Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  In response, I pick up another beam.

  “I’m fine,” I say. I pause and sigh. “Or, rather, I really need the money right now.”

  “Having trouble with bills?” Trevor guesses.

  “Worse,” I say gloomily. “Lily’s birthday is in two months.”

  Trevor blinks at me as we carry the wood toward the building. Several other workers are scurrying around it as we put up the frame. One man is standing on the roof frame, his harness firmly connected, reaching down for the beam someone is passing up to him. It’s a hive of activity.

  “Shouldn’t that be a good thing?” Trevor asks, frowning. Then his expression clears as he understands. “Ah. She’s asked for something you can’t buy her?”

  “Bullseye.” I groan. “She wants a new computer. I can understand; the only thing we have now is on its last legs, and we’re lucky we can connect to the internet at all on it. When she has assignments, I have to take her to the library to do the research. She can’t play any of the games her friends are playing. She’s usually a good sport about it, but she’s getting older now, and she probably feels like she’s being left behind by her tech-savvy friends.” I scowl. “That fucking Maddison has probably been in her ear, too.”

  Maddison Brown is ten years old, very clever and very cruel, at least to my daughter. Coming from a fairly rich family, she often teases Lily about the things she doesn’t have because I can’t afford them. When all the children were playing the new Nintendo handheld systems, and Lily was forced to borrow a friend’s, she came home in tears because of Maddison teasing her about it. Complaining to her parents never helped either; they just shrugged as though to ask what I wanted them to do about it.

  “Poor Lils,” Trevor says sympathetically. “I can understand not fitting in. It’s a hard burden for a child to bear.”

  “I don’t want her to bear it. It isn’t fair that she has to suffer because I can’t provide properly for her,” I say, frustrated. My shoulders slump. “But what can I do about it? I can’t afford a new computer. I do have bills coming up, and they have to be paid first. I’ll be lucky if I have anything left after I’ve paid for everything. At most, I might have a hundred dollars…and that’s not nearly fucking enough for a computer. At least, not one that I expect to work.”

  “Even used computers are a few hundred dollars,” Trevor agrees. “She’d probably want something brand new, though.”

  “No, she said she was okay with used, if that was all I could manage,” I say before letting out a sigh. “That’s the worst part; Lily has been so good about it, and she tries so hard not to ask for much. I’d give her the world if I could, but it’s just not possible. I’ve even been thinking about picking up another job just so we have a little extra.”

  “It might not be worth it,” Trevor advises. “You’ll barely see Lily. What would she rather; money to buy things, or seeing you?”

  “Right now, seeing me, probably, but she’s going to be a teenager soon. I imagine that tune will change,” I say with a snort.

  “Fuck, that’s not too far away,” Trevor laughs. “I can’t imagine sweet Lily as one of those argumentative, emotional teenagers, though.”

  I glance sideways at him. “Then you haven’t seen her when I ground her. She’s not so sweet when she gets caught doing something wrong.”

  Not that it is that often. Lily tries to stay out of trouble as much as possible, but she’s only young, and she can be quite mischievous. Last month I had to ground her when she and her friends decided to go for a walk around the streets after midnight; she was meant to be sleeping over her best friend’s house with a few other girls, and the only reason we even know what they got up to was because Georgia had worked quite late and passed them all on the side of the road, giggling at getting away with sneaking out.

  Still, Trevor was right, I’m not going to trade those moments with Lily for a little extra money, not right now. Lily and Georgia are all the family I have in the world. As hard as being a single parent has been, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

  “Maybe I can save up for a little longer; I think Lily will be okay with a late gift, if it comes down to it,” I say. “I can get her a cake, and maybe something small, and put away a little money a week until I have enough to get her something nice.”

  “She’d probably appreciate that,” Trevor says with a nod. “I wish my son were as easygoing as your daughter; he told me he hated me yesterday because I wouldn’t buy him that new game that came out. And the only reason I didn’t was because I bought him a game on the weekend.”

