That spoke volumes, since a guy like Knox had a lot to live for. “I need you.” I’d never said those words to anyone else, in or out of bed. To me needing someone represented vulnerability, but admitting it to Knox felt right.
“Let me grab my jeans,” he said, sitting up.
I knew he was going for a condom, but I grabbed his arm. “Only if you want to.” It would be the ultimate sign of trust on my part. Most would call it stupidity, given Knox’s history, but I knew in my heart he would never put me at risk. If there was even the slightest chance he could hurt me, he’d insist on protection.
His eyes lingered on mine before he sank back against the pillows. “Sweetheart, this is a big deal. I know you’re on the pill, but—”
“If you’re worried about pregnancy, I—”
“No, that’s not it.” He was on his side, facing me, as he guided my hand to his chest, placing my palm over his heart. “I’d die before I’d hurt you.”
“I know.”
My lips curved as I leaned in to kiss him, to reassure him, that I knew what I was doing. We’d talked about it before, and I knew how much he wanted this. So did I. I wasn’t sure about the future of our relationship, a lot would depend on my father’s condition, but I didn’t want to let Knox go. No matter how hard it was, I wanted to believe we could maintain a relationship, and given his show of faith in us, I wanted to prove to him that I was on the same page. Ready to go all in.
“You’re sure?” he asked, still looking uncertain.
“Are you?” I knew if there was a doubt in his mind he’d air on the side of caution, and I was okay with that, because it meant he was putting me and my well-being first. I couldn’t erase his past, or pretend that he hadn’t lived a lot of life before I came along to shake things up, but from the first time he’d made love to me, I knew it was just the two of us and I didn’t have to worry about anyone else.
He touched his forehead to mine and whispered, “I want this. So much.”
“So do I.” I curled my hand around the back of his neck and held his gaze in mine. “I trust you completely, Knox. I trust you with my body and my heart.” I’d never felt so exposed, but no one had ever made me feel safer.
“It’s crazy,” he said, his voice gritty. “How much I love you. I had no idea I could feel like this. So… sure, that this is right.”
So right. Those were the words echoing in my head as I pushed against his shoulders so he was lying flat on his back when I straddled him. His blue eyes were glittering in the dim light as I claimed him one agonizingly perfect inch at a time. He filled me so completely. Every empty, aching, scarred crevice was overflowing with his love when his body claimed mine.
His hands gripped my hips and he set the pace while we focused on each other. Our bodies were the vessels allowing us to communicate without words as we found a rhythm that sated my hunger. For him. The long and lonely hours when I vacillated between the fear of losing my father or losing Knox, were obliterated as I realized I didn’t have to fear losing him. He wasn’t going anywhere. He was mine. I was his. And no matter what happened, we’d be there for each other.
I could feel the heat rising, the tension coiling as he rocked me, creating that delicious friction that threatened to set me off again.
“So good,” I whispered, letting my head fall back. Total surrender. That’s how I would have described that moment. No fear. No anxiety. No tomorrow. Just complete acceptance of my blessings and the man who righted my world.
“Let go for me, angel.”
His quiet command must have been tethered to my core because no sooner he said the words and I was freefalling. His name was a raspy cry on my lips as I held his hands in mine, riding the crest of fulfillment.
He closed his eyes before swearing softly. “Jesus, Ce, I want to—”
“Let go for me.” I echoed his words, knowing my hold over him was as powerful as his over me.
The grumble deep in his throat was almost primal when that first blast seared me. I’d never experienced this before and I suspected he hadn’t either. It was raw and real and scary and perfect, all at the same time. I felt the surge, the rush, hot and fiery, like his body’s intent was inundating mine with his essence.
When I felt the last rush, I collapsed on his chest, threading my hands through his hair. I’d felt connected to him before, but this experience just intensified everything. It was like my heart was locked to his and I never wanted to free it.
