by Beth Garrod
‘What took you so long?’ Despite practically shouting, my sister didn’t even flinch. ‘We’ve only got fifteen minutes to get to Agatha!’
‘Hello to you too, sister.’ Why did she look so calm? It was frightening. ‘And stop freaking out. Google Maps says it’ll take eleven minutes walking my pace. If you’d wanted me out quicker, you could have helped me stack the chairs.’
And spend time with her and Frankie? No way. I grabbed Erin’s arm. ‘Walk quicker. And tell me what happened!’
It was the first chance we’d had to catch up in private.
‘With what?’
I didn’t like it when Erin was like this. Which was all the time.
‘With EVERYTHING! Micha? Frankie? Lessons? Did anyone speak to you at the lockers? I need everything.’ I took a dramatic deep breath. ‘Every. Single. Word.’
But Erin just shrugged. ‘Nothing to report. Although I heard you got almost twenty questions right for Les Quizerables?’
‘Uh-huh.’ I nodded, proud of myself.
‘Out of two hundred.’ Ah. No wonder it felt never-ending. ‘Lils – they were multiple choice, even a monkey could have got fifty.’
‘Yes, but I bet that monkey wouldn’t also be texting its best friend explaining why they couldn’t meet for lunch.’
‘Ah.’ Erin’s face fell. ‘Look, I didn’t technically meet Micha, okay.’ What? This wasn’t our deal! ‘But I wasn’t to know she’d come and sit by me in the canteen.’
My mouth fell open. Did my sister really not know how best friends worked?!
‘Please tell me you didn’t do anything weird… well, weirder than normal.’
‘Calm down, Lil. For your info, I can report that neither Chase Cheney’s blinking, Micha’s new football trick nor how “weirdly into rocks” your big sister is was that interesting.’ Er, oops. I’d been so busy worrying about Erin being weird to Micha I hadn’t thought of all the secrets that might come spilling out back in her direction. ‘And no, I will not dump Ben for Harley.’ Wow, Micha really had covered some areas. ‘And for the record, yes, of course my bananaphobia is real. Why would I lie?’ Erin shuddered. My sister really did have no weaknesses except a weird, crippling fear of bananas. We weren’t allowed them in the house and she avoided them in the supermarket too. So typical – even her one phobia was unique and sort of impressive. ‘I made my excuses so I could go and do something fun instead.’
‘So you abandoned my best friend mid-lunch?’ What would Mich be thinking?! ‘That is not okay, Erin.’
‘But you told me to not speak to her?’
Arghh! She was so infuriating. ‘Yes, but once you started, stopping was probably worse. And anyway, hanging out with my best friend is miles more fun than spending lunch finding out what hippo… monster –’ I realized I hadn’t even learnt that fact – ‘squidophobia,’ I ended with a confident flourish, ‘means.’ I held out her school bag. ‘Can we swap? This weighs a tonne.’
Erin sighed. ‘Probably because it doesn’t just have one mouldy apple, a packet of flattened Hula Hoops and zero books in it.’
We swapped bags just as the boys’ football team walked by. I swear one of them shouted, ‘Shouldn’t you be reading classic texts?’ Weird. Erin stopped to glare at them. But there was no time for dirty looks. Every second counted. Grabbing her arm, and pulling her after me, we turned on to the main road into town. I’d started to feel really nervous so to calm myself down, I opened my Hula Hoops and pressed my finger into the dust. Erin could take away my existence, my privacy, and cause dark magical forces to awaken, but she couldn’t take away my crisps. ‘So what were you and Frankie chatting about? When I left it looked like you were having a deep and meaningful.’
‘Nah.’ Erin had to shout over the noise of the cars. ‘We were just working through plans. I’ve drawn up a rota for prop production, set design and rehearsals and wanted to walk her through it.’
I couldn’t help but groan. I bet Frankie loved that.
Erin rolled her eyes. Well, mine, which made it even ruder.
‘Lil, please. Frankie’s not a big deal.’ No, she was the biggest. ‘You just have to stand up to her, be her equal, that’s all.’
