Jessica Rabbit had talked to the press? She and I had never even met. “But why? I saw the two of you in Las Vegas, but—”
“Wait, you saw me too? You didn’t say anything. You barely even looked at me.”
“I know.” I shrugged. “Why should I? You’d long since moved on, and I’d moved on too. Sorry if I didn’t want to have small talk with my ex-husband and the girl he left me for.”
“Well, seeing you that night… with him… it got to me. I realized I missed you, Liv.” I gave him a blank stare as he continued on. “Shelby was the one who identified Jaxon because she’s a fan of his band. Anyway, I started trying to figure out why you were hanging around this guy when I started hearing rumors about Jax & Liv and—”
“You called that bogus meeting with Midnight in Dallas to get to me,” I finished for him.
“Kind of,” he admitted. “Mostly, I wanted to check this guy out and figure out what he was doing with you.”
“You are unbelievable, Ben.” I threw my hands up. “What? Is it that hard to believe someone would actually care about me?”
“No,” he said quickly. “That’s not it at all. I guess I wanted to see who this guy was that had gotten your attention. I stuck around and watched the show. And…” He trailed off, rubbing his hand over his stubble. “Liv, I realized I still loved you. I saw that spark in you that I fell in love with so many years ago, and I realized I never stopped loving you.”
A sarcastic laugh bubbled out of me. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“I know I wasn’t exactly supportive.” He looked down at his hands.
“By not exactly supportive, you mean you literally wanted to suppress everything that made me who I was until I became someone I didn’t recognize, right?” I fired back. “Because that is what happened.”
“You’re right,” he confessed. “I realize that now.”
“You know, Ben, I never understood what was so wrong with me to begin with.”
“It wasn’t you,” he acknowledged. “There was never anything wrong with you. It was me.”
“Oh, I know that now,” I said firmly, realizing for the first time that I believed it. “You always had to make me smaller and smaller in order to make yourself bigger.” He started to speak, but I barreled on. “I don’t blame you. You may have done it, but I allowed it to happen for years until I all but disappeared.”
“I’m sorry,” he said simply. “I wish there was something I could say.”
“So, why did she do it?” I asked. “Why did Shelby do it?”
“After the show that night, I sat her down and talked to her.” He sighed. “I told her I was still in love with you and that I’d made a mistake. I told her I wanted to try to work things out with you.” I shook my head in disbelief. “She was understandably upset. She threatened to ruin my life, but that’s not what happened.”
“Instead, she ruined mine.” I pressed my lips together in a firm line, seriously contemplating blackening his other eye.
“Yes,” he replied. “She took it out on you.”
“Well, thanks for letting me know.” My voice was dripping with sarcasm.
“I made a mistake, Liv.” He looked at me sincerely, his brown eyes glistening. “I made a lot of mistakes. I didn’t treat you the way you deserved, and I know that now, but I want to try again. I want to make it right.”
I looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. Once upon a time, this was everything I wanted to hear, but that was before I knew what it was like to live without him. That was before I figured out that maybe I wasn’t so bad after all.
That was before Jax.
Hearing him say those words, I felt nothing but sorry for him.
Sorry that he’d missed out on who I could have been.
Sorry that he’d been so insecure he had to tear me down to build himself back up.
But I wasn’t sorry enough to take him back. I should have left that relationship a long time ago.
“I appreciate the sentiment,” I said. “I do.”
“But you don’t want to be with me.” He shook his head, looking defeated.
“No,” I answered. “I don’t.”
“Because you love him.”
“Because I love myself.” I sighed. “Ben, you did me a kindness when you asked me for a divorce because I probably never would have left. I would have lived in your shadow for the rest of my life. When you left, I found out who I was, who I still am.”
I was proud of the woman I’d become. I was stronger than I’d ever given myself credit for. I was fucking capable and…
“I realized I deserve to be loved.” Jax’s face flashed through my mind. We were eating donuts outside that little pie shop he loved and getting drenched as we ran to my front door in the rain. We were writing songs by candlelight in the middle of a storm. I was looking at him and the faces of my friends at the surprise party he planned, eating the cake he’d made for me. We were dancing in the kitchen and curled up together on the tour bus. I was performing on stage in front of millions of people, but the person that mattered most was standing right beside me. “And I deserve to love someone even when it’s not easy. Especially when it’s not easy. Even when it feels like my world is falling apart, I deserve to love and be loved, anyway.” I turned toward him and stood. “Ben, I’m sorry, but I need you to leave. I have somewhere I need to be.”
“It’s him, isn’t it?” Benton’s face fell.
“It’s him,” I said, “but it’s also me.” He stood, and I placed a hand on his arm. “I forgive you, Benton. You want to make it right? You make it right by learning from it, by becoming better. Not for me, but for you.”
“You really are something special, Olivia.”
“I’m finally starting to see that,” I admitted.
“For what it’s worth, I hope you don’t give up on music,” he said as we walked side by side to the door. He paused and turned back toward me. “You’ve got a gift, and I’m sorry I never told you that.”