I finally rolled over, curling into his arms as he brushed my hair off my face before looking down into my eyes. “I love you, girl. Like that crazy-obsessed, you’re my world, kind of feeling.”
I giggled, thinking I couldn’t have put it better than my songwriter had. “Ditto.”
We laid in silence for a few seconds, wrapped up in each other’s arms before he said, “Best childhood memory. What is it?”
I thought he knew everything about me already, but he’d never asked that before. “Um, it would have to be on my grandparents’ farm. We’d all get together for Sunday dinners, aunts, uncles, cousins, and we’d come early enough to help my grand-daddy collect eggs and feed the animals.” A content smile spread over my face. “I loved that.”
“Where was their farm?”
“About twenty miles from here. When my grandparents passed my daddy and his siblings sold the place, but I know Daddy would have liked to keep it in the family. Unfortunately, they couldn’t agree, so it was sold off to the highest bidder. I always drive by when I’m in town. The new owners seem to be maintaining it pretty well, so that’s good, I guess.”
“We’ll have to take a drive by there on the way to the hospital. I’d love to see it.”
“Hmm.” I ran my hand over his chest, before outlining the ink that represented my initials on his arm. “What about you? Favorite childhood memory?”
“That would have to be working on cars with the old man. He had this classic Corvette, a ’67 Stingray, and we’d work on it together from the time I was about thirteen, I guess. Every weekend. The best day of my life was the summer I turned seventeen and he finally let me drive it.”
I laughed, trying to imagine Knox at that age. “That’s sweet.”
“I knew how much he loved that car.” He stared at the ceiling, running his fingertip over my shoulder. “Cool as hell when he finally let me drive it.”
“What happened to it?” I asked. “The car?”
“Mama sold it after he passed.” He cleared his throat. “I should’ve kept it. At the time, I couldn’t stand to look at it. Hurt too much. But now I’d give anything to take it out for a spin again.”
“Maybe you could track it down?” I suggested. “If your mama kept the paperwork the VIN number would be on it, right? I’m sure if you offered the current owner enough, told them your story, they’d let you buy it.” I tipped my head back, looking him in the eye. “Don’t you think?”
“I never thought about it, to be honest. Maybe.” He smiled. “Sure would be nice to have that old car again.”
“Is that why you and my father bonded so quickly?” I asked. “Because of your passion for old cars and motorcycles?” If Daddy could have hand-picked a son, I had no doubt it would be someone like Knox, who shared all of his passions.
“I guess so.” He chuckled. “But honestly, I’d never met anyone quite like Chee. Scared the shit out of me first time we met. I’d known a lot of old bikers, from playin’ the bar scene, but it was different with him. I knew he was sizin’ me up, tryin’ to figure out whether I wanted to get in your pretty little panties.” He squeezed my butt, making me laugh. “I had to convince him I was just a good friend, before he started to trust me.”
“You don’t know how many times over the years he asked why the hell I couldn’t find a boyfriend like you instead of wasting my time with all those losers, as he called them.”
“That surprises me. All that BS online about the women I’d screwed around with. I would’ve thought I’d be the las
t dude he’d want his little princess to hook up with.”
“He knows you.” I tapped his chest. “He knows your heart. Same as I do. Knows you’re a good man, that your friends and family are everything to you. And I guess he thought you’d be careful with my heart, if I ever came to my senses and gave it to you.”
He kissed me before he whispered, “Best damn gift I ever got, angel. The day you trusted me with your heart.”
We’d taken the long way to the hospital, driven by my grandparents’ old farmhouse, even though it was hard to see much on the dimly lit country road. And we’d talked, the way we used to before we became a couple. It was a relief, knowing that even though he was my lover now, my boyfriend, Knox was still my best friend too.
By the time we arrived in the ICU Charli and Mama had already spent time with Daddy, so I was granted a few minutes before he had to turn in.
“Hey, you,” I said, pecking my head into his room. “Up for one more visitor?”
“Get in here,” he grumbled. “Wanna talk to you.”