‘That’s your opinion.’ Today might have gone okay for Erin, but if she understood how much of a misery Frankie had made my life this term, she wouldn’t be saying that. ‘So did Frankie like the plan?’ I had a feeling I knew what the answer would be.
‘I think so.’ Erin smiled. ‘She kept calling me mini Mrs Saddler which was cool.’ I sighed. If Erin was so clever, why couldn’t she see this was just giving Frankie even more ammunition? Tomorrow morning when I was back in the right body, I was going to have to tell Frankie it was all a big joke. ‘Oh.’ We stopped to wait to cross over the roundabout. ‘I also suggested Mrs Saddler schedule some lunchtime sessions to give the backstage crew a refresher on safety practices.’ Wow, my sister had found a lunchtime activity worse than Les Quizerables? My last shred of hope that I could repair things with Frankie wilted and died.
But my phone buzzed.
Micha: Back.
Phew. Mich always cheered life up.
Micha: You know that time you asked Mr Sharma why you could catch a cold but not a hot?
I did.
Micha: To confirm, what you said in English genuinely outdid it.
It did?! Was I meant to have a clue what she meant?
Me: Hahahha yes
Me: Also what exactly are you talking about?
Mich:
I waited.
Micha: Asking Mrs S to stop playing the Romeo and Juliet film so we could study the ‘classic text’ instead.
I DID WHAT?! My frustration with my sister finally bubbled over. Well, more exploded like Mentos in Coke.
‘Erin, could you not have tried a bit harder?!’ I wasn’t shouting. But I wasn’t not-shouting either. ‘To not ruin everything?’ Or at least not undo all the hard work I’d done over the years of trying to pretend I was normal. ‘Classic text, Erin?? CLASSIC TEXT???’
She looked at me innocently.
‘You’re making a big deal out of nothing.’
‘No, you’re making a small deal out of everything!’
Neither of us spoke the rest of the way. When we got to the railway arches, I sprinted past the coffee shop, straight towards The Hairy Godmother. I’d never been happier to see a hairdresser’s in my life.
I honestly couldn’t take another second of being my sister. Of her being me. Of all of it.
And – relief! – it was open!
I pushed the door open and ran in.
‘AGATHAAAA!’ My voice echoed round the empty room. Good. She didn’t have a client which meant she could help. ‘HAAAIRRRY GODMOOOTHHHERRRRR? We need your help. It’s time to –’ I dropped my voice a little – ‘swapusback!’
I said it quickly in case anyone else could hear.
‘One second!’ she called back.
Phew x infinity.
I instantly felt a weight lift. This nightmare was almost over. An old woman shuffled out of the back room where we’d had our hair washed.
‘Hello, missy. Did you say it’s Agatha you’re after?’
‘Yeah,’ I panted. ‘And it’s kind of urgent.’ I heard Erin come in the door. Better late than never. But she marched straight over to me and grabbed my arm. Couldn’t she see I was busy with the nice old lady?
‘Well, that might be tricky.’ The lady smiled. ‘This shop’s been empty for years.’
‘No…’ I started to say but faded out as I looked around.
What?
The.
Hairy heck?!
Then I realized why Erin’s fingers were so tight around my arm. My blood – well Erin’s blood – ran cold.
It had all gone.
Every trace of The Hairy Godmother.
The chairs. The mirrors. The desk. Everything. And in their places were old packing boxes, covered in thick dust.
The only things still h
ere from last night were the frames on the wall, although the pictures in them now looked faded and old.
The lady’s kind face wrinkled with worry. ‘I’m afraid I don’t know any Agathas. None at all. So I hope you didn’t need her for anything too important?’
Oh no, nothing important.
Only the small matter of getting my body back… and evicting Erin out of mine before she ruined everything.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
My first thought when I opened my eyes:
Thank goodness for breakfast, or there would be no reason to ever leave bed.
The second:
Why is my room freakishly tidy and why is my alarm going off at 6.15 a.m.?
Ugh. The reality hit me like a netball in the face.
This wasn’t my room.
And I was waking up early to memorize the lines Erin needed to learn. Because I needed to be word perfect by the second play rehearsal this evening. Because I was still stuck being her.
