by Kelli Walker
I looked over, but she hadn’t even raised her eyes. I started out slow, sticking to obvious facts and redundant statements so as not to entrench my own position.
“I… I was hoping we could talk. I’ve tried getting in touch a dozen different ways, but… well… I know you were very upset when we last saw each other.”
Her eyes widened without leaving her sheers, offering me only an indignant facade of shock in answer to my words.
“I… I feel like this place was smaller the last time I was here. Did you expand into the shop next door?”
In a clatter, Harley tossed her tools to the counter. “Ryan, whatever you came here to say, you should say it. I have things to do.”
“Oh, uh… okay, Harley. Okay.” I inhaled a deep breath and knew that, whatever I was about to ramble out, it had better be good. Otherwise, that was going to be the end of it.
“Uh… How busy are you, exactly?” I would not have been surprised if the death stare she glared my way caught fire to my shirt. I rushed forward, realizing that I was already making things worse. “I’m sorry, that isn’t how I should’ve started. I only asked because there is something that I would like to show you.”
“Ryan, I’m really not interested in whatever it is you think you can win me over with. This is your last chance. Speak now or get the hell out.”
Both of our faces were quickly becoming red - mine from flustered embarrassment and hers from a steadily growing anger.
I sighed, nodding my acceptance of her statement. “I’m going to sit, okay? I’m not trying to waste your time… I just want this to come out the right way. I don’t want us to make a mistake here just because I’m not using the best words.”
I sighed. “The first thing that I want to say is that I’m sorry, Harley. I’m sorry for a lot of different things. I didn’t show you any support when you told me you were pregnant. The first thing out of my mouth should have made it crystal clear that I still loved you and that no matter what, I was going to be by your side. I realize now that you were under the impression that the pregnancy changed how I felt toward you. I want to make that right, and that’s why I’m here. I handled the whole situation horribly and, somewhere in the confusion between us, I didn’t realize that you thought I was tossing you out. When I told you I’d be coming back here to be with you, I meant it.”
Harley remained silent, listening intently. She didn’t say a word, so I continued. “If I could go back, I wouldn’t have let the news make me so nervous. I should’ve slowed things down and allowed us to sit still… We should have taken a deep breath and just talked, getting used to the idea together. It was my fault that it did not happen. I showed you an immaturity brought on by my immediate compulsion to turn the surprise into something that wasn’t dangerous. My intentions weren’t bad, but that was the wrong time for me to focus on fixing anything. I truly am sorry for that. I never meant to hurt you, Harley. I know that might not make it any better, and I will accept it if you still don’t want to forgive me, but if you’ll let me, I’d like to try again now.”
Finally, she responded, but it became clear that Harley wasn’t yet convinced. However, I noted that her tone was far less severe and, instead of sticking to her guns like back in New York, she gave me the chance that I was asking for.
“I hear what you’re saying, Ryan, but it still isn’t making much sense. You say I should ignore everything that was said before and that you want another chance, but I’m still not understanding what kind of position you are trying to show for yourself.”
“Well… I… ugh, I’m sorry, Harley. There are so many facets and sides to this thing, plus I’m really quite bad at communicating in this manner, to begin with. I want to, but I’m not even sure where to start.”
“Start from the beginning. Act like I just told you that I’m pregnant. You say I didn’t understand what you meant in New York, so here’s your chance to make it more clear.”
I hesitated. “That’s why I wanted to show you. It’s the clearest way I know. When you see it… you might still hate me, and, if you do, I’ll accept that, but I know at least that way you’ll understand exactly what my position is, as you called it.”
Harley looked down but remained silent as she considered my motives. She didn’t immediately issue a rejection like before, and that gave me my first taste of hope since I’d walked inside. She looked up, showing her uncertainty in every feature upon her face, but my earnest longing must have been too apparent to ignore a second time.
“How long will it take? Is this thing you want to show me… Is it in your car? Or at your hotel?”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not something that I can carry around with me. It’s out near our parents’ houses… I promise it won’t take long. I can drive, and we’ll be there in thirty minutes.”
Harley still didn’t give an answer, and my anxiety took over. I kept rambling. “Thirty seconds after we get there, if it doesn’t change how you feel, then I’ll bring you right back here without a word trying to convince you otherwise. It’s just… You’ll understand when you see. It’s something I’ve been working on since before we left for the city together. I actually haven’t seen the finished product yet… I was hoping you and I could share that experience together. But, like I said, you don’t…”
“Okay.”
I froze, knowing what she said but incapable of believing it yet. “Okay? You’ll come?”
Harley nodded, now looking more weary than angry. I could tell her guard remained resolute, but her words were all I needed just then.
“Really?! Oh, thank you, Harley. Trust me, you’ll be glad you said yes. Um… It’s up to you. We can go now or… Whatever is best for you.”
She nodded slowly, wiping her hands and removing her apron. “Now is fine. I have your word that I’ll be right back standing here in an hour if that’s what I want, right?”
I nodded and followed as she moved to the door. “Absolutely. Although, as I said, I really don’t think that’ll be the case. At least, I hope not.”
