Punishments can range from psychological to physical.
Leaders sexually abuse minors and other followers.
You are expected to commit crimes with or on behalf of the group.
Mental health treatment is shunned.
If you leave the designated buildings or compound for any reason, you are followed or chaperoned.
A good opportunity for you (a new job, for example) is seen as a threat.
Your family is told to shun you (cease all communication) if you leave.
You are stalked and harassed if you leave.
As you can see, many of these behaviors are what gaslighters do. There is coercion and manipulation of others; manipulating for personal gain; emotional, physical, and sexual abuse; and fostering dependency, among others. You may find similarities between these behaviors and those of gaslighters who abuse their partners, as you read about in Chapter 5.
Contrast the preceding list with healthy communities, organizations, or belief systems, where:
You are not only allowed to ask questions, you are encouraged.
You are free to leave at any time.
Your children stay with you.
The parent-child bond is respected and encouraged.
There is an administrative body that provides “checks and balances.”
There are reasonable tenets to the religion.
You are not asked to break laws.
Healthy family relationships are encouraged.
You are given guidelines, but not punishments.
Mental health treatment is encouraged for depression and anxiety.
There is a clear accounting of funds.
While there may be a sponsored school, you are not forced to have your child attend, nor are you punished.
Keep in mind that any belief system can become a cult if the dogma becomes inflexible over time, there are punishments for “disobedience,” there’s an “us vs. them” worldview, and there are consequences for questioning leadership.
CHARACTERISTICS OF CULTS
They Use the First Amendment as a Defense
In the United States, things are not so different. If “outsiders” try to criticize a specific group, they will often be called “un-American” for trying to curtail people’s “freedom” or be accused of being “against the First Amendment” by trying to suppress “the free practice of religion.” You’ll recall that the First Amendment grants people the right to the free practice of a religion, to free speech, and to assemble peacefully. Dangerous closed groups will hide behind the First Amendment, because as a society, Americans tend not to want to challenge people’s constitutional rights. The First Amendment does not apply to groups who are psychologically abusing others and holding them against their will, but that doesn’t keep cults or extremist groups from trying.
They Offer Exclusivity
Closed groups also gaslight followers by telling them that there is esoteric knowledge that only the cult possesses. They trade in promoting scarcity. Group leaders will add to the mystique by promising that as you rise up through the levels of the cult, you will become more enlightened. It should be noted that one doesn’t rise up through those levels easily. It takes an unrealistic amount of time and energy—and in many cases, a large amount of money—to reach the “enlightened” stage.
Scarcity causes people to think only of their own desires and not of the greater good of a community. In a cult, the leader may tell followers that only so many people get to a particular stage of enlightenment—such as that the afterlife has only so many spots for “true believers.” The more time you devote to reaching this state of enlightenment, the better your chances of beating other people to it. Interesting how that works. More time, energy, devotion, and money to the group, the more “special” you become. Does that sound like a good deal to you?
“We were taught that we were the only ones that knew the way to true happiness. But no one really knew how to get there. I was told that I hadn’t done enough ‘tithing’ to get to that place.”
—Marisol, 52
If a leader truly had the answer to the meaning of life and knew how to become enlightened, you’d think he’d want to share this information with everyone. Healthy organizations operate from an idea of abundance; they want others to be happy, whatever path they choose. In closed groups, a scarcity mentality is used as a way to punish and control.
In legitimate religions, not only is there a notion of abundance but a system of checks and balances to make sure one person doesn’t become all-powerful. Of course the lines aren’t always so clear. Your best bet here, as in all situations where you think you might be dealing with gaslighters, is to go with your gut—if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
They Reinforce “Us Versus Them”
As we’ve been seeing in each chapter, gaslighters thrive on isolating their victims from others. They convince their victims that they are the only ones who care, and no one “out there” has the victim’s best interests in mind. With closed groups, members will start dropping their contact with the outside world, and very quickly they are relying on people within the group exclusively for emotional and financial support. These groups further this isolation along by portraying outsiders as “sinners,” “ungodly,” or dangerous. This fosters fear, and ensures that people stay within the literal or metaphorical walls of the group.
“I was raised that everyone outside my church was evil, and we were the only good ones. Everything was a war between us and the outside world. If we questioned our preacher, we were punished.”
—Zamora, 28
They Use Jargon and “Special Words”
Cults will often reinforce exclusivity by using made up words and language, or they come up with different definitions for words from what they commonly mean. It’s another way they reinforce an “us vs. them” mentality. One red flag that you are dealing with a cult is if you ask a cult member what a word means, and the person can’t tell you, or refuses to explain it. This insider jargon is part of a strategy to make members feel that they are much more “enlightened” and intelligent than the rest of us.
