Always

by Amie Forgeron

  “Would you get back together with him?”

  I pulled my hair into a low ponytail as I shook my head. “No. We’re great friends and we love each other, but there’s zero spark for either of us – we’ve talked about it. It turns out that we never had that spark for each other, but it wasn’t obvious because we were each other’s first kisses and we didn’t know what we were missing.

  “Once we broke up and were kissing other people, it was clear that we made better friends.” I propped my foot on the bench to tie my running shoes.

  “So it was like kissing your brother or something?”

  “Ew, Kelsey! No! Like, how do I say this? … When we’d kiss it was nice. He’s a really great kisser, but … what’s the opposite of spark?”

  “Boring.”

  “No, not that bad! Like … safe. He felt safe and nice, but I want butterflies, electricity, and fireworks if I’m kissing someone. If I’m going to be all in, I need that spark. Do you and Samuel spark?”

  “Oh. Fuck. Yeah.”

  We giggled as I closed my locker and sat on the bench next to her as I adjusted my hair and put on a beanie. She got serious and asked, “So….? What are you going to do?”

  “What am I going to do about what?”

  She put her arm around me and leaned her head on my shoulder. “To get your spark? With James.”

  Just as she said his name, Brittany walked behind us to her locker. At the sound of his name, she turned to face us with an icy glare. Her body tensed as she made eye contact with me and my heart rate doubled.

  Kelsey stood up, glared back at Brittany as she pulled me to my feet by my arm, and said, “Let’s go, T. We don’t want to be late.” We turned the corner and Kelsey put her arm around my shoulder as we walked. “Don’t let her get in your head. I’ve known her since preschool. She won’t do anything else to risk graduation. She’ll still be a bitch, but it’s over. Ok?” I pulled her into a hug as we walked.

  When we got out to the field it was freezing and overcast. We rejoined Samuel and Finn who were already on the field. Samuel put his arms around Kelsey to keep her warm. Our coach sent us for a mile run on the track to warm up. “Leave the outside lanes open for passing, be quick about it.”

  We set out at a jog two abreast with Kelsey and me in the lead. Kelsey looked at me. She was already huffing and puffing. “Tati, oh my god. Leave me here to die!”

  I laughed at her. “Kels, we’ve gone like twenty steps.”

  She stopped running to wave me on. As I ran ahead of her she called out, “Your beautiful bootie will be my last memory before I die. I love you!”

  I laughed and continued running. “I love you, too!” I shouted over my shoulder as I picked up the pace and started the timer on my watch.

  I finished my mile run in just under seven minutes. It was the natural easy pace James and I ran together to warm up. Coach Park gestured me over. “This is going to take a while with these snails. Stay warm. Go again. I want to time you.”

  I ran another mile, finally feeling warmed up. I kicked up the pace. It felt great to run on the springy, recycled rubber track and my stride released. As I finished, he clocked me, “5 minutes, 47 seconds. Want to again? Push a bit more?” I smiled ready for the challenge.

  I stretched out my stride and pushed up the pace again. It felt great. I was finishing my third mile as several others were finally completing their first.

  “Tatiana, 5:36. Come here and talk to me.” He blew his whistle and pointed at the field in the center of the track. He shouted, “Start your soccer drills!”

  As the field filled with students, I approached him and he turned to face me. “Can you sprint?” I nodded. “Head to the line - 100 meters.”

  I walked over to the starting line on the track as he moved to the 100-meter line. I readied myself and waited for his cue. He shouted, “On go. Three, two, one, GO!” I sprinted, arms and legs pumping until I hit the 100-meter mark where the coach was standing. I slowed my pace and walked back to him. “Just over 13 seconds. You can do better. Go again.”

  I smiled and jogged back to the starting line to the ready position. “Three, two, one, GO!” This time I started stronger and flew to the finish. I turned around and jogged back to the coach. “12.6 seconds. Release your thighs. Again.”

