Jealousy slashed at me, but I pushed it away.
I deserved this, and so much more.
Finally, I looked at Ronin again, saw the longing mixed with anger in his gaze, and knew I couldn’t just leave. I would after, but I couldn’t hurt this woman, not when I knew if I walked away, I would only leave ashes in my wake for her to deal with. And neither of them deserved that.
“Okay, just for a moment.”
Relief and fear slid through Julia’s gaze, but she blinked it away quickly. She seemed so strong. I couldn’t help but like her immediately.
I followed her inside the modest home that these two had made together. It was all white lines with dark furniture and trees and art on the wall. I liked it. I could see some influences of Ronin, the man I had known before. As well as some more feminine tastes that had to have come from Julia.
They had somehow melded and created a life together. And I wasn’t part of it. Maybe if I hadn’t run away—but no, there was no taking that back. And I hadn’t been the man who was in love with Ronin for a long time. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had come back any sooner. I hadn’t been ready—as selfish as that was.
“Can I get you something to drink? We still have an open bottle of wine. Our friends were over for dinner, and it’s been a nice evening.”
I knew Julia was rambling, and yet Ronin wasn’t saying a damn word.
“I’m okay. Thank you. I need to drive.”
“Oh, okay. Any water?”
“I’m fine. Thank you for welcoming me into your home.”
Her eyes warmed, but then she stood at Ronin’s side, her hand sliding into his. Her loyalties were with her husband, as they should be. And Ronin was hurting. That much was clear. If the other man didn’t say something soon, I wouldn’t just be walking out of here, Julia would be pushing me out. That much I knew.
I cleared my throat. “I just got back into town, and this was the last address I had of yours,” I whispered.
“I sent you a letter when I moved in,” Ronin said, his voice wooden. “Before Julia and I even got married. I didn’t know you got the letter. But, apparently, you did since you had the address.”
“I read your letter. Letters,” I corrected, my voice hollow.
Julia looked between us, tension clearly riding her. But hell, it was riding all of us.
The man I had once loved narrowed his eyes. “Didn’t want to write back?”
“I couldn’t, Ronin.” And that was the truth, but not all of it.
“Sure. I can see that. I’m here. Same place I’ve been for a long damn while. What? Ten years now? And where have you been? Trotting the globe?”
“There were things I needed to do, Ronin.”
“Good to know. Did you get them done? Or maybe you don’t need to tell me. You didn’t tell me much even then.”
“I can see this was a mistake,” I said quickly.
“You’re pretty good at making those, aren’t you?” Ronin bit out.
“I think I’m the one who made a mistake by allowing him in.” Julia moved forward.
Ronin shook his head, and I swallowed hard. The other man looked over at his wife, cupped her cheek, and lowered his forehead to hers. That pang of jealousy hit hard again, and I swallowed back any emotions that might drown me. The love between them was palpable. I almost felt like I could reach out and touch it.
There was so much trust and understanding in that bond. It was something I had thought I had with him until I had to go away. I hadn’t been able to understand it at the time, had been too scared of so many things, and Ronin had gotten hurt because of it.
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry for making you feel that way,” Ronin whispered.
I felt like I was intruding, even if this was about me. And yet, was it? No, it had to be about Ronin. That was the thing. It needed to be about him after so many years of hiding from it.
I cleared my throat. “I didn’t know you were married,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have come. If I had known, I wouldn’t be here.”
Ronin turned to me, his eyes dark. “And then I still wouldn’t know if you were alive or dead.”
He had no idea how close to the mark his words were, and yet I couldn’t open my mouth and tell him. Not now. I needed to. I knew that. That was the whole point of me being here. Still, I couldn’t. Not yet.
“Should I let you two be?” Julia asked, looking between us.
What kind of woman was this that she had the strength and capacity to leave her husband alone with his former lover? I didn’t know this Julia, but I wanted to. And maybe that should scare me, but it didn’t.
I liked her, even if I was jealous of her. But that was my problem, not hers.
“I came here to talk to you, Ronin. To apologize. To tell you everything. But maybe I should just go. It’s only going to hurt everything.”
Ronin ran his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face. It was longer than it had been when we were together, and I liked it. He had ink on his body, and I could tell from the way he stood that his leg hurt him. We’d gotten together soon after the IED blast had taken off his leg in Afghanistan. I had been with him when he was first learning to be himself again, and I could still read his face and know when he was in pain. He had grown into an even more beautiful man—and I had missed him.
I hated that I’d hurt him.
“Why did you go?” Ronin asked. “Why did you leave without a word, other than saying it was over and leaving a note? Just tell me that, and then you can go. I hate unknowns.”
“You’re a librarian, you always did love research and discovering answers.”
Ronin snorted. “That’s not the same. I couldn’t look up anything to find out what the fuck happened to you.”
“Let’s sit down,” Julia said. “I was going to leave to give you two some space, but I don’t think I can do that. Is it okay if I’m here when you say your piece?” Julia asked, looking directly into my face.
I liked this woman. “Of course. You two seem perfect for each other.”
“We are,” Ronin ground out.
