Ten minutes later, I was standing in the living room ready to run. “Let’s go, Tati.” We walked outside into the crisp fall air. The ground was wet. I didn’t even know it had rained. “What’s it going to be, Tati? Sprint intervals or a long slow run until we drop?”
I considered my options. I knew both would help me. “I don’t care. You choose.”
My mom looked me in the eye and put her hand on my heart. She took a few deep breaths and closed her eyes to better sense what I needed. Her hands moved to my shoulders and she tenderly kissed my forehead. “Long and slow. Let’s go.”
We warmed up in silence, our strides in unison, side by side. At the second mile, we picked up the pace slightly and headed toward the east into the rural section of our town. Sidewalks turned to gravel and dirt roads. Passing pastures filled with sheep and horses, I felt numb from everything as we ran mile after mile.
After about an hour of running, we turned around to head back home and my mom finally spoke. “None of this is James’ fault. Don’t cut him out of your life. He was heartsick last night and he talked to me for about an hour about everything that’s been happening the past few weeks. Tati, he really cares for you. I think you’re his best friend and he needs you as much as you need him.”
I looked over as she spoke, and my eyes filled with tears. I knew deep down this wasn’t his fault, but I wasn’t ready to face him yet. I couldn’t. I felt too damaged, too embarrassed, too weak.
We ran in silence the rest of the way home. Stupidly, we hadn’t brought any water, so we were dehydrated and cramping. My mom’s GPS watch showed we ran nearly 16 miles and we slowed our pace to an easy walk the last few blocks. When we got there James was sitting on our front steps. His eyes met mine and I looked away, too embarrassed to meet his gaze. My mom took my hand in hers as we approached. James stood to greet us.
“Not today, James,” my mom said quietly. She touched his arm with her other hand. “She’ll be ready to talk tomorrow.” My cheeks burned and I couldn’t bear to look at him. “Tati and I ran for two hours today. She will need a slow three miles tomorrow to loosen up before school. Be here at 6:00 and she’ll be ready.”
I looked at my mom ready to protest, but when I caught the look in her eyes, I knew I shouldn’t. I looked up at James and made eye contact. Emotions too complicated for words passed between us.
“I’ll be ready.” James whispered. I broke our eye contact and walked past him into the house.
✽✽✽
My alarm sounded at 5:45. Everything hurt. I dragged myself out of bed and slowly dressed in warm running gear. I was doing my best to stay calm as I tied my shoes, but my heart raced. Just after 6:00 I walked outside where James waited, just as he said he would. I made eye contact. Wordlessly, I set out down the sidewalk at a jog and James settled in next to me.
We ran to the turnaround point in silence, but I felt James’ gaze on me every few minutes. I could tell he wanted to say something, but I still wasn’t ready to talk. We continued in silence step by step all the way home.
When we hit the mailbox, I glanced at him, then turned away to walk into my house. His hand snatched mine and he
gently pulled me to him, embracing me. He rested his cheek on the top of my head and held me silently. After a few moments, he released his arms, then crossed the lawn and walked into his own house leaving me standing on the sidewalk.
✽✽✽
When I was dressed and ready for school, I walked out to the porch and locked the door. I turned around and James was by the mailbox. “Can I walk with you to school?” I walked toward him and looked him in the eyes. I nodded.
We walked side by side, and when we got to the front entrance of school, James turned to me. “Tati, I am so sorry. You know that right?”
I held his gaze and his eyes searched mine. “You have nothing to be sorry about, Bodyguard. I’m really sorry I lashed out at you. None of this is your fault.” I turned to climb the stairs to the school’s front door and we walked into school together. He walked beside me all the way to my clean locker. He waited while I gathered all the books I needed for the first two periods and we walked with me to the principal’s office for
my check-in meeting. At the bell to signal first period, he escorted me to my first class. As I started to enter the classroom, he gently took my hand and pulled me closer to him. “It’s good to have you back, Cheetah-girl.” He bent down to kiss my cheek, released my hand, and walked away.
