand one hundred dollars,” Tim said. “And then we had to replace the desk and that was five thousand six hundred, with tax.”

  “Five thousand dollars?” Suze said incredulously. “Where the hell did you get this desk? The Pentagon? And why now?”

  “Taxes,” Nell said, relaxing as she said it. “It’s six weeks to tax time. They need cash.”

  “What we need is a check for seven thousand seven hundred dollars,” Whitney said. “We’ve talked to a lawyer and we’ve been advised to proceed against you for the money and that we will succeed.”

  “You think?” Nell said, still serene.

  “I think,” Whitney said, still tense. “Or our lawyer says we call the police again and refile that warrant for malicious destruction and assault. He says they’ll be very interested to know about your violent past since you are known to have threatened a woman found dead in your basement this weekend.”

  “I think you’re a bitch on wheels,” Suze said.

  “Suze, this has nothing to do with you,” Tim said.

  Suze opened her mouth, and Nell put her hand on her arm. “I think your lawyer’s wrong,” Nell said. “In fact, I think your lawyer is a vengeful idiot.”

  Tim’s eyes went to Suze and then back to Nell. “Look, we don’t want to be mean, but you destroyed property we had to replace. It’s only fair—”

  “Tim,” Nell said, a faint smile on her face. “I stopped letting you tell me what was fair months ago.” She leaned forward. “First of all, I’m still half owner of that agency, even though it mysteriously did not show a profit for the first time last year. So I’d only be liable for half of those Icicles, which would put my obligation to you at one thousand fifty dollars.”

  “But we have to replace all of them,” Tim said.

  “No,” Nell said. “I don’t particularly want mine replaced, thanks. I like them better broken. And as for the desk, you cannot make a major expenditure without my okay, and a five-thousand-dollar desk is a major expenditure. I’m not okaying it. Therefore, it’s a personal expenditure and you’ll just have to cover it.”

  “Now wait a minute,” Whitney said, and Suze braced herself to deck her if needed.

  Nell ignored her to reach out and cover Tim’s hand with hers. “I know how hard this is for you, sharing the agency with me.”

  “It makes it harder,” Tim said, nodding. “I didn’t think about you owning half the awards. You’re right.”

  “Tim,” Whitney said, her voice low.

  “But the desk,” he said, “that’s not personal, Nell, that’s my business desk.”

  “Here’s what I think we should do,” Nell said, still calm, looking into his eyes without heat. “I think I should sell you my half of the agency. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and then after you called today I thought some more, and then I called Budge Jenkins, and he’ll be over on Monday to begin an audit and to evaluate the monetary worth of the business as a whole.”

  “What?” Tim said, his jaw going slack.

  There you go, Suze thought, feeling her entire body flood with glee.

  “Then if everything’s all right with the audit, you can give me half of what the agency’s worth and write off your desk as a business expense.” Nell sat back and finally turned to Whitney. “And that way, if I show up at the agency and smash something again, you can have me arrested and shot. Everybody’s happy.”

  “I can’t afford to buy you out,” Tim said. “We have expenses—”

  “Borrow,” Nell said. “Tighten your belts. Live the way we did when we were first married. Shared tribulation can really strengthen a union.”

  “You’re just being vindictive,” Whitney said.

  “I prefer to think of it as justice with a profit,” Nell said a little sadly.

  Whitney gazed at Nell, evaluating the situation, and Suze watched Whitney. “Our lawyer,” Whitney said, “says we have a case.”

  “Your lawyer,” Nell said, “is Jack Dysart, and he’s blaming me for the breakup of his marriage.” Suze flinched, and Nell patted her hand and said to Tim, “Your brother is not giving you advice based on your best interests. He wants revenge.”

  Tim exchanged glances with Whitney. “Nell, be reasonable. Debt is not a good move for me right now.”

  “All right,” Nell said. “I don’t think it’s going to be a problem. Budge seemed to think he could find investors to buy me out. You’d lose control of the agency, of course, because they’d expect regular audits and reports, but you wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.” She smiled at him. “And you can just take that one thousand one hundred out of my half before you write the check. I’ll tell Budge that’s okay.”