I ignored the barb, even though I knew I’d earned it. “I’ll take that seat,” I said then let out a breath. “Plus, I guess you shouldn’t be on your feet after, what? PT today?”
Ronin narrowed his eyes. “Stop acting as if you know me. It’s been far too long for that.”
Ronin turned on his heel and made his way to the couch. He sat down as if he had no pain, and then leaned forward, putting his forearms on his thighs. “Talk.”
Julia sat next to him, rubbing his back, even as she looked at me. I swallowed hard and took the chair across the coffee table from them and let out a breath.
“After Alexis left us, both of us were broken. We weren’t talking like we used to.”
“Yes, but I figured we’d talk it out eventually,” Roman bit out.
“Ronin, let him speak.”
He glared at Julia before softening his expression and nodding.
“You’re right. The more I interrupt, the longer he’s going to be here.”
Julia rolled her eyes and gave me a look. We shared something in that moment, though I couldn’t quite name it. And I didn’t know how I felt about it. Given the way she shook her head and pulled away slightly, I had a feeling she was on the same page as I was.
Odd.
“I took that job, the one where it should have been safe.”
“Ronin said you were a photojournalist?” Julia asked, her voice soft again.
“I used to be. Now, I do photography for myself and my business. I don’t go to war-torn countries anymore. I don’t put myself in the heat of battle. Not after the accident.”
Ronin’s gaze shot up.
“What accident?”
“Pretty similar to yours. We rolled over an IED, blew our Jeep to hell and back.”
Ronin’s face blanched. “Ours?”
I nodded tightly, my gut roiling, bile filling my thr
oat. “Sophia and I took the job together. Mom and Dad weren’t happy because they didn’t want their kids in high-risk situations. They wanted her to be a reporter for a local newspaper and talk about the largest pumpkin or whatever was going on with Main Street. Instead, she took a job with The Chronicle and was doing an AP report for the area. We were a team and worked together.”
“Oh, Kincaid,” Julia whispered, and I had a feeling she knew where I was going with this.
“I was out of it for nearly two weeks by the time I woke up and heard that she didn’t make it. Sophia died on impact. Didn’t even make it out of the fucking Jeep. I broke my leg, my arm, had a skull fracture, second and third-degree burns down my back. But I survived. Sophia didn’t. Took me a long time to get home, and it took me a hell of a long time to pull myself out of the bottle.”
Ronin’s eyes widened, and I nodded tightly. “I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been sober for three years, two months, and six days. I didn’t contact you or write back or do anything because I blamed myself. I’m figuring out who I am again, but I came here to apologize and to tell you. I don’t plan on drinking today or tomorrow. Only I’m not the same person I was. I lost Sophia, on a job that I was asked to do, something I got my sister into. No matter how many steps I take to get out of the bottle, I’m still going to hate the way I treated you and what happened to Sophia. I don’t fully know why I’m here. I just figured you ought to know.”
I stood up then, ready to leave, but then Ronin did the same, Julia right beside him.
“Jesus Christ, Kincaid,” Ronin bit out. And then he was at my side, tugging me close. I slammed into his chest and froze for a moment before I wrapped my arms around him and lowered my head to his shoulder. The tears came, and a jagged sob ripped through me. My shirt was wet, and I knew Ronin was crying right along with me. Then there was a small hand on my back, rubbing my shirt, and I knew the other was doing the same to Ronin’s. Julia stood between us, and I held her close, too, needing the comfort of this stranger, something I hadn’t even known I needed. And then Ronin wrapped his arms around his wife, rested his head against hers, and looked up at me.
“You’re home,” Ronin said.
I swallowed hard. “Doesn’t feel like it yet. But I’m working on it.”
The two of them held each other close, and I took a step back, one I hoped they didn’t notice.
Because while there might be forgiveness in Ronin’s eyes—even though I didn’t think he’d ever truly get there—I knew I had come here for more than just that reason.
And I would never get what I wanted.
The man that I loved more than anything held his wife close, and I realized there was no way I would step between that. There was no way I would break that bond and connection.
I had lost everything once before.
And now, I was looking at what I could have had if I hadn’t broken.
Once again, I had failed.
Once again, I was the mistake.
And I could only blame myself for it.
Chapter 3
Julia
“He just showed up?” Holland asked as she moved a picture frame to another part of the shelf.
I nodded, dusting behind her. I didn’t work at her shop, but I couldn’t just stand around and do nothing while she worked. And because I tended to wring my hands or bother her with my nervous ticks, she generally gave me something to organize or handed me something to clean with while I was there. Not because she needed the help, but because she knew I needed to calm down.
I liked Ethan’s wife, and I was glad that I’d become closer to him and his family over time. Close enough that I felt free to talk to Holland about Kincaid and Ronin and what’d happened when my husband’s ex-boyfriend came to town.
“Is Ronin okay?” Holland asked, continuing to organize while I dusted.
“He says he is. But he’s closed off.”
“Does he tend to do that when things happen? Big things?” Holland frowned. “I keep asking you weird new questions. But I think it’s more that I know you, but I don’t know Ronin all that well. I don’t know how he usually reacts to things. Probably because he just rolls with the punches and tends to act as if nothing’s wrong when I’m around him.”