  Trevor earns as much as I do but his wife is a lawyer, so they’ve never wanted for money. I’m often fascinated by the relationship between Trevor and his wife; they’re as different as night and day, but they’re so very in love. They’re both lovely people, but their son, the same age as Lily, is very spoiled.

  “Wow,” I comment. “Jason might need to remember that he can’t always get what he wants.”

  “Anita and I were saying the same,” Trevor grimaces. “We’re going to have to talk about what to do.”

  “It’s stories like that which make me grateful that Lily doesn’t give me too hard a time,” I say with a laugh.

  ‘Just wait,” Trevor says sagely. “Jason and Lily are going to be teenagers at the same time.”

  We both consider this and shudder.

  “A few years away yet,” I say.

  “Good,” Trevor says with feeling. He puts his beam down and claps me on the shoulder. “In regards to not being able to provide for Lily; you need to stop feeling so bad. Lily loves you very much. You’ve been a great father to her, and you’ve done most of it on your own. She might be disappointed if you can’t get her what she wants, but she’s not going to hold it against you for long. You’re not a bad father just because you can’t afford something.”

  I grimace and don’t answer. Sometimes I feel like the worst parent in the world when I watch other children with their brand name shoes or their shiny new games, while all I can provide Lily is used clothes from the thrift store or old games that I managed to pick up cheap by chance.

  Somehow, I swear, I’m going to get Lily a brand new computer. I don’t know how yet, but I’ll look into the options I have and keep my fingers crossed. Just once, I want to give my daughter something she wants.

  When I pull my bike into the garage, Georgia’s car is already there. There are two days a week that I work a little later, and Georgia gets Lily from school on those days. I take my helmet off and head inside. A movie is playing on the television and I’m amused to see that it’s the movie the two of them fell asleep watching last night.

  “Finally getting to see the end of it?” I ask.

  “Dad!” Lily shrieks, leaping up, and Georgia scrambles to pause the movie.

  “Hi, Lily,” I say, catching my daughter as she flies into my arms; it’s greetings like this that make me feel like I’m doing something right. “How was school?”

  “Fine,” Lily beams. “Can you help me with my Math later?”

  As a construction worker, I often have to do calculations for measurements. As such, Math was always one of my better subjects, and Lily will normally come to me for help if she is struggling with any of her Math homework. For everything else, she goes to Georgia.

  “Sure,” I say. I sniff the air appreciatively. “Is that spaghetti and meatballs?”

  “Yeah, we got hungry, so I started cooking dinner,” Georgia says, a smile dimpling on her chocolate skin.

  “Thanks, Georgia,” I say. “You’re a godsend.”

  Georgia and I have been friends for a very long time. In the last ten years, though, I’ve grown incredibly dependent on her. It would never be fair for me to claim that I raised Lily entirely on my own, because Georgia was always right there to help when I needed it.

  Her kind, calming presence was just what I needed ten years ago, when Polly Truman abruptly disappeared from my life, leaving me with our daughter to rais
e. It’s thanks to Georgia that I was able to get back on my feet. I never did find out why Polly left, but I’m at the stage of my life where I simply can’t bring myself to care anymore. Polly is gone and I have Georgia and Lily in my life, which turned out to be a fair trade, I feel.

  Still, I sometimes sense I’m taking advantage of Georgia. She hasn’t dated much at all in the last ten years, and any relationships she has had often fell apart within the month. It’s hard to not feel like Lily and I are holding her back from finding happiness for herself, because she’s so intent on being a mom to Lily that she isn’t living her life.

  Sometimes I want to talk to Georgia about these worries that I have. I want to ask her if she’s happy or if there’s anything that I can do to make things better for her. Once or twice I’ve considered actually asking her to leave, as though I’m setting her free from some shackle that I accidentally placed around her long ago.

