Calming herself, she wipes her nose, then finally speaks. “You won’t be waiting too long. That is a promise. Until then I need you to take care of Hina for me. Make sure she knows she is loved and she has a big sister that is doing everything to make life better for her. You have to promise me Yoshi. I don’t think I have the strength to go on without it.”
“Of course you have the strength. Like it or not, you are an Aya, and you are my sister. You are stronger than anyone I know. Even still, you know you can count on me to take care of things here. I’ll never let Hinade feel the things I have. I share with her all the love we have between us that she won’t ever get from mom and dad. She’s a lot like you, you know? She is strong, literally and figuratively, and she doesn’t take anything from anyone. Together we’ll get through this. I’m sure you have better things to do than cry on the phone to me. You know you were always an ugly crier. Just trust in me to do my job to be the shield that protects us in the meantime.”
“Shut up, I’m not that ugly of a crier…” She looks in the mirror, shocked at her appearance. “Ok maybe just a little.”
They laugh and say their goodbyes, leaving Codi to sit on the bed wondering how she can accelerate her plan to unseat her parents from their empire, and take over so her siblings could be free. Thinking back to her brother’s last words, in how he had been so proud of her, and wanted nothing more than for her to continue reaching greater heights, she goes to the bathroom to wash her face, deciding it would be better to stay in her room for the night. Feeling herself swell with resolve, she focuses not only on her problems at home, but what she can do to unseat the final two people standing between her and Phavian, so she could stand victoriously next to her best friend.
15
Maggie never thought that she would dread seeing her best friend and the man she had fallen for, but it was in this moment she was thankful she only had one class with him on Monday. Luckily, due to his mission, he was out, which afforded her time to breathe and come to terms with her feelings before being forced to see him.
What she had not expected was that word of the two most eligible bachelors’ on campus sudden union would not only spread like wildfire amongst the population, but also be the only thing on everyone’s lips. Despite not being confronted with Anaar himself, everything around her was a constant reminder of the pain and conflict she felt inside. All weekend she had found herself moping around, not wishing to interact with others, but now it was as if everyone was doing their best to drive the white-hot knife deeper into her chest.
As she listened to the things everyone was saying, something became hauntingly clear: She was never in the running to begin with. There were a number of upperclassmen that were being talked about to have been potentially courting Anaar, and even a few in her own class she wasn’t aware of. In all the buzz, she never once heard any mention of her name, or how she must feel regarding the situation. For some reason this realization made her anger at Anaar abate considerably. If all of these other people who seemingly had a much better social awareness than he did had no idea about her feelings, how could he? Over the months, she had found herself often scolding him for his lack of social cues and awareness, but she thought that only applied to people he did not know.
One thing was certain, Anaar did love her. This was a fact that could not be refuted. If nothing else, she could take solace in that fact. This meant he would never intentionally hurt her. If anything, he had done more, and given up more for her than anyone ever had, perhaps barring her parents.
She wondered if that was why she had mistaken his mistaken his affections so completely. The way he held her, looked into her eyes, treasured her, how could she not conflate such things with the stories she had read about princes and princesses from her childhood? Not having siblings, she did not know how it felt to be loved by a brother, but now that she thought of it, was that not what Anaar had always done? He had protected her when she was weak, picked her up when she was down, and made her feel special when the world made her feel ordinary.
If he really was in love with Phavian all this time, yet still had so much love to give her, then perhaps things did not have to change between them, since it was only her own feelings that would need to be overcome to fix the situation. As she struggled to come to terms with said feelings, she realized she had been pushing everyone else away as she figured things out. When she took a moment to think about things clearly however, she came to the realization there was someone who could understand her feelings better than anyone else, and perhaps that was what she needed to finally get through it, the support of someone who had experience in the situation.
Opening her door, she greets the smiling figure, for whatever reason immediately being soothed by the lightly freckled face, with the beginnings of curly tufts forming from his head and the piercing steely grey eyes.
With a goofy wave, “Heya Mags. What’s up?”
Moving to the side of the entryway, she gestures for him to enter. Closing the door quickly behind him, she immediately launches into a nervous barrage of statements and questions.
“Dan! Come on in! Have a seat! How is your Spanish? I suppose we can work on that another time if you like. Did you want something to drink? Not like alcohol drink, I know you like that. Not that there is anything wrong with that! I’m just saying I don’t have anything for you. I have water! That isn’t very appetizing though… I can run to the store to get things to make limeade. Yes, I think I’ll do that. Oh, I’m sorry about the way I was acting today, I didn’t mean to be mean. Oh my god I sound like a toddler! ‘Mean to be mean?!’ I wasn’t very nice to people today. Do you think people noticed? I hope they don’t hate me. Not that I really care, I mean at least you guys still like me, right? Right?!”
Dan reaches out, placing his hand on Maggie’s forehead. “You ain’t got no fever. You damn shore ain’t right though. You actin’ real off, even for you. I guess you wonderin’ where Anaar was today too huh? With all the talk ‘round campus, I cain’t even imagine what he off doin’.”
