Not able to hold her gaze, I let my own wander to the soft hair hanging in loose curls across her shoulders, her high cheekbones along her smoothly curved jawline, then down to her nose and her soft, sumptuous lips. For a second, I thought I caught a glimmer of malice in her eyes before they again became sweet and calming again.
As I moved my hand down the crease of her back and towards her ass, I was shocked to find that she was wearing jeans.
“This can’t be happening…” I thought in bewilderment.
Glancing around, I saw that we were not in a bedroom, but traveling across a vast, barren landscape, which looked like a great expanse of desert. The sun was setting. Darkness would descend soon, and I would still be lost as to what was going on.
I focused my gaze back to McKinley, and I was now on top of her. Her hand rose to caress my face, but then she glared at me, full of fury, and in the blink of an eye, everything around me, including her, disappeared in a flash.
The next thing I knew, I was back in my bed, but McKinley wasn’t next to me. The only thing there was a sheen of cold sweat on the sheets that were stuck to my back. That was the third time this week. These recurring dreams about McKinley were really getting to me, and I knew it was my conscience, reminding me of how much of a jerk I was.
It had been two miserable months since I broke things off with McKinley. I had been a wreck since then, mentally curling up in the fetal position and hoping to never, ever face the world again. The only thing that kept me from going under was my job; that was the one thing that momentarily pulled me out of an indefinite slump. Work was the one place that made me feel somewhat okay. And with Casaundra suddenly gone, I had even less to worry about, though I hadn’t gotten away with a clean break.
Not long after Atticus came into my office, there was another knock, and I thought maybe he was back with more news. Instead, Casaundra was standing there with a box full of her stuff, including a plant that was hovering in her face. She had to keep blowing the leaves away from her eyes, which wasn’t doing much to contribute to the look of fury she was trying to maintain.
She dropped the box down on the floor and glared at me. “I guess you think you’re really smart, huh?”
I ran my hands through my hair with a sigh. “I just think it’s ironic that you jumped down my throat and threatened to have me fired when you were doing the same damn thing.”
“It’s not the same thing. You were just having a fling with the girl. I was… whatever. That isn’t the point. It was about you flitting in here and stealing my job. Which, congratulations, it looks like you’ve done for good. I’ll never get work in academics again.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Casaundra. Other than… good luck. And I really do hope everything works out for you.”
She looked at me like I was insane, but she didn’t say anything else. She just picked up her box and left, and that was the last I saw of Casaundra. Ever since, I’d been able to focus on my classes… and tried not to think about how much I missed McKinley. It was especially hard because I had to see her twice a week; as I walked to our final class exam, I couldn’t help but be grateful that the fall semester was ending. That meant only five months or so of running awkwardly into McKinley around campus and then she would be free to pursue her career without the anchor that was me hanging around her neck.
The entire classroom was quiet with the exception of turning notebooks, shifting papers, and pencils scratching against answer sheets. The open-note final exam had started, and I was only giving my students an hour and a half to finish it since it wasn’t especially hard. With all that was going on in my personal life, as much as I tried to separate it from my professional one, I had decided to cut back on the test since my brain was so addled and I was having trouble composing the questions. My students were lucky that I had personal drama going on, because it saved them two more essay questions and twenty-five more multiple choice.
As much pain as it had been causing me, I also hated that I wouldn’t get to see McKinley in class again. Seeing her face twice a week, once during the labs and once during regular class, had begun to gnaw at me and arouse feelings that I knew would never fully go away. But McKinley made a conscious effort to sit farther and farther away from me in class. I couldn’t blame her, but it still hurt like searing hot daggers being driven into my chest. What really made my heart wrench with agony was the way she looked at me when she had no other choice but to do so. And as time went on, she became increasingly distant in class, not sending her weekly email asking for extra credit assignments, not participating at all in class discussions, not even looking in my direction as I was doing a lecture. Her face was always buried in her laptop; the only thing I was able to see was the digital glow off her face, not her beautiful eyes.
I looked at the clock on the back wall, and there were ten minutes left of test time. By this point, about half the class had finished early, dropped their completed exams on my desk, and dismissed themselves. I was oblivious to how many students had actually gotten done ahead of time because my mind was so consumed by McKinley. The stack of exams on my desk was gradually gaining height as more students were finishing up and it snapped me back into the present. The test would be over soon.
Looking out into the crowd, which really wasn’t much of a crowd anymore, there were only a few people left still testing, about nine tops. McKinley was one of them. I was surprised and had expected her to be among the first to finish, but I supposed she was putting diligent effort into the essay questions or double-checking her test before she submitted. I stared at her and a smile began to creep out as I silently admired her conscientious work ethic. I had never anyone as smart or as dedicated as her; it was one of the things I liked most about her.
One of the sophomore girls who had wanted me to ‘guide her study group’ came up to my desk and placed her test neatly on top of the others that were hastily thrown down. She was one of the few in my class who exercised care and attention with all her work, and I appreciated that about her. She was just as meticulous as McKinley.
