by IRENE JONES
Saturday night at the club was crazy, with two parties and a show going on. I enjoyed it, though. Most of the music played was old school and house. I eased some soulful house in there and got a good response, but the majority of the crowd was drunk as heck. On nights like this, we slow down the music and start serving coffee and ice-cold fountain soda and hope everyone gets home safe.
Waking up to a quiet apartment was surreal because I usually fall asleep with the TV on loud. No messages or phone calls was unusual, but okay. Instead, I got a knock at the door. It was Ms. A.
“Hey, long time no see, Lady,” Ms. A said.
“Well, if you stayed home more often, you would have seen me because I knocked on your door a couple of days ago.”
We talked for hours about stuff. We started talking about our lives’ beginnings on the gay spectrum. It was two o’clock, so we decided to order lunch and keep reminiscing. The things that I endured and went through may have contributed to some of my hesitations to enjoy life fully back then.
Chapter 19:
Back Down Memory Lane
We talked about how society makes you wish you were different or born at another time and space. It’s funny how life can have you feeling a way that you’re not sure about or understand. I can remember thinking, When your heart is pure with love for someone, why is it wrong in society’s eyes? Religion comes to play, and the hypocrites and naysayers make the judgment call. Ms. A just watched as I talked about my life and the things I held back on so much because of judgment.
I have been thinking about what hereditary traits kick in when we’re deciding what things go on in our lives.
Ms. A laughed and said, “Girl, we all feel that way. If you ever met my mom’s sister, you would say that’s my twin.
“I just wanted to love freely and stop feeling like I had to sneak and do things in what I call a sinful way of thinking or doing. Females always gave me attention.”
“Junior high I had a crush going on with classmates and one teacher who wasn’t male.”
Ms. A laughed until she fell off the couch. “Prima,” she calls me which in Spanish means cousin, “You went through some of the same crazy shit I went through. When we go through life, we seem to think we are the only person on earth going through that particular thing. Girl, you’re a human being with the same thoughts as millions of others. Some act on the impulses, and some hold them in. It’s their path in life to go on.”
“Now, look at us, just meeting less than a year ago. We clicked as neighbors and became buds and now we’re friends. You have come to realize that you are not the only one dealing with some of the same things later in life. You sure your momma’s name isn’t Louise Miller?” and she cracked up laughing again.
Ms. A thought that living our lives through what others think causes us to put an invisible shield on living your life like you want to.
“The big question, are you still hiding behind your past or are you going to live your life on your terms?” she finished.
I said “It’s an on-the-fence type thing. I’m older and wiser, but I don’t want to overstep or assume anything, because assumptions can also make you miss out. If you don’t try, you will live out your life without your truth coming to life.”
“I see myself living with someone who shows me love to give me love, and we can talk about any and everything with each other. Laugh together, cry, get mad, or disagree, but still love each other. Have trust enough to share them with family and friends, and never let them feel smothered or disrespected. Wake up together. Pray together. Respect is a must.”
“Your mental state of mind goes off into fantasy land as a child. Not learning to love yourself can cause you not to know how to love anyone else. You live your life thinking you were a bad kid and you did terrible things, not realizing then that it was a learned behavior that you thought was okay if I didn’t tell.”
The tears started to fall, and Ms. A came over and hugged me and said, “Baby girl, we all have had doors shut in our faces, and some are still standing there waiting for it to open. You can’t keep living life thinking you are not good enough or feeling shameful or guilty.”
“This world is to be lived in and enjoyed. But we all know the stories about Satan,” she laughed a little as I wiped my eyes. She then said, “So stop holding that love you have grown to see within you and genuinely share it with someone special.”
As always, I get my comfort from knowing I’m not alone, and life happens to us all. Ms. A is so relaxed and real with me, and I’ve known her for less than a year. It shows how if you feel trust and respect, it’s okay to let someone in your life.
I needed to start my day and go by the club for some practice on a new setup. As I was leaving, I opened the door to a surprise. “Natalia, what brings you here?” I still needed to head out, but I stopped to talk with her.. She seemed a little down.
She started telling me about a promotion that would take her out of town for a few months. “Well, it looks like your business is picking up, huh?”
She smiled then and said, “But…”
“But what?”
“But I don’t want to be away from you that long,” she said.
We had talked about our situation, and we said we didn’t want to take it there and ruin a great friendship. Lord knows I’ve dealt with problems that I wish I didn’t have to years ago.
She looked at me and plainly said. “I love you. I always have. It didn’t go away over the years.”
I said, “Stop. Can we talk about this later when we can both speak openly and honestly? Because I’m going to let you have it, missy.”
We both laughed and said our goodbyes. She grabbed my hand and repeated the words, “I love you.”
I said it back this time, and it felt so real and comforting.
