by Jane Green
Evvie felt herself softening. “You have? I thought you always fancied Maggie.”
“Honestly? I thought you were both gorgeous. But I couldn’t get involved with either of you. You were freshers when I first saw you both, and I was a postgrad student. There was no way I could get involved with freshers.”
“Is that why you were so rude to me when I worked at the King’s Head?”
“I didn’t mean to be rude. I was so intimidated by you, I couldn’t even look at you.”
“Intimidated?” Evvie was stunned. She could understand people being intimidated by Maggie. She was statuesque, and well-spoken, with a confidence that belied her years. But Evvie? Evvie had never seen herself as someone who would intimidate people.
“You’re so stunning. You were working right next to me, and I was terrified. I had no idea what to say to you.”
Evvie thought back to those days, to how chubby she was, to how inadequate she felt, as her heart hurt. Ben had thought she was attractive. He never noticed the weight, didn’t see her as she saw herself, and she felt herself flooded with gratitude.
“You were such an ass.” She kissed him.
“You have such an arse.” He moved his hands down to her butt as she laughed. “Let’s get some sleep. This is only the beginning.”
When they got back into bed, Ben reached over for her and she settled in his arms. Evvie had always loved cuddling, relished the feeling of being held; up until tonight, it was the best thing about sex. But she had never been able to sleep wrapped in someone’s arms, had always disentangled herself in order to fall asleep.
That night Evvie allowed herself to be held, and when she woke up the next morning, she was still tightly in his arms. It was only when the phone started to ring that she felt flooded with guilt.
It could only have been Maggie. Ben stirred with the ringing of the phone, but Evvie couldn’t pick up, and let it ring and ring until it stopped. Ben slept on as Evvie looked at him, knowing how upset Maggie would be if she knew what had happened last night. Maggie had always claimed Ben as her own: her crush, hers by right.
But what right did Maggie actually have to him? One drunken snog that Ben hadn’t remembered and three years of fantasizing? This wasn’t high school; you couldn’t claim someone who didn’t want you, nor could you get upset with a friend for being with someone when you were all free agents.
And yet, this was not how friendship worked. Evvie knew that Maggie would see it as a betrayal. It may not be insurmountable, but Maggie would be hurt and would undoubtedly blame Evvie, even though this was not something Evvie had planned. My God, she had never been interested in Ben in the slightest, had actively disliked him. But the chemistry! The minute he kissed her last night, it was as if her whole body was on fire; she had never felt anything like it, and she couldn’t walk away now, had to see it through to see if it was real. If it was, she would deal with Maggie. You could begrudge your best friend having a fling with your number one crush, but you couldn’t hold that grudge if they turned out to be soul mates.
Evvie shook her head. There was no way on earth she and Ben were soul mates. Maybe it would be easier if she ended it now. By the time she and Maggie saw each other again, her fling with Ben would be a distant memory, a one-night stand that would be meaningless, that Evvie would be able to pretend had never happened.
Evvie drifted back to sleep, and when she woke up again, she rested her head on her hand, watching Ben until he stirred, yawning and turning over to see Evvie. She steeled herself, knowing he had been drunk the night before, expecting him to be distant or dismissive in the cold light of day, to have regrets. Evvie stiffened her back, unsure how he would be now that he was sober, unwilling to have to deal with rejection.
And then he smiled, those dimples forming as Evvie’s heart flipped over. She wondered how she could go from hating someone to wanting to lick every inch of his body. He reached out and pulled her into him, nuzzling her neck.
“I have morning breath,” she said when he moved to kiss her mouth.
That wasn’t what she meant to say. What she meant to say was that she couldn’t do this, that last night was great but it was pointless. He was going back to London, and she was going to New York, and yes, the sex may have been great, but it was only sex and there was no point in doing anything further because there was nowhere for this to go. And all the while, she would know that she was doing the right thing because if she didn’t push him away, Maggie would kill her.
“I don’t care,” he said as his tongue touched hers, and all thoughts of Maggie, of everything, were forgotten as Evvie sighed and sank into his arms.
fifteen
- 1989 -
Evvie thought about Ben all the way to the airport, and for the entire plane ride to New York. She thought about him as she looked for a driver carrying a card with her name on it waiting at Arrivals, and in the car on the way to Manhattan. She stopped thinking about him when she saw the skyline, the view taking her breath away, a shiver of excitement running through her body as she realized how big life was, how much possibility New York held.
She made herself stop thinking about Ben. There was nowhere for this to go, Evvie had been telling herself, even before she left. During those few days they had together, they didn’t talk about the future. Every morning Evvie told herself she was going to end it, this would be the last time. But the chemistry between them had been so strong, she couldn’t resist.
Every evening, Ben would show up at her hotel after spending the day with his friends, not knowing that Evvie had wasted the day counting off the minutes until he arrived. He would walk in the room and she would be all over him, tearing at his clothes, the pair of them falling on the bed laughing as they rolled around, playing with each other’s bodies, reveling in the heights to which they could bring the other.
Ben brought toys one night. Handcuffs, silk scarves, a paddle.
