by Dale Mayer
“Well, you’ve got protein and veggies on one and a salad on the other,” he said, as he walked over and picked up a small little coffee table from the big patio area and put it beside Jaden. “So, you can eat one at the time, and that’ll get some of your nutritional requirements in for the day.”
“You think?” Jaden joked. “A ton of food is here.”
“If it’s too much, just say so,” he said, “and I’ll take something back.”
“You could take back the salad?”
“Nope. The only thing I’ll take back is some of that fried chicken.”
“In that case,” Jaden said, “I’ll do my best to get it all down.”
“Good enough,” he said. He looked over at Brianna. “Did you have enough?”
“I did,” she said. “Thank you.”
He nodded, then turned and left.
“It’s hard to imagine this over-and-beyond service at any other place. And Dennis’s attitude is the best,” Jaden said. “You’ve probably worked in different places. Have you ever seen anything like this?”
“No, this is definitely a unique scenario,” she said. “And the places that I did work in were not like this, where everybody is working to improve themselves. My previous positions weren’t at rehab centers. Some were long-term care facilities. I worked in several geriatric units, and they were all interesting and different in their own right. But not much hope was had in those facilities. So I’m so much happier to be here, watching all of you work miracles.”
“Yep.” Jaden nodded. “We’re all miracles in progress around here.”
By the time he finished his huge meal, he looked at her and said, “You know what? I was tired before I started eating, but now I’m exhausted.”
She looked at him in concern. “Do you want a hand to get back to your room?”
He hesitated. It went against everything inside him to ask her for help. Finally he bolstered his pride—or probably had to shut it down—and said, “Could you at least bring my wheelchair over here?”
She nodded, hopped to her feet, walked over, and brought his wheelchair up to his side. She held it as he made the transition from the lounge into his chair. When he finally collapsed into it, she said, “I’ll take you up to your room.”
“I’m not that bad off.”
“It doesn’t matter if you’re that bad or not,” she said. “I’m still a nurse, and I’d hate to see anybody suffering needlessly.” She wasn’t sure if she’d insulted him with that, but she moved him steadily toward the elevator. By the time she got him back to his room, he was a little stiff-necked and detached.
He nodded his thanks and said, “Close the door on your way out, will you?”
She took the hint and stepped outside, closing the door. Then she walked outside and collected all the dishes onto the tray and carried them up the stairs. She met Dennis outside on the dining area deck, as he wiped off tables.
She said, “He did pretty well.”
Dennis looked at the empty plates, smiled, and said, “He did very well.” He glanced over the railing toward the pool and the hot tub. “Where is he now?”
“Gone to bed,” she said. “His words were,” and she quoted, “I was tired before I ate, but now I’m exhausted.”
Dennis nodded. “A big meal can do that.” He took the tray and the dishes, then thanked her kindly.
She turned and headed back through the cafeteria toward her office. Her revelation while she had been sitting with Dani this morning was something Brianna needed to peruse. It was an ugly, ugly thought. And she didn’t want it to be true, but something was cooking in the back of her mind that made her wonder if she was choosing to be friendly with Jaden because of his disability. To build a friendship and potentially more than that because of his disability.
Where had that come from? That was such an ugly thought that she didn’t know how to wrap her mind around it. Because what possible motivation could be behind it? The trouble was, she already knew the answer to that.
Because Jaden wouldn’t likely have a ton of women who he would go off with and betray her.
She could feel the tears collecting in her eyes as she headed to her office. She wiped them away surreptitiously so that nobody saw.
Back at her desk, she brought up a Word document and just typed out all the craziness in her head, as if she could permanently dispel it from her brain. Like that could happen. Was she really such a small-minded person who would deliberately focus her attention on somebody who was struggling to become more normal because Brianna figured she’d have no competition or because he would have less options and wouldn’t likely betray her? It was such an awful thing to think that she could hardly fight her way through this.
She quickly whispered, “God, I hope not.”
Shane popped his head around the corner and said, “Are you talking to me?”
She immediately shook her head. “No,” she said, “I’m not.”
His face darkened as he studied her. “Looks like you need to talk to somebody.”
She shook her head. “No, no, no, no,” she said. “Some things are just not meant to be voiced out loud.”
At that, he deliberately refused to leave her.
She groaned and said, “I just came up with something that’s pretty … inane, or maybe just totally insane, and I’m hoping it’s not true.”
“Interesting,” Shane said. “Maybe you should talk to me.”
“It’s not that easy,” she said.
“It never is, but chances are it’s got to do with Jaden. In which case, I really would like to know.”
“No,” she said. “It’s too ugly. I keep hoping I’m wrong.”
