Always

by Amie Forgeron

  Just before 10:00 we walked to the bakery where we were meeting Dashiell and Ava. I ordered the two of us mochas with whipped cream and chocolate shavings and we shared a chocolate chip cookie. After about 15 minutes of waiting, I texted Dashiell. It wasn’t like him to be late.

  Me

  Dash we’re here at the bakery. Are you still coming?

  James sat next to me on the bench with his arm around me. He absentmindedly stroked little circles on my collarbone with his fingertips. We quietly talked as we waited for a reply. A few minutes later, my phone chimed with a text alert.

  Dashiell

  Ava broke up with me.

  “James! Ava broke up with Dash!” James removed his arm from around me and sat up straighter to look over my shoulder as I texted.

  Me

  Oh no!! Where are you? Want us to come over?

  Dashiell

  Tati, what am I going to do? I love her so much!!!

  I’m home. I need you. I don’t want to be alone.

  ✽✽✽

  About twenty minutes later, James and I pulled up at the gate in front of the Air Force housing complex. We signed in with the guard and continued up the road to Dashiell’s house. When he opened the door, he looked rough. His eyes were red and swollen and his whole aura was filled with deep sadness. He still wore his tuxedo pants, but his shirt was untucked and unbuttoned and he was barefoot.

  “Hey, Dash. Oh Puppy, you ok?” He leaned down to hug us and started crying loudly. We three stood together in an embrace for a few moments until he calmed enough to invite us inside.

  Dashiell took us back to his room where we sat on his queen-sized bed. I sat next to him with my back against the pillows and James reclined on his side facing us propped up on a pillow at the foot end of the bed. Dashiell looked at me and smiled through his tears. He tucked his hair behind his ears. “You called me Puppy. You haven’t done that in a really long time.” I smiled. “Thanks for coming over.”

  I replied, “Of course. I’m here for you. Always. What happened?”

  Dashiell blew his nose and lay down curling up on his side to face us. New tears filled his eyes. James reached out and rubbed Dashiell’s leg. “Come on, brother. We’re here for you. No judgement. It’s ok.”

  Dashiell sighed. “She was totally hung up on me losing my virginity on prom night like it was a rite of passage or something. We’ve been arguing about it for weeks. I told her no over and over, but she just wouldn’t let up! … She said, ‘I’m tired of waiting for you to become a real man’. What the eff does that even mean? We fought the whole way there. We never even made it into the dance.”

  James shook his head in disbelief. I responded, “Dash, you are one of the realest men I know. You are so secure in yourself, respectful to women, and kind to everyone. That’s what makes a real man, not sex.”

  Dashiell closed his eyes for a moment and his face turned bright red. He sat up and his eyes flashed in anger. “Then she tells me she lost her virginity on New Year’s Eve during her party to some guy named Darius and if I wasn’t up for it with her tonight then we were done!”

  Sadly, I wasn’t surprised at all. I paused for a moment and looked to James for confidence. He knew what I was about to say and cringed. “Dash, can I tell you something that might hurt you?” He nodded. “I had a feeling she probably had sex with that guy. I am so so sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  Dashiell laid back down, resting his head in my lap and I stroked his hair. “You don’t have to be sorry. I know you wanted to talk about it that night and I didn’t want to hear it. I stopped you, remember? This is on me, not you. I saw them go upstairs together a few times and the way he was looking at her all night. I knew he was going to try something, but I was hoping she loved me enough to be faithful.” Dashiell sat up again filled with rage. “And that outfit on New Year’s! I swear she was showing her boobs to everyone on purpose all night. You should have seen her dress tonight! It was embarrassing!” He flushed deeply at the memory.

  James gave Dashiell a look and rolled his eyes as he said, “Tati told me about how bad it was on New Years. Sorry, man. You know, I don’t get why girls think they have to show everything to feel attractive. I mean, ok, I won’t like, it’s hot

  looking at girls dressed in sexy things when it’s just the two of you in private, but in public it always brings the wrong kind of attention. Like they’re trying to attract every guy out there - even these pervy old creeps that have no business looking at them. It’s always about attracting attention in the wrong way. When girls do that it comes off as slutty and desperate to me.” Dashiell nodded in agreement at James.

