Closure Is Overrated
If you feel you haven’t been able to get through a breakup because you never got “closure,” I’ll let you in on a little secret: closure is overrated. You may never really get the closure you want. By closure, I mean hearing from your ex and having a sit-down or phone call “good-bye” talk, kind of like a “relationship postmortem.” If you have been waiting to find out from your ex exactly what you did that caused her to leave you, you may be waiting a really long time. Meanwhile, life goes on. Besides, even if your ex told you why she left, the answer probably still would not fill the void you are experiencing. You would continue to question why, or whether she telling you the whole story. The best thing you can do is continue to work on yourself, so that you are emotionally at your best when the next opportunity for a relationship happens.
IN THE NEXT chapter, you will learn about counseling, a helpful way to heal yourself of gaslighting behaviors, and also heal from others who have gaslighted you. You will discover the counseling theories of client-centered therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and solution-focused therapy. Each therapy brings something new and different to the mix, and sometimes people find that one type of therapy is more helpful to them than the others. Sometimes people find that a mix of techniques is most helpful. By learning more about the types of counseling, you can make decisions as to what type of counseling model might work best for you.
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GETTING FREE
Counseling and Other Ways to Get Help
WHETHER YOU’VE BEEN A VICTIM OF GASLIGHTING OR YOU’VE noted tendencies in yourself, it can really help to consult with a mental health professional (MHP). Gaslighting can cause extreme stress (and if you’ve been coparenting with a gaslighter, it causes stress to your kids as well). Making sure that you take good care of yourself, in part by getting enough sleep, exercising, and practicing healthy eating habits, is a big part of self-care. Getting professional help is another part of the equation.
As noted in the previous chapter, if you were raised by gaslighters or in a relationship with one, you may have found you were even gaslighting yourself. You may have questioned your reality in other areas of your life, due to the gaslighter’s brainwashing tactics. It takes a lot of strength to know that you need additional help, so you should be very proud of yourself. Asking for help is a strength, and not everyone is able to know they need help.
COUNSELING
If you have been a victim of gaslighting or if you have gaslighting tendencies, it can help you to seek talk therapy or counseling. Although counseling may just seem like sitting and chatting with someone, it is actually hard work. What you get out of it depends on how much effort you put into it. Expectations also make a difference. If you go into counseling with the attitude of “This might make some positive changes in my life,” you will have better results than going in with the attitude of “I don’t think this will work, but whatever.” Go in with an attitude of willingness and curiosity and you’re much more likely to get the insights and new coping and communication tools you’re looking for.
You can find MHPs through referrals from family, friends, and others in your community. Your health plan provider may also be able to direct you to professionals whose services it will cover. You can also find MHPs via search engines and counseling websites and apps. See the Resources section at the end of this book for more information on finding an MHP.
Choosing the Right One
When you meet an MHP, you may “click” with that person or you may not. You may need to meet with a few MHPs to find one with whom you fit well. Listen to your intuition when deciding whether an MHP is a right fit for you. Your intuition is that gut feeling that tells you whether something is okay or not. If you grew up with gaslighting parents, your intuition may have told you that something was wrong with your parents’ behavior. If you brought this up with your parents, they most likely told you that you were crazy and you had no idea what you were talking about. The same holds true if you are or were in a relationship with a gaslighter. It’s important to acknowledge that your intuition is almost always correct and to connect with that feeling that tells you that something is good or not. It is almost always on target. As you are the one hiring the MHP, you have the right to opt out of working with anyone with whom you feel uncomfortable, however highly that person may have been recommended to you.
Some MHPs’ style is to listen and provide feedback for you when asked. Others may be more direct with you, even interrupting you. (If you have gaslighting tendencies yourself, you may need someone more direct, since having gaslighting behaviors mean you can probably “steamroll” or manipulate people pretty well. You can even tell the MHP, “I need someone to be direct with me and call me out.”)
“I went to a couple of therapists before I found one that I felt I could really talk to.”
—Deon, 34
When you contact a counselor, ask her:
Her license and credentials
How much she charges
If she is covered by your insurance (check with your insurance company, too, and get that information in writing—your insurance company is not obligated to honor oral statements)
Her experience with gaslighting
What therapeutic style she uses (note that most therapists use a combination of therapy styles):
Client-centered therapy
Cognitive-behavioral therapy
Dialectical behavior therapy
Acceptance and commitment therapy
Solution-focused therapy
How long she expects counseling to last. The answer you are looking for is “It depends on the person,” since every person’s issues and needs are unique. No one should promise you a quick fix.
Many MHPs are now doing private pay only—they do not file insurance, and you pay them in full at the end of the session. You can ask MHPs whether they work on a sliding scale, meaning they allow you to pay according to what you can afford, within reason. Many community mental health centers provide sliding scale treatment.