  I jogged back to reset on the starting line. “Three, two, one, GO!” My competitive streak burned as I pushed to beat my last time. My legs released further, and my body gained

  momentum with every stride. As I passed the finish line, I heard the coach yell “Yes!” I slowed my pace to an easy jog to relieve my breathing and traveled back to Coach Park.

  “Tatiana, you just clocked 11.9 seconds. I’m running the track and field tryouts on Monday with Coach Kelly. You will be there to try out at 3:15 sharp. Yes?”

  I only had to think about it for a second. Running that fast felt too good. “Yes!” I couldn’t wait to tell James!

  ✽✽✽

  When I got home, I texted James right away.

  Me

  You free? I need to talk to you!!!

  Usually, he was quick to text back, but this time he didn’t. I started my homework. I finished reading two chapters of a novel for a quiz the next day in English class and realized I hadn’t heard back from James. I texted again.

  Me

  J? You there? something I want to tell you. can I come over?

  I set my phone back on the nightstand and left my bedroom. My parents and I ate dinner together and afterwards I excused myself to finish my homework in my room. Really, it was just an excuse to see if James had texted me back. He hadn’t. I tried again.

  Me

  bodyguard? run @ 6?

  Still nothing. I didn’t understand what was happening and was starting to feel really hurt at being ignored. I needed another perspective. I knew it was after midnight in D.C., but I had to face-to-face with Janey. I connected to her number and held back tears.

  (connecting….)

  She didn’t answer. I exited the app and lay down on my bed staring up at the ceiling. I probably lay there for 10 minutes when my phone alerted an incoming text. I sucked in a breath and excitedly grabbed my phone to unlock the screen. It wasn’t James.

  Dashiell

  My mom just told me we’re having Thanksgiving

  at your house!!

  Dashiell

  Ava’s coming too! You will love her!

  Me

  cool

  Dashiell

  You seem thrilled.

  Me

  sorry. bad mood

  Dashiell

  ?

  Me

  James hasn’t talked to me since lunch. sad

  Dashiell

  Oh no

  Me

  I have good news to tell him and it sucks that I can’t.

  Dashiell

  you can tell me the good news

  Me

  not the same

  Dashiell

  I understand

  Dashiell

  want to talk through it? I can call you.

  Me

  it’s ok. just sad.

  Dashiell

  ok. call me if you want. I’ll be up for about another

  hour.

  Me

  it’s fine. see you tomorrow.

  Dashiell

  i’m so happy we live in the same city again! I

  missed you, sweets. See you tomorrow! XO

  9

  The next morning, my alarm sounded, and I got ready for my run. With the upcoming track tryouts, I wanted to do some intervals to work on my speed and recovery times. I looked out the window as I got dressed. There was a thick frost on the grass that reflected the light of the streetlamp. I pulled on a heavier polar fleece jacket and a beanie. I checked my phone, hoping James had texted me back and he hadn’t. I texted again.

  Me

  Bodyguard, I really want to see you!

  Run in 5?

  I put my phone in my poc
ket and laced up my running shoes. I headed out to wait at the mailbox for James. The frosty air burned my lungs and my hands began to numb. I stood there shivering for about 10 minutes when I admitted to myself he wasn’t coming.

  I checked my phone for a text and he hadn’t replied. I texted again.

  Me

  I don’t know what’s going on but i miss you. talk @ school? Please???

  I returned my phone to my pocket and set out to run the sadness and confusion away.

  ✽✽✽

  I didn’t see James when I got to school or during the passing periods. At lunch, Finn, Kelsey, Dashiell, and I sat at the usual table. Samuel was out sick, so I sent him a quick text telling him I missed him. When I looked up from my phone, I spied James goofing around with his cross country buddies across the room. He was sitting with them today instead of me. It was official, he was avoiding me. Kelsey saw the hurt in my eyes and turned in the direction I was facing. The rest of our group did the same.

