Agreement that the children will never be asked or expected to call a parent’s partner “Mom” or “Dad”
How much notice one parent needs to give the other if the other parent wants to take the children on vacation (and who will pay for the passport if the travel is international)
The terms under which a parent can take a child out of the country (usually the parent coordinator will have you abide by the Hague Convention, which lists countries with strict regulations on the returning of children reported as abducted by a parent)
The time frame in which itineraries for children’s travel must be furnished
The notification process if one parent wants to move a certain number of miles away from the other parent. Distances of 50 miles or more are usually discussed in the presence of a parent coordinator or mediator.
Where children will be exchanged, and the amount of time a parent must wait for the other parent to show before heading back home
This may all look tedious, but having a written plan, signed by you and the other parent, really helps reduce conflict. The more specific your parenting plan, the better. You want the parenting plan written in such a way that if there is any conflict with the other parent, the solution is right there in the plan. If you or the other parent has issues with something in the parenting plan at some point, the two of you can always consult your attorneys or your parent coordinator.
If you both agree to a change in the plan—let’s say you now need to have Johnny at your house on Wednesday instead of Thursday—get this change in writing. For most parents, a simple verbal agreement is enough. However, with a gaslighter, you need documentation for everything.
Items to Include in a Parenting Plan
I recommend including the following items in your parenting plan. As always, consult with your attorney for the best course of action.
Exchange of Children in a Neutral Location: Pick up and drop off your children in a neutral location. A neutral location is one that has no emotional ties to either you, the other parent, or your children. Some parents pick a public location that is a halfway point between their homes. A public location is important, because people tend to be on better behavior when there are others around. A public location also means you have witnesses if a conflict happens with the other parent; it also means quicker access to law enforcement or emergency services if needed.
Who Is Allowed at Exchange Points: If your divorce is so high-conflict that being around the other parent is bound to cause problems, you can agree with the other parent to have family members or family friends bring your child to the exchange point. You can also have it added that only you or the other parent will be at the exchange point, as to avoid confrontations with former in-laws or new romantic partners.
Wait Time for Parent No-Show: Thirty minutes is usually considered a reasonable amount of time to wait for the other parent at an exchange location. This means that after thirty minutes, you return back home. The allowable window of time is really up to you and the other parent. You might want to consider adding some extra time if the other parent contacts you to say she’ll be late, but if this becomes a pattern that feels manipulative, you don’t need to agree to it. Of course, you’ll want to document this failure to pick up. And remember to try to stay neutral and not get the children involved in your conflict with your ex. Hard, I know, but you’ve got to keep trying for the sake of your kids.
“When my ex tries to get all sly and change things up, I tell him the page of the parenting plan and what it says. He always says then that he’s going to take me to court, but he never has.”
—Hattie, 32
Right of First Refusal and Who Can Watch Your Child: There is something in custody arrangements called “right of first refusal,” which means that if you or the other parent can’t have the child on a scheduled night, you need to give the other parent the opportunity to have the child at his home. You can also stipulate that “right of first refusal” doesn’t apply if, say, the other parent is going to be gone for thirty minutes or less on a night he has your child. If someone does need to watch your child, the parenting plan should spell out who is allowed to watch the child. Perhaps a babysitter or older sibling would be all right with you, but not someone known to you to also be a gaslighter, such as an in-law or new spouse. These are the kinds of things to work out in your plan.
Keeping Divorce Documents and Parenting Plan Away from Children: Gaslighters will often leave sensitive divorce papers or parenting plans in plain sight to show their children how “unreasonable” their ex is. Or they’ll want the kids to see that they give the ex “plenty of money.” When confronted, the gaslighter may lie and say it wasn’t his fault that your child was snooping. Make it a point in the parenting plan that any documentation related to your divorce or parenting plan is kept out of view of your children, and that it never be discussed with your children.
Only Respectful Talk When the Children Are in Each Parent’s Custody: Sometimes exes think kids aren’t paying attention while they talk disparagingly to someone else about the kids’ other parent. Gaslighters may act as though they didn’t know your kids were within earshot when complaining about you. They’ll claim, “I didn’t know the children were listening” or “It’s not my fault they overheard a private conversation.” If you spell out in your parenting agreement that the other parent can only be spoken about respectfully, gaslighters can’t get away with this or they will be in violation of the agreement. (And take care not to be guilty of this behavior yourself.)
Method of Communication: If you have had issues with a gaslighter making volatile phone calls, or denying things he said when on the phone, it can be added to the parenting plan that communication will be done only through texting and e-mailing. Just using written communication gives you proof of what is said between you and your ex. You can also agree in the parenting plan that you will use schedule-sharing websites or apps. For more information on these types of services, see the Resources section at the end of this book.