“When I got out, I had to learn how to talk like a regular person. I didn’t realize how many words I used that were just part of my church.”
—Loretta, 43
They Expect Public Professions of Loyalty
Gaslighters use social consistency to their advantage. Cults, for example, commonly have members profess their loyalty in front of as many other members as possible. When you announce to a hundred people that you will be faithful to the group and its leader, you are making a social contract with everyone in that room. Gaslighters know that people don’t like to be seen as inconsistent, and will use these public demonstrations as often as possible to cement loyalty.
“I tried to run away, and as punishment I was brought in front of all the elders and made to recite the rules, and repeat back what my punishment would be if I tried to leave again. I had to repeat back that the only way to a godly life was through the church.”
—Ramona, 48
They Won’t Answer Questions Directly
Evading questions is another hallmark of gaslighters. Ask anyone who has ever tried, as a noncult member, to ask a cult leader what goes on within the group, and you’ll discover that such questions are never answered. People are told that they just wouldn’t “get it,” meaning they aren’t as smart or enlightened as those in the cult, or that only members may be party to such information, or their questions are answered by questions thrown right back at them. Dare to question the group’s beliefs while you are a member and you will be punished for questioning. Ask a leader a question about the legitimacy of the cult, and you may well be told you are violating human and constitutional rights.
They Force You to Marry Within the Cult and to Have Kids
Leaders will encourage (or force) members to marry within the group. This ensures both members’ ties to the cult and decreases the chanc
e that they will leave. Furthermore, what better way to reinforce the group ideals than by having your spouse there to remind you of them? Further controlling your personal life, most cults will pressure you to have children to increase their numbers. If you do have kids, the group may take your children away so they can be indoctrinated. A child born into a cult is highly unlikely to leave the cult.
“My minister told my now-wife and I that we were getting married. I didn’t even really know her very well. People at my church weren’t even allowed to date. I never questioned it because I was taught my minister was always right.”
—Jason, 40
They Engage in Brainwashing and Foster Stockholm Syndrome
Cults will carefully dismantle your belief structure through gaslighting and coercion, and replace your beliefs with theirs. They need you not to think freely for yourself. Sometimes this is referred to as programming, and it can take years to “unprogram” yourself from the thought and belief structure of a cult. This phenomenon of hostages developing sympathetic feelings or attachments to their captors is called Stockholm syndrome. People with Stockholm syndrome often don’t want to leave their captors, even if given the chance.
“It has taken me a long time to be able to do things that are normal for everyone else but outside of the church’s rules, and not feel really uncomfortable about it.”
—Jeannette, 45
Members of cults are a lot like hostages and can suffer from this as well, due to the ways they are psychologically manipulated into feeling bound to the cult—through fear and punishment. It is much like an abusive relationship, which you can read more about in Chapter 5.
They Won’t Allow You to Leave
As with all gaslighting relationships, cults do not always seem very cultish at first. And then, by the time you realize you need to get out, it is usually too late. Cults will use extreme measures to keep members from leaving. Some cults have even been known to threaten to get family members of cult members deported if the member tries to leave. Some will hold passports hostage so followers can’t leave. Some cults will physically stop people from leaving.
Cult Leaders Don’t Live by Their Own Rules
The rules are strict and the punishments severe, but don’t expect leaders to live by the same strictures. While followers may be told that they need to live a life of austerity, for instance, numerous cult leaders have been known to spend followers’ money on lavish lifestyles. They may tell followers that sex is not allowed outside of marriage, while they are having sex with multiple followers.
They Replace Your Values with Theirs
To belong to a cult, members often experience “cognitive dissonance.” They’ll realize that their own values and beliefs are in conflict with what they are being taught. Cults have methods of breaking people down and replacing their values and beliefs with the cult’s own.
When we are confronted with beliefs that are different from ours, we have several choices:
1. Ignore the new conflicting information.
2. Commit even further to our existing beliefs.
3. Avoid exposure to contradictory information.
4. Project our feelings of overwhelm onto others.
5. Absorb the contradictory information and change our existing beliefs.
6. Accept the contradictory information as it is and accept holding two different beliefs.
Of course, cults will try to get you to choose number 5. They’ll attempt to brainwash you, often through intimidation, telling you that your family and friends are worthless or “sinners,” and the cult (and only the cult) can offer you a way to reach a higher state as a human being. You will no longer be able to think for yourself. Individualism is stamped out. The cult becomes all-powerful and always right, with no room for “gray areas.”
