shoulders staring deeply into my eyes. “That was some next level Oprah advice, right?” I giggled. “I love you, Tati. Go be fierce.”
“I love you, mamma.” I clung to her tightly. “So so so much.”
✽✽✽
I thought about my mamma’s words and decided to take her advice. I dressed in one of my favorite outfits that I usually only wore when I’d go out with Janey. I put on a gray deep v-neck t-shirt that brought out the color of my eyes. Underneath it, and just peeking out from the low neckline, I wore a feminine, strappy, peacock blue sports bra. I wriggled my muscular legs into skinny jeans and a pair of black lace-up boots.
I looked in the mirror. I had to admit I looked and felt good – strong and feminine. I decided to wear my hair loose, my thick curls cascading just below my shoulders. I amped up my makeup from my usual mascara and tinted lip balm to a
winged cat-eye precisely drawn with charcoal gray liquid eyeliner and red lipstick. I topped the outfit with a black, fitted leather jacket.
When I went into the living room my mamma beamed with pride. “Fierce, brave, beautiful, Tatiana! That’s MY girl!”
✽✽✽
On my walk to school, I held my mamma’s words close. I entered the main hall of lockers and saw Brittany and James arguing off to the side. I took a deep breath, raised my head high, and approached them. Brittany turned toward me and glared. I turned my body to face James, who looked at me with wide eyes.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but, James, may I please talk to you for a minute? It’s important.” He nodded and turned his body to face mine with his back to Brittany. She huffed, and we watched her stomp off. As James turned back to me his eyes traveled down my body, then back up to my eyes.
“Tati, w-…you look... hi.” I smiled at his unspoken compliment.
“Hi.” His eyes traveled down my body again, slower this time, and he blushed as he returned to meet my eye contact and realized I had noticed. “James, I apologize for blowing up on you last night. You’re my best friend and I have no right to judge you or treat you like that. I want to leave the past in the past. Are we ok?”
He cleared his throat. “More than ok.” His emerald eyes sparkled as we maintained eye contact.
“Good. See you later.” I quickly turned and walked to class.
✽✽✽
As I entered second period a hand reached out to tap my arm. I turned around and it was Samuel. He was enthusiastically signing something and smiling. I looked to Kelsey for interpretation.
“Samuel says you look fantastic, Tati, and I have to agree!” Samuel enthusiastically nodded again and signed “wow”. I signed “thank you” and took my seat at the back of the room.
As soon as I sat down, my phone in my pocket alerted to a new text. I quickly turned the ringer to silent and clicked on the new group message.
Samuel
T you look smoking hot today!
Kelsey
You totally do, T! What’s the occasion? Seriously,
you look so sexy and badass!!!!! Like a femme
warrior! And your hair is gorgeous!
Me
I don’t know about the sexy part,
but I will take badass. Thanks!
Samuel
You look just like Domino in Deadpool 2!
Kelsey
OMG she does!!!
Finn
Domino is HOT! I want to see a sexy badass T!!!!
be there in a sec!
Me
LOL! My mamma gave me a pep talk this morning and
I was just feeling it.
Kelsey
thank your mamma for us!
Me
I’ll be back to my hideous non-badass self tomorrow
Samuel
Stop! Be nice to badass T.
Kelsey
OMG look at Finn’s face!!! Dying!
I looked up from my phone and Finn was standing by my desk staring with his mouth wide open. He grabbed my hand and led me to stand up. “Tati, let me look at you. Damn! You are looking fierce today! Look. At. You!”
The teacher entered the classroom and called out, “Good morning, class, take your seats and put your phones away please.”
Finn and I settled into our seats. I placed my phone on my desk and leaned down to my backpack to take out my notebook and the novel we were reading for class. When I looked back at my desk, my phone screen lit up with another text alert. I eyed the teacher to make sure she wasn’t looking and I clicked on it. There were two more messages in the group text thread.