If the MHP doesn’t file insurance, ask for a receipt so you can file for reimbursement with your insurance company. Then, when you contact your insurance company about reimbursement for a counseling visit, ask how much it reimburses for a “nonparticipating provider”; that is, an MHP that doesn’t take insurance. Usually your reimbursement percentage, or money paid back to you, is lower if the MHP is out of your insurance network.
A word of caution: Anytime you file a medical claim with your insurance company, whether it is for counseling or a broken leg, that information goes into a national clearinghouse called the Medical Information Bureau (www.mib.com). This information can be used to deny you life and disability insurance—and until the Affordable Care Act, was used to deny health insurance coverage. Due to this fact, and for keeping privacy, many people choose not to file with their insurance for counseling visits.
You can get your entire file from the Medical Information Bureau at www.mib.com. It lists your date of service, doctor name, and diagnosis. I recommend you get this file, because as was my experience, my doctor’s office was off by one digit on a diagnostic code, and the incorrect diagnosis it gave me it would have impacted my chances of getting insurance. If you get your file and find that the information is incorrect, contact your doctor’s office, and it will correct the error. Ask for proof of the error correction.
Also be aware that if you are going to be applying with your state bar to become an attorney, you may be asked about any mental health treatment you receive. If you are planning on going into the military, ask a Department of Defense recruiter for its latest policies on people who have had counseling or are taking psychiatric medications. (You’ll learn more about psychiatric medications later in this chapter.)
Should You Talk to Others About Your Therapy?
It is a personal decision whether to disclose to others that you are going for counseling. You may find that your
family and friends think it’s really odd. Some family members may worry that “secrets” in the family will come out. Going to counseling is a courageous and good thing—you are acknowledging that you need some guidance with some things in your life. Everyone has issues, and you are strong enough to do something about those issues. Don’t let the reactions of others deter you—or simply don’t tell anyone and just go.
“In my family, you don’t go to a counselor unless you are super crazy. It felt really weird going to see someone and talk about things I wouldn’t even tell my close friends. But talking about stuff that I was ashamed to talk about.… it’s freeing.”
—Alfonso, 37
In the list here, I mentioned a few different types of therapy. (There are many more, too, but these are the main ones in use now.) You may find that you “click” better with one type than another. You may also discover that most MHPs use a blend of different counseling theories. MHPs should be able to tell you whether they have training in a particular type of counseling theory or theories.
Let’s take a look at these theories and see whether you resonate more strongly with one or another.
Client-Centered Therapy
Client-centered therapy is a type of counseling that is nondirective. This means that you are in the “driver’s seat” in the counseling session, and the MHP is neutral. This means that the counselor doesn’t try to steer you in a particular direction or give you advice.
Unconditional Positive Regard
“Unconditional positive regard” is a big part of client-centered therapy. This means that the MHP accepts you for who you are, and supports you no matter what issues you bring into the session. If you have been gaslighted, you may already feel severely judged, so client-centered therapy is a safe place to talk about your issues without judgments being made.
Being Genuine
Having an MHP that is genuine with you is another important part of client-centered therapy. This means that the MHP will be “real” with you, and may tell you how he is feeling about something. For example, if you are sharing that your mother gaslighted you into believing that you didn’t have worth, the MHP may share with you that he is feeling angry that you were treated that way. When an MHP is genuine, he role models for you how to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means being open to sharing who you are, and your thoughts. Being the victim of a gaslighter means that you had to usually conceal who you were, keep it hidden deep down—because you knew if you were vulnerable the gaslighter would see that as a sign to attack you. Learning how to be vulnerable again is a big step toward getting away from your gaslighter’s shadow on your life.
Self-Concept
Self-concept is what you believe about yourself. It consists of your ideas and values. The gaslighter in your life may have told you that your ideas and values were wrong, or may have blatantly disregarded them. Time with the gaslighter may have changed your self-concept to one that is different from reality. Your gaslighter’s criticism may have led you to believe that you don’t have worth or are always wrong. Client-centered counseling can help you get back to who you are, and rebuild an accurate self-concept—that you are a good, honest, and confident person.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of counseling that focuses, in part, on the inner monologue, or voice, that plays through your mind all day long. In CBT, it’s not an event that makes you feel a certain way, it’s what you think about the event that impacts how you feel about it.
Think of this process as written out this way:
Action Belief Consequence.