  I’ve never done it though. Part of me fears that saying anything will disturb the peace that we have between us and cause some problems. Deep down, I’m a little afraid that she will leave, and I don’t know if I could bear it. Georgia has been by my side for so long and it’s hard to imagine a time when she won’t be there anymore.

  Then I think that I’m just a selfish bastard that wants to keep Georgia by my side because I’m scared of my life changing unexpectedly once more.

  “I helped!” Lily says, grinning up at me. “Georgia let me put the spaghetti on the stove.”

  “Great,” I laugh. “We’ll make a fine chef out of you yet, Lils. Do you guys want to eat now, or do you want to finish the movie first?”

  “Can we finish the movie first?” Georgia asks immediately. She grins sheepishly at me. “We really wanted to see how it ended.”

  “Alright,” I say, laughing. “How much longer does it have?”

  “Fifteen minutes?” Lily guesses, glancing at Georgia for confirmation.

  “Around that,” Georgia agrees.

  “Then you guys finish and I’ll dish up dinner,” I say, nudging Lily back toward the couch. “Why don’t we eat in the living room and watch something else after?”

  “Yeah!” Lily cheers. She races back into the living room. “I’ll choose another movie!”

  “Let’s finish this one first!” Georgia protests.

  I chuckle as I head into the kitchen, listening as the movie begins playing once more. Instantly, both Georgia and Lily have fallen quiet, enamored with the story playing out on the television. I turn my attention to the two pots bubbling cheerfully on the stove, one of spaghetti and one with the meat sauce. Three plates are already laid out neatly on the table; no doubt Georgia put them there in preparation for dinner.

  It’s not the first time I’ve arrived home to find that Georgia has cooked dinner for us, and it likely won’t be the last. I make a mental note to return the favor at some point in the next week; I could cook her my beef stew with rice, which she’s always loved.

  Remembering that the two most important girls in my life are waiting for me, I move into the kitchen with a small smile. Future dinner plans can wait. Right now, I just want to spend this time with them; seeing the two of them is my favorite part of the day, after all.

  Chapter Four

  Georgia

  “You’re a godsend.”

  It’s funny how those words, said so fervently and genuinely, could have such an effect on me. I pasted a smile on my face for Ethan and the madly waving Lily as I put my car in reverse, giving them one last wave of my own before backing my car out of the garage and leaving the tiny house behind.

  Then my smile fell.

  “You’re a godsend.”

  It’s a compliment, of course. But, all day, I haven’t managed to shake that dreary, empty feeling that I woke up with early in the morning after my dream. Hearing those words from Ethan just reminded me, all over again, of how much Ethan actually relies on me, and how tightly connected I am to this small family of a preteen girl and a single father.

  I sigh as I drive up the road. When Lily was born, any discontent I might have felt with my situation, especially after Ethan and I slept together, was immediately swept away. Lily was only a baby after all, and Ethan was poorly equipped to deal with it. He couldn’t change her diaper, he didn’t know what to feed her, he wasn’t even capable of putting her down to sleep since she would just cry every time he tried to walk away. Often, I found the poor man sound asleep on the floor beside Lily’s crib.

  So, Ethan definitely needed me back then. I had a little experience in looking after children when my older sister had twins, and I passed on that knowledge to make things a little easier for both Ethan and Lily.

  When Lily was a toddler, things weren’t as dire. Ethan had managed to settle into his role as a father a little more, though the new hazard of Lily walking and bumping into everything kept us running around after her almost constantly. But Ethan still needed me, because he was overwhelmed and trying to do too much at once. When Lily was five, I established a new rule; if Ethan hadn’t left the house at least once that week, I was kicking him out.

  At some point over those years, he joined the Roughshod Rollers. The group was good for him; before, he had run around with some other motorcycle enthusiasts, but none of them had been very close. When he became friends with Kyle, Grant and the others though, things started turning around for him.