Samuel
Finn’s face is classic.
James
You’re the most beautiful girl in school.
✽✽✽
Finn, Kelsey, Samuel, and I were seated at our usual table for lunch. Finn got up to get a fork and Samuel was reading. Kelsey gave me a funny glance and leaned over to whisper, “That text from James was nice.” I blushed. “What’s going on with you two?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I mean, we’re friends … but sometimes I feel like there’s this connec--”
Finn rejoined us followed by James ending my conversation with Kelsey. “Tati, I cannot stop staring at you today! Why don’t you dress like that more often?” Finn asked. James’ leg pressed into mine when he sat down next to me.
Kelsey chimed in, “Not that there’s anything wrong with how you normally dress. Right Finn?”
“Not that there’s anything wrong with how you normally dress.” He rolled his eyes at Kelsey, “As I was going to say before I was interrupted,” he looked back at me and beamed,
“You still look like yourself, but amped up. You’re glowing, T, and it’s nice to see that.” I felt James’ leg press against mine again as if in silent agreement. I quickly glanced at him then back at Finn.
“Thanks. I don’t know … like I said, my mamma gave me a pep talk this morning because I had a rough night and I guess I just needed to show this side of me today. I wore a uniform at my last two schools, so I don’t actually have that many clothes that aren’t athletic wear.”
“Well then we should take you shopping this weekend, because I’d like to see this strong, confident Tati come out to play more often!” Finn exclaimed. Kelsey nodded in agreement as she signed to Samuel to get him caught up on the conversation. “And James is right, T,” Finn added, his eyes twinkling with mischief, “you are the most beautiful girl in this school.”
I blushed hotly as I looked from Finn to James, who was staring at me, his eyes shining brightly. He held my gaze for a long moment and pressed his leg into mine again and I pressed back.
A smile curved up one side of his mouth as he dropped his gaze down my body. I felt my breath grow shallow watching him look at me like that. He shifted his upper body closer to mine. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Finn, Kelsey, and Samuel turn their attention from James and me to another person standing a few feet from the table. James stared deeply into my eyes and he bit his bottom lip leaning towards me slightly, but I was startled away from it at the sound of my name spoken in a familiar deep voice.
“Tatiana? Tati! Oh my gosh!” I looked at the person speaking and let my eyes take him in. Standing at six feet three he towered over my seated friends. His sandy blond hair was chin length falling into messy waves. It framed his prominent cheekbones and chiseled square jaw with a hint of scruff. His large, navy blue eyes shone against his golden skin. He smiled at me and it lit up his face. My eyes moved down to see that the thin light gray henley shirt he was wearing clung to his thick biceps and prominent pecs. I looked back up to his face and smiled.
Finn broke the silence. “Tati? Thor is talking to you.”
Kelsey giggled, “Oh my Norse God! He does look like Thor!”
With a shriek, I jumped up from my seat and flung my arms around his neck as he leaned down and scooped me up into a bear hug, my feet raising off the floor due to the substantial height difference. “Tati, it is so good to see you! I didn’t kno
w you moved here!” As he put me down his large hands slid to my hips where they stayed. “Oh my gosh, you look amazing!”
He gave my hips a squeeze his fingers digging deeply into my flanks. “Ghaa! I have cute-aggression! You’re so cute, I just want to squeeze you ‘til you pop!” He pulled me into a tight rocking hug, my head and upper back swallowed up by the bulk of his muscular arms, pinning my arms at my sides and squeezing the breath out of me. He released me and held me at arms distance, his hands on my shoulders a huge beaming smile filled his face.
I took a quick sharp breath. Someone’s been hitting the gym! My eyes flicked down to the outline of his muscular torso again.
Finn dramatically cleared his throat to get our
attention. We faced my friends, his left arm encircling my waist. Finn, Samuel, and Kelsey were all staring at him, but James’ eyes were burning into me. His jaw clenched. He shifted in his seat and maintained his intensity. My stomach fluttered as I gave him a sheepish smile.