I tried not to let my nerves get the best of me. If my father knew I was a wreck he’d let me have it for torturing myself with my thoughts. He’d always been an easy-going guy who let life unfold instead of trying to control it. Except when it came to our boyfriends. On that subject he always had to have his say.
I sat in the chair next to his bed and reached for his hand, waiting for him to start.
“I saw your boyfriend earlier.” He smirked. “It’s about time you two got your act together.”
“It may have taken awhile, but Knox was worth the wait.” I smiled. “You’re happy… about us?”
He raised a bushy grey eyebrow as he released my hand to lace his hands over his stomach. “Would it matter if I wasn’t?”
“No.”
“Good.” He chuckled. “If you’re worried about what other people think I didn’t raise you right. Only thing you should care about is whether he makes you happy. Does he?”
I nodded. “Very.” No hesitation, just certainty, that’s what I felt when he questioned me about Knox.
“He’s crazy about you. Any idiot can see that.” He cleared his throat, blinking. “That’s all I ever wanted for my girls. For you to find men who could see how special y’all were. I’m glad you have Knox now, but your sister—”
“Will get her happy ending, Daddy.” I didn’t want him to go into surgery tomorrow worrying about us and what might happen if he wasn’t around to watch after us anymore. “I know she will. She’s too amazing for some smart guy not to see that.”
He nodded. “I guess you’re right. But do me a favour. Look out for her, make sure she doesn’t get in too deep with the wrong guy or—”
“You’ll be around to look out for her,” I assured him, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. I knew what he was trying to tell me… in case he didn’t make it I needed to be my little sister’s protector, but I refused to believe he wouldn’t make it.
He was too tough, too stubborn to go out like that, on a damn operating table. If I knew him he’d kiss this world good-bye in a blaze of glory, going way too fast on his chopper, flipping off the cop trying to chase him down. He’d die like he lived. On his terms.
“You’ll be around for a long time, to intimidate our boyfriends, walk us down the aisle to meet the men you deem good enough…” I smiled, swiping at tears spilling down my cheeks. “And don’t forget tormentin’ Mama. What would she do if she didn’t have you to get her all riled up?”
He chuckled as he brushed away a tear on my cheek with his finger. “True enough.” His expression was somber when he said, “She’d be lost without me. Just like I’d be lost without her.”
“That’s why you’ve got to stick around, to take care of her.”
I’d never tried to be stronger, or felt weaker. I kept telling myself I was his daughter and he hadn’t raised me to be a snivelling crybaby, but nothing prepares you for the possibility of having to say good-bye to the man who’s been your hero since you were in diapers.
“But I know if it’s my time to go, she’s got you and your sister. You’d never let her down.”
I knew he was looking for reassurance, but that would mean conceding that this might really be the end, the last time I saw him, and I couldn’t do that. When they wheeled him off to surgery in the morning he’d be taking a piece of my heart with him and the only way I’d get it back is if he came back to us. Alive.
“Of course we wouldn’t let Mama down. But livin’ without you, you know that’s not an option for her.” I rolled my eyes, trying to lighten the mood. “I can’t claim to understand the way y’all relate, but it works. You’re the only one for her and she’s the only one for you.” Kind of like me and Knox.
“That’s the way it’s always been.” He smiled. “I knew when I caught her eye at that rowdy biker bar all those years ago that I was lookin’ at a little lady that was gonna keep me on my toes. And she has been.” He reached for my hand, squeezing. “I wouldn’t have traded a day with her for anything. And bein’ your daddy, yours and Charli’s, that’s been the biggest blessin’ of my life.”
Cue the damn waterworks and pass the tissue. “I know, Daddy. You’re… the best.” That was the only way to describe this man. He was the best. Father. Friend. Protector. Cheerleader. He was all of those things in one tough, mean, package lined with a heart of gold. A badly damaged heart that was barely beating.
