by Beth Garrod
My yelp silenced the table, again, so I looked at Dad for some help. Rookie error. I should have remembered freestyle Dad wasn’t safe territory. Especially not after a bump on his head. ‘So, er…’ Uh-oh. ‘Talking of terrible losses –’ said no one ever – ‘Micha, how are things at football? Lily told me all about it.’ I almost spat out my pizza. I definitely hadn’t – my sister must have been blabbing. Didn’t she understand the rule was to tell parents nothing?! ‘I hear it’s been a bit tense with the whole chemistry thing, but worry not.’ He lifted up his fingers and crossed them. ‘YOYO.’
I guessed he meant YOLO. Not that that made sense either.
I swallowed my pizza with a sense of dread. Micha was going to think I’d broken her trust. Blabbed her secret! I studied her face – was she mad at me? She’d have every right to be.
‘YOYO indeed, Mr Mavers.’ To my massive relief Mich smiled at Dad and didn’t give my sister evil looks. ‘I really think I could get picked for the youth team, so I’m just going to have to pull an Erin and ace my next chemistry test.’ Her breezy voice was playing this down. I knew it was for our benefit not hers. Or was it so they wouldn’t say anything to her parents? ‘It’s kind of lucky really that Lily’s tied up with all those chores. All that early morning mowing –’ which I’d definitely invented, and judging my mum’s and dad’s looks to each other, they’d realized as much – ‘means loads of time for me to work on Mr Sharma’s extra assignment.’ Assignment? I knew about the exam, but he’d set her extra work too?
Eurgh. I hated being an outsider on my best friend’s life. Normally I knew every single detail of it – Mich once rang me when her pencil sharpening looked like Chase Cheney’s nose.
But something had caught my attention. Or someone.
And they were waving.
Frankie. And her entire cheerleader squad.
My stomach dropped so hard that, for the first time in my life, I doubted I could finish my pizza.
What were they doing here?! Other than eating delicious pepperoni slices that should be miiine?!
I waved back with as much of a smile as I could force.
My sister was waving too, which surprised Micha so much she looked as if she’d just bitten into an olive and discovered it was an eyeball.
‘Is that… Frankie?’ Erin turned back to the table, grinning. ‘Cooool.’
Cool?! It was so uncool, it was boiling hot! Why wouldn’t Erin trust me about what Frankie was really like?
‘That’s who I’m doing backstage with…’
Mum and Dad exchanged looks, figuring out that also meant the one whose phone I broke, and who I moaned about at least three times a week.
Erin flicked her perfect plaits over her shoulder. ‘And she’s coming over…’
Well, this was going to be a disaster. Frankie didn’t need any family-based ammunition to make my life more hell.
‘Be normal. Please,’ I hissed in my parents’ direction, but Dad was smoothing his princess plaster and Mum was trying to calm down a woman who had just discovered a greasy pizza cutter in her bag, so the chances were low.
‘Oh heyyyy.’ Frankie waved, her cheer-friends traipsing behind her. ‘Looks like I owe someone a happy birthday?’ Frankie twiddled the balloon Micha had tied to my sister’s chair. What did she want? I knew for a fact she didn’t want any birthday of mine to be happy. Or any non-birthday either.
Erin swivelled and smiled at Frankie, making sure she caught my eye. I knew exactly what she was trying to prove. And to be honest a tiny bit of me wondered if Erin was right as usual. Maybe Frankie wasn’t that bad. Maybe I was overreacting? It just really did feel like whenever I’d tried to be nice to her this term she’d thrown it back in my face. Or posted my life fails on the internet.
As my sister and Frankie hugged, Micha watched open-mouthed, as if an actual zombie were feasting on her best friend’s brains.
Right. That was it.
If anything made me extra determined to track down Agatha before the deadline tomorrow, it was this. I needed no more weird things to happen with my best friend before Erin damaged them beyond repair.
Everyone started making small talk except Micha, who was in the fast-blinking stage of shock, but I needed Frankie to clear the Mavers zone immediately. Why were my parents (the traitors) laughing so much at what she was saying?!
