Grace had stirred from Ella’s other side. “We can have a pizza night. We can bring home some cupcakes from the bakery.”
“That sounds good.” I nodded.
“On that note, we better get going so we can get to the store.” Ella yawned and rubbed her eyes. “But we’ll both be checking on you. Do you need anything before we head out?”
“I’m okay.” I forced a smile. “Thank you both for being here. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“We love you, Aunt Liv,” Grace said sweetly. “We’ll always be here.”
I followed them to the door, but Mama lingered lazily in the bed. Ella pulled me into a hug before grabbing her purse off the floor, and Grace wrapped her arms around me.
“We’ll see you this evening,” Ella said. “Let us know if you need anything at all, okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed.
Ella started out the door, but Grace stopped and turned back toward me. “Aunt Liv?”
“Yeah?”
“For what it’s worth, I know Jax loves you. He wanted to make you happy,” she said sadly. “He told me so.”
“What?” I asked, taken aback.
“The day we were getting ready for your party,” she said. “He told me then, and I believed him.” Tears spilled out onto my cheeks. “I may not know everything that’s going on, but I think he really does want you to be happy, even if that means he doesn’t get to be.” She gave me a wistful smile and embraced me once more. I watched as she and Ella pulled away, and I closed the front door, leaning up against it for a moment.
I looked down at the guitar on the floor of the foyer, and my heart sank. I grabbed the handle on the case, picking it up. I walked the few steps into the living room to grab my other guitar. Awkwardly, I carried both instruments down the hall to my bedroom, setting them on the floor as I flung open the closet door.
One by one, I shoved them both into the closet behind the racks of clothes and coats. I moved the hangers around until not one speck of either case was visible anymore. I buried them along with the dream I’d had since I was nineteen and any hope I’d had of a future with Jaxon Slade.
Chapter 32
Jax
I leaned my head against the sofa in Dallas’s penthouse apartment, where I’d been for the last fifteen days. Fifteen days without Liv.
I hadn’t been able to bring myself to make any decisions, to do anything at all that would force me to accept that Liv was no longer mine.
Dallas offered to take me back to Louisville, but the thought of going back to that apartment without her killed me. It was where we’d said we loved each other for the first time. It was where she’d been so afraid she couldn’t give me everything I deserved, not realizing she was all I wanted. I pictured her standing there, the way she’d cried into her hands.
I’m afraid I won’t be enough for you.
Despite what she’d said the day she asked me to leave, I couldn’t help but think that was what was at the root of it all. She’d been broken down so far, she truly couldn’t fathom the idea of being enough for anyone. Benton Wyatt had crushed her spirit, and it was he who’d caused the firestorm with the press. It was because of him she’d left me.
For the first several days, I’d barely spoken to anyone. I broke down and texted Ella an excruciating three days after Liv left me. I couldn’t stand not knowing how she was doing.
Jax: I have to know how she is. Please.
Ella: She’s not great, Jax. All of this sucks. How are you holding up?
Jax: I don’t know what to do. I miss her so much.
Ella: I’m so sorry. I know she misses you too.
It took Dallas threatening to call Liv before I’d told him everything. I finally told him about what Carrie had said to me all those months ago, my mom, and what happened with Liv. Saying it out loud tore my heart apart all over again.
Then, there was the anger.
The anger I’d felt for so many years had returned with a vengeance, bubbling up inside me like a pot of water on the verge of boiling over.
For the last two weeks, I’d communicated with the rest of the guys through Dallas. He’d fielded their questions for me because he knew I wasn’t in the mental state to talk about it. I couldn’t answer questions that I barely understood the answers to myself.
Midnight in Dallas was on a touring break until early March. Derek ended up finding an apartment in the same building as Dallas, so he’d headed back to Louisville to pack. Luca had gone back home, having always preferred his solitude. Both had tried to reach out to me, but I couldn’t talk. Antoni called, and I didn’t answer. Cash rented an AirBnB nearby, and he’d sent me a text every single day that, for the most part, I’d avoided. I knew he cared, but I also knew he needed answers about what was happening with Jax & Liv. He asked if he should call Liv, but I told him to wait, hoping against all hope we’d hear from her. Really, I hoped she’d change her mind.
I’d put Cash off long enough, and he’d finally come to Dallas’s penthouse to check up on me. The three of us sat in silence in Dallas’s living room a while before Cash finally spoke.
“You still haven’t heard anything?” Cash asked, and I shook my head.
“I’m sorry, man.” Dallas reached over and squeezed my shoulder.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to call her?” Cash questioned. “Maybe she’d talk to me and—”
“And what?” I snapped. “She made it clear she didn’t want me around, Cash. She doesn’t want me. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
Dallas sat thoughtfully for a moment. “I know you’re hurting, Jax. I do. I understand you’ve not wanted to talk about it much, but man you need to talk about it. I see this anger building in you, and it’s not healthy. Look, I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling right now. I also can’t imagine what it was like for her to wake up to this bullshit. She wasn’t entirely wrong either. We’ve seen what a shitstorm like this can do to people. It can ruin people’s lives.”
