by M. J. Haag
“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked.
“Not well. I think I killed you twice.”
“Good to know I’ll be one of your targets if you turn.”
I gave him a look just as Mom rolled into the kitchen with Uan not far behind.
“Stop teasing your sister, Zachy,” Mom said.
He grinned and took a big bite of his steak. Mom looked at me with concern.
“You okay?” she asked.
She’d freaked out when I told her what happened and showed her the bite bruise. But, she didn’t try to tell me I shouldn’t go out again or try to keep Zach home. Supplies were necessary to live.
“I’m fine,” I said, lying.
The idea of going out again made my hands shake. I knew it would just be easier to let the fey do everything for us, but that was setting us up for failure. My family and I were adapting with the world as it changed. Hiding away would just make it harder when we had to gather for ourselves. And, we would at some point. I’d already seen a few other fey pairing up with single women and gathering just for them. Eventually, it would be every family for itself.
Zach and I hurried to finish breakfast so we could arrive at the wall just before first light. The same number of humans were there despite what happened yesterday. Since they hadn’t been bitten, it made sense.
Zach stopped me in the middle of the street before we reached the group.
“You’re not fine, and you know it,” he said quietly. “I can feel you shaking. If you go, your fear will put us all at risk. Give yourself today.”
“And let you go out alone?”
“I won’t be alone,” he said, tilting his head toward the group.
Ryan noticed us then.
“Morning,” he called. “You two ready?”
Zach and I closed the distance to the group.
“I’m staying back today,” I said.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Just a little bruised. Nothing that will keep me benched for too long.”
He nodded and glanced at Zach. “We’ll stick together.”
“Thanks,” I said.
I watched everyone leave, not noticing Thallirin by the wall until it was just us.
“Not going today?” I asked, walking toward him.
“There’s no need.”
I glanced away uncomfortably, knowing it was because I hadn’t gone. My discomfort and annoyance didn’t remove my need to say what needed to be said, though.
“Thank you,” I said, looking at him again. “I know I’ve been rude in my rejections, but that didn’t stop you from helping me. If not for you, I’d be dead. The headless kind of dead.”
He turned his head, looking away from me for a moment. Before I could wonder why, I saw an oozing bite on his neck.
I hissed out a sympathetic breath.
“I’m sorry, Thallirin. I was so caught up in what happened to me I never thought to ask if you were okay. You should really go to Cassie’s to get that bite cleaned up.”
His steady gaze claimed mine, making me nervous as he continued to say nothing. I hated when he just watched. Feeling nervous was as bad as feeling fear.
“Well, um. Just…thanks. I’ll see you around.”
I hightailed it out of there.
Briefly, I considered going to the wall to guard, but Zach was right about giving myself time. I needed to think of something else besides survival for today. Before the quakes, when I’d wanted a break from life, I would binge watch some TV. TV was out, but we had a whole stack of movies.
My steps quickened as I neared the house. I wondered if Uan had ever watched Pretty Woman.
I opened the door and took one step into the house before freezing. The faint sounds coming from Mom’s bedroom made my mouth drop. Her gasping squeals and Uan’s echoing grunts and groans had me backing up and carefully shutting the door again.
I stared at the dark panel in shock.
My mom was having sex. With Uan. Vigorously.
“You knew it was going to happen,” I said to myself.
But I hadn’t considered that I’d hear it. Ever.
Having the option of a day watching movies shockingly ripped away from me, I turned and wandered away from the house. Briefly, I wondered if my close call yesterday pushed Mom to rush into having sex with Uan. Just as quickly as the thought occurred, I brushed it away. Based on the sounds she’d been making, she was having a good time. A really good time. There wasn’t a lot of pleasure to be had in this world anymore, and I was glad she’d grabbed some for herself, no matter what the reason.
When was the last time I’d had that level of a good time? I struggled to remember. I’d had two boyfriends where the relationship had progressed far enough for sex, and I’d liked it well enough. Then Van had happened. Right now, the idea of sleeping with anyone didn’t spark any interest in me, and I doubted it ever would again.
I walked for several minutes before it dawned on me that I had nowhere to go. Stopping in the center of the street, I looked around at the houses, lost.
A crunch of snow behind me had me pivoting.
Thallirin was there, watching me. I studied his expression, wondering what was going through his head, and decided to ask.
“I can never tell what you’re thinking. Your expression doesn’t seem to change. Are you mad?”
“No.”
“So what are you thinking?”
“You look worried. Why?”
I found it kind of funny we were both speculating about each other’s thoughts. Since I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him I just busted my mom and Uan having sex or that I was debating if I would ever have nice sex again, I settled for a safer topic.
“I…uh…how’s your bite? Did Cassie clean it up?”
“No. She is with her children.”
“You should really get it looked at. It could get infected. At least go home and take a shower?”
I tried to say it nicely so he didn’t feel like I was trying to get rid of him. But, I kind of was. As much as I appreciated what he’d done yesterday, I did not want to spend my day with him trailing behind me.
“I do not have a home.”