✽✽✽
The rest of my day was a blur of empathetic glances and awkward silences. Between James, Finn, Kelsey, and Samuel, I had a barrier between me and the world most of the day, which is what I needed.
By the time I joined my friends for lunch at our usual table in the corner of the cafeteria, my day was starting to feel a bit more normal. We four were texting back and forth about how I was doing when James walked up with his lunch tray.
“Hey, uh, is it ok if I sit with you?” The four of us glanced quickly at each other and Finn nodded toward the empty space beside me. James sat and I looked at him. “Hey, Tati. You doing ok?”
“Why are you sitting here? You usually sit with your friends on the other side of the cafeteria.”
James smirked and booped my nose. “Boop. I am sitting with my friend.” He sheepishly looked at the curious faces at our table. “Is it ok?”
Samuel frantically tapped Kelsey on the shoulder and signed “What they say?” Kelsey interpreted, and Samuel broke into a grin and nodded enthusiastically at James. Finn looked at me with an eyebrow cocked and Kelsey looked at me and winked. “Definitely.”
I introduced everyone, signed “He’s my friend,” then finger spelled J-a-m-e-s for Samuel, and we all relaxed. Samuel even added James to the text chain we had going so he could keep up with our conversation. We were having a relaxed lunch when someone came over to our table and addressed James.
“Dude! James! What are you doing sitting at the fucking faggot table?” We all stiffened and exchanged worried glances.
James replied, “Come on, Marco, don’t be like that.”
“Be like what? You’re the one sitting with Fuck Finn and these retards.” He began to mock the sign language Samuel and Kelsey used. “Dude they’re like gay and gayer looking all fucking spazzy and shit.” He laughed wildly at his own joke.
James stood up, standing inches from Marco’s face. “Seriously, back the fuck off!”
“Or what? Your lezbo girlfriend and her two dyke mommies are going to beat me up?”
James moved closer to Marco and clenched his fists. “Shut the fuck up! I swear I’ll kick your fucking ass if you say another word!” Marco lunged at James and grabbed his shirt. James was pinned to the wall.
The lunch room monitor raced to our table and separated the two. “Mr. Tabar, Mr. Smith! Break it up! That’s detention!”
Marco backed off and started to walk away, “Whatever, dude.” He looked at us and under his breath whispered, “Fucking retard faggots.”
The teacher handed James a detention slip. “Report after school today. Marco, I heard that! Come with me.”
He escorted Marco into the main hallway as he spoke on his walky-talky. Kelsey quickly returned to interpreting for Samuel.
James sat down next to me and with shaking voice and hands said, “I’m really sorry everyone. If you don’t want me to stay, I get it.”
“James stay, please.” I replied. I gently touched his arm, which seemed to calm him. Everyone else nodded in agreement. “It was really kind of you to stand up for us.”
“I had to! That guy is a fucking piece of shit! I should’ve knocked him to the ground.”
Finn responded, “He’s not worth it. He didn’t say anything that any of us haven’t heard hundreds of times.” We all sadly nodded, and James looked horrified.
“But doesn’t that piss you off?” James asked.
Finn replied answering for all of us, “Of course it does! We feel sad and humiliated and fucking
furious, but in the end becoming violent is not the answer. If we walk around like there is something wrong with us for being who we are – apologizing, fighting, running scared – then things for us will never change. And, yeah, words hurt, but only if you give them
power over you. It sucks, but it’s the only way to get by with assholes like him.”
James nodded in understanding, though I could tell he didn’t quite agree. Finn lowered his voice and beckoned us closer. “Besides, that guy? Marco?... I hooked up with him at a pool party last summer for like an hour. He was only calling me ‘Fuck Finn’ because that’s what he was calling out all night. The bro wants me, but can you blame him? I’m fabulous.” He snickered as he took in our shocked faces. “For the record, I didn’t have sex with him. I don’t love on guys in the closet. Damn decent kisser though and really good with his hands.” He gave a smug smile as we all absorbed what he said. James looked completely shocked. The rest of us burst out in hysterical laughter.
