by M. J. Haag
Still shunning clothes, I went to look for Thallirin. He was sitting on the couch. No lights. No TV. Just sitting there.
I flicked on the nearest lamp.
“You okay?” I asked.
He glanced at me then went back to staring at the dark TV.
“Please dress, Brenna.”
“I will if you can look at me and tell me that my nudity is offending.”
He fisted his hands and remained quiet.
I moved closer to him, standing by his knees.
“Will you let me try something?” I asked.
He nodded, not even questioning what I wanted to try. I modestly sat on his lap, draping my legs to one side and hooking my arm around his shoulder. His back twitched under my fingers.
Heart thundering in my ears, I gently turned his head toward me. I vaguely recalled kissing—well, licking more than kissing—him last night and liking it. I needed to know if that had been a real emotion or a drunken one.
Slowly closing the distance between us, I brushed my lips against his. A jolt of pleasure darted through my stomach at the same time he stopped breathing. His lips were firm and warm as I brushed mine against them once more. Heat continued to spiral inside of me, and I daringly opened my mouth to graze his lower lip with my tongue. He groaned. I didn’t stop. I nipped and nibbled until, with a growl, Thallirin’s arms wrapped around me.
He opened his mouth, and his tongue met mine. All thought fled at the contact.
He leaned over me, taking control and claiming what he’d known was his since the beginning. My heart hammered against my ribs, and I made a small sound of satisfaction as I dug my fingers into his hair. He was gentle yet demanding. Ridiculously strong while also achingly tender with each subtle touch.
Just as quickly as it started, it stopped. I found myself alone on the couch with Thallirin sitting in the far chair.
“Will you dress now?” he asked, his voice a tormented rasp.
Numbly, I reached up and touched my lips. All of me felt tingly and on fire. I’d never been more turned on in my life. What I’d felt during last night’s drunken kiss had only been a liquor-muted shadow of what I now felt.
I wasn’t broken forever. With Thallirin, it seemed I was whole and, more importantly, very willing.
Panting, I studied him for a minute. His pupils were dilated and the tips of his ears were such a dark grey they looked black. His hungry gaze pinned me, and based on the way he leaned forward as if he wanted to launch himself across the room again, his white-knuckled grip on the chair was the only thing keeping him in place. Yet, despite all the desire I saw, he looked tormented, like I’d pushed him too far.
I went to my room and closed the door to do as he’d asked. However, after putting on my sleep shorts and top, I sat on the bed and stared at the dresser in growing concern. What was I doing? I’d been very plain in what I wanted, but what about what Thallirin wanted? He’d made that plain, too, and I’d ignored it. Had I just used that kiss as extortion to see me dressed again?
Standing, I changed out of my sleepwear and got fully dressed. I needed to apologize, then clear my head.
Thallirin was still in his chair when I returned.
“I’m sorry I pushed you,” I said. “I’m going to go to Mom’s for dinner. Is it okay if I come back here when I’m done?”
He stood and stalked toward me, looking a bit more angry than usual.
“You’re leaving?”
“Yeah. I thought you might want a little quiet time without me.”
His arms wrapped around me, holding me just a little too tightly.
“No,” he rumbled. “Don’t leave.”
His arms felt so good around me as I hugged him back.
“I’m not leaving-leaving. Just going to Mom’s for dinner. I should have put clothes on like you asked. It wasn’t fair for me to push you or use getting dressed as a bribe for a kiss. It was manipulation, plain and simple, and I wouldn’t have liked it if you’d done that to me. I’m truly sorry, Thallirin, and I swear I won’t ever do that to you again.”
His hand stroked over my hair.
“I liked the kiss,” he said. “More than I should have.”
Annoyance flared as I understood the way he’d acted wasn’t because of the kiss but because of my damn age. However, I’d said all I could say to help him see it the way I saw it. I sighed and rubbed my cheek against his shirt.
“Do you want to come to dinner with me?”
He grunted and picked me up.
“I can walk,” I protested. “It doesn’t hurt.”
He stopped in front of the door and looked down at me.
“Do you want me to stop?”
The way his gaze skimmed over my face and his hands tightened ever so slightly around me told me he liked holding me just as much as I liked being held by him.
“No.” I rested my head against his shoulder. “Don’t you want a jacket?”
“No.”
I smiled, knowing what that meant. He was comfortable with me. He knew I wasn’t looking at his scars, but at him. He stepped out into the cold and started toward Mom’s house. I pressed my nose against his chest for warmth but ended up inhaling deeply instead.
“I like the way you smell,” I said.
His steps slowed before picking up speed once more.
I grinned and smoothed my hand over his chest.
“I like the way you feel, too.”
He slowed again.
“Do you want me to stop?” I asked.
“No.”
“Can we kiss again tonight? After dinner?”
He looked down at me and started to shake his head. I gave him my best sad face. He stopped walking completely, and I could see he was torn. He wanted to make me happy, to give me what I wanted, what we both wanted, but he also wanted to respect the rule about my age.