That brought my errant thoughts to a halt.
“Where do you sleep?”
“Outside.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“No.”
“Are you always this serious and literal?”
“Yes.”
I shook my head and knew what I needed to do even if I didn’t like it.
“Come on. Let’s find you a house where you can at least shower and wash that bite.”
I looked around at the houses, wondering who would be willing to let a fey in. Probably another fey.
“This way,” Thallirin said, taking charge before I could decide a direction.
I followed him to Hannah and Emily’s house. It was a choice that surprised me until I saw Merdon standing outside, leaning against a tree in Hannah’s front yard.
“Hey, Merdon,” I said. “Do you—”
The door opened.
“Brenna!” Hannah called. “Come in here. You can help me.”
I tore my gaze from Merdon’s scowl and looked at Hannah as she swayed on her feet.
“What do you need help with?” I asked.
“Finishing this.” She held up a bottle of tequila, and I smiled.
“That’s perfect. Thanks, Hannah.” I looked at Thallirin. “Come on.”
He followed me to the house, and Hannah frowned at him.
“Are you going to poop on my party?” she asked, blocking the door.
“He won’t,” I said. “But he does need to use your shower. Is that okay?”
She shrugged.
“Sure. Come on in.”
She swept her arm aside and gestured for us to enter. The house felt toasty warm as I stepped in. Taking off my shoes, I looked around the space. There was a dining room table set up in the middle of the room with a chair pushed aside ne
ar the TV, which was playing a movie.
“How much do you want?” Hannah asked, holding up the bottle.
“At least a half a glass,” I said, smiling at her. “Thanks so much for inviting us in. Where’s the bathroom?”
She waved a hand down the hall then wandered in the direction of the kitchen.
“Go ahead and shower,” I said. “Call me when you’re done and dressed again. I’ll help you disinfect the bite.”
He glanced at me, then Hannah. I could see his shoulders rise and fall in a deep breath.
“Go ahead and say what you want to say,” I said.
“It is nothing.”
He walked away from me, and I stared after him. I didn’t like it when people hedged around what they wanted to say. Blunt honesty might hurt a little, but it took a lot of guesswork out of trying to figure out what people really meant by their long looks or sullen silences.
“Well, damn,” Hannah said. “How’d you get him to not be bossy? Because Merdon needs a lesson in shutting his mouth.”
I looked at Hannah as she wove her way toward me, a half-filled glass in one hand and the bottle in the other.
“That’s a pretty dress,” I said.
She looked down at her dress, and I gently removed the bottle from her grip while she was distracted.
“I haven’t worn anything pretty in ages,” I continued, fibbing. “Here, take a seat. I want to feel like a real person for a while. Do you mind if I pour myself a glass?”
“Go for it,” she said with a wave of her hand, the half-glass she was still holding for me already forgotten.
Hannah wasn’t the first drunk I’d manipulated. Before the quakes, Mom had occasionally gotten down on herself. It hadn’t happened since the quakes, but I figured it was more due to the scarcity of booze than an improvement in circumstances.
I went to Hannah’s kitchen and checked the cupboards for glasses. I found a cache of tequila bottles and a decent store of food.
“You have chips,” I called. “Wanna break them out?” They were the plain potato kind but better than nothing.
“Sure,” she said.
I poured myself half of a glass of tequila and grabbed a clean kitchen towel and the chips. Her eyes were closed when I returned to the table.
“Here’s the chips. Looks like you need a refresher. Let me add a little more to your glass.”
She opened her eyes to look at me as I took her drink and returned to the kitchen.
“So, where’s your roommate?” I asked, covering the noise of the running faucet as I filled a new glass with water. I set the alcohol aside, not wanting to waste it.
“Emily’s visiting James and Mary. The old people.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard of James and Mary. Haven’t seen them much.”
“Nah, it’s too cold for them. And they’re too old to go out for supplies. The fey are good about getting stuff for them, though. James likes his scotch, but the fey can’t read. So, I trade him for whatever he doesn’t want.” Hannah let out a small snort, like she found that funny, before continuing. “Mya doesn’t know what the fey are bringing James and Mary. Even if she did, I doubt the fey would stop. Mary likes cooking for them. They always have a handful of fey over for dinner.”
“That sounds nice.” I came back to the table and set her drink down. “Try that with the chips. The chips will be saltier.”
I opened the bag and handed her a chip. She ate it and took a drink of her water and nodded.
“It’s good.”
“Have some more.” I took out a handful and munched happily while considering Hannah’s setup. She and Emily had it made. They had to be around my age and had a place of their own.
“What did you have to do to get your own house?” I asked.
“Watch my family die.” She ate another chip slowly and stared at the table. I wasn’t sure what to say to her, so I let the silence grow.
A door opened down the hall, and I looked up at Thallirin with relief. His dark, wet hair was pulled back from his neck, exposing the bite. It was hard to focus on the wound, though, when he wore no shirt. I took in the enormous breadth of his shoulders and chest. He’d always seemed too large and intimidating to me. Shirtless, he was more so. And I would have been freaking out about his motivation for the shirtlessness if I couldn’t see the reason for it with my own eyes. His torso was covered in bites, too.