“Thank you,” I smiled at her. “Have a good weekend, alright?”
“Thanks, Mr. Ramsay! You too,” she replied, waddling away, her humongous backpack bobbing about.
My gaze returned to McKinley, who looked like she was on the verge of finishing up. I saw her pencil move down her paper in small increments, indicating that she was checking her answers.
Another student came up to my desk to drop his test off. “Here you go, sir,” he said with a contented half-grin.
“Thank you,” I said, neatening the pile. “How was it? You struggle at all?”
“Some parts were kind of . . . meh,” he admitted.
“Really? Well, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you, buddy,” I said with a laugh.
“I did study for it, though. I promise,” he said, adjusting the straps on his backpack.
“I believe you,” I chuckled. “I’m going to grade these this weekend, and next week, the grades will be posted. So, no waiting for grades, I promise.”
“Sounds great.”
After he left, I saw that seven students remained. In five minutes, everyone would have to call it quits.
Seconds later, McKinley finally rose, collected her belongings, and walked toward my desk. She was holding her test as if she was going to use it to cut the next person that pissed her off, and I suspected that person was me. My heart imploded as her steps, terse and testy, got louder and closer to me. The whole way, she was looking in my direction, but looking through me. I didn’t know whether to smile, look neutral or just avoid eye contact altogether.
She dropped her test on my desk without even looking at me, turned and walked out of the room.
And I deserved every bit of the scorn she had in her eyes as she walked away from my life forever.
Twenty-Three
McKinley
After three-and-a-half long years, seven grueling semesters, and a-hundred-and-five pain
staking weeks, I finally got what I had worked so hard for: my college degree. While the school didn’t give us our proper degrees at commencement, my whole family was still making me take pictures with the rolled-up piece of blank paper the dean had handed me as I walked across the stage.
The graduation ceremony had ended two hours ago, and faithful to my wishes, Mom booked a reservation at one of the best Italian restaurants in the state to celebrate. We had all eaten some exquisite food, and were now feeling very festive, taking pictures, swapping stories, laughing and just having a good time. My parents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, and grandparents had all come out to watch me graduate, and I had never felt more special in my life.
“Get in the picture, Rob!” Aunt Pam commanded my dad, who was standing off to the side, beaming.
“I will, Pam, but before I do that, I just want let everyone know… that my brilliant baby girl got accepted to a graduate program at the University of Florida!”
A roar of applause and whistles resonated throughout the private room that Mom rented for us. My face grew warm with excitement and happiness.
“That’s amazing, McKinley!” my cousin, Skyler, shouted from across the room.
“When do you start?” Grandma Janey asked me.
“I start next fall!” I exclaimed, smiling so happily, my cheeks started to ache.
Then out of nowhere, I saw Evie, Holden, Addison and Dacia enter the room, each of them holding a corner of an enormous sparkling cake. Everyone clapped and cheered even louder. Soon thereafter, an infectious chant started: “McKinley! McKinley! McKinley!”
The girls set the cake down on the table that contained all the cards, gifts and assorted decorations, then came over to hug me individually.
“I’m so proud of you,” Evie said tearfully in my ear. “Congratulations, girl. You did it.” She pulled back, and I saw the tears streaming down her face. I started to cry, too.
“Enough of this emotional stuff!” Addison teased. “Come look at your cake, McKinley!” She waved me over.
My insides fluttered with happiness. The message on the cake said: “Congratulations & good luck in grad school!”
“Girl, Las Positas won’t be the same without you!” Addison cried, coming in for another hug. “I’m going to miss you, roomie.”
We embraced. “Addison, I’ll only be thirty minutes away, so we can still visit each other on weekends,” I assured her to stop myself from outright bawling.
“I know those kids at Friendly Flippers are going to miss the heck out of you too, McKinley,” Dacia said, her cheeks pink from crying.
“Oh, I didn’t tell you!” I said. “I work there now. Not as an intern, but an actual legit employee!”
Dacia gasped with delight. “McKinley, that’s amazing,” she said, clutching her chest as if it was the most astounding news she had ever heard in her life.
I was on cloud nine and the way I felt, there was nothing that anybody could do to ruin my high. The only thing that bothered me, that I tried not to think about, was how much I wished I could tell Knight all this good news. I wished he was there right now and as much a part of the celebration as everyone else I cared about.
Cared about. I still cared about Knight Ramsay. And I knew from the very beginning that whatever feelings I’d developed for him hadn’t yet gone away.
My dad came over and wrapped his arm around me, his smile huge and proud. “I love you, baby girl,” he said, planting a kiss on my forehead.
As happy as I was, surrounded by everyone I loved, and excited for the future, I still felt like something was missing…
And I hated Knight for making me feel this way.