When I got to the club, there were many cars in the main lot, but I had forgot that management had started a happy hour on Wednesday. The club’s dance side was empty, thank goodness, because who wants some creep over to have private time with a stranger on a day like this. I could hear noises like chairs being moved around in the club’s private section. I looked to see what was going on, and it‘s Phyliss, who owns the lofts and the apartment complex where I live.
She said, “Hey, how are you? how have you been?”
I was thinking, What the heck is she doing here, in this part of the club anyway?
Rumor has it that you do private parties here. The manager let me come and look around to see if I wanted to set up my guests for a party here in a couple of weeks.
I was still a little confused, but I said, “Oh cool, what kind of party, birthday?”
“No,” she said. “It’s was a bachelor party for my cousin who is getting married next month.”
“Male or female?” I asked.
“It’s a female.”
“Oh, okay. So you expect a lot of her friends to come.”
“Yeah,” Phyliss said. “And family.”
“Well, you finish your tour,” I said. “I must get some stuff out of the way before the weekend gets here.”
She asked if I would I be playing the night of the party, and I told her it depends on the day and time.
“Okay, so on a Saturday at 8 p.m.?” she smiled and said, “So you’re available.”
“Of course, I would love to spin and entertain your family and friends.”
We set a date, and I got back to my technical work.
It was a little after midnight when I got a text from my brother in Seattle. It was a hello to see how everything was going. It was very odd of him to text me. He usually called. He has wanted me to move out there, near him and his family, for some time now. I had thought about it many times, but didn’t want to make that move at the time. As long as he was okay, was all that mattered to me. I was finally finishing my tech setup at the club when one of th
e bartenders came back and said I had a visitor.
Who in the hell would be coming to see me here? I thought. No one knows where I work, let alone knew I was here tonight on a Wednesday except for a few people. As I walked up to the front, I saw Natalia.
“Hey, girl. What are you doing up here this time of night?”
She laughed and said, “I was in the area.”
“Yeah, right. What’s going on, lady?”
“I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon.”
“Wow, so soon? I thought we were talking like in a week or two.”
“Well, I’m in popular demand.”
We laughed it off. I felt my heart drop, but I wouldn’t dare tell her that.
She said, “I wanted you to be the first person to know, seeing that we are tight like that.”
“Oh, so we close like that, huh?”
“Seriously,” she said. “I need to know right now. Will you wait for me?”
“Okay, Natalia, what do you mean?”
“Why do we keep playing games with our mental well-being? You know what I’m asking, because I want you to be waiting.”
“You have a family for sure to be here for you, but I’m going to be here regardless, and you know this.”
Natalia had a serious look on her face and said, “My family knows. Know what I said, that I love you, silly.”
“Wait for what, and be okay with that.” We laughed, because her family is tight, and they speak their mind about any and everything.
For some strange reason, Phyliss came to mind in the middle of our conversation.
Natalia asked what I was thinking about, and I told her honestly that the lady who owns the complex I live in asked me to spin at a private party for a friend of hers.
“So, while I’m pouring my heart out to you again, you’re thinking about a party.”
Little did she know, it wasn’t the party that was on my mind. Why the hell was I thinking about this person when I knew where my heart was? I can see some crazy days ahead.
Chapter 20:
Is It Meant to Be?
Time doesn’t stand still, so my life got busy over the past few months. I finally could invest in a condo. Not with Ms. Phyllis, but with Ms. Archie’s acquaintance. It’s not far from the club, and it has a private entrance. It’s been a few weeks since I heard from Natalia; she has been out of town more than in town. My DJ spots have been keeping me busy, which I love, but something is still missing. I don’t dare try to look or find what it is, because it will happen if it’s supposed to be that way.
Saturday night, the club was fantastic, with no incidents, and I got to feature some new music. I have played with vinyl these past few weekends, and it truly helps me appreciate what natural sounds entail. Time was winding down, and coffee was being served free of charge for those who needed to sober up instead of heading out drunk. As I was playing my last set, I look up to see Natalia. She was with a few people she sent over to a still-available table, and then she came my way.
“Hey you, how have you been?” she asked with her bright smile.
We hug and talked silly words to each other.
“When you’re finished, please come over to my table and meet a few friends,” she requested.
I put on the last tune for the night and met her friends. She introduces them as cousin this person and cousin that person. Then she said, “I want you to meet my partner.”
My hands started sweating, and my heart felt like it skipped beats for a half-second.
I said, “Oh, your partner. Pleased to meet you guys. Did you enjoy the music, well, the little you got to hear?”
Natalia said, “It has been a while, but so much has been going with me, I didn’t get the chance to call you or visit.”
“That’s cool,” I said. “I know since your promotion, you would be out of town a lot. So how long are you guys going to be in town? What are your plans?” Was Natalia a little busy talking with her partner and giggling like a little schoolgirl?
