‘Are you? I don’t think so.’
‘Don’t tell me what I think.’
‘You didn’t give permission with your whole heart, Jason. Millie knew that.’
‘No, I didn’t give permission with my whole heart!’ he snapped. ‘I was coerced into it – by you, by Millie, by Tanya. I didn’t stand much of a chance, did I? That doesn’t mean I’m not sorry that Millie cancelled.’
Claudia shook her head. ‘You’ve made a mistake. It would’ve been better for Millie to do it this way. Who knows what she might do instead?’
Still raw from his scene with Millie, Jason didn’t fancy another bout of being told what a crap parent he was. ‘Don’t tell me about making mistakes. You made a pretty big one yourself.’
Claudia frowned. ‘What mistake?’
‘Millie overheard your little conversation with Sarah this afternoon.’ Satisfied when she looked crestfallen, Jason rubbed it in. ‘Won’t you ever learn to check who’s around before you speak? Don’t you think that gossip has already caused enough trouble around here?’
‘It wasn’t gossip. It was a conversation expressing genuine concern for your daughter. Sarah’s worried about her. I was trying to explain.’
‘Explain what? How I’m the big bad wolf? I didn’t ask you to unfriend my own daughter!’
‘I have not unfriended her. I know you disapprove of me getting too involved. You reminded me I’m not her mother. Funnily enough, I took that to mean you wanted me to spend less time with her. I was trying to back away, as kindly as I could.’
‘I’ve apologised for what I said, so don’t keep throwing it back at me. I’m tired of being the bad guy, Claudia. I’m tired of being blamed when I don’t give in over things I don’t agree with. And I’m tired of being blamed for wanting some control over what you fill my daughter’s head with!’
She looked at him, shocked. ‘You make it sound like I deliberately inveigled my way into your lives just so I could experiment with all my wild ideas on Millie. That is so unfair! I wasn’t looking to befriend a difficult fourteen-year-old. She was drawn to me. That was hardly my fault. I did the best I could with the situation.’
A noise in the hall made her stop. Worried, Jason held up a hand and went to check, but there was nobody there.
When he came back in and shook his head, Claudia went on, ‘I like Millie. I’ve enjoyed watching her drop that defensive armour bit by bit, so we could see the real girl underneath. I won’t apologise for wanting to help her.’ She sighed. ‘But you and me, Jason? We’ve been on this merry-go-round ever since we met. You don’t like something, I explain it, you grudgingly accept it… Rinse and repeat. Well, you know what? I’m done with that.’
Claudia proved her point by stalking out into the hall, slamming the front door, climbing into her car and backing out of his drive like a banshee.
Back in the kitchen, Jason didn’t even want toast now. He didn’t like that his apology had been tossed back in his face – he’d thought that Claudia’s compassion for his situation and their lovemaking the other night meant it had been accepted.
He knew there had been other instances where he’d expressed doubt about her ways and his desire to protect Millie, but he wasn’t happy that she’d made Millie miserable by being so distant with her – or that she’d discussed it with Sarah and allowed it to be overheard.
He sat for a while, his stomach roiling, then glanced at his watch. He’d told Millie to be back by nine. It was nine thirty. Texting her was no use, since her phone was staring at him from the kitchen counter.
His brain told him to leave it a while longer. His gut told him he couldn’t. He phoned Jessica’s landline – something he was now glad he’d insisted on Millie providing – and explained.
‘But we dropped her off about a quarter of an hour ago!’ Jessica’s mother said. ‘I watched her let herself in. Are you sure she didn’t go straight up to her room?’
‘I’ll check. Thank you. I’ll get back to you.’
Jason did check, but he knew in his gut that Millie wasn’t in the house. As he searched every room to be sure, his mind raced. While he and Claudia were talking, they’d heard a noise in the hall, but no one was there. Had Millie come in, then left again? Had she heard anything? And if so, what had she heard?
He phoned the first person he thought of – Claudia.