It had been a day and a half since we’d tried and failed to find Agatha, and with Erin busy doing my punishment chores (which, tbh, was the only thing I could really enjoy about this whole thing, especially as in a beautiful twist of fate she had actually ended up de-fluffing Dad’s socks), and me busy trying to learn her lines and write new blog posts to impress Nic, we’d both been out of ideas and out of leads. Agatha’s disappearance had made Erin think that the answer wasn’t about finding her, while I was convinced the Hairy Godmother was the only person who could fix this.
I rubbed my eyes, trying to wake up. I had to get up. It wasn’t just Erin’s lines that depended on it. I needed to use the school computer room before registration to look for clues to help track down the Hairy Godmother. Erin said I was wasting my time, as apparently she’d ‘already looked at over eighty per cent of the internet and found nothing’, but I had to do something.
Micha: Sersly Lils. Should I ask my mum if this is legal? There MUST be a limit to how much chore-age is allowed in a day!?!!
Ding ding ding. My guilt-o-meter maxed out. I closed my phone, without replying. My reply rate to Micha was normally around 1.5 seconds, but these last couple of days it had been around the five-minute mark.
I’d asked Erin to avoid Micha where possible, which sucked, but I figured the damage of what Erin might say was worse than a temporary disappearance. So not only had I been exaggerating my chores to Mich, I’d laid it on even thicker, saying that, along with my backstage duties, Mrs Saddler had asked the teachers to report back about my behaviour in lessons. Which meant no chatting, no notes and definitely no plaiting my hair together with Micha’s and seeing if we could get away with it.
Micha and I were always honest with each other, which is probably why she didn’t question my terrible excuses. But it only made me feel even worse. Being with Micha was like eating toast. There was just no point in a day without it. Especially when she was having a rubbish time. Erin had told me Micha hadn’t got good marks in the chemistry homework yesterday, so she was probably fretting more than ever about being put down a set, especially with the football tournament looming this Sunday. I’d promised I’d be there to cheer her on, help show the scouts she already had fans, so I had to be back in my right body by then.
I was desperate to hang out with Micha like normal. All my thoughts that I could share with her and no one else were building up and in serious danger of popping out in front of anyone.
Is cereal soup?
Did the bruise on my leg from running into the door look a bit like Chase Cheney’s gran?
Who invented garden gnomes?
My phone buzzed across my pillow, snapping me out of gnome thoughts.
Micha: oh and your new post? BEST YET.
She’d sent a screengrab: ‘Ten Ways Having a Sister Makes You Want to Lick Biscuits Just so She Can’t Eat Them’. I’d spent all night putting the finishing touches to it. I just hoped it made Nic laugh too.
Micha: MY BEST FRIED IS A GEEEEENIUS. Nic will it!!!
I hoped she meant ‘friend’.
Me: has anyone ever told you YOU’RE THE BEST?
I meant it. I’d only posted it seven minutes ago, but Micha had alerts set up. I just wished there was a way I could properly talk to her… Although… A most cunning plan came to me! I got my phone back out.
Me: I reckon I can sneak out for lunch. Want to meet 1pm? In the usual?? Although be warned my sister will be there
I sent her a porcupine dancing GIF which summed up how I’d feel if I got to see her. Erin didn’t need to know. We’d agreed to meet at lunch to debrief on any swapping-back progress, so as long as she stuck to our plan to meet at the same time and same place I’d just told Micha, life would be gooooood. Maybe Micha was right, maybe I was a genius! And I didn’t stop genius-ing. Because I had another idea. Why learn the lines for tonight when I could scribble them in tiny writing on the inside of my wrists and get an extra hour’s sleep instead?
Which turned out to be a lifesaver as when I woke back up and eventually went downstairs, I needed all the mental strength I could muster to deal with what greeted me in the kitchen.
Dad. Lunging. In Lycra.
And Mum totally ignoring the whole thing, eating some granola.
‘Morning, Erin.’ Mum squinted as if she were being asked to identify a rare six-legged hairy creature. And I was it. ‘I really thought it was only your sister I needed to remind what a mirror was.’ She had a point. After my extra-snooze I’d had to get ready super quickly, and all Erin’s stuff was in weird places, like hung up in the wardrobe and folded in drawers. I tucked my shirt in to try and be more Erin. Out of everything, being around our parents was the hardest thing of this whole swap. I needed to switch Mum’s focus to something else.