  Dashiell faced me. “He’s still not talking to you? Want me to talk to him for you? I will.” I shook my head.

  “Wait what? James isn’t talking to you?” Kelsey asked. “What happened?”

  I glanced back over at James and looked down into my lap fighting back tears. I took a deep breath and it shuttered on the inhale. Dashiell reached out and rubbed my back. At his empathetic touch, I squeezed my eyes shut and fat tears fell into my lap. I was heartbroken. “Yesterday we felt electric and today I don’t exist.”

  Dashiell put his arms around me and pulled me into a hug, kissing the top of my head, “Don’t cry, Sweets. It’s ok.” I raised my head and was the target of James’ angry glare.

  Finn gave me a one-raised eyebrow look, then looked over at James. He shook his head as he looked back at me. “Finn, what?”

  He tilted his head and looked me in the eyes intensely, then quickly glanced at Dash as he said, “Nothing.” He picked up his backpack and left without another word.

  Kelsey and I exchanged a confused look after he abruptly left. Kelsey asked, “What’s wrong with Mr. Moody?”

  I shrugged as I quickly wiped the tears from my face and gathered my things. I whispered, “I can’t be in here. I have to go.” I hurried out of the cafeteria, tears stinging my eyes. I sat with my head down in the empty biology lab alone for the rest of lunch.

  When the bell signaled the start of the fourth period, I anxiously awaited James’ arrival, but it didn’t happen. He must have ditched class. Desperate to connect with him, I quickly texted him.

  Me

  J, where are you? you ok?

  I really need to talk to you today! please?!

  Class began and I put my phone into my pocket. I heard none of what Mrs. Olsen said during the lesson. I hadn’t even bothered to take notes. I just sat there thinking about how I could fix things with James.

  ✽✽✽

  I walked slowly home after school. As I walked up the path to my house, I changed direction and headed across the lawn to James’ house instead. My heart thumped rapidly in my chest as I rang the doorbell. I took a steadying breath as I waited.

  The door opened slowly and a female I didn’t know answered. She was tall and thin with shiny long auburn hair and large emerald green eyes. I knew those eyes. It had to be one of his sisters home for Thanksgiving break. I smiled and she returned it.

  “Hi, I’m Tati. I Iive next door. Is James home?”

  She pinched together her brows. She quickly glanced over her shoulder and back at me. “I’m his sister, Katie. Hi ... Ummm …” She turned to look over her shoulder again. “Now’s not ... really a good time.” My face fell and she took it in when she looked back at me. She put her hand on my upper arm. “But, hey, I’ll tell him you came by. Ok?”

  I sucked in a ragged breath. I wiped the tears from my eyes as I slowly walked back to my house.

  When I entered, my parents were busy putting groceries away. They cheerily called out to me, but I walked straight to my bedroom and closed the door. The tears came fast, and I lay there for the next hour sobbing over James.

  ✽✽✽

  The next morning was the start of our school’s Thanksgiving break. I awakened with the sun and lay in bed. A soft knock sounded and my mom entered my bedroom. She was dressed in cold weather running gear. “You up, Tati?” I rubbed my swollen eyes and looked at her as she sat on the edge of my bed and smoothed my hair. “Mamma and I are going to take a nice long run. We’d like you to come. Please, Tati. It will do you good. We’ll wait a half hour for you.” She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, stood up, and left the room.

  I lay in bed not wanting to move. I picked up my phone from the nightstand. There were no messages. My chest tightened and I let out a long, slow breath. I fought with myself whether to text James or not – I settled on not texting. I

  already put myself out there with my efforts and it got me nowhere. I couldn’t be that desperate stereotype of a girl. I refused to be that girl! If he didn’t want me, then I wasn’t going to chase him. I arose to get dressed for the run. My mom was right, it would do me good. I need to clear my head.

