around 11:00? I have my own key, I can be quiet
letting myself in.
Me
Nice try!!!
James
What if I wait an hour until it actually is 11:00?
Please????
Me
still no.
James
I am a master of self-control, you know you can
trust me.
Me
That self control is questionable at times.
Me
I do trust you. Very much.
James
I trust you, too. Very much.
James
Hey Tati?
Me
Hey James?
James
I hear it’s a special someone’s 18th birthday on
Friday and we should celebrate! Can I take you out
on a date on Saturday? A real one like to dinner
and a movie or something else? You can pick,
birthday girl, it’s my gift to you!
Me
Yes!!! i’m excited already!
James
You make me happy.
Me
❤You make me happy, too.
James
❤ good night, cheetah-girl.
Me
good night, bodyguard. Sweet dreams.
James
... of kissing you in that cute little robe
James
and look at that, it’s 11:00!
Me
JAMES!!! No.
James
ok.
James
see? a master of self control!
Me
hardly. night, j
James
night, t
✽✽✽
At first, things didn’t change that much with James living at his house again because after his grandparents left on Monday morning, he was still at my house a lot. On Monday night, he came over for dinner and then asked to stay the night in the guest room, which put us right back into our usual routine, including the after-shower kiss. On Tuesday and Wednesday, he went home right after dinner, but we found him sleeping in our guestroom with the bedroom door open the following mornings, so he must’ve sneaked back in after we’d gone to bed. On Thursday, he went home after dinner to work on homework and stayed there. My mamma thought he just had to work up to the idea of sleeping there alone. He stopped sleeping at our house after that. Things appeared to be back to normal.
✽✽✽
My parents threw me an amazing party at our house on Friday night for my 18th birthday. James and my core group of friends came over, plus a sober and sweet Ava, a few kids from the track team, a boy Finn started dating named Kenji, and a few close friends of my parents whom I called “aunties” and “uncles” because they’d known me my whole life.
For dinner, my parents planned all my favorites! They had the idea to create a make-your-own taco bar with all the traditional fixings. My mamma added a touch of her Korean flare to it and cooked my grandma’s recipe for spicy tofu plus kimchi and pickled veggies to stuff into the tortillas, too. We also had a create your own lemonade stand that had sparkling lemonade plus mix-ins like fresh berries and herbs. My auntie Mel made an amazing chocolate cake with strawberry frosting on the outside. Inside, it had layers of fresh strawberries and whipped cream. There were even huge chocolate dipped strawberries around the top. Everything was perfect!
We laughed a lot when my parents and auntie Bea told stories about me. Finn deejayed and we danced and sang karaoke. Janey even “hung out” on video chat for a while!
Toward the end of the night everyone insisted that I open my gifts. The best gift was from my auntie Bea. She wrapped up a box that had a voter’s registration form, an ally rainbow flag sticker, a Ruth Bader Ginsburg pin, two t-shirts that had the sayings “The Future Is Female” and “My Body, My Choice!”, and a gift subscription to the Feminist Book Club for six months. In her card she wrote, “The world needs strongly opinionated women! BE LOUD and make auntie Bea proud!”
The party was full of love and laughter with my favorite people by my side. It was my favorite birthday!
✽✽✽
Saturday night was my date with James and I couldn’t wait! Because the date was my birthday present, I chose that we go to dinner and ice skating. James arrived at 7:00 on the dot and held out a bouquet of orange tulips to me when I opened the door. He looked so handsome and his emerald eyes sparkled happily when he set his gaze on me.
“Happy second date, Tati, and happy 18th plus one day birthday.” He leaned down to give me a tender kiss on the cheek.
I let him in so that I could put the flowers in a vase. I walked into my bedroom to place them on my bedside table and when I turned around I realized James had followed me. He pulled me into his arms for a gentle hug and he placed his full lips on mine for a lingering moment sending a tingle down my spine. He pulled away and stepped back to look at me.
“You look really pretty, Tati. New outfit?” I smiled and nodded as he reached out to straighten the charm on my necklace. “Are you ready to go, birthday girl?”
✽✽✽
We ate at a little Italian restaurant downtown in the main square. The restaurant had candles on the tables and twinkly lights on the ceiling. It was beautiful! James’ emerald eyes came to life in that lighting and shone with happiness. He held my hand across the table any time we weren’t eating. It felt like something out of a romantic movie.
He must have told them it was my birthday because after our dinner dishes were cleared, I was surprised with a fancy chocolate lava cake with a birthday candle in it. James smiled, “Make a wish, birthday girl.” I looked into James’ kind eyes and my heart filled with so much love. I closed my eyes and had a vision that became my wish. I blew out the candle. “Must have been a good wish. You’re blushing.” He winked at me.
“It was the best wish and I hope it comes true!”