The bell rang signaling the end of lunch. James and I said goodbye to the other three and walked to our next class together. “I like your friends. They’re really cool.”
I playfully pushed James into the science lab. “You like our friends.” I reached up and booped his nose. “Boop.” He turned to look at me and beamed.
7
On Saturday morning, my phone alerted to an incoming text from James.
James
Are you busy today?
Me
Nope.
James
Do you have hiking boots? Want to go?
Me
Yes!
James
Put them on and meet me outside in 20 minutes.
Dress in layers.
I quickly dressed and pulled my bedhead into a messy ponytail. I topped my head with a beanie, stuffed a granola bar in my pocket, and headed outside, locking the door behind me. James leaned against his car. He smiled when he saw me and walked toward me. “Hey! You ever been to The Boulders?” He pointed east to a rocky outcropping in the distance.
“No.”
“That’s where we’re headed. We’re gonna drive to the trailhead. Ok?”
“Yeah, sounds fun! I love hiking!”
We got into the car and headed east. I texted my mom about where I was headed on the way. After slipping my phone back into my jacket pocket, I leaned back into the passenger seat and looked at James.
“Do you go hiking often?” I asked.
“I used to go a lot. It’s been a while. Today seemed like a good day for it. The Boulders are really special to me. Thanks for coming!” He smiled.
I leaned back into the seat and took in the view as we drove. I hummed along with the radio and felt completely relaxed for the first time in weeks. When we arrived at the trailhead, James took a backpack out of the trunk and led the way. “Ready?” I nodded. “I don’t like to talk when I’m hiking. Is that ok?”
“Sure. I like quiet. Just do what you normally do and I’ll follow.”
We hiked for a few strenuous miles in relative silence, ascending the hillside on a steep and muddy trail. Now and again, James would look back to check on me and ask if I was ok on the slippery slope. He offered a hand up on a couple of the steeper spots. The sounds of the birds and the rustling of the wind in the trees were soothing and I thought how much I’d love to bring my parents here.
We arrived at a flat overlook that had a view of the whole city. We were both a bit winded and took a moment to catch our breaths. “Wow,” I spoke quietly, “This is beautiful, James. Thanks for bringing me here.” He took a large Nalgene bottle of water from his backpack and handed it to me with a smile.
“Thirsty?” I nodded and took a long drink. As we relaxed a bit, James pointed out a few of the landmarks and our street in the landscape. I handed the water bottle back to him and he took several gulps before putting it away. “You good?” I nodded. “Ok, let’s go. It’s only about another mile to the ridgeline and then that last little scramble to the top.”
We set out again at a steady pace. The trail was drier and more packed since there weren’t as many trees. It didn’t take long before we walked along the ridgeline up to the namesake boulders that marked the summit of the trail. James took my hand leading me to them and exclaimed, “This is my favorite part! Come on!” He started to scramble and climb up the boulders as I stood watching him. He looked down at me from his perch above. “Tati, come on.” He could sense my unease and climbed back down to me. He furrowed his brow. “You ok?”
I nervously confessed, “I don’t know how to climb that. I’ve never done it before. It’s so high and steep. I’m scared.”
He shook his head and looked at me. “It’s really not that bad once you start. It’s like climbing a ladder. There are plenty of hand and footholds, none of them very far apart, and once you start you’ll see it doesn’t feel like you’re going straight up - you kind of lean into the rocks. Why don’t you climb up ahead of me and I’ll be right behind you telling you where to go.” I hesitated. “Tati, you are such a strong athlete. You can do this. Trust me.”