We moved outside, and Harley locked her shop behind us. I rushed over and opened the rental door, holding it for her as she entered.
“What, no convertible? I guess there’s no reason why you’d keep trying to impress me.”
I shook my head as I stepped in and sat behind the steering wheel beside her. “Trust me, I much preferred our other ride, but I had it specially brought in by the rental company last time, and they sent it back when we left. I had so much else on my mind, the thought never crossed my mind to have them bring in something again.”
I started the cheap little hatchback and pulled away from the curb, noticing that Harley didn’t seem at all moved by my explanation. Maneuvering through town toward her parents’ property, I kept trying.
“This tiny thing isn’t quite the same, but it’ll get us there in one piece. Like I said, we don’t have far to go, and, actually, you’ll know where we are heading a long time before we actually arrive.”
Harley kept looking out her window, still refusing any further interaction. I couldn’t bear to keep my uncertainty bottled beneath the silence, so, knowing it was probably foolish, I maintained my painful monologue.
“I want to say again how sorry I am for making you think that I was sending you away. I see now how it could easily seem that way, but I didn’t know how to explain that, even though you would physically be separated from me, mentally and emotionally, I was going to be right here with you. I tried to come back sooner, but things just kept going wrong with work. I knew that ignoring the company without a long-term solution was a mistake, but I’m sorry it took so long for Joe and me to come up with a plan. Plus, adding a kid into the mix only made it more important that I don’t let the company fall apart now.”
To my surprise, Harley’s voice whispered through the car. “That’s just like you, Ryan, thinking that everything is about money. I wasn’t upset when you told me that I should leave because I was worried your money
wouldn’t come with me. Do you remember what your mom always used to say? I’m sure she told it to you at least a couple of times. She said it to me several times, and I wasn’t even her daughter. She would always say, ‘Family pays for itself.’ It might be hard for you to understand, Ryan, but sometimes there are things more expensive, more costly, and worth more than money.”
“No, I understand that Harley, I wasn’t trying to imply any sort of equality between the two concepts. I can’t tell you how many times I heard Mom say that, but I wasn’t suggesting that money was my focus.”
She didn’t acknowledge any change in her opinion, so I added more in my defense. “When you told me about the pregnancy, and I had that moment where I realized I was going to be a father, I panicked, not because I was opposed to it, but because of how seriously I take that notion. It wasn’t like we had discussed it beforehand and had been trying to have a child. Suddenly, the totality of that responsibility filled my brain; the only thing I could think about was everything I needed to do, planning-wise, to ensure that we were ready when that life came into the world. Like I said back at the shop, I shouldn’t have let myself get that way. It wasn’t fair to you, and I wish that I had realized that in the moment, but I felt like a timer set at nine months had just started ticking, and I was instantly terrified that I wouldn’t be properly prepared when that clock hit zero. All the things I needed to take care of flashed through my mind, and the weight of how much time those things would take just seemed to squeeze my brain against the countdown. In my panic, I immediately recognized that, for the time being, I wasn’t going to be able to be there right next to you while I focused on balancing out those conflicting time schedules. I didn’t want you to be alone, so getting you back to where you had your parents and Eleanor seemed like the best way to keep you comfortable. I was staring at those nine months in my brain, knowing it would take at least a day or two for me to figure out how to abandon the company for so long. I just didn’t want you to have to sit in my apartment alone that whole time. You weren’t feeling well, you just found out you were pregnant… and as much as I wanted to help make you feel comfortable while we got used to the change in plans, I think you’d agree that being able to have another woman to talk to has to be infinitely more meaningful than whatever nonsense I would offer as a man.”
I glanced at Harley as I completed the turn onto our target road. My voice caught in my throat as my eyes met hers. She was staring right at me, no longer giving any regard to the view outside the car. In instantly trying to decipher what she was thinking, my foot instinctively left the gas pedal. I briefly glanced in the rearview mirror, confirming the openness of the road behind me. I let the car slow on its own while I took increasingly longer glances back to read her eyes and facial expression.
The emotions that were written there were entirely unexpected, considering our interaction up to that point. As soon as I saw that there were feelings being shown beyond those of anger, annoyance, and dismissal, I eased down on the brake pedal and angled the tires onto the road’s shoulder, stopping the vehicle to a quiet idle alongside the surrounding fields of grain.
Before my fingers were saved from their task grasping the steering wheel in hand, I was turning to face her more fully. Finally, my eyes were allowed to trace the extent of her face without distraction. I searched, wondering what feelings and thoughts were hiding so close, but just beyond my sight. Harley sniffed, and I recognized the glassiness of her gaze. The worst-case scenario bludgeoned its way through the gates of my subconsciousness, and I immediately identified her tears with the last I’d seen from her. My lungs deflated, and my heart ached as I feared I was recognizing a symptom of something foreshadowing a similar fate.
“Harley, for the love of God, please say something. You’re scaring me. I don’t want to lose you again. Please, whatever I said, just…”
She leaned forward against her seatbelt and wrapped her arms around the barrel of my chest, burying her nose in the crook of my neck. Still terrified that I was about to screw it all up, my hands were cautious when they finally found their way to her back, reciprocating the embrace.