Ben leant over. ‘Frankie… I’ve heard that name before, haven’t I?’ Trust him to not remember, considering I’d mentioned it at least one million times. ‘Oh!’ He clicked his fingers. ‘Isn’t that the one your sister’s always going on about?’
I shrugged. ‘Talking a reasonable and justified amount about – yes, I think so.’
‘I thought she said Frankie hated her?’ And for the first and only time in my life, I wanted to hug him. ‘Although no… That was it! You said it was just Lily being dramatic.’
My momentary bubble of affection I had towards Ben and his overly fragile limbs popped. But Frankie was wrapping up to leave.
‘I’ll head then. Leave you to enjoy Lily’s bday. XOXO and all that.’ Wow, Frankie was such a parent charmer. ‘I’d offer to take a photo of you all together –’ she paused – ‘especially as I’m lovvving that plaster, Mr Mavers, so on trend.’ My dad beamed as if it were a genuine compliment. ‘But… my phone doesn’t work so well since, y’know…’
So that was why she’d come over. To use my birthday meal to remind my family about the incident. Nice.
‘And Lily is very sorry about that,’ Mum said.
Frankie tossed her hair. ‘Don’t worry. Water under the bridge, right?’ She squeezed my sister’s shoulder. ‘So happy bday, backstage buddy! Let’s hope Mrs Saddler doesn’t give you more detentions as a present.’ She winked. ‘Better not miss any more rehearsals, right?’
I found myself growling into my straw. As Frankie walked away, my parents asked what she meant, and Erin said there had been a mix-up which wasn’t anyone’s fault (Micha was still shock-blinking). How could no one see what she’s up to?!
But in her hurry, something dropped out of Frankie’s pocket. I picked it up when I went for a pizza refill. Her library card. I could give it back to her at the next rehearsal – I wasn’t risking any more interaction with her today.
I chewed in silence, checking my phone as an excuse not to talk to anyone. But there was a name in my DMs I wasn’t expecting.
Nic: Happy birthday Lil.
Wow – Nic had never messaged me before. This was a birthday present in itself!
Nic: Let’s celebrate on Weds – by draining you of all your ideas haha
My stomach lurched like a pirate ship at a theme park. I loved that she’d remembered my birthday – and hated that my only chance to impress her was in the hands of my sister, live and direct from the lion’s den of Frankie’s house.
Nic: Oh – did you say you liked Chase Cheney?
Sorry, what?! I almost choked on a dough ball. Why was Nic asking? Was it something to do with his gigs?! The first one was tonight, and she’d given her backstage passes for tomorrow, his last performance, to her sister, but if she could help me get in, I would willingly never eat pepperoni pizza again.
How to answer?
Me: HE’S GOD’S GIFT TO BOTH EYES AND EARS. MAYBE EVEN NOSES.
No, Lil. Remember who you are talking to. Nic. The coolest girl in school. I emergency deleted.
Me: Yeah, his music’s all right. Why?
Nic replied straight away. She was so cool that even replying without a gap was still somehow aloof.
Nic: Tell you at the meet.
‘Everything okay?’ Ben leant over. I could not let him see my phone, he’d have too many questions. Probably starting with, ‘Why do you have a picture of Micha holding a miniature hamburger as your wallpaper?’
Although… maybe this was an opportunity…
‘Just getting some difficult yet satisfying quiz questions through from Les Quizerables. Mmmm. Heaven.’ I’d discovered the easiest
way of being a convincing Erin was to say the opposite of what I really thought. Ben nodded, confirming my fear that this was a totally reasonable thing my sister would do on a Friday night. But I’d had an idea. ‘Don’t suppose you know where this is from?’ I opened up the picture of the frame at The Hairy Godmother, the photo of the stone sculpture filling my screen. ‘I think it’s local…’
Well, I hoped it was. Ben took my phone out of my hands. Please don’t let him notice the cover is plastered with stickers of skateboarding penguins in hats!
‘Hmmmmm.’ He zoomed in. If he could tell me then maybe I’d forgive him for his arm and foot bones being so easily breakable. ‘It does ring a bell.’ He laughed to himself. ‘Toll, the old clapper…’ I felt a fizz of excitement. ‘Yes, that’s it!’ Ben paused.