They Prey on Our Desire to Belong
People with personal difficulties and difficult histories tend to be the most vulnerable to the promise of feeling complete and healed and taken care of, and cult leaders can smell this from a mile away. Cult leaders prey on feelings of outsiderhood and in fact often isolate people so they will be less and less likely to reenter, or even be interested in reentering, mainstream society. If you are lost and need a metaphorical compass to follow, cults provide that. At a very steep price.
In many cases, cults present themselves as helpers to lure potential members, who will then be “groomed” into a relationship with a cult member, ideally the cult leader. Once a new recruit forms a relationship with a cult member, especially the leader, it is much more likely they will stick around. And get indoctrinated.
They Scam Members Out of Money
Cults will also take your money and then not use it as they said they would. If you attempt to ask for proof of where it went, you will be accused of being a blasphemer or threatened with excommunication. Giving over your money is often a requirement of membership. In fact, some cults will tell you that you can’t advance to the next stage of development or enlightenment until you pay a certain amount of money as a sign of your loyalty.
They Engage in Forced Labor and Human Trafficking
Many cults also engage in human trafficking. Human trafficking has been referred to as modern-day slavery, and there are an estimated 20.9 million victims in the world, with 90 percent in forced labor and 22 percent in forced sexual exploitation, and 5.5 million are children (International Labour Organization 2012). Labor trafficking consists of bonded labor, forced labor, and child labor.
“They took my passport. There was no way for me to get out. I was forced to work and beaten every day.”
—Ruby, 23
In bonded labor, a victim is forced to work off a debt. For example, cult members are given fliers and books to give out in their recruiting efforts. If they’re discovered not to have given out all their materials in a given day, the members are forced to do extra work to pay off their “debt.”
Forced labor is when a victim is forced to work under the threat of violence or other punishment.
Cults are also notorious for child labor, in which children are forced to work, including in unsafe conditions and at all hours of the day and night.
One might even say that cults are de facto human traffickers in that they don’t let members out of their sight, they punish members for not “obeying,” and cult leaders will claim that members owe debts to the cult (Boyle 2015). People are forced to stay in the cult through fear and punishment.
“I was told I had committed sins against God, and was forced to work in a labor camp to ‘redeem’ myself.”
—Niamh, 38
They Will Use Many Means to Destroy the Opposition
Cults are famously litigious, going after people that speak out against them, sometimes filing lawsuit after lawsuit against them—with the purpose of bankrupting them. Many times, the cults have succeeded in financially wiping out the people they see as opposition. They will also attack opponents through smear campaigns intended to incite fear and suffering, and decrease the chances of the person or entity speaking out against them again. It’s also a warning sign to anyone else who tries to defy the cult or call them out on their practices.
Another trademark of most cults is their ability to hunt down those who try to leave. The cult will make various attempts to come after you, if not physically, then through attacks on your credibility. This is what gaslighters do.
WHAT TO DO IF A LOVED ONE IS IN A CULT OR EXTREMIST GROUP?
If you have a family member in a cult or extremist group, please know that it is usually very, very difficult for followers to break free. They have been brainwashed into believing that the leader and the cult or group are the only ones who love them and care about their well-being, and they may resist all efforts of help. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying. You can ask law enforcement to do a “wellness check” on your loved one. Also consider contacting an attorney if you feel your loved one is no longer capable of handling her finances or other responsibilities.
Some mental health professionals will caution you to start small when contacting a family member in a cult. Do not initially challenge the cult’s beliefs and don’t expect long outings or meetings. Keep them short and manageable. As you start rebuilding rapport with her, visits and contact may grow, albeit slowly. Remember that progress is still progress, even if it is by just inches. Be careful not to make statements about how wrong the cult is or how it is hurting your family. This can cause your loved one to immediately withdraw or go into defense mode. Reconnecting your family will be a slow process. Mental health professionals can help you with how to approach her and possibly heal your relationship. Patience is key. You can learn more about counseling in Chapter 12.
It is important to educate yourself about gaslighting, cults, and extremist groups. Learn how these organizations operate, and how they lure in members. Also learn details about the cult or group your loved one has joined. The more you know, the more likely you will be able to educate her (and counteract cult brainwashing) during an intervention with her.
What starts the process of a person leaving a cult or extremist group? There are six main triggers, according to a 2017 study led by Kira Harris, PhD: social conflicts within the cult, a change in cult dynamics, having conflicting emotions about roles in the cult, the leadership of the cult not following cult rules or expectations, pressure from police, and family influence. So, family does play a role in a member leaving the cult. Also, presenting your loved one with such information as print or media articles or videos showing that a cult leader’s behavior is incongruent with cult rules can help initiate the process of leaving the cult.
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