“Everyone, this is Dashiell. Dash, these are my friends.” I finger-spelled D-A-S-H-I-E-L-L.
“That’s Dashiell? Dashiell-Dashiell?” James’ question had a harsh tone. I looked at him as his hard stare went to Dashiell and their eyes met.
At James’ biting tone, Dashiell immediately released his grip on my waist and introduced himself to each person with a friendly smile and handshake starting with James. Kelsey invited him to join us. The only space left at the table for him to sit at was on the other side of me. As we sat down, I felt James shift closer to me and tense.
“So, Tati? How do you know Dashiell?” Kelsey asked and signed to include Samuel. She was in full interpreter mode and I smiled.
Dashiell answered her as he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me in for a side hug, “Tati was my girlfriend when we lived in D.C.!” He beamed his perfect smile at me and Finn choked on his water. He coughed deeply. “Finn, are you ok?” Finn gave a thumbs up. “Tati, this is the best surprise. It’s been way too long since we talked! We need to get caught up.” He gave my shoulder an extra squeeze, kissed my temple, and released his arm from around me. I felt James shift next to me again and when I looked at him his face was held tightly, his eyes steeled on Dashiell.
Finn recovered, “You dated him?” A small cough escaped his lungs. Finn looked at Dashiell longingly, willing him to be gay.
The tension in James energy was starting to make me feel awkward. “Yeah, but only for like two weeks. I mean we were best friends for a couple years, but by the time we started dating, his dad got transferred to another base.” To Dashiell I said, “Finn’s Air Force, too.”
The two chatted briefly about where they had lived, finding someplace in common, but I was only half listening.
My thoughts were drawn to how I thought James was about to kiss me a moment ago.
I looked at James and smiled. I pressed my leg into his. Our hands rested on the bench between us and I linked our pinkies. His jaw relaxed, and his eyes softened, but I could tell he was still tense.
In the background, the conversation changed to Kelsey asking questions of Dashiell from herself and Samuel, and Dashiell happily chatted away. He was always easy to talk to and seemed to fit in with anyone, so it didn’t surprise me that he fell into a natural rhythm with my friends.
While they got to know one another, I leaned over to James to speak softly into his ear. I laced the rest of my fingers with his. “Hi.”
“Hi.” His eyes twinkled.
“You want to go somewhere quiet and talk?” I smiled and hoped he’d agree.
He turned his face toward me, smiled back and nodded. “There is something that I didn’t get the chance to tell you last night.” He let go of my hand and his fingertips traced
up my back. He began playing with one of my curls, I sucked in a breath and held it. I wanted to kiss him so badly. His eyes looked deeper into mine. The feeling in my body was electric. I leaned in a bit closer, our faces inches apart. “Let’s go, Tati.”
Abruptly, his eyes flashed cold as he pulled back and stood up. “I can’t do this.” He gathered the remains of his lunch and left the table.
I watched after him and Finn kicked me under the table. He mouthed, “What the hell?” and he turned to look in the direction where James had walked. Finn turned back to me with a knitted brow and all I could do was shrug. I really didn’t know. I jogged out into the hall to follow him, but he had already disappeared.
✽✽✽
Just before the end of lunch, we all cleaned up and headed out into the hallway. Finn, Samuel, and Kelsey took off toward the arts wing of the building. Once we were alone, Dashiell put his arm around me to give me a quick side hug and we stopped to talk in the hall.
“It’s so great to see you again, Tati. Can we hang out after school sometime this week to get caught up?”
“Definitely! And I know my parents would love to see you, too! Maybe your family can come for dinner. Oh! Maybe Thanksgiving on Thursday - we’re having a ton of people over! I’ll have my parents call yours.”
“It would be great if you could meet my girlfriend, too!”
“The same one you told me about a couple months ago? She lives here?”