I held my breath.
This was it!
The best birthday present ever – my first real chance out of this mess.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
‘It is…’ Ben turned the screen, pleased with himself… ‘a wonderful example of sculpture in architecture!’ Is that it?! ‘Greek gods maybe?’ He’d better have more! ‘Well, goddesses.’ He doesn’t have more.
He nodded, happy. I tried not to face plant into my veggie deluxe. ‘Top notch quiz question!’
I felt like a birthday balloon. That had been popped. Then melted. Then put in a blender. ‘In fact…’ He got his phone out and opened up YouTube. ‘I saw a really interesting video about the origins of stone carving the other day – I meant to send it to you.’
Uh and indeed oh. I had a horrible feeling where this was going.
He typed in my sister’s name and pressed share. ‘Incooooming!’
He stared at my screen, but nothing arrived – due to the fact I was merely a girlfriend imposter.
‘Reception, huh…’ Could I bluff my way out of this?
‘Weird.’ He shook his phone. ‘And when did your screen get so smashed?’ Erin would never have let her phone get as bashed as mine.
I shrugged again. ‘Oh, you know… life. And don’t worry about sending the video – you can just… describe it?’ Said no one ever.
‘It’s okay, it says delivered.’
Desperate situation alert.
I flung my arm out and pointed to the salad bar. ‘IS THAT WOMAN PUTTING DOUGH BALLS UP HER CARDIGAN?!’
Ben spun round – well, more of an awkward twist considering he couldn’t move one leg. I jammed my thumb down on my phone’s power button. When he turned back, I was holding up a blank screen.
‘Weird, huh. My battery is so unpredictable.’
‘But it was on sixty-four per cent.’ Ben was definitely starting to look as if this evening was getting a bit much. And we hadn’t even had pudding yet.
But I had to be careful – Erin would kill me if Ben split up with her. So to smooth things over I asked about his latest Castles! Chaos! Cows! strategy, meaning I could finish off my food. His detailed description lasted all five remaining slices. As the plates got cleared one of the waiters caught my eye and waved. This must be the moment! The surprise birthday singing.
My hope had been that, as an extra birthday treat, Erin would die of shock, or embarrassment, or maybe both, but now that Frankie was here, I wanted it to be as low-key and quick as possible.
The staff lit the sparklers as the lights went down. Well, all except one. A spotlight on Erin. I was sure they didn’t use to do that!
My stomach churned. This wasn’t exactly the ‘getting away without Frankie noticing’ discreet situation I was hoping for.
The whole place had gone silent. Except for the loud whoosh of the sparklers which had clearly been upgraded to some kind of military explosive.
‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU…’ the staff belted out. It was so loud it sounded like a thirty-person opera! Erin realized what was happening, and instantly went redder than her ‘I I Slogans’ T-shirt (that she’d worn despite my pleas). The circle of eight staff grouped behind her – arms waving in the air as they sang, the whole restaurant joining in behind them.
Please let this be the moment Frankie had decided to go for a wee. A really long wee. My family weren’t helping the whole ‘don’t make this mortifying’ thing either. Dad was on his feet clapping (saying ‘ow’ every time he did) and Mum was filming with the world’s brightest flash. Micha was dinging her spoon on a glass while she sang and Ben was using his good foot to drum on the mayonnaise tub. It was surprisingly bassy.
But none of them would be smiling if they could see what I could.
Because the staff had freestyled with Erin’s birthday surprise.
Freestyled with the pudding on the plate.
I tried to catch Mum’s or Dad’s eye as it advanced towards Erin.
As the banana split moved in.
My sister had to be warned! I hadn’t seen her in the same room as a peeled banana since I was six – when she’d jumped out of Grandad’s window and had fallen in a compost heap.
But I couldn’t even hear myself think above the singing and clapping.
‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU.’
To other customers this was just two bananas, some delicious ice cream between them. But to my sister this was her nemesis.
‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LI-LY…’
One of the staff added, ‘WHO IS NUMBER TWELVE ON THE MEGA BOWL WALL OF FAME.’ But I didn’t have time to be proud. I only had time to panic.