After dinner, we walked a few blocks to the outdoor ice rink in the park. We rented skates and held hands as we circled laps around the rink to the cheesy 80s music. I got bumped by a little kid and almost fell, but James caught me and pulled me up close to him until I was steady on my feet. He gave me a small peck on the cheek and we continued skating and laughing.
It was 9:00 and our skating came to an end when the Zamboni drove out to clear the snow from the ice. As James returned our skates, I bought us a hot chocolate to share from the coffee cart. We took turns taking small sips to warm up as
we walked back to the car.
We drove home the short distance in comfortable silence. Once we parked in the driveway he turned off the car, unbuckled his seatbelt, and faced me. He took my hands in his. “I had a really fun time with you tonight, birthday girl. Did you have a nice night?”
I started gushing like a lovesick fool and I didn’t care. “James, this was the best date! It was perfect! Thank you so so much for taking me out tonight! I loved the food - that pasta was so good with those tortellini and the peas - and the twinkly lights were so festive, that restaurant was so romantic like a movie! The surprise birthday cake was delicious and I loved ice skating - everything was amazing, James, it was perfect! It was so sweet of you to plan this! I loved everything!”
James beamed. “I loved it all, too.” He let go of one hand to gently stroke my cheek and he tucked a stray curl behind my ear. “The thing I loved most is you. I love you, Tatiana. I am so in love with you.” My heart skipped and my face flushed.
I looked him, his eyes serious. “I love you too, James. I love you so much!” He leaned in to kiss me, a sweet, tender, loving kiss.
“Come on, I’ll walk you to your door.” He got out and ran around the car to open the door and offered his hand to help me out. We walked hand in hand to my front door, and as we stood on the porch shyly smiling at one another, his strong arms embraced me. He leaned down and rested his cheek on the top of my head. I buried my face in his chest. He smelle
d of coconuts, clean and sweet. “Tati, I don’t even have words for how much you mean to me. You are my dream girl and I am so lucky that you love me back.”
He kissed the top of my head, then my forehead followed by the tip of my nose. He kissed each cheek and my chin, each corner of my mouth, and then finally my lips. Sweet, soft kisses that made me feel like my entire body was made of butterflies. “I love you, Cheetah-girl. Happy birthday.” He kissed me softly once more on the lips and walked back to his house.
When I went inside, my smile felt a mile wide. I couldn’t help it. My parents were snuggled on the couch reading. My mamma was the first to look up, “Tati, you look like you had a nice time on your date!” My mom agreed.
I sat in the chair facing them. “He told me he loves me! I said it back.” My smile filled my face.
My parents smiled and my mom replied, “I’m surprised it took so long for you two to say it! I expected it months ago!” She laughed. “I am happy for you. Love is a very special gift to exchange.”
After telling them about the rest of my date, I kissed my parents good night, took a shower, and snuggled in underneath the down comforter thinking of James the entire time. I couldn’t stop smiling.
✽✽✽
James
Good night, Cheetah-girl. I LOVE YOU!!
❤❤❤❤❤
Me
Good night, Bodyguard. I LOVE YOU RIGHT BACK!!! ❤❤❤❤❤
James
can i tell you a secret?
Me
always
James
i’ve been in love with you for a really long time!
Me
can i tell you a secret?
James
always
Me
i wished for this tonight. you told me you love me!!!!
My birthday wish came true!!!
Me
can i tell you another secret?
James
always
Me
I’ve been in love with you for a really long time too. sweet dreams, j. I love you!!!
James
I only dream of you. ❤ I love you, too!!!
16
The last few months of high school flew by. Our track season ended with us coming in second place in our division and James and I both set personal records. Prom, college, graduation, and summer vacation were on everyone’s minds and it seemed like it was all anyone was talking about. Everyone, it seemed, was buzzing with happiness ready to move on to the next phase in life. Everyone except James and me.
We sat in my bedroom after school one day comparing our college acceptance letters. We hadn’t talked about it when we applied for colleges, but by coincidence we had applied for two in common. Unfortunately, one of the schools wanted James and not me, and we still hadn’t heard from the other, which was a longshot. James would need a full scholarship to make it work even if he were accepted. We began to become disheartened.
“James,” I said through tears as I reread my rejection letter, “maybe this isn’t going to work. I mean, what if the other one doesn’t want both of us either. Or what if they do, but you can’t get a scholarship? What are we going to do?”
He reached out and put his hand on my thigh. “Hey, Tati, there’s still a chance.”
“But what if it doesn’t happen, James? Be realistic. You’ll be off living your life and I’ll be hundreds of miles away! What if you decide you don’t love me anymore once you move? What if you meet someone better?”
James’ face hardened. “Tati, stop with the ‘what ifs’! I am not planning on breaking up with you! We’ll make it work. Yes, it will suck to do long distance, but people make it work all the time. We can make it work. Stop talking like it’s the end of us!”
