by Oscar Wilde
CECILY. It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly has changed his mind.
GWENDOLEN. (Meditatively.) If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand.
CECILY. (Thoughtfully and sadly.) Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are married.
GWENDOLEN. Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement? You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one’s mind. It becomes a pleasure.
CECILY. Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an engagement? How dare you? This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of manners. When I see a spade I call it a spade.
GWENDOLEN. (Satirically.) I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different.
(Enter Merriman, followed by the footman. He carries a salver, table cloth, and plate stand. Cecily is about to retort. The presence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls chafe.)
MERRIMAN. Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?
CECILY. (Sternly, in a calm voice.) Yes, as usual. (Merriman begins to clear
table and lay cloth. A long pause. CECILY and Gwendolen glare at each other.)
GWENDOLEN. Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss Cardew?
CECILY. Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of one of the hills quite close one can see five counties.
GWENDOLEN. Five counties! I don’t think I should like that. I hate crowds.
CECILY. (Sweetly.) I suppose that is why you live in town? (Gwendolen bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her parasol.)
GWENDOLEN. (Looking round.) Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew.
CECILY. So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.
GWENDOLEN. I had no idea there were any flowers in the country.
CECILY. Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in London.
GWENDOLEN. Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country always bores me to death.
CECILY. Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongst them, I have been told. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?
GWENDOLEN. (With elaborate politeness.) Thank you. (Aside.) Detestable girl! But I require tea!
CECILY. (Sweetly.) Sugar?
GWENDOLEN. (Superciliously.) No, thank you. Sugar is not fashionable any more. (Cecily looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.)
CECILY. (Severely.) Cake or bread and butter?
GWENDOLEN. (In a bored manner.) Bread and butter, please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses now-a-days.
CECILY. (Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.) Hand that to Miss Fairfax.
(Merriman does so, and goes out with footman. Gwendolen drinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake. Rises in indignation.)
GWENDOLEN. You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.
CECILY. (Rising.) To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not go.
GWENDOLEN. From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first impressions of people are invariably right.
CECILY. It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in the neighbourhood.
(Enter Jack.)
GWENDOLEN. (Catching sight of him.) Ernest! My own Ernest!
JACK. Gwendolen! Darling! (Offers to kiss her.)
GWENDOLEN. (Drawing back.) A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady? (Points to Cecily.)
JACK. (Laughing.) To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?
GWENDOLEN. Thank you. You may! (Offers her cheek.)
CECILY. (Very sweetly.) I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my dear guardian, Mr. John Worthing.
GWENDOLEN. I beg your pardon?
CECILY. This is Uncle Jack.
GWENDOLEN. (Receding.) Jack! Oh!
(Enter Algernon.)
CECILY. Here is Ernest.
ALGERNON. (Goes straight over to Cecily without noticing anyone else.) My own love! (Offers to kiss her.)
CECILY. (Drawing back.) A moment, Ernest! May I ask you—are you engaged to be married to this young lady?
ALGERNON. (Looking round.) To what young lady? Good heavens! Gwendolen!
CECILY. Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.
ALGERNON. (Laughing.) Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?
Cecily. Thank you. (Presenting her cheek to be kissed.) You may. (Algernon kisses her.)
GWENDOLEN. I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.
CECILY. (Breaking away from Algernon.) Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! (The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other’s waists as if for protection.)
CECILY. Are you called Algernon?
ALGERNON. I cannot deny it.
CECILY. Oh!
GWENDOLEN. Is your name really John?
JACK. (Standing rather proudly.) I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my name certainly is John. It has been John for years.
CECILY. (To Gwendolen.) A gross deception has been practised on both of us.
GWENDOLEN. My poor wounded Cecily!
CECILY. My sweet wronged Gwendolen!
GWENDOLEN. (Slowly and seriously.) You will call me sister, will you not? (They embrace. Jack and Algernon groan and walk up and down.)
CECILY. (Rather brightly.) There is just one question I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian.
GWENDOLEN. An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you. Where is your brother Ernest? We are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.
JACK. (Slowly and hesitatingly.) Gwendolen—Cecily—it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind. However I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future.
CECILY. (Surprised.) No brother at all?
JACK. (Cheerily.) None!
GWENDOLEN. (Severely.) Had you never a brother of any kind?
JACK. (Pleasantly.) Never. Not even of any kind.