  I entered the living room and my parents were waiting for me on the couch. My mamma smiled when she saw me dressed to run. She nodded toward the kitchen. “Eat something first and put a pack of energy gels in your pocket. Put on your water bottle belt, too.” She walked over and put her arms around me. “You were so quiet last night. Ready to talk about what’s bothering you?”

  “Nope.” She released her embrace and nodded.

  I ate half of a protein bar and put a packet of energy gels into the pocket of my fleece running hoodie, clipped on my water bottle belt, looked at my parents and headed out the door. They quickly followed and allowed me to set the pace for our run heading toward the rural area. We ran in silence for at least four miles.

  We transitioned from suburbs to countryside and ran on

  a road of hard packed mud and gravel. There were no sidewalks or traffic, so we three ran side by side with me in the middle. “I’m trying out for track on Monday.”

  They both smiled and offered enthusiastic words of encouragement, but my expression remained neutral. We fell back into silence. I was grateful that they supported my need to be quiet; they understood I would confide in them when I was ready. I loved them for that. Around mile five, my mamma breathed in deeply, “Tati, let’s make this the halfway point. I’m not the runner you two are and your pace is a bit too fast for me.” I nodded, but if I had been alone, I’d have kept going.

  To give my mamma a break, we stopped to stretch, hydrate, and eat some gels. No one spoke. My parents exchanged glances as I looked off into the distance at the frosted farm fields. I breathed deeply and turned to my parents.

  “James won’t talk to me. He avoided me at school. He won’t text me back. He wouldn’t come to the door when I tried to visit him. I honestly thought he was going to kiss me on Monday at lunch, like, I really wanted him to and I thought he

  did, too, but then he just took off and said ‘I can’t do this’ and now he won’t even look at me. He’s my best friend and I really want to be his girlfriend. I miss him, but … I put myself out there and he doesn’t want me.” My parents exchanged glances and wrapped me in a hug. Tears flowed down my cheeks. I brushed them away and ran back toward home at a faster pace with my parents following about fifty yards behind me the entire way.

  ✽✽✽

  As we approached the house, I saw James’ family walking up the path headed toward their front door. I recognized his mom and the sister who answered the door. Behind them was another girl carrying a large duffle bag who looked like a more athletic version of Katie, but with bright purple hair, Beth probably. A few feet behind them was James. Barb turned at the sound of the footfalls of the three of us running toward our house and called out, “Hello neighbors! Beautiful day isn’t it?”

  James turned his attention to me and I waved. He quickly looked away. I wiped away a tea
r and walked into my house to shower leaving my parents outside chatting with the neighbors.

  ✽✽✽

  I stayed in my bedroom with the door closed listening to a few of Finn’s playlists until midafternoon. I could hear my parents talking and laughing over the whir of the mixer. By the aroma wafting into my room I could tell they were prepping food in advance for Thanksgiving dinner. I joined them.

  My mom came around the counter and gave me a hug. She released me but held my face in her hands keeping her eyes steady on mine. “I love you, Tati. When you’re ready to talk through this, I’m here.” She relaxed her gaze and went back to chopping vegetables in the kitchen.

  “May I help?” I asked quietly.

  My mamma smiled in reply, “I thought you’d never ask! Come around here and help me with this pie. I hate baking!”

  I busied myself with kitchen tasks as they were assigned to me and was soon feeling in better spirits. We chatted as we worked, and I even laughed at a few stories my parents told about my mamma’s past holiday baking disasters. We reminisced and enjoyed each other’s company throughout the evening.

  After we ate a quick Indian take-out curry for dinner, I decided to take a quick walk around the block to loosen up my hips. I was stiff after standing in the kitchen for so long, and with track tryouts coming up, I wanted to stay as loose as possible. I was halfway down the block when I realized the temperature had dropped dramatically since my run earlier. I was wearing a baggy long sleeve t-shirt and thin nylon track pants and was regretting not having put on a coat.