Parent Coordinators
Finally, a word about other resources available to you. Parent coordinators are usually mental health professionals or other helping professionals. They are either appointed by a judge in family court, or you can hire one on your own. Some states even have certified parent coordinators, who have received extra training in how to help parents in high-conflict divorces. Parent coordinators will work with you and the other parent to make sure everyone agrees on using respectful communication, keeping children out of disagreements, and following the agreed-upon parenting plan. If there is a disagreement between you and the other parent, the parent coordinator can hear both sides of the discussion and give a recommendation, based on what is in your parenting plan and what is in the best interests of your child.
“I have a restraining order against my ex. We talk through a parent coordinator that the judge gave us. It has made my life so much less stressful.”
—Jana, 28
HELP IS AVAILABLE!
As you know, gaslighters can cause a lot of psychological damage to you and your children. If left unchecked, gaslighting parents can do years of damage to a child. That’s why I recommend counseling. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in asking for this kind of help. Having a neutral third party to talk with will reduce the likelihood of stress-related illnesses, help heal grief, and reduce the chances of you and your children using unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Get Counseling for Your Children
When children have a gaslighting parent, it is very important that they receive help from a mental health professional, be it a social worker, a counselor, a psychologist, or someone else with training in dealing with the emotional lives of kids. Your children, regardless of their age, are most likely a victim of the gaslighter. In fact, children are often direct targets of gaslighters’ abuse. This is because children are particularly vulnerable—they love their parents regardless of how those parents treat them. The gaslighter
knows this and uses it to manipulate and also alienate your children from you.
In counseling, your children can discover that healthy parents do not act this way, and can learn how to cope with a parent who is a manipulator. The mental health professional can also meet with you and your child together in sessions. This can result in a better understanding of how your child feels and how you can best help him. Some mental health professionals are trained in play therapy. This is a way for your children to express their feelings when words don’t come as easily to them. For more information on play therapists, see the Resources section at the end of this book.
Get Counseling with the Gaslighting Parent
Another option for counseling is for you and the gaslighting parent to attend therapy sessions together. Your mental health professional may even recommend having a therapy session for the whole family. Be aware that very cunning gaslighters have been able to fool even seasoned therapists, and sometimes family counseling with exes can lead to more damage. Consider your counselor’s recommendation and your intuition when making this decision. The success of this type of therapy depends on the quality of the therapist and her knowledge of child development and gaslighting or narcissistic and antisocial behavior.
Get Counseling on Your Own
If you’ve been married to and now divorced from a gaslighter, getting counseling for yourself is imperative. You have gone through stresses that other parents don’t typically face. This can lead to you feeling isolated, especially when your friends don’t “get it.” Your friends may not fully understand just how crazy-making your ex is, and you may not talk about it as much with them. A mental health professional can help you learn good self-care and more effective parenting strategies. Counseling is a safe place to get out your frustration and anger toward your gaslighting ex.
If you don’t talk it out, you tend to act it out. This means that you may be drawn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as drinking or overeating. Also, unfortunately, holding in all that frustration can come out as impatience, frustration, and anger toward your children. Even though you would never choose to let your frustration out on your children, it can sneak through in various ways if you are under extreme stress. Counseling is highly recommended if you:
Are snapping at your children or others
Find yourself being more “rigid” concerning expectations of your children
Find yourself getting angrier with your children
Punish your children for minor issues
Are tougher or unkind toward a child that looks more like the gaslighting parent than do your other children
Are falling short on fulfilling your parental duties toward the children
Chapter 12 offers more details on counseling.
Practice Good Self-Care
In an airplane emergency, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before your child’s so you can be an effective support. Likewise, you need to practice good self-care so you can be the best parent you can be. Coparenting with a gaslighter can leave you feeling worn out, used, angry, and disappointed. It is important to practice proactive self-care, where you are taking good care of yourself on a regular basis, rather than reactive self-care, where you only take care of yourself when a crisis happens.
You may feel the need to make up for the gaslighting parent’s behavior. However, this is impossible to do. You may also feel guilt for “sticking” your child with a pathological parent. Sometimes parents try to be a “perfect parent” to make up for what the other parent is lacking. This results in you getting burned out and actually makes you less effective as a parent. It is impossible to be a perfect parent, but there are a million ways to be a great parent. What do kids want most from their parents? Love, healthy boundaries, a good listener, and someone who understands them.