GWENDOLEN. I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to anyone.
CECILY. It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in. Is it?
GWENDOLEN. Let us go into the house. They will hardly venture to come after us there.
CECILY. No, men are so cowardly, aren’t they?
(They retire into the house with scornful looks.)
JACK. This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose?
ALGERNON. Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.
JACK. Well, you’ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury here.
ALGERNON. That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that.
JACK. Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!
ALGERNON. Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven’t got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature.
JACK. Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded. You won’t be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too.
ALGERNON. Your brother is a little off colour, isn’t he, dear Jack? You won’t be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing either.
JACK. AS for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.
ALGERNON. I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.
JACK. I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.
ALGERNON. Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.
JACK. There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.
ALGERNON. I don’t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united. Jack. Well, that is no business of yours.
ALGERNON. If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. (Begins to eat muffins.) It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbrokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.
JACK. How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.
ALGERNON. Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.
JACK. I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.
ALGERNON. When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. (Rising.)
JACK. (Rising.) Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. (Takes muffins from Algernon.)
ALGERNON. (Offering tea-cake.) I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.
JACK. Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.
ALGERNON. But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.
JACK. I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.
ALGERNON. That may be. But the muffins are the same. (He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack.)
JACK. Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.
ALGERNON. You can’t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.
JACK. My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5:30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I ever have been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already.
ALGERNON. Yes, but I have not been christened for years.
JACK. Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing.
ALGERNON. Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly have forgotten that someone very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.
JACK. Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary.
ALGERNON. It usen’t to be, I know—but I daresay it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements in things.
JACK. (Picking up the muffin-dish.) Oh, that is nonsense; you are always talking nonsense.
ALGERNON. Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn’t. There are only two left. (Takes them.) I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.
JACK. But I hate tea-cake.
ALGERNON. Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality!
JACK. Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go!
ALGERNON. I haven’t quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one muffin left.
(Jack groans, and sinks into a chair. Algernon still continues eating.)
ACT-DROP
THIRD ACT
SCENE—Morning-room at the Manor House.
(Gwendolen and Cecily are at the window, looking out into the garden.)
GWENDOLEN. The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as anyone else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.
CECILY. They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.
GWENDOLEN. (After a pause.) They don’t seem to notice us at all. Couldn’t you cough?
CECILY. But I haven’t got a cough.
GWENDOLEN. They’re looking at us. What effrontery!
CECILY. They’re approaching. That’s very forward of them.
GWENDOLEN. Let us preserve a dignified silence.
CECILY. Certainly. It’s the only thing to do now.
(Enter Jack followed by Algernon. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.)
GWENDOLEN. This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.
CECILY. A most distasteful one.
GWENDOLEN. But we will not be the first to speak.
CECILY. Certainly not.
GWENDOLEN. Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply.
CECILY. Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian’s brother?
ALGERNON. In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.
CECILY. (To Gwendolen.) That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?
GWENDOLEN. Yes, dear, if you can believe him.
CECILY. I don’t. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.
GWENDOLEN. True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?
JACK. Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?
GWENDOLEN. I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. (Moving to Cecily.) Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.
CECILY. I am mo
re than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.
GWENDOLEN. Then you think we should forgive them?
CECILY. Yes. I mean no.
GWENDOLEN. True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one.
CECILY. Could we not both speak at the same time?
GWENDOLEN. An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from me?
CECILY. Certainly. (Gwendolen beats time with uplifted finger.)
GWENDOLEN and CECILY. (Speaking together.) Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all!
JACK and ALGERNON. (Speaking together.) Our Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon.
GWENDOLEN. (To Jack.) For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?
JACK. I am.
CECILY. (To Algernon.) To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?
ALGERNON. I am!
GWENDOLEN. How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.
JACK. We are. (Clasps hands with Algernon.)
Cecily. They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.
GWENDOLEN. (To Jack.) Darling!
ALGERNON. (To Cecily.) Darling! (They fall into each other’s arms.) (Enter Merriman. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.)
MERRIMAN. Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell!
JACK. Good heavens!
(Enter Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm. Exit Merriman.)
LADY BRACKNELL. Gwendolen! What does this mean?
GWENDOLEN. Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma.
LADY BRACKNELL. Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old. (Turns to Jack.) Apprised, sir, of my daughter’s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University of Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. on this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.