She held me for a long time, but even by the end, I remained afraid. Harley pulled back and wiped her eyes, looking back to my face with a compassion I thought I would never observe again.
“Ryan, is all of that true? You just didn’t want me to be alone?”
The answer was so obvious and simple to me that I spent several moments unable to vocalize it. I puzzled over the question, looking for where the subtle trickery or missed meaning could be, until I realized the full extent of how misunderstood Harley and I’s interactions had been.
“…Yes, Harley, of course, it’s true. I mean… you have to understand, the idea of being a father does scare the shit out of me, but… I’m willing to give it my best shot if you’re willing to have me.”
Tears rolled freely down her cheeks, but Harley was beaming with happiness. I, too, found our closeness returning, and my own eyes filled with feeling. I wanted to hold her and, as if Harley could share my thoughts, she jumped back into my arms. We squeezed that emotion into each other, pulling one another tighter until it seemed our bodies might merge into one. We drew apart only in search of each other’s faces. We kissed deeply, sharing a smile for what seemed like an eternity absent time. Harley laughed happily amid her tears, and again, we kissed, followed by a rapid-fire of more joyful sobs, smooches, and smiles.
“Are you okay?”
She giggled and gasped, trying to stem the stream of saline pouring down her face. “Yes. Yes! I… I don’t think I could possibly be any more okay, Ryan. I thought… I really thought you didn’t want anything more to do with me. You’re serious? You… You want to have the baby?”
I smiled, ignoring my own tears. I nodded, struggling to let the words form amid the emotions quivering in my throat. “Yes, Harley. I mean, I don’t think I would’ve chosen for this to happen now… not when we were just letting our lives fall back into a single line, but, honestly, I couldn’t be happier imagining what our future is going to look like. Speaking of… Can I show you your present now?”
She nodded, and, with excitement through which I could barely breathe, I drew the car back into the roadway, nearly colliding with a passing tractor I hadn’t cared to check and see.
I swerved, accelerating, and we were fine, sharing a nervous laugh before rejoining our shared euphoria.
“Do you know where we’re going?”
Harley shook her head, finally wiping the last happy streaks from beneath her eyes. “No. Should I?”
I grinned knowingly, hardly able to contain the intensity of my expectations. A thought rushed along my synapses, and I seized the energy of its electricity. “Wait!” I glanced sideways, looking for some kind of article that would suffice for the purpose I had in mind. The rental car was relatively empty, but my eye danced over Harley, spying the cloth at her neck for the first time. “What is that - a scarf? An ascot? Wrap it around your eyes like a blindfold. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I want this to be a real surprise. In a minute, you’ll see something that’ll give it away before it’s time.”
She protested, confused but happy. I insisted with such encouragement that she finally obliged, covering her face and messing with the fabric until it was secure from across the bridge of her nose up to above her brow.
“Can you see?”
“No! Nothing! Oh goodness, this is going to make me carsick.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll slow down and try to keep it as gentle as possible. We’ll be there in no time. You promise you can’t see anything? How much light is getting through?”
She swung her head back and forth, feeling her door with a hand until she found the window at her side. “I can see little patches of light, but they’re super faint. Trust me, I won’t know anything until you let me take this thing off.”
My heart drummed within my chest as we passed her parents’ driveway. At the last intersection
before the dead-end, I turned away from our destination, making sure to jiggle the steering enough so Harley could tell we were changing direction. Once we were headed straight again, I didn’t accelerate back to a normal speed. I was thinking ahead, ironing out the nuances of my scheme. I let us drift down the lane at idle speed for about a mile before I made my move. Easing ever so carefully on the brakes, I used the next crossroads to make a perfect U-turn that never shifted our body weight. I kept our speed slow, knowing there was always a chance that Harley had sensed something. Upon reaching the spot where I’d made my initial turn, I re-performed the stunt to change direction without her knowing. I glanced at Harley as the wheels straightened out, pretty confident that there was no way she could predict where we were.
“You still okay over there? Don’t fall asleep on me now, Harley.”
Her smile gleamed beneath the blindfold as she answered. The sight brought an urge to mind, and, with my inhibitions abandoned, I followed it without hesitation. I sloppily stopped the car, and Harley seemed to perk up in response.
“Are we here?”
“Not yet.”
“Then what’re you…”
I leaned sideways in front of her and brought my lips to hers, shocking Harley with a long, electrifying kiss that rode along her surprise, past her defenses, eliciting a humming moan from behind her tongue before she could catch herself.
As I finally pulled away, letting my lips hover on hers with only the slightest touch for just a moment longer, I smiled, seeing the color in her cheeks and recognizing the heaviness of her breathing. Thoughts of extending the temptation crossed my mind, but I opted to quiet them temporarily. There will be time for that later. Plus, I’d rather not risk spoiling the surprise.
In the silence after our kiss, I let my voice fill the car as again, we crept down the road. I took a tone that suggested casual ambivalence as if I hadn’t felt the same warmth course through my body as she had at our touch. My mind had turned back to the task at hand, and I decided to distract Harley from possibly feeling the switch to gravel underfoot with an improvised rendition of misleading conversation.