Zero Regret

by Autumn Jones Lake

  “Why flattered?”

  “Because, I think I told you many times. My job consisted of writing policy analysis and proposals that would end up sitting on someone’s desk. No matter how qualified I am…or was, I put up with a lot of shit.”

  “Like what?” I growl.

  “I don’t want to get into that right now. Let’s just say a lot of legislators are old, rich, white men who aren’t interested in the opinions of younger, educated females. They’re still busy sneaking cigars in their offices and complaining how it’s not ‘PC’ to slap your secretary on the ass anymore.”

  “Shocking.” I don’t say it to be dismissive. More like, nothing shocks me anymore. And I’ve dealt with enough crooked politicians to know most of them are about as advanced as your average cave-dweller.

  “Anyway, this was a big project. I wanted to move up at some point and this could’ve done that for me. I was…flattered that I’d been chosen for it. I thought maybe finally someone noticed more than my big tits for a change.”

  My stomach tightens with the anticipation of where this conversation is headed.

  “I feel so foolish now. I should’ve recognized what was going on. He wasn’t interested in anything I had to contribute. We’d have these long discussions about my research and I thought he valued my opinions, but the whole time…”

  Her voice trails off and she glances away.

  “Go on.”

  Her hands ball into fists in her lap and she takes several deep breaths. “Jesus, I don’t think I can do this.”

  “Take your time.” I move closer to wrap an arm around her shoulders and she stops me.

  “Not right now. Please.”

  I pull away, even though it kills me.

  She stands and paces in front of me. “I said it was long hours, right? That wasn’t so unusual when we were in session. Especially around budget time. But in the fall, a lot of people take time off. It can be like a ghost town in our…in those offices.”

  “Someone give you a hard time?” Even if someone hassled her, it doesn’t explain why she’d up and quit. Then move to the other side of the country and keep my kid away from me.

  Finally, she stops moving and stands completely still.

  Time seems to slow down as she meets my eyes and whispers my worst nightmare.

  “Someone raped me. In my office after hours.”

  “What?” I jump off the couch and reach for her, but she backs away. “Lilly, come here, please?”

  “I can’t right now.”

  Okay, this isn’t about me. It’s about her. Even if it kills me, right now she needs space. I hold up my hands and back up. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I’m not the kind of woman who runs to a man to solve her problems.”

  “That’s absurd.” I’m coming out of my damn skin and stop to rub hands over my cheeks while I process her explanation. “I’m not a man. I’m your man.” The last syllable sticks on my tongue. “Or I wanted to be your man. That means I help you solve your problems.”

  “How could I tell you something like that? Would you have even believed me?”

  “Of course, I would.”

  “Well, you’d be the first,” she mutters.

  “What are you talking about?” My blood burns thinking of her going to someone else for help. “Who did you tell?”

  Lilly

  Being strong helps us survive bad times. Being brave allows us to change our future. Back then I survived by telling myself over and over that I was stronger than one incident. That the rape could only destroy me if I let it. That I could be brave and hold my head up high, even if I was dying inside.

  I was wrong. So many things were stolen from me in one night. It took months to calculate the damage and by then, it was a chasm of misery I thought I’d never overcome.

  Finally, I stop my furious pacing and drop down on the couch. “Eventually, I had to face that what happened screwed me up more than I wanted to admit. Running to California didn’t make the pain go away.”

  Rage and confusion cloud Z’s beautiful eyes. He’s shaking with the effort of not losing his shit. “What happened?” he rasps.

  I reach down and trace the line on my left arm. “I couldn’t take it anymore.” Briefly, I glance up and meet his eyes. “Please, don’t…I can’t go back to that place. To explain where my head was at. I worked so hard…after.”

  Z swallows hard and gives me a tight nod. “Tell me what you can. Please.”

  “That’s how I found out I was pregnant.” I reach over and squeeze his leg. “You’re the first person I thought about when they told me…” Even though tears break free and roll down my cheeks, I smile.

  Z doesn’t return the gesture. His jaw is too tense. Hot fury burns in his eyes. “Go on.”

  “That’s what I meant when I said Chance saved me. I was so scared what I had done, what I put my body through might have hurt him. When the doctors–Ted–assured me he was okay, I was so relieved. I already loved my baby so much.” I stare down at my hands in my lap, allowing my hair to fall over my shoulder, providing me with some privacy. “Then I realized…” My throat constricts with shame. “I didn’t know if…I couldn’t be sure you were the father,” I whisper.

  “Baby, come here.” This time, I allow Z to wrap me up in his arms and pull me closer. He kisses the top of my head. “I wouldn’t have cared, Lilly. I just wanted you.”

  “It mattered to me. I didn’t know what to do.”

  “You should’ve told me.” His anguished voice doesn’t make this any easier. “So I could help you.”

  “How? How could I explain that?”

  He pushes me back gently to look me in the eyes. “You should have told me everything.”

  “How could I? What would you have done?”

  “Killed the motherfucker,” he says simply.

  “See?” I push my way out of his hold and sit back. “I knew that’s what your answer would be. What you’d try to do.”