“I would have done anything to make it work,” I insisted. “Anything.”
“I get that,” Dallas said softly, “but you have to realize what that’s asking of her. You weren’t the one they made out to be a fucking gold-digger. They talked about her miscarriage, man. The most personal details of her life were on display for everyone. You were the prince charming who saved her, but by my calculations, this princess saved herself. She built that fucking business. She was the one who made the choice to put herself out there, but nobody saw that. Nobody saw her.”
“I did,” I whispered.
“We know.” Cash nodded. “We know you did. We all did, but imagine being her for a second. Imagine what it felt like for her to see her life plastered all over the internet and people saying she didn’t deserve what she had. Not just professionally, Jax. They attacked her character. They attacked her entire life.”
I knew he was right, and it killed me.
“I fucking hate that Benton Wyatt douche canoe.” Dallas shook his head. “I don’t know how he could do this to Liv. Takes a special kind of asshole to do something like that.”
Anger rumbled at my core as my phone rang from the coffee table in front of me. My heart immediately sank when I recognized the number of the detective working on my mom’s case. I slid my finger across the screen to answer the call. “Hello?”
“Mr. Slade, it’s Detective Bryant,” his gruff voice replied. “I’ve got some news regarding your mother, Deanna Slade. Do you have a few moments we can talk?” His voice had softened a bit from his normal business as usual tone, which caused my already raw nerves to stand at attention. So far, his updates had consisted of a few brief calls to let me know that he was sorry, but there was no new information.
“Sure,” I said, getting up from the sofa and walking into the kitchen. I settled onto one of the bar s
tools at the island in the middle of the kitchen. “What’s up?”
“Mr. Slade, I got a lead on your mother a few weeks ago that led me to St. Louis, and I started canvassing the streets and the homeless shelters. That’s when I got a tip that sent me to a shelter in downtown St. Louis, and the director there was able to confirm that someone matching her description had been staying there up until about a month ago.”
“Wait, what?” I asked, unsure if I’d heard him correctly. “You found her?”
“The sources I found hadn’t seen her on the streets or in the shelter for several weeks, so I broadened my search to the local hospitals,” Detective Bryant explained. “I did find her, Mr. Slade, but I regret to inform you that your mother passed away about a month ago due to a drug overdose. Her body is being kept in the morgue at St. Louis University Hospital.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I’m so sorry, son.” He sighed into the phone. “I wish I had better news.”
“She’s dead,” I said, still in disbelief. “You’re telling me she… she’s gone?”
“Yes, son,” he answered. “I’m very sorry, but there’s something else. The director of the homeless shelter called me late last night. She told me she found something that belonged to your mother that had been left at the shelter. I’d like to bring it to you this afternoon, if I may. I’m back in Nashville, and I can come right to you.”
“What is it?” I asked, my rage threatening to rise to the surface.
“I think you should see it for yourself,” he said gently. “Text me the address of a place I can meet you, and I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay,” I responded. “I’ll see you soon.” Once I ended the call, I tapped out Dallas’s address in a text to Detective Bryant as my legs carried me back to the living room where Dallas and Cash waited for me.
“Jax? Are you okay?” Cash asked.
Dallas eyed me, his face awash with concern. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I took my seat next to Dallas and sat there a moment, lost somewhere between numbness and an all-encompassing rage. “It was the detective calling about my mom. She’s dead.”
“What?” Dallas asked, his voice laced with shock.
“Jesus, Jax,” Cash said, leaning his elbows forward on his knees. “I’m so sorry.”
My eyes flickered to both of theirs. “He’s on his way over here to give me something he found of hers.”
“Do you know what it is?” Dallas questioned, and I shook my head.
I didn’t know, and at this moment, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to.
The detective’s visit was so short that you’d never suspect he’d handed me the only thing left of my mom: a worn and beat up shoebox that contained God only knew what.
I would make sure she’d have a proper burial, but there would be no funeral. Cash, Dallas, and the guys would come out of respect and support for me, but the one person I wanted to be there wouldn’t be.
If my mom had any friends, I didn’t know about them. I knew nothing about the life she had, except that it was now over.
“Would you like us to step out?” Cash asked as I stared at the shoebox in my lap. “We can give you some privacy.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Stay.”
I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what I might find in this old shoebox, the last connection I had to my mother. Dallas and Cash watched nervously as I lifted the lid as though I was about to attempt to defuse a bomb.
Staring back at me were yellowed and worn paper clippings. Some that had once belonged in newspapers and others that were once part of glossy magazines. I gently lifted a piece out, realizing it was one of the first press pieces ever done about Midnight in Dallas from the paper in Louisville.
“Wait, is that us?” Dallas asked, peering over my shoulder. Wordlessly, I nodded and handed it to him. The next piece my fingers landed on was a cut out from Rolling Stone back when we were interviewed about our last album. I lightly ruffled my fingers over the cutouts. There were dozens of them.
“They’re all of us,” I said softly. “Of me.”