“Thank you, Ben.” My mouth stretched into a sly grin. “Sorry about your face.”
“Sorry about… everything else.” He gave me a wistful smile. “Take care, Liv. Be happy.”
I grinned as I let him out the door. “I plan on it.” I only hoped Jax could forgive me.
I practically sprinted to my room, intent on finding something decent to throw on so I could go find Jax. But before I could even open the closet, there was another knock at my door. I groaned, figuring Benton must have left something. I ran back into the foyer and flung open the door to find Cash standing on the front stoop.
“Cash!” I exclaimed, my eyes wide.
“Hey,” he said tentatively. “Sorry to drop in on you like this, but I was wondering if you’d seen Jax.” He shifted uncomfortably and shoved his hands in his pockets.
“No, I haven’t. Not since…” I trailed off, and my gaze fell to my feet. “I was actually going to see if I could get him to meet up with me to talk. Is everything okay? Do you want to come in?”
He looked at me nervously. “Do you have any idea where Jax might be?”
I shook my head. “He hasn’t been here. I know he went to see Benton, and he may or may not have, but definitely did, punch him in the face.” I grinned.
“Is there anywhere you can think of that he might be now? Any place he might go if he was upset?”
“Cash, you’re scaring me.” I narrowed my eyes. “What’s going on? What’s wrong with Jax?”
He sucked in a deep breath and sighed. “Jax got some news earlier today about his mom.”
“Did they find her?” I asked hopefully.
“They did.” He frowned, his shoulders slumping forward. “She’s dead, Liv. The detective brought over something they found that belonged to her.”
My hands flew to my mouth, suffocating a gasp tha
t tried to escape. “What was it?”
“It was a shoebox full of pages she’d cut out of magazines and newspapers of Jax,” he said, “some as recently as the Halloween party in Vegas.”
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. “Oh my God. Jax… I should have been there for him. I should have been with him when he found out.” I shook my head. “This is all my fault, Cash. I’ve got to find him.”
“Is there anywhere you think he might go? Dallas stayed at the penthouse in case he comes back there. Derek and Luca even went to make sure he didn’t drive back to Louisville, but no such luck. I’ve been driving around trying to find him. He won’t answer any of our calls or texts. I’m pretty sure he’s turned his phone off.”
That’s when it hit me.
I darted back inside and slipped on my boots. I grabbed my keys, phone, and purse and sprinted back through the door, closing it behind me. I looked at Cash as I turned the key in the lock. “Call Ella and make sure he didn’t end up at the bakery. I’m going to look for him.” I jogged toward my Jeep, and Cash fell into step behind me.
“Do you think you know where he is?” He moved faster to catch up with me.
“I hope so.”
“Shouldn’t you grab a coat? I think it’s supposed to snow.”
“I’m fine.” I waved him off, flinging the car door open and tossing my purse inside before turning back to Cash. “We’re going to find him, Cash. We have to.”
“We will,” he assured me. “Go. Let me know if you have any luck.” I jumped into the driver’s seat, and he shut the door for me. I slammed the car into gear and backed out of the driveway. I tried Jax’s phone, hoping maybe he’d turned it back on, but I went straight to voicemail.
I gripped the steering wheel, willing the other cars on the road to go faster. “I’m coming, Jax.”
Chapter 36
Jax
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sitting in Dallas’s car. I’d gotten a half-dozen donuts and driven over to the spot I’d taken Liv the first night we met. I parked in the same overflow lot and sat in the car for what felt like hours. The later it got, the more cars trickled out of the neighborhood until there was only me and the lamplight left. As advertised, the donuts had been hot when I got them, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat them. I’d placed them in the passenger seat untouched.
The rage I’d felt earlier in the day, the same rage that caused me to go punch Benton Wyatt in the nose, had subsided leaving behind a sorrow so deep I could feel it in my bones. My entire body ached for Liv, and the realization that I’d lost her for good had finally begun to settle in.
Finding out about my mom hurt like hell, but I couldn’t say it was surprising. I’d never be able to fully understand what happened or why, though I couldn’t help but take solace in realizing she’d cared for me in her own way. Maybe I was telling myself that so I could feel better about all of this, but I believed she was proud of me. She collected those clippings because she was proud of me and the man I’d become. It comforted me to know she’d gotten to see how happy and in love I’d been, even if it was only in a photo. I hoped somehow that knowledge brought her peace in her final moments, that when all was said and done, she knew she made the best choices she could for me.
I’d spent all these years thinking she abandoned me, that I never crossed her mind. For so long, I thought that meant I wasn’t worth loving. But if none of that had happened, where would I be now? I wouldn’t have the band, and I never would have found Liv. Maybe love sometimes meant knowing when to let go—knowing when we weren’t what that person needed.
I wished I could have reconnected with my mom. I’d had all these dreams of finding her, marrying Liv, and having a family of our own. In that vision, my mom had gotten to be a part of my life. I may never have been able to look at her as a motherly figure, but I’d hoped we could forge a friendship somehow. Those visions were all I had left of the future I’d dreamed of. My mom was gone, and Liv was too. Now, it was my turn to let go.