  He shakes his head and jumps up, pacing in front of me. “Try nothing.”

  “Are you going to let me finish?”

  He stops pacing and stares at me, as if he’s surprised there’s more to the story.

  “The night it happened. At the hospital, the police came and spoke to me. I didn’t shy away or hide who did it. Sure, in the back of my head, I worried someone would try to cover it up because he was a Senator. But I told myself that was stupid. That this is the real world and he wouldn’t get away with what he’d done.”

  Z stares at me.

  “Trust me, I understand now how foolish that was. In hindsight, I think I was in shock.”

  “Who came?”

  “First Empire PD, but then they kicked it up to the State Police.”

  “Do you remember who?”

  That murderous gleam in Z’s eyes melts my heart but also scares me to death. “Give it a rest, Z. They listened and took me seriously. At least I thought so at the time.”

  “What changed?”

  “An investigator from the US Attorney’s office showed up at my house the next morning.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Do you remember the leader of the Senate, Shane Kelly, the one who was forced to resign after he and a small group of other senators were arrested on federal corruption charges?”

  “Yeah, a few were from the city and one was from western New York, right?”

  I nod, even though I’m surprised Z remembers that much about it. It seemed to make a big dramatic splash in the news for about a day, then quietly went away. The kind of corruption they’d been accused of was behavior so ingrained in the way business was done in the legislature the arrests and scandal came as a shock. Too many powerful people had a vested interest in making the case go away.

  And too many others needed to make sure the charges stuck.

  “They had put years of work into this investigation and didn’t want my silly little rape to screw up their larger corruption case.” The bittern
ess in my voice surprises me. After all, I’ve had a few years to work through the injustice. It shouldn’t still sting this much.

  The outlaw biker lurking beneath Z’s charming surface peeks through. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “No. They strongly suggested I rethink the damage it would do to my career and personal life. Reminded me that my ‘past’ would be brought up.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “I was thoroughly vetted when I was hired. I never hid that I used to be a dancer.”

  “Still not seeing the connection?”

  “Danced naked for money equals slut who deserves to be raped. I thought I put that part of my life behind me, but apparently I can never move on from it.”

  “Jesus Christ. You put yourself through school to—”

  “I’m aware. When that threat didn’t work, they questioned how much I knew about the corrupt transactions. I had nothing to hide.” I reach out and touch his leg. “But the final straw was that they swore all of my current associations would be thoroughly investigated.”

  “You were worried I’d make you look bad?” he asks.

  “God no. I was worried I’d bring trouble to your door. That your club might come under investigation.”

  “Fuck that, Lilly. My club can handle some government intrusion.”

  “Let me finish.”

  I wait until he nods.

  “I was afraid if you went after him when he was being so thoroughly watched, you’d be the one to end up in prison.” My voice breaks. “I didn’t want that. No matter how I resisted falling for you at first, I knew how much I already loved you.” My hoarse voice dies out and I shake my head, unable to form another word.

  “That was my decision to make, Lilly.” He kneels in front of me and takes my hands. “I get that I haven’t always been forthcoming with information about what I do, but I’m not a stupid man. I don’t act impulsively. I also don’t let anyone hurt the people I love.”

  “I was terrified. They wanted me to go back to work as if nothing happened.”

  “What? How?”

  “So I could dig up information about him. Their twisted way to let me “help” take him down so I’d feel justice prevailed or some nonsense. But just thinking of looking at my desk again… The—”

  My voice breaks, a startlingly clear image of that night forming in my mind. For a second, I can’t speak.

  “Lilly?”

  “I’m fine,” I continue in a calmer voice. “I couldn’t do it. I got sick every time I thought about walking through those doors.”

  “Lilly, a bunch of your friends are lawyers, why didn’t you ask one of them for help?”

  “I didn’t want to put any of my friends in danger. They threatened to arrest me if I said anything about the investigation to anyone.”

  I shake my head and take another deep breath. I’m almost done. I’d survived the darkest memories. “The worst was how terrified I was that he’d get me alone again. I couldn’t look at his smug, evil face, knowing what he’d gotten away with.” I shrug and shake my head, ignoring the tears now freely raining down my cheeks. “So, I ran.”

  Z

  My damn heart’s cracking in two.

  This is so much worse than I thought. And yet, in the darkest parts of my mind it’s what I’d dreaded the most.

  My pride could handle Lilly running because she was scared of me or the club. In my world, those fears make sense. Especially since she’s an outsider. More than ever, I wish the club was what chased her away. My love for her can’t stand that someone hurt and threatened her.

  A fury like I’ve never known races through my veins. My mind’s veering away from logic and towards a punishing murder spree.

  “Z,” she whispers, breaking through my red fog of anger. “Please. There’s nothing you can do.”

  “Like fuck I can’t.” My rage pitches toward cold-blooded murdering rampage territory.

  “Everyone has their eye on him, in case he tries to flee the country before the trial.”

  “So?”

  “You can’t do anything.”