Then I saw one that caught my eye. It was an article about me and my ‘mystery woman.’ Tears flowed down my face as I looked at the photo that accompanied the article. It was that same paparazzi photo of me and Liv from the Halloween party in Las Vegas. Liv was so beautiful she practically radiated off the page. I was kissing her cheek in that picture as though I’d kiss her every day for the rest of our lives.
I placed the box on the coffee table, holding on to the photo of me and Liv between my fingers. “She knew about Liv,” I choked out before finally tossing the paper back inside the box and rising to my feet. The last string tethering me to whatever shred of sanity I had left snapped. I rubbed my hands over my face and paced the length of the living room.
“I’m so sorry, Jax. This isn’t fair—” Cash attempted to comfort me, but I cut him off.
“You’re damn right it isn’t fucking fair,” I shouted, running my hands through my hair in frustration. “My mom is dead, and the only home I’ve ever fucking known doesn’t want me! What was the fucking point of me finding her? What was the point of me falling in love with her? For her to tell me that love isn’t fucking enough?” The anger overflowed inside me, spilling out on everything around me. Cash and Dallas appeared frozen in place. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
“Wait, what?” Dallas asked as he and Cash immediately stood. “Where are you going?”
“To pay Benton Wyatt a visit.” I tensed my jaw and clenched my fists.
“Is that a good idea?” Dallas questioned. “I hate the bastard too, but I’m not sure you should do that.”
“I don’t care,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Do you even have a car here?” Cash asked.
“I’ll call Brady. I’ll get a fucking Uber,” I shouted. “I’ll walk there if I have to, but it’s time he and I had a talk.” Cash and Dallas exchanged a look.
“Well, you’re sure as shit not taking an Uber.” Dallas reached into his pocket and extracted his keys. “I’ll drive.”
I shook my head. “I want to go alone. I have to do this by myself.”
“Jax, I know you’re upset. You have every reason to be, but guys like Benton are power-hungry. They’re vindictive, and they’ll stop at nothing. Look at what he’s done already,” Cash said cautiously. “Please be careful.”
“Yeah, well,” I said, “I’ve got nothing left to lose.”
Dallas sighed and reluctantly handed me his keys. “Take my car. Give him hell.”
Cash nodded his approval, and I snatched the keys out of Dallas’s hand, storming onto the elevator.
Hell was exactly what I planned to give him.
Chapter 33
Liv
It had been fifteen days since I’d felt his arms around me. His scent haunted me like a ghost. I’d catch it, and the tears would start flowing down my cheeks because I knew that’s all it was. That’s all that was left. Just a trace.
I still hadn’t taken off the necklace he’d given me. I often found myself lightly caressing the tiny charm as though it were a genie in a bottle, and I could somehow make Jax magically appear.
I’d slept with his shirt and the Aerosmith shirt next to me every night. Together, they retained enough of his scent that when I’d fall asleep, I could almost imagine him there with me. Then, in the early hours of the morning as daybreak began to filter through the blinds, I’d get a glorious three seconds where I’d forget. Those glorious three seconds before I opened my eyes when I could smell him there. For those three seconds, Jax and I were still home.
It was the opening of the eyes that was the problem. That was when I was reminded that the life, the me that I’d come to love, was gone.
Ella and Grace were doing their
best to hold me together. Katie had taken a couple of shifts with me too, bringing over some takeout that I’d picked at and turning on Netflix. When she asked if I wanted to watch The Office, I dissolved into a puddle of tears, causing poor Katie to feel awful. It wasn’t her fault I was a mess. It was mine.
Antoni went back to LA on New Years Day, but he’d called many times after Ella reached out to let him know what happened.
I heard from all of the guys during the time I’d been apart from Jax. My chest twisted with shame each time their names showed up on my phone because I knew I didn’t deserve their compassion. I wondered if he knew they’d reached out. Initially, Dallas contacted me worried out of his mind because Jax wouldn’t talk to him. I didn’t go into detail, but I told him we’d broken up. I told him it wasn’t Jax. It was me.
I resisted the urge to ask him how Jax was doing. I knew I didn’t have a right to that information any longer, but that didn’t stop me from typing out the text and deleting it dozens of times. It also didn’t stop Dallas from telling me anyway.
Dallas: He really misses you, Cupcake. I’ve never seen him like this.
Liv: I miss him too.
Dallas: Are you sure about all of this?
I wasn’t sure at all. I started tapping out a reply but erased it because I knew that information didn’t help anyone. It didn’t change anything.
Cash checked on me, but he never asked about Jax & Liv, and I was grateful. We still had a single that was climbing the charts despite the bad press. I knew I would have to tell him it was over soon, but the idea of saying it out loud made my heart feel like it was breaking all over again.
The business had taken a hit after all the press came out. It was normally a bit slow after the holidays, but it was even slower than usual. You wouldn’t think so based on the number of people coming in and out, but they weren’t there to buy anything. They were bystanders craning their necks, hoping to catch a view of the train wreck that was my life. Somehow we’d managed to keep the press from finding out where I lived, which was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because at least I still had my home as my refuge and a curse because it had become a mausoleum of my memories with Jax.
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