I kept my composure and played it calmly, but was dying inside. Why would she think of bringing a partner to meet me of all people? Well, it was nice meeting you guys, Natalia hopes to speak with you sooner than later. She smiled and winked at me, and there they went again, my racing thoughts. When I finally got home and calmed my nerves, I called Ms. Archie. We talked until the sun came up, and she fell asleep on the phone.
It had again been a few weeks since my last conversation with Natalia, when she showed up at my door. I hadn’t told her I moved, but then she hasn’t been around to know. I opened the door, and she had this look of disappointment on her face. I thought, She has the nerve to look disappointed.
She asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you had moved? I went over to your old place and ran into Ms. Archie. She told me you had moved. She was hesitant to tell me where you moved to, but she said that I’m sure you would need to talk to me sooner or later.”
“Have a seat. Would you like something to drink or eat?”
She looked at me with surprise and said, “Uhm, I know I’m welcome to anything here, including you.”
My thoughts jumped into defensive gear. “What makes you think that, Ms. Lady?”
“Well, let me say this,” she said. “It’s been forever and a day since we became friends, though we don’t talk a lot or even see each for other months and weeks on end. You know damn well how I feel about us.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong. We, that means me and you, decided to keep our friends close and respect each other enough not to cross that line.”
She stood up and started pacing, then said, “I had to try and break free of our special bond because of family and friends’ issues with us being too close. You know how I feel about family. Friends’ opinions don’t count.”
I was looking at her as she started to cry and keep talking at the same time.
“Listen, Natalia, I never wanted to cause you any hurt by trying to be in a committed relationship with you, never. You, of all people, know I didn’t want to cause friction in your family.”
“Why is it that when a person has feelings for someone so deep it hurts to let it go and that it can disappoint your family?”
We talked for a few more hours and came to a final decision. First, there was no partner. She said it to play on my emotions. Which was not cute at all, but I had to deal with it.
Time passed, and we started treating each other like the best of friends, like we knew each other all our lives.
We talked with her sister about us, and she said, “I knew it all along. But hey, if you don’t hurt each other or be open about it around family, it is what it is.”
“We don’t live together. She doesn’t sleep over, but we are with each other most of the day. We don’t talk about relationship stuff, though we want to. Rules are rules.”
She was still doing her promotional job, more in town than out of town. Lately, I think she requested to have that done. When you feel you have a genuine love that has never stopped flowing in your soul for someone special, you never know how things will work themselves out over the years. We are closer than most, but the love we have for each other is never in question.
Months passed, and the many projects Natalia had kept her very busy. I decided to take some college courses in computer programming. I wanted to know how the technology works for so many different gadgets that I used with a leap faith. Since I had classes and Natalia was busy, we never got the opportunity to do anything together. She has a very close family bond. I respected her for that, I always have.
My family was scattered about and too busy with their lives, but we occasionally spoke to make sure all was well with one another. Finally, Natalia and I were in the same place at the same time. It was so cool, sitting down, having dinner, and laughing about old times and some of the people we had come across during our busy ti
mes. The club had done some severe renovation and opened another club on the other side of town. It was a small spot for a younger crowd, twenty-one and older. It was a hot spot, and the area was mostly businesses and not a neighborhood where the clientele causes problems for people.
What is crazy about our closeness is that we never speak about having sex or making love or anything like that. I love just seeing her and being in her presence. I haven’t wanted to bring that subject up or even try to do anything of that nature. She has become my joy in real time. I feel her thinking about me at any given moment, and the phone rings. We have our desires, but we both always jokingly say, when we even think we want to, “WWJD?” and we either fall asleep on the phone talking, or she leaves my room and goes to sleep on the sofa.
I had a big party to do this coming weekend, and she was going to attend? Sometimes I wish she didn’t, because thirsty, disrespectful people like to hit on her. She gets called stuck-up when she gives them the cold shoulder and comes sit at a table behind the DJ booth. I know she will be sitting behind me as I play the night away. It’s all good
We had a great time, and I truly loved the fact she came and stayed. We got to dance a little in between sets. It felt like old times that never went away. She helped me pack up my things, and we left to meet up with some co-workers at a diner we usually meet at, which is quiet and quaint. We laughed it up and shared some crazy stories of old. We left that place at about five in the morning, tired as hell. Natalia said she would drive us home. She laughed before I could get it out.
When we got to my place, she did decide to stay. As I went to take a shower, she made up the sofa so she could crash. By the time I got out of the shower, she had fallen asleep on the couch, clothes and all. She had some of her things still here, but I guess she was tired too. I went and got an extra blanket and pillow for her. When I came out, she was awake. She asked me to stay out in the living room with her and talk.