“Is this your thing?” Evvie had asked, concerned. It hadn’t been either of their “thing,” it turned out, other than for the fact that it made them laugh. When Ben tapped her backside with the paddle, she started giggling, and when he tried it harder, at her request, to see if it might do something for her, she let out a loud “ouch!” There was nothing sexy about it, which made them both crack up, and somehow their shared laughter, the sense of sex being fun, made Evvie feel closer to Ben than anything else.
“If I come to New York, can I see you?” Ben said on their final morning.
Evvie nodded. “And I’ll come to see you if I’m in London. How about that?” She wondered why there seemed to be a lump in the back of her throat.
Evvie was about to experience huge adventures; the last thing she wanted was an English boyfriend who would get in the way. And yet, she couldn’t quite believe that she probably wouldn’t ever see him again, couldn’t quite believe how attached she had got in such a short time.
The modeling agency had sent a car to pick her up and take her to the airport. Ben had carried her suitcases and put them in the car before taking her in his arms and holding her tight. They had clung to each other for a long time, and when Evvie disengaged, she thought she might have seen tears in his eyes.
It’s not real, she told herself on the plane. It wasn’t like they’d spent quality time together. They had had amazing sex, and some fun. They had even gone out for dinner on the last night, which felt like a date, even though Ben had had far too much to drink and ended up passing out as soon as they got back to the hotel room.
* * *
• • •
Her apartment was a loft in the Meatpacking District. It had sounded glamorous when the agency told her, but it was five flights up, and the stairs were dark and dingy. She arrived outside the door of 5B and pulled out the key the agency had sent her, opening the door to a huge open-plan room with exposed brick walls and floor-to-ceiling windows, through which dayligh
t poured.
There was an L-shaped white sofa and a large distressed coffee table on which sat three empty wine bottles, five glasses, three coffee mugs, and an overflowing pile of magazines.
“Hello?” Evvie hauled her suitcases in. “Anyone here?”
“Hello!” An enormous blonde with legs like a gazelle came running into the room, flinging her arms around Evvie. “You must be Evie!”
“Evvie,” she corrected.
“I am Sophie from Hamburg. We’ve all been waiting for you.” She picked up Evvie’s biggest suitcase as if it weighed nothing, and started striding toward a corridor. “You are sharing a room with me, but I have left you lots of space.”
The room was big, and tidy, unlike the bedroom next door shared by Annabelle, who was Dutch, and Kat, who was English, which had clothes strewn all over the floor. By the time she had unpacked and put her clothes away, she had stopped thinking about Ben, and by the end of her first week, after late-night getting-to-know-you chats with her roommates, and appointments with hairdressers, bookers, and photographers, her old life at West Country University felt like it had happened to someone else, many lifetimes ago.
It was a whirlwind, and a wake-up call after a sleepy Somerset university. Everything was bigger and brighter in New York. Every night, the girls would try on one another’s clothes before heading out to a club. There was more champagne than they could drink and cocaine to kill their appetites and sober them up, and everywhere they went, there were dozens of creepy old men willing to keep them in drinks, drugs, and occasionally expensive presents, mostly just for the privilege of their attention.
After six weeks, Evvie got her first official modeling job. Dressing to get ready, she pulled on some pants from Kat that she had borrowed a few times before. They had always been a little big, but as she shrugged them up and tried to fasten them, the material stretched, the button refusing to meet the buttonhole.
Evvie groaned. It wasn’t like she’d been eating—living with three other girls who didn’t eat did wonders for her dieting. All of the girls were going to extreme measures to stay skinny, and Evvie’s Dexatrim combined with the odd line of cocaine at the parties they went to was proving magical. So how was it possible that these pants didn’t close? She grabbed a safety pin and pinned them together, wondering if she might have been bloated from something she ate.
She forgot about it once she arrived at the photo shoot, until a change of outfit and the photographer instructing her to jump off a box with her arms high up in the air. As she launched herself, the military jacket she was wearing popped open, the button clattering to the floor and spinning into a corner, revealing Evvie’s nonexistent breasts. Except they were no longer nonexistent; they seemed much fuller, and rounder than usual.
“Fantastic!” shouted the photographer, who kept on shooting as Evvie frantically pulled the jacket over her breasts, silently and shamefully vowing to eat nothing for the next two weeks.
That night, it was Kat who voiced the one thought Evvie had been refusing to allow herself to think.
“I think you’re pregnant, love,” she said after Evvie got home from the shoot, looking her up and down, her eyes coming to a final rest on her stomach. “It’s not the trousers. You’re putting on weight in that pregnancy way. And look at those bosoms! You didn’t have those when we all moved in.”
“Fuck,” whispered Evvie, the color draining from her face. Ben had used protection. They used condoms, every single time. Except for that first time, when neither of them was prepared for how lust would carry them away. But even then, they were careful. Ben pulled out. It couldn’t be that. Evvie said as much to Kat, who looked at her with skepticism.
Fuck.