  “What a coincidence,” Riley said, sliding in beside Tim before he could answer, pushing him into Whitney. “You guys are here, too. Who’d have thought?”

  Suze relaxed, taking a deep breath for the first time since she’d sat down.

  Gabe picked up a chair from another table and sat down at the end of theirs, his elbow close to Nell’s. “We thought we’d have a beer,” he said to Nell.

  She let her shoulders ease back and smiled back at him. “Did you now?” She leaned a little closer, and Suze could see him relax, too.

  “So what’s going on?” Riley said. “Everybody happy?”

  “Nell just sold her half of the agency to Tim,” Suze said brightly. “Budge is going to do the audit and the estimation of value.”

  “Good man, Budge Jenkins,” Gabe said, waving to the waitress. “We’re celebrating,” he told her. “We need two pitchers, six glasses, and four orders of french fries with vinegar.”

  “We haven’t agreed to anything,” Whitney said.

  “You don’t have anything to agree to,” Nell said. “All the divorce settlement says is that we have to give each other the first chance on a buyout. And that’s what I’m doing. If you don’t want it, Budge’s investors will. Either way, we’re free of each other.” She looked at Tim. “Finally.”

  “I’ll drink to that,” Gabe said as the waitress set down the pitchers and glasses. He poured Nell a glass and slid it to her, and she passed it down to Suze who slid it across the table to Whitney.

  “Cheers,” she said flatly, looking Whitney in the eye.

  Whitney lifted her glass and said, “Cheers to you, too. Heard your husband left you.”

  Suze clenched her jaw, but before she could say anything, Riley said, “I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure, I’m Riley,” and reached across Tim to offer Whitney his hand. Whitney took it, not quite sure what to do, smiling faintly in confusion when he held her hand a minute too long.

  Then he let go and said, “Don’t be a bitch to the blonde. She’ll cut you off at the knees and feed you your feet.”

  Whitney flushed, and Suze unclenched, and Gabe poured the last of the beers and said, “What shall we drink to?”

  Nell looked around and said, “Good grief. Drink to me. I just realized I’ve slept with everybody at this table.”

  “And God knows we appreciate it,” Riley said, while Tim gawked.

  “Except for Whitney, of course,” Nell said.

  “To Nell,” Gabe said, raising his glass.

  “To Nell,” Riley said and drank, and Suze clinked her glass with Nell and drank, too.

  Whitney tried to share a superior eye-roll with Tim, but he was still staring at Nell. She turned back to Nell and leaned across the table to her, looking condescending and amused. “That’s really wild of you. Three men in, what? Fifty years?”

  Die, bitch, Suze thought, and
said, “And me.” She held up her hand, and all three men turned to her on the instant, leaving Whitney with no audience at all. Suze beamed on the table impartially. “She’s a terrific kisser. And when you consider she’s nailed three of us in less than seven months, that’s pretty good.” She patted Nell’s arm, thinking, Do not tell them we only necked. This is payback time.

  Gabe had already turned to Nell, a grin splitting his face. “Hello?”

  “After Riley, before you,” Nell told Gabe solemnly. “I don’t cheat.”

  “We don’t care if you cheat,” Riley said. “We just want the details.” He raised his eyebrows at Suze, and she sat back, satisfied with the stunned look on Tim’s face and the annoyed look on Whitney’s.

  “This is a joke,” Tim said.

  “I am never a joke,” Suze said. “Especially not in bed.”

  “So you were in bed…” Riley prompted.

  Nell sighed and turned to Gabe. “It was like this.”

  Don’t tell them the truth, Suze thought. Come on. For once, be nasty and get even.

  Nell looked at Gabe under her lashes. “We were alone one night, and we, uh, have needs—”

  Gabe and Riley nodded.

  “—and we like each other a lot. And we’re very attractive. So we…” Nell finished with a shrug, smiling up at Gabe under her lashes.

