by Lesley Kara
When a child is gone, they’re gone. They’re gone for ever, and nothing will fill the gaping hole they leave behind. Nothing.
Blaming Astrid gave me something else to think about. Blaming Astrid made me stronger because anger is a fuel. It fires you up from the inside and propels you forwards. Stops you facing the grief. Stops you sinking.
But you know what? She could have died a thousand deaths, each one more gruesome than the next, and it wouldn’t have made a scrap of difference. Not in the end. Because I would still be alive, and Simon would still be dead.
Perhaps one day, when I’m a little stronger, I’ll send her a copy of this journal, so she can understand that just because you imagine yourself doing something and enjoy the way it makes you feel, it doesn’t mean you actually want to do it. It doesn’t mean you’re going to do it.
Murder, suicide, it’s much harder than you think.
I’d like to say I’m over all that now. I’d like to say I wish her well, I really would.
But the fact is … I don’t wish her well. He loved her more than me and I can’t forgive her for that. So if, in my head, I’m still killing her for being here when he isn’t, it doesn’t mean that that’s what I’ll do. It doesn’t make me a bad person just thinking about it. It’s normal to have the odd violent fantasy about someone you hate so much that every muscle in your body contracts when you think of them. I mean, everybody does it sometimes, don’t they?
Don’t they?
Acknowledgements
Although Who Did You Tell? is my second published novel, I actually wrote it before The Rumour. I entered a competition with the opening chapters and was lucky enough to be selected as one of the runners-up, so special thanks must go to Alison Bonomi for ‘finding’ me in amongst all those envelopes, and to Luigi Bonomi, Selina Walker, Sandra Parsons and Simon Kernick, who were on the judging panel.
Thank you to Amanda Preston for representing me and being the best agent I could ever have hoped for, and to Sarah Adams of Transworld and Anne Speyer of Ballantine, New York, for your insightful editorial comments and suggestions. This novel is immeasurably better as a result of the input I received from all three of you. Huge thanks also to the entire team at Transworld. Your passion, professionalism and all-round gorgeousness never fail to amaze me.
Credit must also be given to my writing posse and dear friends, aka the Frinton Writers’ Group, and to early readers Dawn Brown, Fiona Parkin and Jane Hellebrand, who gave me encouraging feedback on my first draft.
Elisabetta Massimi: thank you for telling me why you love working in scenic design – you may notice that Astrid’s feelings on this topic are uncannily similar to your own!
I would also like to acknowledge the important work carried out by Alcoholics Anonymous and other organizations devoted to supporting sufferers and their families all over the world.
And last but not least, thanks to Rashid, for keeping me sane and feeding me at regular intervals.
THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING
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Transworld is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
First published in Great Britain in 2020 by Bantam Press
an imprint of Transworld Publishers
Copyright © Lesley Kara 2020
Cover design by Richard Ogle/TW
Cover photography by Colin Thomas
Lesley Kara has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.
This book is a work of fiction and, except in the case of historical fact, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
References to the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-Step Programme on pages 13, 171, 176 and 177 created by Bill Wilson and Dr Robert Holbrook Smith. Reference to ‘Keep coming back, it works if you work it’ on page 42 from an Alcoholics Anonymous slogan. The Serenity Prayer on page 79 created by Rienhold Niebuhr.
Every effort has been made to obtain the necessary permissions with reference to copyright material, both illustrative and quoted. We apologize for any omissions in this respect and will be pleased to make the appropriate acknowledgements in any future edition.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 9781473559455
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