Kat accompanied Evvie to the Planned Parenthood clinic the next day. All the while, Evvie stayed firmly in denial. She kept thinking that it couldn’t be, there could not be any way she was pregnant after one time; this wouldn’t be possible. It certainly wouldn’t be fair.
The nurse at Planned Parenthood was gentle, and sympathetic. She gave Evvie armfuls of leaflets to look over while they waited the few days for the blood test to come back.
But it didn’t help.
“I feel sick,” said Evvie as soon as they walked out, her face as white as a sheet.
“Do you need to throw up?” Kat asked, glancing at a nearby trash can.
“No. I just mean I’m scared. I’m also hungry. Can we get some Baskin-Robbins?”
Kat started to laugh. “Are you joking? God, you really are pregnant. I can’t eat that stuff. I’ve got a shoot tomorrow. I’ve been eating cotton balls soaked in orange juice for the last two days.”
“You have?” Evvie looked at her in horror.
“I have. It’s awful. But I was feeling so bloated, and someone said that’s what the girls do to stay thin. I still haven’t met anyone else who’s actually done it, and it’s so disgusting, I think it may be an urban myth.”
“You look great. And your boobs are practically flat. Try living in this body.” Evvie stuck out her expanding breasts. “I’m getting ice cream. Screw the photo shoots.”
The phone call from Planned Parenthood came a few days later. The results were in, and they were positive. Evvie was told to come in as soon as possible to discuss options.
Two days later, the abortion was booked, with Evvie’s only question being whether or not to let Ben know. She tried to tell herself that it was none of his business—her body, her future. She wished she was able to run it by Maggie, who had always steered Evvie in the right direction. But of course Maggie was the last person she could confide in.
“If I were him, I would want to know,” said Kat. “It’s a courtesy. He’s still half-responsible, and even though he doesn’t get a say in what you’re going to do, I think it’s the right thing to tell him.”
Evvie waited until everyone was out, until she knew she would have complete privacy. She got out her Filofax and turned to C, her heart pounding as the phone was picked up.
It wasn’t a great connection, and she had trouble hearing the person who had answered the phone.
“Ben?” she asked, unsure.
“No. Hang on. Who’s calling?”
“Evvie.”
She heard the man yelling for Ben, then footsteps and a dull murmur, until it was quite clearly Ben’s voice saying hello. For a second she felt relief, and pleasure, before remembering why she was phoning.
“This is a surprise,” he said. “I didn’t expect to hear from you while you’re in New York. Unless you’re in London?” It’s irrelevant, thought Evvie, but his voice sounded hopeful.
“Can’t you tell from this awful line? I’m in New York.”
“Oh. How are you? How’s the modeling?”
Evvie took a deep breath. “It’s all good but I have some news. I’m really sorry to phone with this but . . .” She paused. How were you supposed to deliver such momentous news, even if it would only be temporary? “I’m pregnant,” she said quickly. “I just wanted to let you know that I’ve scheduled an abortion for next week.”
There was a long silence.
“You’re what?” said Ben.
“Pregnant. I know. It sucks.”
“But . . . I don’t understand. How could you be pregnant?”
“The first time? When we didn’t have a condom? Remember?”
Another silence, and Evvie knew he didn’t remember, that he had had too much to drink. “You pulled out,” she said quietly. “I never thought this could happen.”
“You’re pregnant,” he said again as Evvie’s heart sank, not knowing what to make of this reaction.
“I’m not asking anything from you. I don’t want money, I’m taking care of everything. I just thought you should know.”
“What if I don’t want you to have an abortion?”
“What?” Evvie didn’t think
she’d heard properly.
“I know it might be crazy, but what if you had the baby? What if I got a job in New York, or you moved to London? What if we tried this out? You and me. And a baby. I know we don’t know each other well, and this sounds nuts, but I have a good feeling about us. I think we could do it. I think we could make this work.”
Evvie was silent. This was the very last thing she ever expected to hear. She had no idea what to say.
“I know it sounds crazy.” Ben’s voice was rushed, heightened with what sounded suspiciously like excitement. “But I think we could do this. I’ve always wanted children, and obviously, this isn’t planned, but this could be the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”
Us, thought Evvie. There is no us. And there couldn’t be an us, not when she was at the very beginning of her adult life, when having a baby would change everything. She didn’t want a baby, and as much as hearing Ben’s voice gave her a pang that felt like missing him, they barely knew each other. Bringing a baby into the world would be the last thing either of them needed.
“This isn’t what I want,” said Evvie. “I’m sorry. I really am, but I can’t have a baby. Not now.”
“But it’s not just about what you want. What about me? What about what I want? This baby is half mine. This isn’t a decision you can make by yourself.”
It’s not a baby yet, thought Evvie. It’s a collection of cells. I refuse to think of this as a baby or I don’t know if I will have the strength to do what I need to do.
“I’m sorry,” said Evvie. “It is a decision I can make by myself, and it’s a decision I’ve already made.”
“Don’t do this,” said Ben, his voice now hard. “You can’t do this. If you go through with this, Evvie, I will never forgive you.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered as a long silence fell. And because neither of them knew what else to say, she put down the phone.
PART II
the in-between years