  “About those needs,” Gabe said with great seriousness. “I want you to know you can always come to me. Any time, day or night. Bring Suze.”

  “You’re serious,” Tim said. “You really did this?”

  You are such a boob, Suze thought. “It wasn’t just lust. We got to thinking about what we’d do if a plague wiped out all the men.” She shrugged at Riley and Gabe. “No offense.”

  “None taken,” Riley said. “Be prepared. So what exactly did you do?”

  “We experimented,” Nell said. “Suze is an exceptionally good kisser.”

  “Good to know,” Riley said, and Tim frowned at him. “Okay, then what did you do?”

  Whitney looked at them sourly. “We don’t need the details.”

  “Oh, sure we do,” Gabe said, not taking his eyes off Nell. “Start at the beginning. What were you wearing?”

  “My blue silk pajamas,” Nell said. “You know, the slippery—”

  “God, yes,” Gabe said.

  “Just the top, though,” Nell lied.

  “Good, good,” Gabe said.

  “Did you get the bottoms?” Riley said to Suze.

  She shook her head. “No. I was wearing an old T-shirt.”

  “Not as good as the silk thing,” Riley said, “but acceptable. Was there a pillow fight? You get extra points if there’s a naked pillow fight.”

  “Some things are private,” Nell said primly. “Mostly it was just fun.”

  Suze said, “Yes, it was.”

  Nell met her eyes, and Suze thought, I’m so glad I have you. On a impulse she took Nell’s hand and kissed her cheek. “Best relationship I’ve ever had,” Suze told her.

  “Me, too,” Nell said. “Absolutely.”

  When the silence stretched out, they turned back to the table to find the others watching them. Then Gabe said, “Right,” and stood up. “Nell and I have to get back to the office now.”

  Nell blinked at him. “We do?”

  “Yes, Bridget,” Gabe said, looking straight into her eyes. “We do.”

  Nell flushed. “Right.” She pushed her chair back so hard it tipped over. “Sorry.” She righted the chair and picked up her coat. “I was just excited. About getting back. To the office.” She looked at Gabe and said, “I live for my work.”

  Gabe laughed and put his arm around her as she slid past him, and when they went out the door, Suze craned her neck to see around the stained-glass panel into the street. Gabe had pulled her close, fighting a smile as he spoke sternly to her, and Nell laughed up at him. She looked so transcendently happy that Suze felt a pang watching them. I want that, too, she thought. I had that once, and I want it again.

  “Check, please,” Riley called. “And cancel the fries.”

  “Unbelievable,” Tim said.

  “Exactly,” Whitney said. “I don’t believe a word of this. They’re just being childish, trying to get attention.”

  “If I want attention,” Suze said coldly, “I do not have to make up stories. I just walk into a room.”

  “This is true.” Riley moved from the bench to take the chair beside Suze that Nell had vacated. “So when was this again? And where was I?”

  “Thanksgiving night,” Suze said, leaning into his shoulder a little. “You were probably with the infant horticulture major.”

  Whitney shook her head at Suze. “And you wonder why Jack left you.”

  Riley snorted. “If you think that story would make a man leave her, you know nothing about men, honey.” He turned to look down at Suze. “So you were in your T-shirt—”

  “I’ve had enough.” Whitney slid out of the bench and stood up, looking at Tim with concern. “They’re just doing this to upset you, Tim.”

  Tim ignored her to look at Suze. “You really did it, didn’t you?”

  “Yes,” Suze said. “I kissed your wife and I really liked it and so did Riley, and Gabe is dragging her off to bed even while we sit here. And you are a fool, but then, as Riley says, we knew that.” Tim drew back and Suze went on, suddenly fierce in her determination to tell him the truth, to tell somebody the truth. “I loathe you for what you did to her, but I’m also glad because you set her free. She’s so happy now, she’s got something besides that stupid insurance agency to live for, and she wouldn’t have you back as a gift, so it’s all right now, but I will never forgive you for cheating on her and hurting her. You are scum.”

  Tim said, “Now wait a minute,” and Whitney tugged at his arm.