‘Sorry, Mum, but how are you talking about what I look like when that’s –’ I nodded towards Dad – ‘happening?’
Dad looked up at me from between his legs. ‘Where your focus goes, Erin, your energy flows.’ I couldn’t help notice his socks were incredibly smooth. Good job, sister. ‘It’s my first Circus Skills class tonight.’
‘I see.’ I didn’t. ‘And what exactly does this mean?’
‘It means –’ Mum took a calm sip of her tea – ‘your father is going to be spinning from the ceiling on ropes. And doing things with hula-hoops that I don’t think a man who can’t touch his toes should.’
Dad tutted as he tried to cross his legs over one another. ‘Y’know, when you work in the fast-moving world of concrete it’s not just your mind that needs to keep nimble.’
I thought concrete didn’t move – wasn’t that the point?
‘Well –’ Mum bent down and unhooked one of his feet that was already stuck – ‘please keep all limbs functioning till tomorrow night. We’re going bowling for Lily’s birthday, remember?’
I loved birthdays. And Mum and Dad had made a special effort with this one after I’d missed out on Chase Cheney tickets.
‘CANNOT WAIT!’ I poured my cereal (or was it breakfast soup?!) into the bowl. ‘I can’t believe we got the UV lanes!’ They were the Friday-night, once-a-month special. ‘It’s going to be st-unning!’ Afterwards we were going to Slice, Ice, Baby! for unlimited pizza and ice cream. ‘Dreeeeam city!’ I was almost dribbling at the thought. ‘That caramel sauceio better be ready for me!’
As the last of my Coco Pops hit the bowl, the ‘plip’ ringing round the silent room, I realized what I’d done. Got so excited about my birthday, I’d forgotten I was in Erin’s body.
Mum was staring at me, confused. Considering Dad was on the floor next to me trying to get a foot behind his head that must mean I really was being weird.
‘But I thought you said you couldn’t come because of a rehearsal?’
‘I did… yes.’ Well, Erin did, but that was before the swap. And even though we should be back in the right bodies by this weekend, surely my sister wouldn’t mind a backup plan so I didn’t risk missing my own birthday? ‘However, on reflection… L
ily is such a great sister. The best actually. So I will come after all. I’ll just ask Mrs Saddler to be excused a bit early.’
Would Erin suggesting she leave something school-related early ring alarm bells? Mum had already asked if everything was okay last night when I’d switched off University Challenge to watch World’s Funniest Dogs instead.
But luckily Mum smiled.
‘Well, that will be lovely.’ Wow, being my sister was really easy. Everyone was pleased with me all the time. ‘I’m sure she’ll say yes if you explain. Lily will be delighted.’
‘About what?’ My sister walked in, looking a total nerd-fest. I’d given up trying to make her look normal. When Micha had messaged saying she thought my new super-smart look was a ‘brave act of sticking it to Frankie and her cool friends’, I’d replied with a crying laughing face. Only the crying bit was true.
‘Your birthday plans…’ Dad answered from a position that looked like ‘human pretzel’. Erin wrinkled her nose in confusion – before realizing they meant my birthday. Your sister’s coming after all.’
‘She is?’ My sister shot me a major evil. ‘But don’t you want to be there for the ENTIRE rehearsal, Erin? Every last IMPORTANT second?’
I poured the oat milk on my cereal. ‘Kind of you to care so much, but… no, I’d rather be there to bowl with you. Those UV lanes are hard to book.’
If Erin were a cartoon, smoke would be coming out of her nose.
Dad sat up. ‘Well, I say –’ he pulled an imaginary cord – ‘ding-dong to full steam ahead on a family trip.’ He scrambled to his feet. ‘The Mavers engine is stoked – next stop Fun City. And…’ He stopped to catch his breath. ‘Erin, if you need a hand getting –’ he winked entirely unsubtly – ‘Lily’s present, let’s chat tonight.’
Of course! I’d be getting myself a present! Result! Erin’s presents for me usually involved books – that she wanted to read. Or nice bath stuff – that she’d use up.