“I liked kissing you, too, Thallirin. I was so worried I’d never like touching anyone that way ever again. But kissing doesn’t have to mean sex. It can be a way for people to show that they have affection for one another or a way to test how much they feel for one another. That’s what I was doing. Testing how you make me feel. Sometimes kisses are just nice. Just nice isn’t enough for me to start a relationship. I want kisses that are exciting and make my heart race.”
Putting what I was feeling into words was making my heart feel weird. How could an organ feel tight?
I focused on his shirt and toyed with the fabric.
“I liked our first kiss, and I want to do it again to help understand just where my feelings for you are going. But I don’t want you to feel that you have—”
“Brenna.”
I looked up at him.
“Our kiss made my heart race. My blood heat. My hands itch to touch you in ways I shouldn’t. Kissing you is dangerous.”
That just made me want to kiss him more. But, I’d said my piece. And, I’d damn near begged. If he wasn’t ready, I needed to respect that.
“Okay.”
He growled a second before his lips claimed mine. It wasn’t soft or sweet or tentative. It was hard and consuming. And, over almost as quickly as it had begun.
I blinked up at him, dazed.
“Your heart is racing,” he said softly.
“Yeah, I think you’re right.”
He took a deep breath and started walking. I relaxed against him with a soft smile, my decision made.
Mom’s house was lit up like a Christmas tree when we got there. Not sure what was going on, I rang the doorbell just in case.
Uan answered and quickly stepped aside for us.
“Brenna is here,” he called.
“About time,” Mom called back. She appeared in the entry and crossed her arms as she gave me a stern Mom look.
“I’ve been worried sick. Zach told me you were hurt. I had to hear from Cassie that she stitched you up then sent you to Thallirin’s house—drunk—because you told Kerr I would be mad if he brought you here, where you belong.
What were you thinking?”
I tapped Thallirin’s shoulder to indicate I wanted down. When I was on my own two feet, I crossed over to Mom and knelt by her chair. It tugged at my stitches a bit, but I ignored the ache. Mom was close to losing her shit.
“I wasn’t thinking. I was hurt and intoxicated. We both know that’s a bad combination. I’m sorry what happened scared you. It scared me, too. Enough that I think I’m ready.”
Her expression lost some of its anger, and she looked from me to Thallirin, then back again. I followed her look and found him watching me with an indiscernible expression that wasn’t as angry looking as usual.
“Reacting out of fear is dangerous. Mistakes are always made,” Mom said, reclaiming my attention.
“It’s not out of fear, Mom. It’s something else completely.”
“Are you sure?”
“I am. And I don’t want you to think that recent life changes pushed any of the decisions I’m making,” I said, hoping she’d understand I meant Uan’s moving in with her.
Her hand covered mine.
“You’re too smart to let my choices bully you.”
I kissed her cheek then hugged her.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too.”
I pulled back and looked at her. Really looked at her. Her hair was clean, which meant someone had helped her with the shower or into a bath. And she looked happy. I glanced back at Uan, who was watching us closely. He had that possessive glint in his eye any time he looked at Mom.
“Thank you for taking care of her.”
“I will always care for her,” he said.
“Can we eat yet?” Zach called from the kitchen.
I grinned and straightened, following Mom into the room that smelled like a burger joint. I nearly drooled when I saw the stack of grilled patties in the center of the table.
“Real ground beef. Butter toasted buns, too,” Zach said. “Garrett and I found the grilling stuff at his place after we ran supplies over today. You should see the shed. It’s overflowing even after delivering stuff to all the houses here.”
“That’s great,” I said, sitting. I helped myself to a burger and loaded it with grilled onions, pickles, and ketchup. “Sorry I wasn’t there to help.”
“There wasn’t any need. Since it was local, we just needed a few of us in the trailer to sort some supplies for Tenacity’s new people and send the rest home. It didn’t take too long.”
“How many people did they find?” Mom asked.
“It was a group traveling up from the south. Mostly men. A few women. One kid. I think Matt said something like thirty-four of them. I caught a glimpse of one guy.” He shook his head. “He looked half-starved. We doubled the amount of supplies that we had planned to give. They need it.”
Hearing that almost made me feel guilty about the burger I was eating. Almost. I hadn’t been lying about my assessment of my scrawny self to Thallirin. I took another bite, eating with appreciation.
When we finished the meal, I helped Mom clean up while the guys went outside for target practice. I liked that they gave us some time to speak privately, even if it was over dishes.
“What’s he like?” she asked.
“He’s hard to read, but sweet. He doesn’t push. In fact, I think I’m the one pushing now, and it feels weird. He’s making a big deal about me being under eighteen. I woke up with my shirt twisted, and he freaked out that he saw my boobs.” I handed her a plate to dry. “I don’t know what to do. With two close calls, I don’t want to wait for summer when he’ll know for sure I’m eighteen. Waiting seems stupid to me.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?” Mom asked.
“I’m not sure that would help. I’m sure he and I will work it out, eventually.”
“Don’t go back out there until you know you’re safe.”
I shook my head at her.
“I’d never leave, then, because even if I can’t get infected, I’m smart enough to know I’m never truly safe outside these walls. The breach proved we’re not really safe inside, either. If I let fear hold me back, I’m already dead.”
