“When my friend’s mother died, I brought over food, offered to watch her kids—but when my dad died, I never heard from her. Never even texted, much less called.”
—Sammy, 50
The best thing to do is to stop expecting gaslighters to be something they are not. They never will be able to empathize with you, or keep a confidence. Neither will they be supportive in your time of need, or be understanding if you are unable to help them at a particular time.
They Don’t Really Want a “Friend”
You’ll notice that gaslighters don’t want a friend as much as they want a pet. They’re looking for “friends” who will be dependent on them and cater to their every whim. Gaslighters don’t know how to form real friendships. You know a healthy friendship when you’re in one, but let’s take a closer look. A healthy friendship is based on:
Mutual respect
Mutual admiration
Being your authentic selves
Sharing mutual interests
Having similar values
“A friend of mine was always sweet and giving—until one time I told her I didn’t want to go shopping with her. It was like a monster took over. She sent me texts telling me what a bitch and loser I was.”
—Daria, 25
You share a sense of what’s important in life—love, commitment, caring, respect, diversity, and much more.
If you take a good look at your friendship with a gaslighter, you’ll see that it does not meet your core values of love, respect, and caring. This is because gaslighters don’t feel these things for other people. Remember, you can’t change other people’s values or how they treat you. If you find yourself in a “friendship” with a gaslighter, your only real choice is to end it.
Lack of Authenticity
Throughout this book, we’ve seen this quality of inauthenticity in gaslighters. They put on a show, acting the way they think they should act to get what they want. When you look at your most fulfilling friendships, I’m sure you notice that you can be yourself with these friends—there is no judgment. They accept you as you are and care about you as you are. As we’ve been seeing, this is not the case with gaslighters. Oh, they’ll start out being friendly—and charming and even generous—but then turn on you quickly. The person you thought you knew was not real.
“I saw something kind of scary—a friend of mine, who was being cordial with guests at her party, turned around and it was like a mask fell off. Her facial expression completely changed to something I had never seen before—total rage. This was more than just ‘I’m having a bad day and getting through this.’”
—Rose, 60
Gaslighters don’t have a solid grip on who they are as people. They lack what psychologists call an “integrated personality.” An integrated personality means that you have a good sense of who you are—you know your wants, your needs, and you have boundaries of what is healthy and unhealthy. Because of this lack of integrated personality, gaslighters lack the very capacity for being themselves with others—they aren’t sure what their “self” is like. When you try to be friends with gaslighters, things don’t seem to be quite real; they seem put on or fake. Without this basic authenticity, a healthy, intimate friendship simply isn’t possible.
“But I Don’t Want to Lose a Friend”
One of the tricks that gaslighters pull is to manipulate you into being dependent on them. You may feel that your world will fall apart when you no longer have a particular person to lean on. But think back on your friendship. Was the gaslighter really ever there for you when you needed her? Or did she have excuses for why she couldn’t help you, or listen to a concern?
You may be concerned that you will lose the friendship by setting boundaries with the gaslighter, and you probably will. The truth is, you never really had a friend in the gaslighter. What you saw was a carefully orchestrated act to make you think you did. But what I want you to know is this: Now that you know what to watch for and how to evaluate the health of your friendships, you are readier than ever to get out there and make new friends. Out of the billions of people in the world, there are plenty who would love to know you.
GASLIGHTING NEIGHBORS
At the beginning of this chapter we talked about how cutting ties with a gaslighting friend can be easier than cutting ties with a gaslighting family member. We get to choose our friends, however emotional and difficult it can be to navigate endings. But there are people in our lives aside from family members whom it’s not so easy to get away from. Namely, neighbors. Sometimes we have the unfortunate burden of living next to a gaslighter. As you read earlier, gaslighters are really good at hiding their true dysfunctional selves. It may take a while to realize what’s happening, but somehow the neighbor who was so sweet when you moved in has now become a nightmare.
If this sounds familiar, if you think your neighbor is a gaslighter, here are a few key tips: Do not disclose personal information to him or her. Also, do not entertain unwanted visits. Request that your neighbor call before stopping by. Be friendly but firm. Also, just because someone is at your door doesn’t mean you have to open it.
Gaslighting neighbors have all kinds of ways of haunting our lives. They may:
Infringe on your property line
Blatantly violate building codes
Be verbally aggressive when you walk by
Get in your personal space
Spread rumors in the neighborhood about you
Ask for favors and get angry if you say no
Not understand why you’ve distanced yourself from them
Get irrationally angry if your dog urinates in their yard
Try to lure your pets over to their yard
Try to poison your pets
Invite you to gossip about other neighbors
Ask you repeatedly about unpleasant events in your life
Tell you about a neighbor that supposedly has said unflattering things about you
Call the police if they feel you are being too loud and on and on.