I smiled at that. “Well, that’s Ronin. He keeps everything inside himself and pretends that nothing is wrong so he can take care of everybody else. He usually shares his feelings with me, but right now, he’s hiding everything, and I don’t know what to do about that.”
“What do you think is hurting him more right now?” Holland asked, her voice low.
No one else was in the store since the place hadn’t opened quite yet. But soon, the tourists would be in, coming in droves, and I would leave Holland to it so she could get to work and not have my problems bothering her. It was nice to have a friend to talk to, though. I wasn’t very good at opening up to people. Ronin had been the first person I’d truly bared myself to and found my place.
“Sometimes, I have to dig things out of him, but he opens for me. Honestly, I think he feels guilty. Guilt over hating Kincaid all this time, thinking the man left him for reasons that were all on Ronin, and not things that were so extraordinary and out of his control.”
“And it’s not just the two of them. And not you,” Holland added.
I winced. “Ronin doesn’t talk about Alexis much. Hell, he doesn’t even talk about Kincaid often, and I know we need to talk about him. As for Alexis? She just didn’t fit with them. And I know they tried a permanent triad like the three of you have, but it didn’t work out. In the end, Alexis cheated and left them.”
Holland’s eyes widened. “She cheated?”
“Yes, and it was horrible. Ronin has always been very timid—or at least untrusting—when it comes to forming new attachments because of it. It took us a while to figure out who we were to each other because I have my own issues, and he needed to get over his. I thought we had made it past that, but Alexis hurt him, then Kincaid broke him.”
My voice cracked at the end of that statement, and I shook my head when Holland reached out. “I’m sorry. I’m fine. I just need to talk to him. I think we need to work it out first.”
“I know Ronin loves you. You do, too. Yes, you should talk to him. Figure out what he wants.”
I bit my lip. “I don’t know what I should do.”
Holland shook her head. “I don’t know either. But you are his wife, you took vows. You two need to talk and figure out what you both want. Kincaid came back. Maybe to apologize, or perhaps for Ronin himself. But that’s not how things are going to work.”
“You’re right. I’m not going to walk away,” I said on a laugh that held little humor. “But I do need to work out what Ronin wants.”
“And you, too,” Holland said softly. “You need to dig into what you’re feeling also.”
I swallowed hard and did my best to change the subject to babies and weddings that had nothing to do with me. I needed time to think, and I had to talk with my husband.
* * * *
By the time I made it home, people were out and about, running their errands, and I felt a little bit better about what I needed to do. I pulled into the driveway, parked, and looked at the home we had made together. Ronin had bought it for himself after the relationship with Alexis and Kincaid took its turn. Ronin needed a one-story home because stairs weren’t easy on his prosthesis, and frankly, I didn’t mind. Although I loved the look of some two-story homes against the backdrop of the Rocky Mountains, a nice ranch-style home was perfect for me after long days where I wanted to curl up next to my husband and remember that I was blessed in some ways, even if the horrors of some things never truly went away.
“Baby?” Ronin asked from the side of the car. I started, realizing my window was open.
“Crap. I need to close the window, and then I’m coming inside.”
He frowned, reached forward, and rubbed his knuckle against my cheek. I leaned into him, craving his touch. “Are
you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly, letting out a breath.
His eyes darkened a bit, and then he nodded. “Let’s get you inside. I think we have a few things to talk about.”
Dread and something else turned inside me. We needed to discuss things. That’s what we did in our relationship. The first thing he had told me when we started dating was that for the two of us to work, we needed to have open communication.
It wasn’t always easy to bare yourself to another, but honesty was the best, and it worked for us. And that meant I needed to be completely honest with Ronin.
I got the window up and made my way into the house, moving into Ronin’s space as we walked together.
“Need me to make you a drink?” Ronin asked.
“You mean like a bloody Mary? It’s like not even noon yet.”
My husband smiled and leaned forward, brushing my lips with his. “I love you, Julia.”
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, and I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him soundly. “I love you too, husband.”
“Let’s take a seat, and then I guess we should talk.”
I nodded and walked to the living room. I sank onto the couch, letting the cushions envelop me. Ronin sat next to me, his thick thigh pressing against mine. I loved the feeling of him touching me, the heat of him. He had dark eyes and darker hair and had filled out even more after he left the military. He was all muscles, his upper body built. Not as built as Kincaid, but very muscular.
I didn’t know why that thought even entered my mind, but I pushed it away. At least for now.
“You’ve been quiet,” I said suddenly, and Ronin nodded.
“I’ve had to get over a lot of misconceptions I’m trying to trace back to my past. I was so wrong about a lot of things, and I hate that.”
I nodded and tangled my fingers with his. “Kincaid looks like he’s been through hell but has come out the other side.” I let out a breath. “And he came here for you,” I whispered.
Ronin froze. “He might’ve come here for me, but seeing as I’m married, it doesn’t matter. Does it?”
Captured in Ink: A Montgomery Ink: Boulder Novella Page 3