‘No, Jason, she’s not with me, but… Will you listen? Just meet me at the beach. We’ll start there.’
Claudia clicked off her phone, threw on trainers, sent an apologetic look at Pudding who’d been unceremoniously turfed off her lap, dashed down the steps from her flat and out onto the beach.
She had no idea where Millie might be, but the beach was as good a place as any to look. Jogging along, Claudia was glad of the street lamps dotted along the beach road that cast pools of light across the sand.
She spotted Millie at the rock where they had sat together the day Claudia taught her to listen to the waves, just as she heard a screech of brakes on the road above. Jason must have seen her jogging along and stopped to join her.
They converged on Millie together. Millie was immediately subjected to a fierce hug from Jason, followed by a tirade along the lines of what the hell did she think she was playing at and did she realise anything could have happened…? All to be expected, but not helpful, as far as Claudia could see.
Laying a hand on Jason’s arm to quiet him, Claudia said to Millie, ‘Perhaps you could wait in the car? Let me speak to your dad for a minute.’
Millie gave her a searing look that made Claudia wince before stomping off, tears and mascara streaming down her face. She’d heard something she shouldn’t have, that was for sure.
Jason rounded on Claudia. ‘Do you mind? I was in the middle of…’
‘Yelling at her? How helpful do you think that is?’
‘My daughter went missing in the dark without her phone, Claudia. I have a right to yell. She needs to understand…’
‘Jason, Millie did not go missing! She left the house for some breathing space because she was upset. You wouldn’t have been worried if she’d been walking home from a friend’s house, would you?’
‘No, because I would’ve known where she was, and besides, I would’ve picked her up at this time of night. She could have gone anywhere. Anything could have happened.’
‘But she didn’t, and it didn’t. She was here at the beach, the first place we looked, and not for long. She wasn’t in any danger. It’s well-lit here. There are people outside the pub and dog walkers on the beach. Porthsteren’s a safe place. You’re overreacting.’
‘Overreacting?’ He shook his head. ‘You think you’re so clever, don’t you? Knowing where she’d be.’
‘I didn’t know. I just guessed.’
But Jason wasn’t in a listening mood. ‘Have you any idea how sick this made me feel? The sheer dread that something might have happened to my daughter?’
‘Of course I have!’
His face was cold with fury. ‘No. You don’t. You really don’t, Claudia. You’ve never had kids. You have no idea what it’s like!’
And with that, he stormed off to join Millie in the car.
Claudia stood in the same spot until she saw his lights fading up the hill, then flopped down on the sand, ignoring the damp seeping through her jeans, hugging her knees to her chest.
Jason may as well have punched her. He knew how much she’d wanted a family; how it had all gone wrong for her. He was the only person in Cornwall apart from Tanya that she’d told. To have her confidences, her heartache, thrown in her face like that, when he knew how much it meant to her… She didn’t care how distraught he was. He’d crossed a red line, and she couldn’t see how they could ever come back from that.
When Sarah had asked her whether Jason was breaking up with her over Millie, Claudia hadn’t known how to answer.
She knew now. Whatever relationship she and Jason might have had simply couldn’t survive when one person co
uld be so thoughtless with the other’s feelings – no matter what the circumstances.
Jason and Millie drove home in silence, but when she tried to disappear off to her room, he grabbed her arm. ‘No way, young lady.’
She glared at him. ‘Oh. Sorry. Haven’t you finished shouting at me yet?’
No, I bloody well haven’t. But Claudia’s words were still ringing in his ears. ‘I won’t shout. Come and have some tea.’
To his surprise, Millie followed him into the kitchen and waited silently while he filled the kettle and made decaff – a small nod to Claudia. He was tired. He didn’t need caffeine keeping him awake all night.
He handed a mug to Millie. ‘Tell me why you ran off.’ When Millie remained mutinously quiet, he said, ‘Tell me what you heard.’
At that, the tears began to fall again. ‘That Claudia hadn’t wanted to befriend a difficult teenager. That it wasn’t her fault I wanted to spend time with her. That she was dealing with the situation as best she could.’