Pulling at her ponytail nervously, “Anaar? Who cares about him?! Why would I care about him? Did someone say I cared about him? He’s just off saving the world as usual or something. With Phavian. Not that I care. Phavian is a great guy right?! He’s not some evil hunk of a guy that is top ranked in his class and loved by everyone! I don’t resent him at all! We are friends, right? He does amazing work with the Seeds, and always tries to help people with less than him! No reason to want to punch him in the face! Not at all!” She laughs nervously, almost hysterically, until she finally breaks down in tears.
Without a moment’s thought, Dan sweeps in, grabbing her and pulling her close while she cried. He thinks to himself that it was amazing how he was needing to do this for two people in such a short span of time, but he did not mind. Standing there holding the lightly sobbing girl, he realized she seemed to have been holding this in to keep from letting others know how she felt. He did not need to see her cry to understand completely though. He had his own opportunities to feel exactly the same way, and he knew that for now there was nothing he could do but allow her to let it out. Rubbing her back gently, he continued to hold her until she finally seemed to regain her composure, rubbing her red eyes like a sleepy child.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from. I didn’t mean to do that. I shouldn’t be sitting here blubbering to you. I know you have your own problems and feelings to deal with…”
“It’s alright. I kinda got over it a few days ago. It ain’t no fun, I tell ya what, but what can ya do? Life a bitch ain’t it?”
Nodding with a childish pout, “It’s a total bitch.”
Dan gives a little laugh, guiding Maggie down to the table to have a seat. Taking up the seat next to her, he holds onto her hand while she still works to regain full control.
“Wanna talk ‘bout it? Guessin’ that why ya called me over.”
Nodding her head, she launches into her tale. “Can yo
u be mad at someone, but also happy for them at the same time? If you can, I am pretty sure that is how I feel right now. I’m mad because all this time I thought Anaar simply dealt with Phavian, and that he really liked me. At the same time, with all he does for me, and what he means to me, I am happy he seems to be happy. How is that even possible? There shouldn’t be multiple emotions attached to a person at the same time. It is really confusing.”
“I get what ya mean. At least you ain’t make no fool of yaself when ya found out like me. Did ya?”
“Well, I didn’t really want to talk to him, so I asked him to leave, but I think on the embarrassment scale, I would say my actions ranked pretty low. What do you mean make a fool of yourself? Didn’t you find out today? It is all anyone is talking about.”
“Oh nah, I found out last Wednesday, when Anaar told us ‘bout why he was gone.”
Slapping him on the arm a few times, “You knew then and didn’t tell me?!”
“Ayy, ayy… I mean from what he told me, they wasn’t together then, so I guess it musta happen sometime later in da week.”
“Wait, so if they weren’t together, how did you find out? He told me Saturday they were together, and that they were going on a mission soon. That is why he wasn’t in class.”
“Musta happen Friday after we left then. We was all pushin’ him to go talk to Phave ‘bout how he was actin’. I guess he did.”
Sitting up with a realization, “So am I the first person he told? He told me early in the morning too, so he must have really cared about how I felt, making sure it didn’t come to me secondhand… Why does he seriously make it so hard to be mad at him!? Wait, if they weren’t together on Wednesday, how did you find out?”
“Oh, I got shut down when I kissed him and told him I love him. He said he ain’t know nothin’ ‘bout my feelins, but he ain’t never felt that way bout me even a little bit. Try takin’ dat one on da chin. I wanted to be mad, but I saw he was dealin’ wit some shit hisself, and he thought he had mess up everythang wit Phave, so he was a mess. Much as I felt like shit masself, he just showed how much he do for me, helpin’ me out like he always do. I ain’t never seen him break down ‘fore. He always the strong one of us bunch. I couldn’t just let him down da one time he need me. So even though they wasn’t no couple yet, I knew he ain’t want me, and he want Phave instead.”
Rubbing his arm, Maggie immediately feels bad she made such a commotion over her own situation. Though they had agreed months ago that whomever won Anaar’s heart, the other couldn’t get mad, and would be happy for them, she never pictured neither one of them would be the one to win his heart, and even worse, poor Dan had actually tried and been rejected. At least she had never made her feelings known, or at least clear, thus she could feel a little better about the situation.
Dan had to deal with full on rejection and still managed to be mature about it. With this additional information, she realized that even if it had not been Phavian, she very well could have been dealing with the same situation since Dan had the courage to tell Anaar how he felt. No matter how she looked at it, she had lost completely. Considering his circumstance, she wondered how Dan was faring so well, even with the additional time to come to terms with things.
“So… if he rejected you- sorry, that came out wrong. If you found out about this Wednesday, and it was a result of you telling him about your feelings, how is it that you are just fine already? I know I am having a hard time just wrapping my head, and I guess my heart around it, and I was given the courtesy of first notice. How are you doing it?”
“Well it ain’t like it’s the first time I thought I had lost. I guess I done got used to it now.”
“What do you mean it isn’t the first time?”
