by M. J. Haag
“Are you embarrassed?”
He grunted, and I felt a small amount of pity for the guy. Like Angel had pointed out, I was probably the first girl he ever liked.
“Don’t be embarrassed. Just be honest. Do you want to have sex with me?”
“We shouldn’t be talking about this,” he said, his face getting even darker.
Realization hit me.
“Because I’m not eighteen yet?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Thank you for clarifying. I thought talking about sex was embarrassing you.”
“No.”
“Once I’m eighteen, do you hope to have sex with me?”
His gaze met mine. The intensity there was more than a little intimidating.
“I don’t want to scare you.”
“I’m not afraid of sex.”
“You think I’ll rape you.”
I exhaled heavily and considered him for a moment.
“I was angry and afraid because you were trying to control my options and taking away my freedom of choice. I need to choose who I’m with as much as the other person has the right to choose me. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“If you want sex, and I tell you I don’t want sex, would you force me to have sex anyway?”
“No.”
“Would you try to bribe me with food or manipulate me into having sex?”
“Never.”
“What about forcing me to do other things? Like staying home instead of going on supply runs? Or sitting inside a house when I don’t want to?”
He leaned forward in his chair, bracing his hands on his legs.
“I don’t want to take your choices from you ever, Brenna. But I will not hesitate to do so if you are in danger. I didn’t ask to hold you in my arms when the infected were attacking. I did it anyway. I didn’t ask to look at your leg. I needed to be sure you were safe. I will not take your choices, but I will not sacrifice your safety for your pride.”
I blinked at him for a moment, trying to decide if I needed to be offended or properly reassured. I went for reassured.
“It’s not pride, Thallirin. It’s fear. You say you don’t see it in my eyes, but it’s here inside of me. I’m afraid of you, not because of your scars but because of the power you could have over me if you wanted.”
He looked down, and a small smile tugged at his lips. It was the first expression outside of his normal, cold detachment I’d ever seen on him.
“What’s funny about that?” I asked.
“That you think I have any power over you. You control me, Brenna. Not the other way around.”
I considered him for a long moment, liking the idea of holding power over someone like him. It made me feel safer. But was it true? He’d just admitted there were times he would override my choices. But when it came to sex, I didn’t think he would. In that one instance, I truly believed that I would have the power and freedom of choice.
Elation, almost to the point of tears, filled me as I studied him. For the first time, I saw him for what he was. My protector, whether I wanted him or not.
The sound of a plane flying low over the houses had me looking at the window. When I glanced back at Thallirin, he was watching me again.
“What’s your favorite food since coming to the surface?” I asked, trying to make good on my vow to get to know him.
“Meat.”
“What food do you miss from back home?”
“None.”
“Really? Nothing.” He shook his head. “Okay. What do you do to relax and have fun?”
“I do nothing.”
“You mean you literally just sit and do nothing to relax, or you haven’t found anything fun and relaxing yet?”
“I haven’t found anything. Why are you asking these questions?”
“I meant what I said. I want to get to know you and to try to be friends, but I don’t want you to read more into that than there is. It’s just friends.”
He nodded once.
“Do you want to watch a movie with me?” I asked.
He grunted, and I smiled. I could deal with his short-term goal of companionship, and as long as he understood my stance on his long-term goal, which he’d aptly said was his burden, not mine, we’d be fine. He’d given me enough information to feel more comfortable around him and to think that Angel was probably right. He was bossy and just didn’t know how to act around me. And, that was something that would change the more time we spent together.
I got up and picked a movie from Uan’s selection and settled in for some TV time like I’d planned hours ago.
Thallirin barely moved throughout the movie. I knew that because I glanced at him often, trying to gauge if he was having a good time or not. He didn’t laugh at any funny scenes; he just sat there. When the credits rolled, I stood and put the movie away.
It was far too early to go home without potentially catching mom in a compromising situation, again.
“Do you think Uan would mind if we raided his kitchen for some food?” I asked.
“He will not mind.”
Thallirin followed me to the kitchen. I started opening doors at random while Thallirin shadowed me.
“Check those cupboards over there,” I said, pointing. “If it’s in a bag, I’m interested. If it’s in a can, keep looking.”
Since we were raiding Uan’s supply, I felt no guilt about eating the good stuff. He owed me after what I heard earlier.
“There are bags here,” Thallirin said.
I closed the door to the cupboard full of canned meats and glanced at Thallirin’s find. The shelf was full of junk food.
With a squeal, I crossed the room and reached around him to snag a bag of cheesy curls. I wasn’t thinking beyond my next junk food fix. That my chest had rubbed against Thallirin’s arm didn’t register until I was already two steps away from him and tearing into the bag.
He stood where he’d been, in front of the cupboard, the tips of his ears darkened.
The move hadn’t been intentional, and the contact brief at best, but the way he continued to stand there like I’d stabbed him made me wonder what the contact really meant to him. I knew the fey craved female attention. Just talking to them made their day. Touching them could put them over the moon. Until recently, Thallirin hadn’t spent much time in Tolerance. Was this the first time anyone had ever casually touched him?