  I sighed and James looked at me. He held my hand, “I’m sorry, Tati. I know you hate hearing about that and I don’t mean to be disrespectful to you. I just wanted Dash to know that I understand his mindset and that he’s not the only guy who has it. Tons of guys feel the same way.” I kissed his hand. I understood and didn’t have hard feelings.

  Dashiell began to cry again. “I should’ve followed them. I knew I should have followed them and protected her. I think deep down I knew what was happening and that’s what hurts so bad. I wanted to trust her. I thought she loved me more than that.”

  We were all silent for a few minutes. I stroked Dashiell’s hair as he cried and James held his hand. With renewed anger Dashiell exclaimed, “She broke up with me before prom because I don’t want to have sex and she cheated on me while I was at a party at her house! I am so effing stupid!”

  James chimed in, “Brother, you are not stupid. Any girl should feel lucky to have you as her guy. You loved her and trusted that she felt the same way. There’s nothing stupid about that.” Dashiell stood up and started pacing.

  “You know what the worst part is, James? She was so effing drunk on New Years. Like falling down drunk, right, Tati?” I agreed. “This guy, Darius, was so sick! What kind of a guy has sex with a girl who can barely stand up because she’s that drunk? I’m pissed at her, but I want to beat the effing crap out of this guy! He’s not a good person! I mean, I saw on the news people get arrested for that kind of thing - having sex with really drunk girls!” Dash began sobbing and sat back down on the bed facing us. I reached out and held his hand.

  “Dash, take a breath … Dash, come on it’s ok … I know you, Puppy, don’t beat yourself up over this. Ok? Come here.”

  I held my arms open and he moved into the embrace. “She was sneaking around and you couldn’t have protected her every moment. This is not your fault. What he did was wrong. Completely wrong. It disgusts me that a guy would do that, actually, but it is not your fault that he did.”

  James nodded and added, “Brother, something I learned in therapy is that you cannot control the actions of other people. It is not your fault. We know that you would have stopped that slimebag if you caught him doing something.”

  I continued, “Ava was cheating. She isn’t a good person. She told me that they-“

  James shook his head. “Tati, no. He’s hurting, he doesn’t need to hear it. Not tonight.”

  Dashiell agreed with James. “No, I don’t want to know. I can’t know. I’m devastated, Tati. I love her so much! I know things haven’t been good with me and her since I moved. I guess I was in denial. Do you think?” I tilted my head in subtle agreement and he sighed.

  “She’s changed so much since she started going to that school. I mean, back in Ohio, she was this bubbly, sweet

  girl on the softball team and we went to church together and did Bible study and volunteered at the homeless shelter all the time, and now … I don’t know what happened to the girl I fell in love with. I really thought she loved me. How could I have been so wrong?”

  He moved to lie face down on his bed, his body wracked with sobs. I rubbed his back as tears streamed down my face. James looked at me with tears in his eyes, too, and he mouthed “I love you.” I returned the sentiment staring deeply into his kind eyes.

  Dashiell calmed and rolled to face
me. I smoothed his hair away from his face as I spoke softly. “Dash, you are one of the most loving, gentle, and kind-hearted people on this planet. I respect you immensely for keeping your promise to yourself and to God. Your future wife will be so grateful when you give her that gift and I am so proud of you for staying true to what you believe.

  “I know you love Ava, and I am so sorry that your heart is broken, but the right girl will see how amazing, special, sweet, and respectful you are, and the right girl will have the

  same relationship with God as you and she will appreciate and respect you like you deserve. I love you, Puppy, and I will always be here for you.” I put my hand on his bare chest at his heart and he held it there.