Dan sits in shock looking at Maggie, incapable of believing she did not know. “You mean to tell me you ain’t think I was gonna feel some kinda way ‘bout Anaar giving up the Melee all to save you? Maybe it play out different when ya livin’ it, but when ya forced to watch it go down, and ya feel the way ya do, how else could I take it other than y’all was a couple and he was savin’ you ‘cause of it? Y’all worked together, and made it all the way to the end, and would’ve won if Scrotes wasn’t a ole fuck piece of shit. Just seein’ y’all together, it was clear y’all plan to work together. Y’all ain’t ask us to work together, so how else I was ‘pose to take all dat? In my mind I had already lost long time ago, but when Anaar disappeared and you was just as left out as da rest of us, I figure maybe I still had a chance. I know y’all closer than we are, so maybe dat was why y’all left us out. Can’t drag us all along right? Me and Stef ain’t close to y’all level, so it make sense.”
Maggie gasps as she thinks over how all the information she had just received made sense. It never dawned on her what others might think about Anaar’s sacrifice for her. She then wondered if that was why Phavian and Dan both were so cold toward her after the Melee. From their perspective, she was the one Anaar had chosen if he was willing to give up so much for her.
Fitting all the pieces together, she was not sure if she was happy or sad anymore. Though her heart burned with the idea she would not be able to have Anaar as a boyfriend, she had clearly underestimated the overwhelming power of their friendship. If he loved her that much, and wanted nothing else but to be her friend, did she even want to potentially ruin or give that up?
She had always been focused on a singular target, and never really considered the implications of simply taking their relationship for what it was, a friendship that was far deeper than she could have imagined. As she continued to work through her own feelings, the pieces all falling into place with more information, she all at once realized something about the man sitting next to her.
“Dan! You mean to tell me you have been through this twice?! And even after the first time you still had the strength to try again?! Wait a minute, you were pretty rude to me after the Melee.” She hits him in the arm. “I thought we agreed we wouldn’t be mad at one another whoever won! You broke the rules!”
Giving her a guilty look, “Dat shit ain’t as easy as we made it sound. You wanna be happy, and be the bigger person, but dat shit ain’t normal. If you could just let it go like dat, you ain’t really care in the first place.”
“I guess you do have a point.”
“I realize somethin’ else a few days ago.”
“What is that?”
“We ain’t shit. We been treatin’ our relations wit Anaar like a game, some competition, and he the prize to be won. Seein’ how much he do for us and how he feel ‘bout us, I reckon we ain’t been givin’ him a fair turn. I wonder how he might feel if he knew what we was doin’.”
Putting her hand to her mouth, “You are totally right… We are horrible friends! Anaar had never been one to get close to people before, and when he finally does, all we do is use him in the background without his knowledge! What kind of monsters are we?!”
“I guess we was in love. Least we thought we was. All my life I been the one to look after people. Hekiah been my whole life, just like Anaar mama been his. I been wonderin’ if maybe how I was feelin’ was like some mix of gratitude, and more like family love, like I got for Hekiah. I was learnin’ bout Psychology, and there is some mental thang called transference or somethin’ that is kinda what I think happened to me and Anaar. Ain’t nobody ever believe in me before, and Anaar was the first person to make me feel like I was special, and I was worth somethin’. He ain’t never give up on me, and he always seem like he wanted more for me than I want for myself. Cause of that I started catchin’ feelin’s for him, just cause I ain’t never knew what it was like to be gave no kinda love like dat. I mean there was my mama, but it seem like it is different when it is ya mama. They suppose to love ya right? When ya take he so damn good lookin’, and he want to spend time wit somebody like me, I guess it just all the right stuff in the wrong way. I ain’t gone lie, the shit still hurt, bein’ rejected twice, and I do still love him, but I think I’m comin
’ to understand what dat love is really ‘bout. Maybe dat’s why I ain’t doin’ so bad no more.”
“That’s actually really insightful Dan. I would like to say it is that same thing that caused my feelings, but I had feelings for Anaar before he warmed up to me, so I know that isn’t right. Since becoming so close with him though, I’m starting to think l may need to take the opportunity to explore what I feel if I allow myself to only love him like my best friend and brother. I don’t think I have ever genuinely done that. I may have said those words, but that was only in an attempt to hide how I was really feeling inside, in hopes he didn’t push me away. I wasn’t as brave as you were. I spent all my time hoping, because I was too afraid of what it would mean to try, and be rejected.”
“Well shit, we done both lost now, so ain’t no point in worryin’ bout it. Hell, not only dat, we done lost to prolly the worst person we could. Ain’t too many folks could come close to matchin’ Anaar in really anythang, but I’ll be damn if Phave ain’t tryin’. I like the dude, but I ain’t tryin’ to go against him in a fight. He’d fuck me all da way up. And he look better. I don’t think I’m no bad lookin’ dude, but shit, them two on another level. I kinda feel like if he would’a ended up wit somebody like me, they would have tried to lynch me or somethin’. Don’t help I’m a Earth Affinity neither.”
Divulgence (Song of Sophangence Book 2) Page 18