Keep in mind that most neighbors are not gaslighters. However, if you have one, arm yourself with information or they can turn your once-peaceful home into a living hell.
“My neighbor put aluminum foil on the outside of a window facing our house because I had told him that his floodlights were streaming right into our bedroom. Now I get the floodlights at night and blinding sunlight in the morning.”
—James, 45
Get to know your city’s code enforcement rules. Do what is called “keeping your side of the street clean”—follow your neighborhood’s rules and laws to a T. Chances are, your gaslighting neighbor is watching you like a hawk and waiting for the moment you do something that violates city code, no matter how small the infraction.
Gaslighters are more likely to turn you in if they are constant code violators themselves. This is because gaslighters always accuse people of doing what they are doing themselves—they think they don’t need to follow the same rules everyone else has to follow. Gaslighters are well known for violating city codes. They love to get even with people, even if it is just in their own mind. Make sure you are following these standard “good citizen” rules:
Be meticulous about picking up after your dog.
Never let your dog off-leash.
Be knowledgeable of city noise ordinances and follow them.
Don’t operate loud yard equipment before eight a.m. on a weekday and nine a.m. on a weekend.
“My neighbor yelled at me because my dog was peeing on the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street. It’s not even her property.”
—Jacqueline, 55
To protect yourself, consider doing the following:
Record the actual noise volume at your parties. Noise violations are often among the first things gaslighters will zero in on.
Do not so much as step on your neighbor’s property.
Keep documentation. As you learned from Chapter 4 on gaslighters in the workplace, it is important to keep l
egal documentation if you need to consult with an attorney. Record time, date, and direct quotes from your interactions.
If your gaslighting neighbor is infringing on your property, try installing security cameras you can run from your laptop or tablet. They are becoming more and more affordable.
Consult with an attorney.
Stay as far away from your neighbor as possible. This may be difficult if your gaslighting neighbor lives next door, but if they live down at the end of your street, walk or drive by the gaslighter’s house as little as possible. Yes, it may present an inconvenience to you, but it is better to have an inconvenience than stir up trouble with the gaslighter. The gaslighter would have no qualms about telling the police you did something unlawful as you were walking or driving by his house. All it takes is another neighbor to corroborate that you were seen in that area at that time, or a lying neighbor who was intimidated or blackmailed by the gaslighter. This witness doesn’t even have to have seen you do anything—just the fact that they can confirm you were in the area will make life much more difficult for you.
“Our dog ran out the front door. We got him right back inside. But my neighbor called animal control, saying we were irresponsible owners. He looks for anything he can turn us in for.”
—Maude, 30
Tell your kids to avoid going near your neighbor’s house. If your kids ask why, just say that it’s a new rule you have now. If you tell your kids “Because Mr. X is not a nice person,” that will get back to Mr. X—guaranteed. No need to stir things up even more.
If you have outdoor pets, it is also very important that your pet not get into your neighbor’s yard, whether through a breach in the fence or by escaping out the front door. If your pet gets into the neighbor’s yard, a gaslighter may call animal control, or worse, shoot or poison the animal. Believe me, I’ve heard stories that would break your heart. Don’t walk your dog past the neighbor’s house. This sounds extreme, but remember, when you are dealing with a gaslighter, you are dealing with a very unstable and angry person.
Limit contact with your neighbor as much as possible. If you see her at a neighborhood event, act as if she is not there, or excuse yourself. Try to avoid eye contact—the gaslighter will see direct eye contact as a challenge. Many people think that by not making eye contact or talking to a gaslighter, you are somehow “allowing” the gaslighter to continue behaving badly. What you are doing is refraining from provoking the gaslighter into more unstable behavior. Remember, gaslighters do not operate like regular people. Ignoring them or leaving the situation really is the best policy.
You may get to the point where you don’t even want to attend neighborhood get-togethers if you know the gaslighter is going to be there. In time, your neighbors will see the kind of person the gaslighter is, and the gaslighter will be invited to fewer and fewer get-togethers anyway. The gaslighter can only keep up his facade for so long.
Court dockets are filled with cases of neighbors behaving very badly, and restraining orders, in which a judge orders the person to stay a certain distance from you for a defined period of time, are often the only remedy available, however imperfect.
There are cases of a neighbor tormenting a family to the point where the family was granted a restraining order. In one well-publicized case, a woman was actually barred from entering her neighborhood due to the harassment she was dishing out to her neighbors.