  James put his hand on Dashiell’s calf. “I love you, too, man. You are a really awesome person and I think of you like a brother. You don’t deserve this. I know this sucks so hard right now and I wish I had the right things to say, but just know I’ve got your back, yeah? ... Ok, when my mom died, Tati’s mom said something that I think can help you. She said, ‘You are far stronger than you feel.’ Wise women in that family.” He winked at me and it warmed my heart. “She also said, ‘Cry, it’s how we heal.’ I mean, you have to feel it, brother, to be able to let it go, so just ride it out and know that in the end you are stronger for it.”

  Dashiell sat up and took both our hands in his. “I love you guys, so much. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being my best friends ... I’m sorry I ruined your date.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “You should go. Finish your date. I’m ok now.”

  “We can stay.” James said.

  “No, my parents will be home soon and maybe I can get Finn or Samuel to stay over.”

  He walked us out to James’ car where we all hugged. He waved goodnight and as we headed down the street James asked, “Hey Tati, why do you call Dash, ‘Puppy’?” I didn’t answer at first. “If it’s private, you don’t have to tell me.”

  I giggled. “Because that’s what he reminds me of - a giant, playful, sweet, loyal, innocent puppy. He’s always been that way and probably always will be.”

  James laughed. “I see it, yeah. That’s perfect.”

  The rest of the drive home, James held my hand at the red lights, but didn’t speak. As we turned into our neighborhood I broke the silence.

  “J? Are you ok?”

  “I’m bothered. I feel for Dash and that made me think about us maybe not being together which made me really sad. I’m just thinking too much about things.”

  “Please don’t think about us not being together. Not tonight.” He pulled into his driveway and turned off the car. After unbuckling our seatbelts, we turned to face one another. “I love you, James. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I love you, too, Tati. I’m not going anywhere either. But … it’s not just that. This thing with Dash and Ava … I need to know, do I pressure you too much? Like, I know I say things - I mean even tonight - about wanting to be with you and sometimes it’s so hard to keep my hands off you, but I do try, Tati … I want you to know that I respect you and love you so much and I never want to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or like I’m pushing you.”

  I reached up to touch his cheeks and looked him deeply in the eyes. “James, you are one of the most respectful, patient, gentlemanly people I know. I love you and trust you. You never push me and everything we’ve done has been because I wanted to not because you forced me. You are such a good partner to me, James. You have nothing to worry about, ok?”

  He looked relieved and I released my hands from his face. “Now, take me inside and let’s end this date on a happy note.” I grinned and winked. “You were a very good boy tonight.”

  James’ eyes widened as he realized what I was saying and he smiled broadly. “I was a good boy. So what’s my treat?”

  “You’re just going to have to take me inside to find out.”

  He exited the car and jogged around to help me out. As I stood he pulled me to him and kissed me sweetly on the cheek. “Is it ok if I tell you that you are so mind-blowingly gorgeous in this dress?”

  I blushed and nodded, “Thanks. You look handsome tonight.” I kissed him sweetly on the lips. “And the way you stepped up with Dash tonight, so kind and open and loving … You’re perfect, James. I love you.” I kissed him sensuously and didn’t want it to stop. I forced myself to pull away from his eager lips, smiled, and made intense eye contact. “James, is it ok if we go to your house for a little while? I think it might be 11:00.”

  James took a beat to understand my intention, but quickly remembered the 11:00 activity from New Year’s Eve. With wide eyes, he beamed and eagerly wrapped his arm around my waist as he led the way. He laughed as he exclaimed, “Yes, it’s more than ok, Tati! I consent!”

  ✽✽✽

  Graduation day arrived in a swirling sea of emotions. As we dressed in our caps and gowns and took our places in the procession, my heart broke for all the friends I had to leave behind. Our group of six, James, Finn, Kelsey, Samuel, Dashiell, and I had become a family of our own and I couldn’t imagine going a day without their stories and jokes, their empathy and strength, and, most of all, their unconditional love. They were my heart and soul.