“But it might be the end of us! You don’t know. It devastates me to think about it, but maybe it’s for the best that we get it over with and just be friends. I don’t know if I can live hundreds of miles away from you and pretend like everything is normal.”
“Stop it, Tati! Don’t talk like that! Is that really what you want? To break up with me to ‘get it over with’? Before we are a hundred percent sure that it won’t work out? Before we actually try all our options to make things work? Seriously? I’m pissed at you. You’re giving up! You’re totally giving up on us without even trying!”
“No! I’m not giving up! I love you so much, James, so much! But I’m saying I don’t know what else to do. We will go months without seeing each other. I don’t understand how that will work.”
Tears filled James’ eyes. “Tati, please don’t talk like that. It’s not what either of us wants, so just stop! I don’t want to argue anymore about this. This conversation is ridiculous! We are not breaking up today!”
I looked into James’ pleading eyes and wrapped him in a tight hug, my face buried in his neck, tears streaming down my face. “I need you to tell me it’s okay. I don’t want to lose you. We’ve gone through too much together.”
He pulled out of my embrace and looked me in the eyes as if challenging me. “Tati, please. Stop doing this! We’ll talk about it again once all our letters come in. Neither of us have heard from UCSB and you’re still waiting on - what - two more besides that, right? And one of them is your dream school and your dream program. I want that for you! Don’t you? We’ll figure things out in a few weeks when we have all the options in front of us. Come here.”
He wrapped me in his arms and held me close. “In this moment, we are together and I love you. I don’t want to be sad when I’m around you, ok? I love you right now. That’s all that matters.”
✽✽✽
James and I decided to skip prom. Instead, we booked a table at the Italian restaurant that he took me to for my birthday, and, after prom ended that night, Dashiell and Ava were going to meet up with us for a late-night dessert and glow-in-the-dark bowling.
Even though we weren’t going to the dance, I wanted to dress up in more than my usual jeans for our date, so I wore my favorite ruffly red sundress and cute ballet flats to match. It was an outfit that I loved wearing when Janey and I would go out; it had been a long time since I had a reason to wear it. I pulled my curls into a low bun since they were a bit too wild to tame with the humidity. I looked in the mirror and felt strong, feminine, and beautiful.
James arrived looking amazing as usual. His deep emerald green eyes were enhanced by the color of his shirt and they sparked to life when he saw me.
“Whoa, Cheetah-girl! You’re wearing a dress! You look - I’m...” His eyes tracked lustfully down my body taking in my curves and muscles. “Seriously, why are you with me? You are so out of my league!” He took my hand and pulled me to him, pressing his body against mine. His hands moved down my side to my hips where they stayed, and he looked deeply into my eyes. He whispered, “I love you, Tatiana.”
“I love you, too, James. So much.” He leaned down and kissed me sweetly. When he pulled back from the kiss, I reached up and wiped my lipstick from his lips. He playfully nipped at my fingers as I did.
“Hey, Tati?”
“Hey, James?”
“It’s quiet here. Where are your parents?”
“Out to dinner with auntie Bea. She’s staying with us for the weekend.”
“That’s nice. So we’re all alone? You know, we don’t have to go out. We could just stay here.” He smiled pleadingly as his hands wandered from my waist to my butt and gave a light squeeze pulling me in contact with him. He leaned down and kissed a spot between my neck and collarbone, then his lips slowly traced the line of my necklace down towards my cleavage. My eyes closed and I tipped my head back as a thousand butterflies filled my stomach and my breath caught in my chest. Everything he was doing felt so amazingly good.
With every bit of willpower I had, I pulled away and refocused on his face. “James, please stop.” His eyes met mine and he smiled as he stood back up. “Nice try, mister. We’re going out!” I wriggled out of his grip and quickly gathered
my purse, a denim jacket, and socks for bowling later. As I opened the front door. I glanced at him over my shoulder and added wickedly, “But maybe if you’re a good boy all night, you can earn a treat.”
I gave a flirtatious smile and walked down the path to the car. After he locked the door. He raced up and grabbed me from behind with his arms held tightly around my waist and face tucked into the crook of my neck. We awkwardly walked stuck together like that down the path.
“Oh I will be a very good boy tonight. A very very good boy.”
✽✽✽
At the restaurant, we sat in the outdoor garden patio surrounded by lush plants and twinkly lights. It was even more romantic than the first time we went. The candles on the tables flickered and the waning moon was high in the clear sky. I could think of no other place I’d rather be.
It was a warm late spring night, so afterwards, we walked around the downtown plaza and the park’s duck pond hand in hand. For a quarter we bought a handful of duck food from a repurposed gumball machine and tossed it out to the sound of eager quacks. As we walked, we would occasionally stop to kiss and cuddle. It was a perfect night and so much better than a school dance could ever be.
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