Your job is just to be the best parent you can be, regardless of the other parent’s behavior. A trap the nongaslighting parent falls into is working to exhaustion to provide everything that the gaslighting parent doesn’t give the child. You have the right to do less than what is humanly possible.
Divorcing and then coparenting with a gaslighter is one of the toughest things you will do. It is important to know your rights and your children’s rights. Take good care of yourself, as it’s a challenge to be the best parent you can be when you aren’t on your game. This includes seeking counseling—it gives you a healthy outlet for your frustration, and a counselor can help you come up with solutions to make you and your child’s lives better. There is hope, and your child can grow up to be a happy, healthy adult.
FROM DOING SOME soul-searching in this process, you may have realized that you are doing some gaslighting behaviors. It’s common to pick up behaviors if you lived with a gaslighter. It may have been your way to cope with a situation out of control—by using the gaslighter’s own manipulation strategies against him. In the next chapter, you’ll learn how to stop these gaslighting tendencies in their tracks—making a better life for you and your loved ones.
11
WHO, ME?
What to Do When You Are the Gaslighter
WE’VE TALKED ABOUT GASLIGHTING IN MANY DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS and scenarios throughout this book. Now, it’s time to address an elephant in the room: What if you suspect that you are a gaslighter? The good news is that people who think they are gaslighters generally aren’t. Throughout the book, I’m sure you’ve observed that true gaslighters think they are totally fine and everyone else has a problem; they have what is called an ego-syntonic personality. True gaslighters would be the last people to seek psychological help. Which is not to say that you might not have some gaslighting traits. If you see yourself as someone with gaslighting behaviors, and you are willing to learn about getting better, you are on the right track here. One of the biggest steps toward making lasting change in your life is acknowledging that you need help.
In this chapter, you will be able to pinpoint which gaslighting behaviors you may practice and start working on those. You may identify some of these behaviors in yourself right away, and others may come as a surprise. You will learn why you gaslight (usually because someone close to you is or was a gaslighter and taught you to be one as well). I want you to understand that while you will have learned much from reading this book, there is also plenty of help available for you.
Many people with gaslighting behaviors go through life having difficulties maintaining good friendships, being in unhealthy (and possibly even abusive) relationships, and not feeling very good about themselves. They may wonder what they are doing wrong, and why life seems to be easier for others. Is any of this true for you? All these experiences are very common for those with gaslighting behaviors.
DO YOU HAVE GASLIGHTING BEHAVIORS?
If you are concerned you might be a gaslighter, look at this list and see if you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself. You:
Lie often, even in cases where lying doesn’t serve a purpose
Aren’t direct in telling someone your needs
Expect people to read your mind and know what you want
Aren’t sure what constitutes your needs
Get upset when others can’t figure out your needs
Try to get people to do what you want instead of just directly asking them
Don’t tell people what you want, and then get back at those people. This is known as passive-aggressive behavior, which you will learn about later in this chapter.
Are frustrated when others take more time doing something than you would like
Have friends and family that tell you that your tone of voice is sarcastic or rough
Have a short temper
“Black out” and don’t remember things that you did when you were angry
See people as mainly selfish and out for their own needs
Well, what do you think? Are you ready for a deeper dive?
FLEAS
In Chapter 8 on gaslighting parents, we talked about the term fleas, as in, “If you li
e down with dogs, you’ll get fleas.” People often learn to gaslight from their parents. We look to our parents for cues about how to act as adults—so it is normal to pick up some of their behaviors. If you now show some gaslighting behaviors, chances are you learned them as a form of self-preservation and coping in an abusive or chaotic home. The difference between someone with some gaslighting behaviors and a full-on gaslighter is that true gaslighters use these manipulative behaviors as their only method of relating to the world. That is, true gaslighters use these behaviors in all facets of their lives: home, work, social life, and in the community. My hunch is that you exhibit some of these behaviors when you are under stress or when you are dealing with a true gaslighter, most likely your parent. Please don’t worry. You’ll learn much from this chapter that can help you put your own behavior into context and help steer you toward healthier ways of relating and responding under stress.
SELF-PRESERVATION
When I say that your gaslighting behaviors were likely a form of self-preservation, I mean they were the way you protected yourself from harm. You did what you needed to do to cope and survive. If you lived with a gaslighting parent, you learned coping strategies so as to not be on the receiving end of your parent’s wrath. You learned to lie about even inconsequential things, because your parent was so easily angered. You may be carrying the same self-preservation skills into adulthood.
WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
If you witnessed unhealthy relationships while growing up, or have been in an unhealthy relationship, it may be difficult to know what makes up a truly healthy relationship. Let’s take a look at the components of a healthy relationship. They include:
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