  We all gathered after the ceremony to say our goodbyes. Finn was headed to college in the U.K., to University of Oxford, and he was leaving next week to get settled and travel around Europe before school started. His first stop was to tour Amsterdam with his boyfriend, Kenji, and

  first stop was to tour Amsterdam with his boyfriend, Kenji, and he’d been talking about it nonstop for weeks!

  Dashiell was leaving tomorrow to stay with his grandparents in D.C. for a few weeks. From there, he was traveling to Papua, New Guinea, for six weeks on a Christian missionary trip and he had been accepted to the Peace Corps and was awaiting his assignment. His kind heart led the way.

  Kelsey’s and Samuel’s families were headed on a cross country co-family road trip to take them to college, also ending up in D.C. Samuel was attending Gallaudet University, a top ranked college for the Deaf. Kelsey was unable to get one of the coveted Hearing spots at his school, but she’d be nearby at Georgetown. Even though they weren’t attending the same colleges, they would be in the same city. I was happy for them and a little jealous that they could still be so close together and see each other all the time.

  James and his sister, Beth, were leaving the day after tomorrow to stay with their grandparents. They were headed as a family to Katie’s college graduation, and then all of them,

  plus a few cousins, planned to go to their grandparents’ cabin on Lake Erie for two weeks.

  Once James, Beth, and Katie came back home, he and I would have two quick weeks together before Katie would drive him to U.C. Santa Barbara. His full athletic scholarship required that he arrive early to finalize paperwork, attend some meetings, and participate in a conditioning camp with the men’s Cross Country Team before school started. I missed him already.

  James and I were headed to different colleges. When my own acceptance to UCSB arrived, James and I were ecstatic and even planned to try to live together, but a few days after receiving my UCSB acceptance, I received acceptance into the Neurobiology program at UCLA, my first-choice school and program!

  James and I had a lengthy, honest conversation with my parents to sort through our feelings and, at the end of it, he said the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, “I love you, now you do you. Make me proud!” He knew how much that program meant to me, and by letting me be true to myself and

  not pressuring me to go to the same school as him, he anchored himself deeper into my heart.

  After doing a bit of research this morning, I discovered James and I will only be a two hour drive apart if we can borrow someone’s car, but if not, there’s a train we can take, too. In the grand scheme of things, I’m willing to commute a few hours to spend a weekend with James occasionally! I bought him a gift certificate for the train and put it in his gr
aduation card as a surprise; I couldn’t wait to plan our first visit!

  I was excited for my friends, but the idea of not seeing them every day broke my heart. We hugged each other tightly, tears streaming down our faces as we congratulated each other on the people we’d become. I had no doubt that we’d all be together again, many times over, but the day was still bittersweet.

  ✽✽✽

  The day after graduation, James and I hiked up to The Boulders together breathing in the heady fragrance of wildflowers along the trail. In the summer sun, the ascent was sweltering, but the cool mountain breeze at the summit made it all worth it. We sat together on the flat boulder and looked toward the west - toward our homes, toward our colleges - the past, present, and future wrapped into a spectacular moment. I closed my eyes and let the warmth of the sun and my optimism fill my heart.

  “Cheetah-girl, can I tell you something, but you have to promise to let me finish and not interrupt me unt-.” I opened my eyes and looked at James.

  “I don’t interrupt!”

  “You do, you just did, but it’s only because you get so excited. It’s cute. But this time, don’t ok?”

  “Ok. I promise I won’t interrupt. But just so you know, you are interrupting my meditation.”

  “Cheetah-girl, you make me so happy.” We both laughed, and he kissed me sweetly on the lips.

  “You make me so happy, too.” He kissed me again more intensely, then looked into my eyes.

  “Ok, no interrupting.” I made a gesture to zip my lips and squinted my eyes at him making him chuckle and kiss my forehead. “You’re so damn cute! I can’t stand it! Ok, here goes. I planned a speech to mark the occasion.”