Jason sighed and sipped his tea. It burned his tongue, so he added more milk. ‘That was a small part of a bigger conversation, Millie. You heard the worst part. It’s out of context.’
‘I heard what I heard, Dad! You can’t put that in context.’
‘Yes, I can. Claudia said those things in her own defence, because I’d suggested she was taking over with you. What you didn’t hear was what she said afterwards – about how much she likes you.’ He frowned, trying to remember Claudia’s exact words, but he couldn’t. ‘About seeing you get better since you came down here. She’s enjoyed being a part of that.’ He watched his daughter struggling with emotion. ‘C’mon. Drink some tea.’
When Millie tried, the combination of that and the tears only made her hiccup.
‘Please don’t blame Claudia, Millie.’ Blame me. Might as well. You blame me for everything else. ‘What she was saying, if either of us tried to listen, was that she might not have been looking to befriend us, but she’s very glad she did. You, anyway.’
Most certainly not me. Not now.
Despite her exhaustion, as soon as she closed Healing Waves the next day, Claudia made the drive to Falmouth to pour out her frustration and misery to Tanya.
‘I’m tired of excusing his speak-before-you-think attitude. I’m tired of making allowances for what he’s been through; for his difficulties raising Millie on his own. I’m entitled to be spoken to in a civil manner by a man who’s supposed to care for me, surely?’
‘Yes.’ Tanya sighed. ‘I know we’re all prone to saying the wrong thing, but Jason does have a particular talent for it.’
‘I’m not talking about the odd faux pas here, Tanya. He crossed so many red lines last night.’
‘He touched a nerve, that’s all. He won’t realise how much having a family mattered to you.’
‘Tanya, I told him I left my husband because he wouldn’t have a family with me; because he was trying to cheat me out of having one. How hard can it be for Jason to work out that my chances are getting slimmer? That I’d have to start all over again; find someone interested in a family – someone who hasn’t already been there, done that and doesn’t want to do it all again?’ Claudia fought back tears. ‘I won’t hook up with someone just to have children. I need to be with the right man. I know a family might not happen for me. I don’t need it thrown in my face by someone I thought I was close to.’
‘He’d had a scare,’ Tanya soothed. ‘He said it in the heat of the moment.’
‘Jason has more heat-of-the-moment moments than any man I’ve ever met, and I’m tired of being the brunt of them.’
‘But isn’t that what attracts you to him, too?’ Tanya asked her bluntly. ‘His fire? His ability to express emotion?’ She swirled her wine in the glass. ‘Lee was a cold fish in comparison.’
‘That isn’t the point.’
‘Then what is the point, beyond him being thoughtless and saying the wrong thing?’
Claudia sighed. ‘He doesn’t trust me with his daughter. He never has. Oh, he’s occasionally indulged my attempts to help, but he considers it playing at best and interference at worst. He’ll always put Millie first.’
‘Yes. He will.’
Claudia stared at Tanya, shocked. ‘That’s harsh.’
Tanya gave her a sad smile. ‘Claudia, Jason will always be a father first and foremost, before he can be anything with or for you.’
‘I know that. And that’s the way it should be.’ Claudia’s voice hitched. ‘But it’s hard to know I’d always be second best.’
‘Not be second best. Just come second in a clinch, maybe. Jason knows how much you’ve done for Millie. You sold yourself short once, with Lee. Don’t ever do it again.’
‘Huh. Who needs positive affirmations when they have a friend like you?’
‘I’m only saying what Jason should say but hasn’t. He cares about you, Claudia, but he’s been putting his daughter first for so long, he doesn’t know how to release the stranglehold that has him in.’
Even though Jason had smoothed things over with Millie a little – she was at least talking to him in monosyllables – she still spent most of Sunday in her room.
He spent the day out on the decking, staring out to sea, running over his conversation with Claudia on the beach, trying to justify what he’d said. Some of it, he could; some of it, he couldn’t. The parts he couldn’t… He might as well have his lips sewn together so this never happened again because, once more, he’d gone too far. Would she accept yet another apology, or had he run out of credits?