  “I won’t do a thing.” The lie rolls right off my tongue. This matter is out of Lilly’s hands now. She never has to know. I don’t want any of it in her head. But this will be handled. My need to fight, to hurt someone, has me clenched tight.

  She tilts her head. “Do you think I’m an idiot?”

  “You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever known.”

  Something about her expression softens. “Then don’t lie to me.”

  “I won’t do anything half-cocked. Is that better?”

  “No.”

  “He needs to be punished for this, Lilly.” More specifically, he needs to die.

  “You have enough to handle right now.” She raises an eyebrow. Ah, reminding me how my club duties have expanded exponentially lately is a good move on her part. It won’t stop me from doing what needs to be done but it’s a solid play.

  “You’re safe with me, Lilly. You know that, right?”

  “And I want you to be safe with me.” She bites her lip. “I can’t be the cause of any trouble for you. I’ve already—”

  “Don’t.” I glance around the living room. A few taped-up boxes are stacked by the dining table. “Is that all you’re taking down to the house?”

  The change in conversation seems to startle her at first. “You said it’s furnished, right?”

  “You might want to buy some new sheets and stuff, but yeah.”

  She chuckles. “I can do that.” She glances over at the boxes again. “That’s all I need for right now. I told you most of my stuff is still out in California.”

  “I might be able to sneak away in a couple weeks to go help you pack up and move back.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yup.”

  “Okay. I’d like that.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “What did you tell my brother? About why Chance needed to stay over?”

  “That I wasn’t sure how late we’d be.” Even though I’m not feeling it at the moment, I give her a cocky smirk to lighten the mood. “I didn’t say it was for a fuckfest or anything.”

  The wise-ass comment has the intended effect. She chuckles softly. “God, I hope not.”

  Maybe it’s stupid, but I’m still curious about her relationship with Ted and her life in California. I’m cautious not to tread on territory that will upset her, though. “What happened…” I’m not sure how to say it. “After?”

  She lets out a long sigh and pushes her hair behind her ear. “I was in the hospital for a while. After the way I left my job and dropped everything, I had no insurance so I racked up quite a bit of debt. Ted helped me get a job. Helped me work out something with the hospital. Somehow, we started spending a lot of time together. I felt comfortable around him. He didn’t hit on me or want to date me. I figured out why later.” She laughs softly.

  And there goes my last remaining bits of jealousy over Ted. He helped her at the worst time in her life. It should’ve been me by her side. But I’m glad she wasn’t completely alone. “Guess I shoulda been nicer to the poor guy, huh?”

  “I warned you.”

  “Chance?” As much time as Lilly and I have spent together, I haven’t asked a lot of questions about Chance’s birth or what he was like as a baby. The pain’s still too fresh.

  She swallows hard and meets my eyes. “He was a beautiful baby. I mean, I know all mothers think that, but he really was. Calm too. I can’t tell you how many times I…”

  “What?”

  “Wanted to call you. You probably don’t believe me. It sounds self-serving, I know. But you were always in my thoughts. That should’ve been a clue, right?”

  Guilt slams into my gut harder than a tire iron. Lilly dealt with so much fucked up stuff. Alone. Had my kid. Shouldered all this guilt.

  And what was I doing?

  Pouting like a little boy because she left. Fucking anyone and anythin
g in sight to erase her from my memory.

  It’s an ugly truth I’m not proud of. Something I don’t ever want to tell her.

  I knew where she was. I’d tracked her ass down because the curiosity killed me. But my pride wouldn’t allow me to go to her and beg for answers.

  Now, I wish I had.

  If I’d known she was pregnant, the circumstances wouldn’t have mattered. Besides all I have to do is look at Chance or be in his presence to know he’s mine.

  “Alex was there when he was born?”

  “He was. Ted encouraged me to at least share the news with Alex and he flew out almost as soon as I told him I was pregnant and stayed with me for a while.”

  “Does he know? Did you tell him about this?” I touch her arms.

  “No. God, no.”

  Thank fuck, because if Alex knew she’d been driven to try and take her life once before and still allowed his parents to treat her so shitty, I’d probably have to kill him too.

  “Why not?”

  “I was afraid he’d do something stupid.” She twists her fingers in her hair. “Or ask me why I was working late, alone with—”

  “That’s bullshit. Is that the kind of asshole he is?”

  Her eyes snap to mine at the venom in my voice, but men who say stupid shit like that piss me off. She opens and closes her mouth and finally shakes her head.

  “You’ve met my parents. You see what they think of me. I told you how they tried to marry me off to someone twice my age. I’ll always be the one at fault in their eyes. Alex is supportive but—”

  “Go on. Tell me about Chance.”

  “As he got older, he looked so much like you. But I still wasn’t sure…then I was scared because I didn’t know how I’d explain what I’d done…”

  A couple weeks ago, I would’ve had a biting response to that. Now, I’ve got nothing.

  “I had another reason.”

  I lift my head and stare at her beautiful face.

  “He came to see me.” She wraps her right hand around her left wrist. “Right before he was arrested. I think someone had tipped him off and he wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to testify.”

  “And he went to California to find you?”