“Are you okay?” I asked.
He grunted but stayed where he was, his hand gripping the cabinet door.
“I can’t decide if that grunt means ‘run for your life’ or ‘everything’s fine.’”
“Everything is fine,” he rasped, his voice rougher than usual.
“We both know that’s not the truth based on how you’re gripping that handle. Are you upset because I brushed up against you? Embarrassed?”
“No.”
“Did my boob touching you freak you out because I’m not eighteen?”
“No.”
I munched on a cheese curl while considering him, then took another one and offered it to him.
“I’m not good at guessing. It’d be easier if you just told me what you’re thinking.”
He turned his head, meeting my gaze, then bit the little snack from my fingers, somehow managing to use his tongue in the process. It was warm against my fingers, and I felt it all the way to my toes.
I stared at him, guessing where his thoughts were because of the accidental brush, and I was no longer sure everything was okay. Not because of him, but because of the way my stomach had somersaulted at the feel of his tongue against the pad of my finger.
“We should watch another movie,” I said.
“Yes.”
The cupboard knob was deformed when he released it.
Chapter Ten
Thallirin’s hand closed over my arm, halting my hasty retreat to the living room.
“Why are you afraid?” he asked.
“Why would you think I’m afraid?”
In the reflection of the television screen, I watched him tilt his head at me.
“I can hear your heart. It beats almost as quickly as when we were on the roof.”
“When I was afraid I’d been bitten.”
He grunted, and this time, I knew it was in agreement. Reluctantly, I turned and looked up at him.
“You liked it when I brushed up against you.”
“I did.”
“How much?”
“I would give anything to have you do it again…when you’re old enough.”
I took a deep, slow breath, considering what that meant. He was being clear and honest with me about his feelings. He wanted me as a man wants a woman, but he had also told me his wants weren’t my problem. Over eighteen or under eighteen, he wasn’t going to force me in any way. All of that reassured me immeasurably. What didn’t reassure me was the way my pulse was now racing and the way my gaze dipped to his mouth. Was my age protecting me or hindering me?
I wasn’t sure I was ready to consider that question in depth.
“If you’re worried that I’m afraid of you because of what happened in the kitchen, I’m not. And I’d rather not talk about why my heart isn’t behaving as it should right now. Let’s just focus on spending some non-hostile time together.”
He released me to take the snack that I handed him, and I moved to find another movie. Looking at the titles didn’t distract me from the cause of my racing pulse.
Like a switch had been turned on, I couldn’t stop feeling his tongue against my finger. It was messing with my head. After what had happened at the bunker, I’d thought any sexual type of feelings had been killed. But, apparently, I’d been wrong. Why Thallirin, though? Was it because he was the first one to touch me like that since I’d been rescued?
When I turned back to him, he was standing where I’d left him.
“Do you want to sit next to me?” I asked.
He tilted his head and studied me for a moment.
“What do you want?” he asked.
Another strong surge of relief swept through me. He’d truly understood all my talk about choices.
“I’d like to try sitting next to you if that’s okay.”
“Yes.”
He sat on the couch, and I put in another movie then joined him. A full couch cushion separated us, and I was okay with that. Yet, instead of watching the opening scene, I studied him, noticing more than I ever had before.
Scars crisscrossed his face. Some lighter and smaller, some darker and bigger. They continued down his neck, and I knew from seeing him shirtless that he had them elsewhere, too. I wanted to ask why he was so marked when fey supposedly healed miraculously but knew he was sensitive about them.
Seeing beyond the scars, I studied his features. He was handsome with his dark grey skin, arched brows, strong chin, and sculpted nose. The pointed ears were a little distracting, but I was growing more used to the sight of them by the day.
“Thallirin?”
He looked at me.
“Never mind,” I said, having glimpsed the color of his eyes. Dark green edged the deep yellow of his irises.
Why was I paying attention to all of these details now? I turned toward the TV and tried to forget my weird reaction to him when he’d licked my finger.
We watched the second movie together with no other conversation. When it finished, I set the half-eaten bag of junk food aside and swiveled on the couch so I faced him again.
“I don’t know about you, but I could go for some real food. Would you like to come over for dinner?”
“Yes.”
“Please don’t read into this invitation and go back to acting like you own me.”
He looked down, that rueful smile reappearing.
“What?” I asked.
His smile vanished as he met my gaze.
“I will never own you, Brenna. You own me.”
Uncomfortable, I stood and went to the kitchen. I didn’t want to own Thallirin.
I reached for the damaged knob, my fingers tracing the evidence of how much Thallirin wanted me. My stomach did a weird, twisting flip, and my heart joined in. What was wrong with me?
I opened the cupboard and put the snack food away. When I turned, Thallirin was only a few steps behind me.
“I think it should be safe enough to head back to my house now.”