  I gradually realized that Ethan didn’t need me as much anymore. Yet we still clung to each other, because change is terrifying and we had fallen into our roles a long time ago. Neither of us knew how to do anything different anymore.

  But…

  I pull up at my apartment and kill the engine. I sit there for a moment, staring sightlessly down at the steering wheel.

  Lily is getting older. She’s ten. No, actually, she’ll be eleven in two months, won’t she? Before we know it, she’ll be a teenager, and then it’ll only be another short leap until she’s an adult. She’s grown into a beautiful, independent young girl, and she doesn’t need Ethan and me running around after her anymore.

  So where does that leave Ethan and me? I try to answer that question, but I don’t really know how to. Ethan and I will always be best friends, of course. But now that Lily doesn’t need us in the way she used to, our relationship will inevitably change. In a few years, she won’t even need a babysitter anymore, so there won’t be any point in me going around to Ethan’s place a few times a week. If I continued doing that, it would be for Ethan’s sake, not for Lily’s.

  But Ethan isn’t the one I need to be looking after. I helped him get on his feet and I helped raise Lily, to the point where I’m pretty much her surrogate mother, but that’s where the line is drawn. Any further, and I start acting like I’m Ethan’s girlfriend or wife.

  And as much as I would like to have one of those titles, I have neither.

  I open my car door and head into the apartment building. My apartment is on the fifth floor, which always amazes Lily when she comes to visit, since their house is all on ground level.

  Pamela Affrey is leaving from the apartment next door to mine as I approach, and she looks up when I pull my keys out, caught by the jangling sound. Her face lights up.

  “Georgia!” she says, grinning. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine,” I say politely.

  Pamela moved in several months ago. At first, I thought she was kind yet earnest, and she tried very hard to get to know me, which was flattering. Unfortunately, it’s been in the last month that I discovered that Pamela is also an incorrigible gossip; I told her about my feelings for Ethan and, before I knew it, the entire damn building knew. Now, whenever Ethan and Lily arrive, I get sympathetic or teasing smiles from my neighbors.

  “I’m just heading out on a date,” Pamela gushes. She eyes me. “Have you been out with Ethan again?”

  My smile turns strained.

  “I’ve been at work,” I lie. “Excuse me, it’s been a long day, if you don’t mind…?”
/>
  “Of course!” Pamela says. “Have a nice night!”

  “You too,” I return, watching as she leaves and childishly making a face at her retreating back.

  It was petty, but at least it made me feel a little better.

  I step inside my apartment. I don’t spend a lot of time here, to be honest. I spend most of my days at Ethan’s place, as much as I hate to admit it, and any time I do spend here is usually to sleep or to stop and grab something. As such, my apartment always has a cold, impersonal feeling to it, as though it doesn’t actually have an owner. I flick the light switch on and head to the kitchen.

  I’d planned on making a coffee, but I pause when I see there’s no kettle on the table. Where was….? Oh, that was right, the only one broke last week. But I thought I stopped in and bought a new one?

  After a moment of searching, I find the kettle. It was still in its box, a receipt dated three days ago beside it. I close my eyes briefly. This is my life, apparently. An apartment that doesn’t feel like home, new appliances that I haven’t even unboxed days after buying them, and a warm, loving house that I would so much prefer to stay at, but won’t because doing so only breaks my heart a little more each time.

  I laugh hollowly, a sound that echoes around the empty space. This is ridiculous. I pull the kettle out of the box and set it up, flicking the switch after I fill it with water. The sound of the boiling kettle is oddly loud and I head into the living room to turn on the television, desperate for some sound to make the world feel a little more full. A children’s show instantly turns on; Lily was the last one to watch anything on my television, after all.

  “Fuck it,” I sigh, and head to my cupboard to pick out a movie.

  On my way, however, I notice a blinking light on my phone. Barely anyone ever calls me on my landline, but it came installed with the apartment, so I handed out the number to everyone anyway, just in case. The only person who ever regularly calls the number is my boss.