In these sorts of cases, gaslighters/defendants view themselves as the wronged one. They mounted their campaigns of revenge, claiming they had legitimate reasons to harass their neighbors. They feel they are justified in doing “whatever it takes” to make the other person “pay,” even if it results in the gaslighters’ being hit with restraining orders, jail time, or probation.
Sometimes the courts are our best or only protection against a gaslighter, but it’s rarely easy street. A restraining order must be approved by a judge, and it states that a person may not initiate contact with you and must stay a certain distance from you at all times. You may qualify for a restraining order if a person poses an imminent or immediate threat to you or your family. For more on restraining orders, see the Resources section at the end of this book.
GASLIGHTING LANDLORDS
There’s one more category of gaslighters to look at here before we turn to our next chapter: your landlord. You know the type. He never fixed your plumbing but he says he did. He claims to have had conversations with you that never actually happened. He comes around when you haven’t contacted him, just to see “how you’re doing.” If you have the unfortunate experience of being stalked or harassed by a landlord, know that there are legal remedies or solutions. First, know your state’s tenant laws. In many states, your landlord has to have a very valid reason for coming around unannounced, or he is breaking the law. If this is the case in your state, tell your landlord that he needs to notify you at least 24 hours before appearing at your home. Better yet, have it added as a clause in your lease. If he appears again without notice, contact local law enforcement. Keep documentation of all interactions with your landlord. You can also expect that your gaslighting landlord will try to keep your security deposit. Remember how cheap gaslighters are? He’ll make up a reason but the real reason, other than cheapness, is to get revenge on you. Before you move out, make sure your house or apartment is thoroughly cleaned. Take photos of everything, even under the kitchen and bathroom sinks. If your landlord keeps your security deposit without cause, you can take him to small claims court and recover it. But you’ll need documentation. Also, please seek the advice of an attorney if you are considering legal action. Local tenants unions and/or rent boards can help you navigate.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT GASLIGHTING FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Whether the gaslighter is a friend or neighbor, there are ways to protect yourself. These options include cutting off contact, distancing yourself, avoiding borrowing anything from or giving anything to the gaslighter, and seeking legal representation for yourself.
Stay Away from Them or Cut Off Contact
If the gaslighter is a friend, your best bet, hard as it may be, is to cut all ties with them. This is usually the only way to get rid of the toxic influence of a gaslighter. If you are on a social committee with them, at your child’s school, for instance, transfer to another one. If you don’t, this person will continue to wreak havoc in your life—guaranteed. There is a small chance that the gaslighter will become preoccupied with someone else and drop you like a hot potato, but until then she will likely make your life drama filled.
If you have a gaslighting neighbor who is continually harassing you, you might want to consider moving. Yes, seriously. While that is a big adjustment to make and may wind up costing you money and time, it might well be worth it for peace of mind. Moving out may feel like giving in or like the gaslighter has “won,” but believe me, you have won by putting your family’s well-being first.
Never Give Anything to or Borrow Anything from a Gaslighter
Never loan anything to a gaslighter. If you do loan something, do it with the expectation that you will never get it back. And never, under any circumstances, should you loan the gaslighter money. Likewise, never borrow anything from a gaslighter. The gaslighter will conveniently “forget” that you borrowed an item, and will then accuse you of stealing it.
“I don’t let certain people ‘borrow’ things unless I am willing to part with it for good.”
—Declan, 35
If the gaslighter gives you an item as a “gift,” either say “No, thank you” or, if you really must take it, be aware that it may come back to bite you. Gaslighters are famous for “gifting” you something, then claiming that you stole it from them. Again, this is all about feeling the need to get even with people who they feel have wronged them. It can also stem from their substance abuse. Remember that gaslighters may have more problems with addiction than the rest of us do, and they may have given you something while in a blackout.
“Sometimes a gift from a
‘friend’ is an invitation to trouble. The gifts are never ‘free’—they come with a lot of hassle.”
—Evie, 39
Never Have Gaslighters Take Care of Your Children or Pets
It’s never a good idea to have gaslighters take care of your children or pets. They will turn your children against you. They will “forget” about your child’s food allergies, or the rules you have in your home. Your pets will be neglected or abused. They will be fed things you expressly told the gaslighter not to give them. Gaslighters don’t care. If you give them the responsibility of watching your children or your pets, they’ll take that as carte blanche, putting themselves in a position of power over the most valuable beings in your life. Please don’t rationalize that you don’t have anyone else to watch your child or pet. There’s got to be a better option than leaving them with a gaslighter who may cause them serious harm.
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