With his encouragement, I nodded, and he guided me to the base of the boulders. He gave me a boost for the first foothold. He expertly guided me and talked to me the whole time. The last little scramble to the top of the flat, wide boulder rewarded me instantly with a 360-degree view. I beamed as I threw my arms above my head and exclaimed, “Oh my god! Look at this view!” I pulled out my phone to take a quick picture to share with my parents later. When I turned around to look at James, he was staring at me smiling.
“Come sit.” I blushed as he took my hand and guided me to sit down facing our town. He reached into his pack and handed me back the water bottle and a turkey sandwich.
“Wow, J, you think of everything. Thanks.” I pulled the granola bar from my pocket. “Want half? It’s chocolate chip.” He nodded.
“I used to come up here a lot.” He smiled, but his expression quickly turned serious. We sat in silence while eating our sandwiches. James seemed tense.
I turned to look at him. “Are you ok?”
He let out a deep sigh and looked down at his feet for a few breaths, then back out at the view. He sighed again and then sat in silence for a moment longer. James turned to face me, his eyes searching mine for encouragement.
“James, whatever it is, you can talk to me.”
He looked off into the distance, took a breath, then turned to face me. “You know how I said this place is special?” I nodded. “My dad used to bring my sisters and me up here all the time.”
I held his gaze not wanting to speak. I realized this was the first time I’d ever heard him mention his dad. He looked back out at the view and took a deep breath letting it out slowly. “He was a firefighter and a little over a year ago he died in a bad accident while on a call.”
I put my hand on James’ knee and he looked at me with tears in his eyes. He cleared his throat and looked back out at the horizon.
“When he died, it hit us all really hard and my family sort of fell apart. Beth had just started college out in Florida and so she left right after the funeral. I think she needed to
escape it all. She was really close with my dad, like they were best friends, and it wrecked her. My mom is really really hard on her and they’ve never really gotten along, but it’s so much worse now. I don’t blame her for not sticking around, but I miss Beth so much.”
I reached out and rubbed James’ back. “I’m so sorry, James. That’s terrible.” He nodded.
“Katie took a few weeks off from college to help my mom, but when she left to go back to school … it was just my mom and me in that house. My mom would look at me and cry because she said I looked just like my dad and she couldn’t stand to be in the same room with me. I spent a lot of time alone after that.”
His voice caught in his throat and he made a little yelping sound. He took a slow steading breath and let it out through his mouth. “I started coming up her
e all the time to just get away, to feel closer to my dad … I really miss him. I miss him so fucking much. I wish I could just talk to him one more time.”
He wiped the steady stream of tears from his eyes and cleared his throat again. He stared into the distance and I studied his profile. “My mom started drinking a lot and taking all kinds of pills a few months ago and it got worse the closer to the anniversary of his death. My grandparents and Katie and I had like a... an intervention for her and uh ... she’s out of town because she agreed to go to rehab to get help for her addiction and depression … That’s why I’m alone at home right now.”
I sat in silence, but reached around his shoulders to pull him into a hug. I could feel his raspy breath on my neck and his tears soaked into my windbreaker. I held him like that for a long time and let him cry. My own empathetic tears flowed as I recalled my mom’s words, “He needs you as much as you need him.” He must have told her about this the night he came over and I wouldn’t see him. Suddenly, the fact that he didn’t want to hang out with his friends who drink a lot made sense.
He sat up away from my embrace and turned his body to face mine wiping his tears away with his sleeve. When he saw my tears, he wiped them away, too. He sighed and
smiled. “I’m really glad you moved in next door, Tati. You’re the first good thing that’s happened to me in a while.”
I returned his smile and took his hand in mine. We sat silently holding hands taking in the view and appreciating the moment together.
Abruptly, James inhaled deeply, got to his feet, and offered a hand to help me to stand. “Ready to go?” I nodded. He pulled me into a tight hug placing his cheek on the top of my head. “Thank you for coming here with me.” We stood like that for a few breaths before he broke the embrace, picked up his backpack, and walked over to the edge of the boulder. As I looked down to the ridgeline, I suddenly panicked. I grabbed his arm.
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