We left Uan’s and walked side by side down the street. The long stares our companionable stroll drew from the meandering fey had me shaking my head. By the end of the day, Thallirin would be inundated with questions about how he’d changed my mind.
It took a few minutes to reach home since I wasn’t in any rush. And when we got there, I rang the doorbell instead of just letting myself in. Uan answered the door almost immediately.
“Hey, Uan,” I said. “Zach back yet?”
“Yes,” he said, moving aside so we could enter.
I put away my things and went to the kitchen. My eyes widened at the sight of the boxes spread all over the place. Mom and Zach were sorting through all the food the boxes contained.
“I take it today went well,” I said, looking at Zach.
“For me. Do you know you have a shadow?”
I glanced at Thallirin, who stood back, watching us.
“Yeah. Mom, this is Thallirin. Thallirin, this is my mom, Nancy. I hope it’s okay I invited him to dinner.”
“Of course,” Mom said, studying me. “Is that why you rang the doorbell?”
I slowly shook my head.
“As you probably already know, I didn’t go on the supply run today.”
“Oh.” I could see by her face that she knew exactly what had happened and why I’d used the doorbell.
“I’m sorry about that, sweetie. Had I known...”
I waved my hand at her.
“Don’t worry about it. Thallirin and I hung out at Uan’s and watched some movies. It was good.”
She smiled and glanced at Thallirin again.
“We’re having roast tonight. I think you’ll like it.” She looked at Zach. “Let’s put all of this in the living room for now. I’m not sure what we’ll do with a case of adult diapers, but maybe someone can use them.”
“Adult diapers?” I asked, looking at Zach.
“There was so much stuff that Uan and I just some grabbed boxes and came home.”
“Where did you go?” I went to the cupboard for dishes while Uan, Zach, and Thallirin began to move boxes.
“Harrisonville again. There was a distribution center south of town, way off the highway. A fey spotted it last night, but Ryan figured there would be too many infected. However, given the trap they set for us in town, he decided we should try it. There were only a handful of infected in the place. Slower ones. There was so much stuff we filled the supply trucks in less than an hour. One of the guys from Tenacity knew how to drive a semi-truck. So, we filled up the trailer of one by the loading dock and brought back as much as we could.”
Mom set the table, and I brought over the food. When the guys were finished moving everything to the living room, they joined us.
“And get this,” Zach said, taking the lid off the slow cooker to fork himself a hunk of roast. “Matt would only take thirty percent from what we fit in the three trucks we borrowed.” He passed the meat fork to Uan. “Granted, we crammed as many of us as we could in the cab of every vehicle in order to pack supplies in the truck the humans rode in, but still. A full semi-trailer’s worth of supplies came here. There wasn’t enough room on the shelves of the supply shed for everything we brought back.”
“That’s great,” I said, helping myself to some carrots and potatoes. “About the supplies, not about Matt. Why did he refuse more?”
“I think he’s keeping to the rules so people know not to expect handouts instead of working.”
It made sense.
I took a bite, enjoying the vegetables. I’d eaten too many cheese curls.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I ate
some of your food today, Uan,” I said after swallowing. “I didn’t want to come back and bug you guys.”
“You are welcome to any food I have,” he said. “It will be my turn to go on supply runs soon, and I will bring more.” He glanced at Mom. “In a few days.”
She blushed, and Zach and I shared a look.
“So, Thallirin and I heard the plane fly overhead today,” I said, changing the subject.
“We did, too,” Mom said.
“Oh, yeah. Matt said they spotted some signs of survivors to the southeast,” Zach said. “They want a group to go out tomorrow to look for them instead of going on a supply run.”
One day without me, and Zach had all the interesting news.
“Are they looking for volunteers for that?” I asked.
Zach shook his head.
“They’re keeping it small. Just Ryan, Richard, and Garrett to represent the humans. Looks like tomorrow’s another day off.”
I rolled over in bed and tacoed the pillow around my head. It didn’t muffle the sounds coming from the room next door, though.
I regretted not leaving with Thallirin right after dinner. I should have offered to take a shift at the wall or something. Anything would have been better than listening to Mom and Uan have “quiet” sex all night.
Giving up on sleep, I tossed my pillow aside and slipped a pair of jeans on over my sleep shorts. My door opened soundlessly, and the noises continued as I crept down the hall. In the dim kitchen light, I wrote a quick note that I’d gone to Uan’s for the night. I wasn’t doing it to guilt Mom. She’d understand the note was so she wouldn’t worry that I’d just disappeared.
Making as little noise as possible, I tossed my jacket over my tank top and slid my bare feet into my boots, not planning on being in the cold for long. I slipped outside and jogged down the road that led to Uan’s place. I read the house numbers as I moved, counting them down until I found the right one. The neighborhood was quiet as I let myself inside.
In the dark, I kicked off my boots and tossed my jacket in the direction of the hooks. Then, I felt around for a light switch. I’d only explored the living room and kitchen and had no idea where the bedrooms were. I really hoped Uan had a decent bed.