I flapped my arms, trying to stop this whole thing, but everyone just thought I was dancing. Ben even copied me, flinging his arms around with a big grin on his face.
But I was too late.
They put the plate down in front of Erin.
And for a moment our table was still.
Erin lit up in the spotlight.
Around her the whole place on their feet watching with excitement.
They say being confronted with a fear can help you get over it.
But as Erin leapt back from the table, screaming, ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ pushing the bowl away so hard it flew through the air (causing one of the bananas to join the pizza cutter in the old lady’s bag), I wasn’t sure I’d define her reaction as ‘over it’.
The singing stopped abruptly. I could almost guarantee they’d never had this reaction to a dessert before.
The lights flicked on, hundreds of shocked faces suddenly visible.
My sister was now standing on her chair. The firework sparklers were still exploding up to the ceiling.
Everyone was in stunned silence.
Everyone except Erin who was yelling, ‘BANANAAAAAA!’ at the top of her voice. Well, mine.
And Dad who accidentally pulled his party popper. And then said, ‘Ow.’
Erin looked at me, panicked. But how could I help? Couldn’t she just not freak out about a fruit when she was in my body? Or at least get a semi-normal phobia like buttons or clowns?
Something touched my shoulder. I was so on edge that I screamed.
Argh! It was Ben’s hand! Surely that was worse than a banana?!
‘Are you okay?’ Oh no. Ohnoohnoohno!
I suddenly understood his concern. He thought I was the one with the phobia – and here I was mere centimetres away from Erin’s yellow nemesis. I looked across the table – at least my sister was climbing down from her chair. Oh no – now she was holding the chair in front of her as if the remaining banana could attack at any moment.
This was mortifying.
I had to do something.
I grabbed my glass. And with my knife hit the edge.
DING.
Well, here went nothing. Well, nothing but trying to stop the person hundreds of people thought was me stop loudly repeating, ‘Bananabananabanana!’
DING, DING.
Everyone turned to look at me.
GULP.
I raised my glass.
‘Ten out of ten, Lily.’ I cleared my throat. ‘Great impression of me there. Of course everyone knows it’s me, ERIN, who’s y’know –’ I didn
’t want to say this, whatever body I was in – ‘terrified of bananas.’ Weirdest birthday speech ever. ‘Oooh, look at it.’ I recoiled back in fake fear. ‘It’s just so…’ I had no idea what made them scary. ‘Yellow! And smells so much of…’ I had nothing. ‘Banana!’ Were the staff backing away? ‘So, er, yes, Lily. A lovely birthday performance there to try to take the pressure off me. Inspired. So why don’t you put down that chair, open your eyes, and we can celebrate your birthday! Here’s to Lily! Who is actually, to be clear, very, very normal. Happy birthday, little sister!’
Mum and Dad were looking at me with a mixture of maybe pride and definitely confusion. As Dad moved the rest of the banana split into the middle of the table I said, ‘Please no. Too soon,’ for good measure. Everyone else in the restaurant half-clapped in a very similar way to when Mrs Saddler announced that we were going to make next week’s final rehearsals even longer to ‘let the magic shine’. But that’s when I heard the laugh. Frankie’s laugh. And I realized she was filming the whole thing. G-reat. And when I caught her eye she just blew me a kiss. Surely that was the icing on the worst-ever-birthday cake?
But no. There were some extra-terrible cherries on top yet to come.
After all the standing Ben’s foot had gone the colour of Mum’s car, so he finally agreed to go to A & E, and as his loving girlfriend I had to ditch the unlimited ice-cream factory (aka frozen heaven) and go with him.
Farewell sweet dessertio.
It was a quiet car ride even with Ben’s sporadic whimpers of pain and Dad asking again exactly how it happened (and saying something under his breath that sounded a lot like, ‘But this kind of thing normally happens to your sister.’). The journey was taking forever, the traffic jammed in all directions because of the Chase Cheney concert.
The concert I was desperate to be at.
Happy birthday, me.
As the car crawled along past the Artemis and Athena Arena, Ben started tapping on the window. Really tapping.