Twenty-Four
Knight
Outside, the sky was painted a sickly, gloomy pigment, a nasty desaturated greyish-green that seemed to add a hopeless cinematic filter to the world. Rain pounded the roof of my house and lightning illuminated the firmament at scary, erratic intervals. The storm had been going on for at least three hours, and had no potential of letting up anytime soon. Looking out the window at Mother Nature’s intensity, I thought about the night I met McKinley. It was raining horribly then, thunder echoing, and now it had circled back around to remind me of her. The universe had a tendency to be cruel.
Whatever the case, whether it was a divine intervention or just the weather, conditions were favorable for just lounging around indoors and doing absolutely nothing. I plopped down on my couch to watch the news, and the first ad that came on screen was for Friendly Flippers; I instantly thought about McKinley. During one of our nights together, she had told me that she interned there and was helping children. When she told me that, it endeared her to me even more because I knew then that she had a good heart and a kind spirit.
For a second, I was hoping to see her on screen, but I doubted I would. She only worked there on and off, so she more than likely wouldn’t get any camera time. But ,then, towards the end of the advertisement, a familiar sounding voiceover started talking and it made my heart stop beating for a second.
“My name is McKinley Clarke,” she said in a smart and confident tone. “And I am a junior marine researcher here at Friendly Flippers.” The commercial dissolved from a clip of a little girl happily riding a dolphin next to a young woman in the pool with her. It was McKinley.
There was no way I could escape her, whether it was a thunderous reminder from the sky, or a commercial on TV. She was not going to leave my mind any time soon. I was… in love with her. And it was time to finally admit that to myself. I still wanted to be with McKinley. I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it.
I got up off the couch and ran to my hallway closet to put my jacket on. I was going to go see McKinley and make everything right, explain to her why I did what I did, and how I truly felt about her. I just hoped she would be willing and to listen to what I had to say. Then my mind drifted backwards in time; I saw myself standing in the living room, telling her that there was someone else, that one phrase replaying over and over in my head, reverberating off the corners of my skull. Then my perspective shifted to hers, standing there looking at the man she thought cared about her, being told all of those horrible things. As those moments repeated in a tortuous loop, I felt whatever little grasp I had on McKinley, if any at all, slowly ebbing away.
If I didn’t fix this now, she was going to vanish into nothingness. I grabbed my keys, and darted out the front door, not even caring to lock it. I felt like I was on an impossible mission; there was a bomb on the brink of exploding and I needed to go diffuse it.
As I got on the road and sped down Rotterdam Avenue, I brainstormed how to approach this, which wires to cut and which ones to leave intact. A traffic light stopped me, and I got irritated, but I used the fifteen seconds I had at the light, precious, critical time, to figure out what I was going to say to her. The red light transformed to green, and I shot around the corner.
I didn’t care what I had to do. I was going to fix this…
I was going to fix everything.
Twenty-Five
McKinley
I looked at how empty my room was now, and it brought tears to my eyes. Everything I owned was boxed up and stacked in towers taller than me by the door. After today, I’d no longer be a resident of the Oceanview Apartments. Addison was helping me pack up some items, but we kept getting hindered by trips down memory lane… and the troublesome thunder outside.
“Look at this scarf!” she cried, running her fingers along the silk material and admiring the red, green and blue pattern printed on it. “Remember when I got this for you in Savannah?”
“Yes,” I replied tearfully. “That was the most fun road trip ever. Sophomore year, right?” I asked.
“Yeah! Actually, we went the summer right before junior year,” Addison clarified. “Before we moved in here, matter of fact.”
“Right!” I exclaimed. “I’m taking this, but this isn’t going in a box. I’m putting this somewhere special.”
Sudde
nly, there was a knock at the door. “Wonder who that could be,” Addison said.
“I don’t know. Did you invite help?”
“Nope.”
I went to open the door and standing in front of me was Knight.
“Hey McKinley,” he said, hesitant and soaked from the rain.
“Uh… hi?” I asked, confused. The moment I saw him, my blood instantly turned ice cold, then pin-needle hot, then ping-ponged from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I was livid, but I tried not to seem aggressive, which was a struggle. “Why are you here?”
“Can I come inside?” he asked, as beads of rain trickled down the side of his face.
I hesitated, but he looked pitiful and was drenched from head to toe, so I obliged and at least let him enter the foyer to dry off a little.
“What’s up?” I asked him, my posture unwelcoming and my voice even more so.
“I need to talk to you,” he said, his green eyes apologetic.
I sighed with mild irritation. “Hey Addison, can we have a minute alone, please? If you don’t mind,” I said. Addison came out of my bedroom hauling a couple of small boxes.
“Yeah, sure. I need to go up to the store anyway. I’ll stay gone for a while,” she whispered and left the apartment.
“So, what’s going on, Knight?” I intentionally made my body language standoffish because the truth of the matter was, I did not want him here. I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. It was interesting that when I tried to talk to him, he ignored me, but now when the tables were turned, he expected me to hear him out.
“Okay, I know you’re upset about how things went down between us. But that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” His face was tense, but there was something sincere in his eyes. “Do you know Casaundra Evanston?”
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