“Damn,” Hannah said, looking at Thallirin. “You have more scars than Mary has wrinkles.”
Thallirin looked away, the tips of his ears darkening. The way his hand tightened on his shirt and how he shifted his weight spoke volumes. He was nervous, embarrassed, and considering running. The idea that the guy, who never seemed to experience any emotion other than anger, was feeling the same things I often felt around him was weird. It also tripped my guilt a little.
“Eat your chips, Hannah,” I said.
I stood, turned the chair, and gestured to the seat while looking at Thallirin.
“Unlike the infected, I won’t bite.”
He moved toward me, his steps measured like he was debating the wisdom of his decision.
“I think receiving the bites was the worst part,” I said, setting a consoling hand on his shoulder.
The skin under my palm radiated an insane amount of heat. So much that I slid my hand over his shoulder in awe.
He turned his head ever so slowly to look at me. A shiver ran through him. Too late, I understood the significance of what I’d done. While the fey willingly carried humans for supply runs, very rarely were the fey willingly touched by a human. And a woman’s touch was something they all dreamed of.
Removing my hand, I mumbled an apology and grabbed the cloth and alcohol.
“Disinfecting them with this should be enough.” I added, “I hope,” under my breath.
He held still as I dabbed the tequila-soaked towel against each bite. I counted seventeen wounds by the time I reached the one on his neck.
“Does it hurt?” I asked. “The alcohol?”
“It stings.”
I wouldn’t have guessed it because he hadn’t moved a muscle the entire time.
“Why do you wear a jacket? The rest of the fey seem fine with shirts or nothing at all. And you seem pretty warm to me. Do you get colder than the rest of the fey?”
“No. My scars scare people.”
He was covering up to be less scary? That just made me a little sad for him because it wasn’t the scars that made him scary. It was him. All of him. His largeness. The intensity of his observant gaze. The way a person never knew what he was thinking. But, all of that seemed a whole lot less scary seeing the way he still nervously gripped his shirt.
Finished, I stepped back.
“You’re all set.”
Picking up the cup I’d used, I saw Hannah had her head on the table, out cold.
“We should put her in bed. She’s probably going to sleep all day.”
Thallirin put on his shirt while I got rid of the towel and cup since I didn’t think either should be reused. He picked Hannah up carefully when I returned and followed me upstairs. I picked a bedroom at random and stepped aside for him. The way he set Hannah down gently, even taking the time to adjust the pillow under her head and brush her hair back from her face, seemed so out of character for a man who tried to boss me around at every turn. Then, again, I hadn’t ever seen him interact with any other woman. It was always just me.
“Why me?” I asked when he turned. “Why not Hannah or some other girl?”
He straightened away from Hannah and looked at me. The beat of silence stretched to the point where I thought he wouldn’t answer. When he did, it was low and almost angry.
“Many lifetimes ago, Merdon and I were banished, sent to live alone in the caves apart from our brothers. They would not look at us or speak to us. We were dead to them.
“We existed in silence. Always alert, hunted by the hellhounds. Always alone.”
He slowly crossed the roo
m, stalking me. I retreated into the hall, thinking he meant to leave. Instead, he backed me against the wall. Just like on the ladder, he set his hands on the wall on each side of my head. He didn’t touch me, but I still felt boxed in. Trapped. I fought to focus on what he was saying and not my growing panic.
“Coming to the surface was a chance to end our isolation. A chance for redemption in the eyes of our brothers. Merdon and I thought the humans we found were pathetic in their weakness.”
He tilted his head, studying my face.
“You are not pathetic, Brenna, and have more power than you know. It wasn’t until we learned Drav had discovered a female that we thought to want something more than redemption. But I learned quickly I would not have a female of my own. Women look at me with fear and turn away in disgust.”
The way he continued to study me made me nervous.
“The first time you saw me, you didn't look away. You met my gaze. There was no fear in your eyes.
“You gave me hope.” He looked away from me then. “I have heard your words, Brenna. I know you do not want me as I want you. When you look at me without fear, I tell myself your gaze means nothing and try to kill the hope that you might someday change your mind. But, like a hellhound, the hope refuses to die.”
With a last look at me, he walked down the hall, and the front door opened and closed.
I stood there, trying to process what had just happened. His admission made me feel cruel. He’d been shunned and feared by all the other women he’d laid eyes on before me.
I might not have looked at him with fear in my eyes, but I’d still felt it. How many times had I told him to leave me alone because of it?
My guilt grew stronger at the realization that he was as desperate for me to notice him as something more than a big, scarred, scary fey as I’d been to have him stop noticing me.
What was I supposed to do now?
From the bedroom, Hannah said, “Don’t worry, Brenna. Everything dies.”
Chapter Nine
Swearing softly, I rushed to put on my jacket and boots and yanked the front door open. However, I didn’t see Thallirin anywhere. Tolerance was big, but not that big.