She sighed.
“You’re right. Just be as safe as you can be.”
“I will.” I finished the last dish and handed it to her. “I’m going to go pack my things.”
“I’m going to miss you,” she said, sounding close to tears.
“No, you won’t. I’m going to come home for dinner every night, and Uan’s going to keep you busy when I’m gone.”
She smiled and glanced out the door at him.
“I didn’t think I’d ever feel this way again.”
I followed her gaze and found Thallirin watching me through the patio doors. Butterflies took flight in my stomach, and I smiled at him before his gaze returned to Uan.
Leaving Mom, I went to my room and started packing, wondering how Thallirin would react to the news that I was moving in with him.
Chapter Fourteen
With the bag that Thallirin had already collected for me, there hadn’t been much left to pack. The bag in my arms held the last of my clothes. Thallirin hadn’t commented on its presence when I’d told him I was ready to go, and I wondered if he understood what it meant. If he didn’t, he soon would.
Once we were in the house, he let me move around on my own. Well, not on my own. He followed me as I grabbed the first bag, then he stood in the doorway while I placed my clothes next to his in the dresser.
He stayed where he was as I stripped out of my pants and changed into one of his oversized shirts. I spared him a full exposure by taking my bra off once I was covered. When I finished changing, I tucked the bags in the closet and looked at him.
“All moved in,” I said.
He didn’t say anything. Just continued to study me.
“Is that your happy face or your how-do-I-get-rid-of-her-now face?”
“Happy,” he said. “Very happy.”
“Good. Want to watch a movie?”
I took his grunt as a yes and went to the living room to select a movie. That he chose to sit in the same spot on the couch as before wasn’t lost on me. I sat on his lap, and leaned my head against his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. As much as I tried to watch what was happening on the screen, I couldn’t stop thinking about our previous kisses.
I shifted in his lap, looping an arm around his shoulders to press closer. Something moved underneath me. I turned my head toward his neck to hide my smile and brushed my lips against his skin.
This time he shifted, reseating me so I wasn’t right on top of the enormous bulge he was sporting. I took one of his hands and brought it to my cheek. His palm covered all of it. I marveled at how large he was while still being so gentle with me.
He shifted under me as I kissed his palm then made a pained sound when I licked it. Grinning, I looked up at him then lightly bit the tip of one finger.
“Brenna.”
The word was full of warning, but I wasn’t worried. With me, Thallirin was careful. Always so careful.
Before he could guess my intention, I drew his hand down to my breast. He grunted when his palm covered me over my shirt.
“Too small?” I asked.
His fingers twitched, feeling me before he jerked his hand away.
Before he could ditch me like last time, I changed positions and straddled his lap. The moment my hips settled over his, he froze.
“If you tell me to get up, I will. But I’m doing this because I really don’t want you to run away again. You make my heart thunder in my chest, too, Thallirin. Kissing you is dangerous. But in a good way. It’s making me better. Less afraid of what you want someday. Can I stay like this?”
He was quiet for a long time, and I knew he was fighting with what he should say versus what he wanted to say. I leaned forward and lightly kissed the corner of his mouth. He trembled under me even though I was careful to avoid full hip to hip contact. This eighteen rule was killing him, a
nd it needed to stop.
“Tomorrow, we should go say hi to Drav and Mya,” I said, feathering my fingers over his cheek.
He made a sound. I thought it was supposed to be his usually non-committal grunt, but it didn’t come out that way. It sounded more tortured. Poor guy.
I kissed the other corner of his mouth.
“We could get some supplies from the supply shed afterward. If you want.”
I brushed my lips over his, and his shaking intensified.
“And maybe go trade at Tenacity to help out over there,” I said, my lips hovering over his.
He still didn’t move, and the beat of his heart under my palm began to worry me.
“Do you want me to stop?” I asked.
He didn’t answer, and I started to get up. His hands gripped my hips, anchoring me in place just over him, not quite touching where he likely ached most. I really wanted to be the one to soothe him.
I kissed him gently, little reassuring brushes of my lips over his mouth, his cheeks, his jaw. I worked lower to his neck, kissing scars and the few patches of unmarked skin that he had. Since he was letting me explore, I found the edge of his shirt and pushed the material upward, smoothing my palms over his honed muscles.
“I didn’t think I’d like touching you this much,” I whispered. “If you think my softness is mesmerizing, I’m just as taken with your hardness.” My fingers glided over his pectorals as I spoke.
A shudder ran through him, and I lifted my head.
“Want to get rid of your shirt?”
His glazed eyes shifted from my lips to the shirt of his that I currently wore.
I smiled.
“I didn’t mean mine, but I’m willing if you’re interested.”
“No.”
The word was a dry rasp. Pained and full of need. It made my heart hammer harder and my own need stronger. Carefully, I lowered myself, letting my hips rest on his. He hissed out a breath as my weight settled on his hard length. His fingers twitched on my hips but nothing more.
I wished he’d do something.
“Tell me to stop,” I whispered as I moved slightly, pressing my core against him ever so slightly.
Other than a very loud exhale, he remained silent. Not me.