  “That’s what I mean,” she said to him, her distress clear in her voice. “They’re just doing this to upset you. It’s all lies. Don’t listen to them. They’re just trying to pay you back.” She stroked his sleeve, and Suze thought, She really loves him.

  Tim looked from Suze to Whitney to Riley, relieved. “Sure. That’s not like Nell. I don’t believe—”

  “Believe it,” Riley said. “What’s the scar under her belly button from?”

  “Laparotomy,” Tim said automatically and then stopped.

  “I noticed it while I was down there,” Riley said. “And from her reaction to what I was doing, I’m surprised you even knew it was there.”

  “Ouch,” Suze said and turned to Whitney. “All my sympathies, honey.”

  Tim stood up. “You people have no morals.”

  “You fucked a chippie and betrayed your wife and son,” Suze said. “Get your own morals, slimeball.”

  “That’s it,” Whitney said and dragged Tim toward the door.

  “‘Get your own morals, slimeball’?” Riley said to Suze when they were gone.

  “I hate him.”

  “Understandably,” Riley said. “That’s no reason to descend to his level.”

  “I couldn’t get to his level with a backhoe. He’s beneath contempt.”

  “See, that was better. Not great, but more imagination than ‘slimeball.’ Want another beer before I walk you home?”

  “Nope.” Suze slid her chair back. “I’ve had enough stimulation for tonight.”

  “Too true.” Riley looked at the check and put a couple of bills on the table as he stood up. “I can’t believe Gabe stuck me with the check.”

  “He had places to go and Nell to do.”

  Riley held the door for her, and she stepped out into the cold street. “That guy was born for monogamy,” he said, as he took her arm. “First Chloe for nineteen years, and now Nell for eternity even though she drives him crazy. He just keeps holding on.”

  “It better be for eternity.” Suze thought about jerking her arm away, but it was nice being supported like that. Firm. Warm. She could be independent when she got home again since that was her only
option anyway. Independence should be a choice, not a punishment. She thought about Nell, about the months she’d spent frozen in shock, and then remembered her tonight, laughing up at Gabe. If he betrayed her, too … She stopped and turned to Riley. “If Gabe’s just playing around—”

  “Does he look like he’s just playing around?” Riley sounded exasperated as he tugged on her arm, making her walk with him again. “Does he act like it? If anybody else had pulled the stuff she’s pulled, she’d have been fired long ago. He’s in this for good.”

  “Maybe.” Suze slipped a little on a patch of ice and felt his grip on her arm tighten until she had her balance back. “He looks like he’s nuts about her. But so did Tim once.” So did Jack about me, once.

  “You want guarantees?” Riley said. “There are no guarantees. But Gabe is not a cheater or a liar, and he’s taken Nell into his life, not just his bed. He’s not Tim.” He sounded more than annoyed, but before she could apologize, he added, “He’s not Jack.”

  “I’m sorry,” Suze said. “I forgot he’s your friend.”

  “He’s my friend, my partner, my mentor, and my family,” Riley said. “Do not criticize Gabe.”

  “Right. Forget Gabe. We’ve still got six blocks to walk to my house. How’s your life?”

  “Hell. The place I work has turned into the WWF crossed with Sex and the City. Gabe’s a quiet kind of guy, he wasn’t born to be that mad or that happy. Let’s talk about something else.”

  “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”

  “So you’re wearing the T-shirt and Nell is in the pajama top,” Riley said, and Suze laughed and told him everything and then some, embroidering the story as they walked, implying that she and Nell had visited places they hadn’t. By the time they were through the park, she was a little breathless from her own story, and by the time they climbed the steps to her cold, empty house, Riley had been silent for some time.

  “I may have made some of that up,” Suze said as she fumbled for her key.

  “No, no,” Riley said. “If there is a God, that was all true.”

  She unlocked the door and pushed it open, hating the dark emptiness inside. “The point is, it was fun. This divorce stuff isn’t so bad,” she told herself, as much as him. “Look at all the things I’m discovering about myself.”