As angry as I was at the universe for bringing Liv into my life only for me to lose her, I knew I’d lose her a thousand times if it meant getting to love her once. I’d never love anyone like that again. I knew that people lived lifetimes and never got to experience that kind of love. I was fucking lucky I had it at all, even if it wasn’t forever.
I gazed out into the night as it started to snow, which was a rare sight in the south. Big, fluffy flakes rained from the sky, dancing in the street lights. I buttoned my coat, got out of the car, and clicked the lock on the fob, tucking it inside my pocket. I started down the street toward the pie shop, the cold air stinging against my skin. My breath appeared like a cloud in front of me, and the smell of snow hung in the air.
I shoved my hands in my pockets to ward off the cold. There was a certain peacefulness in the quiet snowfall. The flakes fell all around me, gently grazing my cheeks as they continued their descent from the sky.
The twinkly golden lights were on, making the vacant pie shop look as though it lived inside a snow globe. I climbed on top of the same picnic table we’d sat on that first night in the crisp autumn air. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my thighs, and closed my eyes. In my mind’s eye, I could see Liv and I walking through these streets, talking for hours. I could hear her beautiful voice singing to me the night we got wine-drunk in her living room. I could see the way she looked in my eyes when she told me she was falling in love with me. I could almost feel her in my arms. A tear slid down my face as I let the memories of her flood my mind like a thousand perfect snowflakes falling from my heart.
I could almost smell her sweet, orange blossom scent intertwined with the snow.
“Turn around.” I heard the sound of her sweet voice as though she was standing right behind me. “Jax, please turn around.”
“Liv!” My eyes flew open, and I turned to find her standing there, shivering in leggings and a sweatshirt. Her face glistened as a mixture of tears and snowflakes dampened her rosy cheeks. I closed the distance between us, peering down into her emerald eyes. “What are you doing here? How did you even know I was here?”
“I didn’t. Not for sure,” she admitted, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. “But I hoped. Cash told me about your mom. I’m so sorry, Jax. I’m sorry for everything. I should have been there for you. I never should have let you walk out that door. I never should have said those things to you. I should have turned around. I wanted to, but—”
“It’s okay, baby.” I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and wiped away a snowflake that fell on her cheek with my thumb.
“It’s not okay.” She shook her head. “You were right about everything. I was scared. I was terrified of being hurt again. I was afraid I wouldn’t be enough for you. The truth is, I was never lost in your shadow because you brought me into the light, Jax. You made me fall head over heels in love with you, but you also helped me fall in love with me again. You were right. Anything this life throws at us, we can get through it together. I don’t care what anyone else says. They can think whatever they want about me as long as I’m the woman that gets to love you. You are the love of my life, and I would set my world on fire for you. I love you, Jaxon Slade.”
“I love you so much,” I cried, tears of relief slipping down my cheeks. I scooped her up in my arms, her legs wrapping around my waist as I crashed my lips to hers.
“Come home, Jax,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around me tighter. “Please, come home.”
I sighed, leaning my head against hers, and smiled. “I already am.”
Epilogue
Liv
9 Months Later
“I’m just glad that reporter saw through the bullshit and contacted you,” Ella said, taking a sip of her champagne as we stood off to the side, watching our newfound family chat animatedly. We’d started a tradition of having Sunday dinner anytime we
could all be in town together. Ordinarily, we alternated houses, but this time was different. We had all gathered early at The Loving Pie Company before heading to our next stop.
I shrugged. “I guess there really is no such thing as bad press.” This was something we’d talked about many times over the last few months. Sometimes it was a little hard to believe something so wonderful came out of something that had caused so much pain.
A few days after Jax and I got back together, a fearless female reporter with the Huffington Post contacted me for a piece they were working on about strong women and their ‘second acts,’ featuring my story. The reporter had even gotten a glowing quote from Benton Wyatt himself for the piece. I hadn’t seen him since the night he showed up at my doorstep, but I’d seen pictures of him in the Nashville Scene with a beautiful entertainment lawyer in town. He looked happy, and truthfully, I hoped he was.
The reporter set the record straight about my business and who I was. I even opened up to her a little about my fertility struggles and my relationship with Jax. This led to an onslaught of other press, and the next thing I knew, thousands of women were reaching out to me on social media because my story resonated with them. It felt kind of weird putting my life out there on display, but then I thought about the me from months before.
I’d felt old and washed-up. At almost thirty-seven, I’d thought my life was basically over. But really, it was just beginning. If I could help other women realize they, too, were just getting started, it was all worth it.
“I’m still salty that Shelby girl never apologized for what she did. I hope she can never get her eyeliner to be even ever again.” Ella snorted. “And who’d have thought Benton would come out of this smelling like a rose?” She narrowed her eyes at me. “Though I will side-eye him for the rest of his life.”
Somehow word had gotten around that someone had tried to sabotage me, and the reporter asked if I knew who it was. I pretended I had no idea. At the end of the day, it didn’t really matter what Shelby Kirkland had done. What mattered was that I chose not to let it define me.
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