I rested my head on the bedframe, my hand still wrapped in his. There was so much I knew I should say, but I was afraid. Thank you felt too final. I love you— too obvious. I need you— too selfish. So what could you say to someone who’d breathed life into you, kept you safe, made you feel protected, chased the bullies away, convinced you to follow your dreams, and helped you believe in yourself? What could you say to the man who’d made you the woman you were?
“You’re my rock,” I said finally, hoping that summed it up. “I knew no matter how bad life got, you’d always be there.” And I prayed I’d be able to count on that for many more years, just like he’d come to count on me, if God spared him. “I couldn’t have chased my dreams if you hadn’t been there cheering me on, Daddy.”
My first years in Nashville, playing the bar scene, I’d call my parents every Sunday night, and I’d tried to sound happy, but he saw right through the façade. He told me if chasing your dreams was easy everyone would do it. It was supposed to be hard. It was only for the strong-willed, and I was too strong to turn back now. He said he was proud of me, had faith in me, and he knew I was gonna make it.
I owed my success to him. If not for him, I wouldn’t be sharing a stage with the love of my life, in front of forty thousand people every night. I’d probably be waiting tables and crying over my lost dreams.
“Enough of this sappy shit,” he said, giving me a lingering look that let me know he appreciated every word. “Gotta get some sleep now.”
“Okay.” I stood, kissing his forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow, when you get out of surgery.”
“God willing.”
My father had never been an openly religious man, but I suspected he’d had a few conversations with his Maker, as of late.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“I know you do.” His nod was brief. “Right back atcha, baby girl.”
Chapter 20
Knox
The last few days had been a whirlwind, and for a man who lived in the fast lane, that was saying a lot. Chee made it through the surgery, with no unexpected setbacks, and was on the slow road to recovery.
I’d been working behind the scenes, securing the house both Aidy and Chee had given their stamp of approval. And setting plans in motion… for the rest of my life.
Now I was driving down an old country road, trying to deflect questions from my girl, praying she had the same vision I did for our future.
“You want to take a look at my grandparents’ old farmhouse in the daylight?” she asked, recognizing th
e familiar route.
“Yeah.” Not much else I could say without tipping her off. “I thought we could use a little fresh air too. Maybe have a picnic.”
“Aww, that’s so sweet.” She threaded her fingers through mine. “That would be awesome, especially after being cooped up in that hospital so long. I swear, after Daddy’s released, I hope we never have to see the inside of a hospital again for a long, long time.”
“Not so long, I hope.” I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye, trying to gauge her reaction. “Unless you’re into those at home, underwater births? That might be kind of cool.” I wanted her to know that I’d thought about it and was anxious to have a family with her. We hadn’t talked about it since before Chee got sick, and hadn’t been sure even then, but I hoped we were on the same page now.
“What are you saying?” she asked, hesitantly. “You could see yourself being a daddy someday?”
Watching the relationship Chee had with his girls solidified it for me. I wanted a baby girl that I could spoil, whose boyfriends I could harass. I wanted her to count on me to protect her, to be her hero, and for her to look at me the way Charli and Cece looked at their daddy. I wanted her to have her mama’s crazy curls and huge heart. Maybe my wild streak and big personality. Whoever she was, I knew she’d be perfect in my eyes.
“I could.” I kissed the back of her hand. “But only if you could see yourself bein’ a mama, baby.” I didn’t want to pressure her, but I prayed she wanted this as much as I did.
Her smile was slow, but eventually spread to light up her whole face. “I definitely could. I’m so glad to hear you say that.”
We pulled into the long gravel drive that had been a huge part of her childhood and she cast me an uncertain look. “Uh Knox, aren’t we trespassing?”
“No worries, babe. I got permission to be here.” I wanted this to be the place where we started our next chapter. A place where she had some of her best memories, and I could blend the old with the new, to let her know that her past made her the woman I’d fallen in love with.
Bad Habits (Nashville Outlaws #1) Page 19