He nodded and his face lit up as he said her name, “Ava, yeah! I am in deep, Tati. She’s amazing. I haven’t felt this way about anyone before. It’s like I can’t get enough of her! Her family transferred here about a month ago. I was stoked when I found out we were moving here, too, so we can go back to dating in person and not have to suffer through the long-distance thing. She goes to Valley Christian across town, so we can only see each other on weekends, but still, at least we’re in the same town again. Oh my gosh, you’ll love her!”
“I can’t wait to meet her, Dash! You look really happy. I’m happy just basking in your glow!”
We laughed and he replied, “I am happy. Enough about Ava. I’m dying to know how long you’ve been dating James! You’re so intense together! You looked like you needed a private room right before he left.”
I sighed. “We’re not actually together. Just friends. I really want to be his girlfriend, but I’m just not sure he’s into me in that way. I mean, sometimes I feel like there’s something that’s about to happen between us, like today at lunch, but then he went totally cold on me. I’m so confused. And he just broke up with this girl who was suspended for bullying me.”
Dashiell reached out and tenderly stroked my hair. A look of concern filled his face. “Sweets, you got bullied? Why?”
“It’s a long story that I’ll tell you later.” The bell rang and we started walking down the hall.
“Tati, James wants to be with you. Trust me. The way he looks at you? It’s intense. It’s obvious he’s got it bad for you! Give it a few weeks and we’ll be double dating.” He gave me another side hug and leaned over to kiss the top of my
head. “Great to see you! I missed you.”
I spied James as he walked into the biology lab. “There’s James. I want to talk to him before class. Bye, Dash!”
I jogged off toward class. When I got there, James was already seated and scrolling through his phone. He didn’t look up when I sat. I put my hand on his lower back. “James.” He finally looked at me. I smiled at him. “Hey. Are you ok?”
“Fine.” He returned his focus back to his phone.
“You don’t seem fine. You ran out of the cafeteria so fast and I couldn’t find you after. Do you feel sick or something? Are you ok?” He ignored me. “James? Talk to me. What’s the matter?”
“Tati, it’s pretty clear you and Dashiell are picking up from where you left off, so I’m giving you some space.”
“What? James, no it’s not like that at all.”
Mrs. Olsen’s stern voice rang out, “Good afternoon, class. Phones away, books and laptops out. Let’s begin.”
James put his phone in his pocket and turned his highly focused attention to our teacher. He didn’t look my way again for the rest of clas
s. When the bell rang, he quickly gathered
his belongings and shot out the door. I didn’t see him the rest of the day.
✽✽✽
It was my last period of the day, gym. I had been dreading it since arriving at school this morning. My early-morning confidence waned after the interaction with James during biology class. I really wished I could have talked to him to clear things up.
Kelsey was changing into her PE uniform when I arrived and I was grateful to see her smiling face. “Hey, T!”
“Hi Kels.” I undressed and put my clothes into my gym bag. She closed her locker, put on a fleece beanie, and sat down on the bench to wait for me.
“Tati, Dash is soooo hooooot! He totally looks like Thor! Don’t tell Samuel, but I am jealous that you got to kiss him! You have to tell me every detail. Oh my goddess, I thought Finn was going to lunge at him across the table and he couldn’t stop talking about his ‘sculpted body’ all the way to 4th period! Cute bra by the way.
I turned to look at her and smiled as I pulled my PE sweatshirt over my head and we laughed.
“Thanks, I like it. It’s comfy.” I pulled on my track pants. “Yeah, Dash, he’s really changed in the last couple years. When we dated, he was completely adorable in an awkward way. He was gangly and clumsy, glasses, buzz cut, braces, a touch of acne. He definitely filled out and matured into his looks. He’s not my Dash anymore – he’s too good looking.”
“He ugly ducklinged you!” Kelsey cracked up.
“You’re hilarious! We’ve only video chatted from the neck up recently, so...yeah…that transformation was a nice surprise.”
Always Page 8