Only one way to find out.
But when he took an evening walk down the hill and along the beach, Claudia’s lights were off, and the only answer to his knock was Pudding shooting through the cat flap to rub his head against Jason’s legs and mew loudly, hoping an extra food delivery had appeared.
‘Can’t help you, mate,’ Jason said, tickling his ears. ‘No access.’ To the flat or your mistress. ‘At least she’s still talking to you. Probably won’t talk to me ever again.’
That thought depressed Jason more than he could say, haunting him through waking patches in the night and following him into his working day.
When Tanya phoned him not long after he’d got to work, he was in the middle of a convoluted discussion with a colleague, but when he saw the caller display, he immediately said, ‘Sorry, I have to take this’ and went outside.
Tanya was not complimentary. When Jason managed to get a word in edgeways, he pointed out that he’d tried to see Claudia last night but she’d obviously been busy slinging insults at him in Falmouth.
‘Then you’d better try again. And don’t mess it up!’ And to make sure he didn’t, Tanya provided him with a long list of what had upset Claudia and how to put it right. By the end of the call, his head was spinning.
He’d be lucky if it was still on his shoulders by the time Claudia finished with him.
Chapter Twenty-Four
‘Ms Bennett. Good morning.’
‘Morning, Officer. Can I get you some tea?’
No customers in the shop at the moment, thank goodness. Police presence probably isn’t good for business.
The policeman looked at the jar of leaves Claudia held up and said, ‘Er. No, thanks. Just had coffee. I brought this. It’s addressed to you, but it was left at the police station by a distraught woman with a disturbing story. Would you mind opening it, please?’
‘Distraught woman?’ Claudia asked, panicked. ‘What distraught woman?’
‘Alice Walters.’
‘Alice?’ She snatched the envelope from him. ‘You didn’t read it?’
‘It is addressed to you, miss.’
With shaking fingers, Claudia opened the letter.
Dear Claudia
By the time you read this, I will be on my way to… a long way away. I want to thank you for all you’ve done for me. I know I haven’t always been good company. But you were always kind. I admired you for making a new start, op
ening your shop in Porthsteren, away from whatever life it was you wanted to leave. Well, it’s my turn to do the same. I know you suspected George of things – things he didn’t do. But I’m so sorry for what he did do, on account of me. The police will explain.
Alice
The officer waited patiently before asking, ‘May I read it now?’
‘Please.’ Claudia handed it over. When he’d folded it back into the envelope, she said, ‘Tell me.’
‘Alice called at the station this morning. She’d waited until her husband went to work. She had a suitcase. She was leaving him. She told us he’d caused the damage to your shop.’
Claudia stared at him. ‘George did those things? But why on earth…?’
‘She told us he’d never approved of her frequenting your shop or your other wotsits – workshops, meditation.’
‘I knew that. But that’s just disapproval.’
‘It went much deeper than that, Ms Bennett. He thought you were a bad influence. Lately, he felt that Alice had changed. And then, a couple of weeks ago, he found her journal. She told us she bought the notebook here.’
So Alice was writing a journal, after all.
‘He read it. There was a lot about how much she liked your shop; how much she enjoyed the meditations. Towards the end, she wrote about wanting to leave him.’
‘Oh no.’
‘He burned it. Threw out everything he could find that she’d bought from you – crystals and the like. In his mind, everything began to go wrong when you came to Porthsteren. He decided you needed to be scared away or put out of business. He’d hoped the symbols would turn people against you. When they didn’t work, he had to go further.’
‘You’ve spoken to him, then?’
‘Yes. We picked him up at work. He confessed straight away – he was so angry when we told him his wife had left and reported him, it all came pouring out.’
Claudia sat down, her legs numb. ‘I don’t believe it! So when Alice came to you, she already knew?’
The Little Shop in Cornwall: A heartwarming and feel good beach read Page 31