Something happens to you. You have thoughts about this thing that happened to you. These thoughts then determine how you feel. Let’s say you step in a mud puddle on the way to work (Action). You think to yourself, “I can’t believe I was so stupid. Everyone at work is going to make fun of me” (Belief). You wind up having a bad day at work (Consequence). However, let’s say you step in a mud puddle on the way to work (Action) and think to yourself, “Ah, accidents happen. I’ll have something to laugh about with my coworkers” (Belief). You wind up having a pretty good day (Consequence). According to this theory, what you think about an event changes the outcome, so why not think of something that works in your favor?
Stopping Negative Self-Talk
We all have recordings that play in our mind during the day. Yours could be your voice, your parent’s voice, a teacher’s voice, or anyone else who might have been critical toward you. Most people are not aware of this “inner dialogue.” If you take time to stop and really listen to your inner voice, you may find that it is not saying kind things. It can be defeatist, demeaning, and downright cruel sometimes. It’s the voice that says, “You’re not that smart, you’ll never get this done,” when you are given a new assignment at work. It’s the voice that says, “You’ll never be good enough.”
One way to stop the negative self-talk (or “negative cognitions” in CBT-speak) is to become more aware that you are doing it. Just becoming cognizant of your inner voice will go a long way toward stopping it. When you catch your inner voice saying something negative, visualize a stop sign popping up—or say the word stop. This stops your negative thought in its tracks. Then come up with a positive replacement. For example, “I’m never going to get better” turns into “I can get better.” “I never do anything right” turns into “I’m okay just the way I am.” It can be a challenge to change your thought pattern. The good news is that once you start doing it, it gets easier and easier—until one day you’ll discover that the negative thoughts are all but gone. Thinking positive thoughts becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you’re going to have a good day, you probably will have a good day. So, why not give yourself a fighting chance?
Cognitive Distortions
When you are a victim of gaslighting, or are engaging in gaslighting behaviors, you tend to have what are called cognitive distortions. These are ways of thinking that work against you. These thoughts are called distortions because they warp the way we see ourselves and the world around us. Cognitive distortions include overgeneralizing, catastrophizing, minimizing, mind-reading, and personalizing. You may use these patterns of thinking as a kind of protective shield around you. Let’s take a look at how they work.
Overgeneralizing: You practice overgeneralizing when you think that the way one event went means all events will go the same way. An example would be: “My one friend can’t go to the movies; I have no friends.” The chances are that you do have more friends. Very rarely in life are things “all or nothing.” Try to catch yourself overgeneralizing and ask yourself, “Is this really true?” If you gaslight, you may have such thoughts as, “If he leaves, I will never be happy again,” or “I had one bad day, my days are always bad.” It’s viewing the world through the eyes of an angry pessimist.
Catastrophizing: This is best described by the saying “Making a mountain out of a molehill.” An example would be: “My girlfriend said we should talk over dinner tonight. This is the end of our relationship! I just know it!” You’re coming up with conclusions for which you have no proof. This kind of response can also be changed by noticing it. The saying, “No use crying over spilled milk” may not make sense if you have a gaslighting parent. You know that something like spilling milk turns your parent into a screaming monster who will lecture you on how expensive milk is, how worthless you are for spilling it, and how, if you keep it up, your family will have no money for milk, when in reality, accidents just happen. Healthy people just say, “Oops!” and help their children clean up.
Minimizing: This is a classic behavior of addicts. “I drink two six-packs a night; that doesn’t mean I have a problem.” It’s the opposite of catastrophizing—it’s making a molehill out of a mountain. Minimizing is a form of denial. It’s the equivalent of, “Nothing to see here.… move along.” Getting an evaluation by a MHP or getting counseling from one can help you determine whether you do in fact have an issue
with making things less of a big deal than they really are, and whether there is a problem in particular that you tend to minimize, such as alcohol use or a gaslighter’s abusive behavior.
Mind-reading: “I know she’s thinking that I’m useless.” Mind-reading happens when you attribute thoughts to other people. If you have gaslighting tendencies, you may automatically think people are saying negative beliefs because someone in your life was constantly feeding you negative information about yourself. You can never be sure what others are thinking. The chances of you being psychic are pretty low, so it’s in your best interest to assume that a person is thinking something positive about you. Besides, as we say in the field, what other people think of you is none of your business.
Personalizing: “She didn’t say hi back to me. What a jerk.” Maybe your friend was busy and didn’t hear you say hello. Maybe she was distracted with other things. Very rarely in life are things personal. Even if someone is mad at you, that’s about that person, not you.
Just by becoming more aware of these cognitive distortions, they will start to show up less and less in your thinking. These distortions will then start being replaced with positive thoughts instead. It’s in your best interest, both emotionally and physically, to stop these detrimental forms of thinking.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy. It can be helpful for people who are victims of gaslighting, have gaslighting behaviors, or both.
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