“Is it about you or about him?”
“Both,” she said, with a broken laugh. She looked down at her computer, quickly deleted the document she had just typed up—God forbid anybody find it—and said, “I think I’ll take a half day off.” She stood, and her hands were shaking.
Immediately Shane reached out, grabbed her hands, held them together, and said, “Calm down, and let’s talk this through. I don’t know what’s going on, but you need a friend right now.”
She looked at him, haunted. “I’m not sure I deserve to have any friends,” she whispered.
She broke free and raced out, leaving Shane staring behind her.
When he woke up later that afternoon, Jaden realized he’d already missed one appointment. He groaned and managed to get into the wheelchair, then headed for his second afternoon appointment. As he rolled down the hallway, Shane stood there, waiting for him. “You’re not my next appointment,” he said. “What’s up?”
“Did anything happen with you and Brianna at noon today?”
He shook his head. “Not really. I got extremely tired. Dennis brought food, and I got even more tired after I ate, so she helped me back to my room. Why?”
Shane frowned. “She just seemed really upset afterward,” he said. “She has taken the afternoon off.”
“Interesting,” he said. “Well, I hope she’s okay. I’m late for an appointment, but I’ll check in with her afterward.”
“The thing is,” Shane said, “it’d be best if you don’t. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it’s something she needs to work out for herself.”
Jaden nodded and said, “Maybe she just needs a friend.”
“I think she’s been very short on those for a long time,” Shane said, staring off in the distance.
“Well, after what happened to her, it’s no wonder,” Jaden said.
“Is it something you can tell me?”
“I think several people know. It’s not like it’s a big secret, but I’m sure she doesn’t want everyone to know either,” he said, hesitating.
“Well, I’d like to know so that maybe I can help her.”
How could Jaden say no to that? He studied Shane’s earnest face and nodded. “I understand. I’m only passing this along in case you can help her with it. But I feel bad sharing this with you. It really
should come from her.” Again Jaden stared at Shane.
“If you feel that strongly about it, then don’t share her secret with me. But, … if you think I could help in any way, then I do kinda need to know what could be upsetting her.”
“Okay.” Jaden nodded, convincing himself it was okay to share this with Shane, knowing he wouldn’t be broadcasting this sensitive information to anybody. Jaden trusted Shane. “Okay. Her fiancé told her before she walked down the aisle that he had been having an affair with her maid of honor.”
Shane winced. “Ouch.”
“It was more than six months ago, but coming here was one of the changes she made for herself.”
“With good reason,” he said. “Well, I offered to be there for her if she needed something.” Shane frowned. “I’ll see if she comes back later today, and maybe I can get her to talk to me this time.”
“Well, maybe let her tell you what went on in her past, before you tell her that you know. She might feel more like opening up to you that way.”
“Sure, I can do that,” Shane said, patting Jaden on his good arm. “You’re a good friend to her.”
“Okay, good enough,” Jaden said. He wheeled toward his psychologist appointment, but inside he’d taken a boot to the gut. Shane had offered to be there for Brianna? Was something going on between the two of them? Jaden didn’t even want to think about that. His heart wrenched a little just at the thought. And yet why wouldn’t she be interested in Shane?
Shane was the opposite of Jaden. I’m not fit. I’m a mess actually, and she is doing so much better for herself after her failed wedding.
Brianna deserved to have somebody. And Shane was a hell of a guy. No reason for her not to spend time with him. But that also meant that she wasn’t interested in spending time with Jaden, at least not in that way. And he didn’t think he could handle that right now. He sat outside the psychologist’s office door, not even sure he was equipped to go in there.
Just as he was about to turn around and leave, she stepped toward him and said, “Definitely time for you to come in now.”
He just glared at her.
She smiled. “The best time to get things out in the open is when you’re angry and upset about something.”
“But I would not be clearheaded at that time,” he said reluctantly, as he wheeled into her room. “I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s just happened, and I don’t know what to make of it.”
“Interesting,” she said in that smooth tongue of hers. He just glared at her. Again. She smiled and said, “Do you want some water?”
He shrugged and accepted a glass from her. And then he sighed. “I sound like a two-year-old, don’t I?”
“I was thinking of an eight-year-old right now,” she said, “but obviously somebody said something to upset you.”
“Why would you think that?”
She chuckled. “It’s what I do. Remember?”
He settled back into a sullen glare again, and her smile widened. He put down the glass of water and said, “This isn’t working. I’m going back to my room.”
“No,” she said firmly. “This is our hour. If you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to talk. You can just sit there.” She walked around to the side of her desk, opened a couple files, and appeared to get back to doing some paperwork.
He stared at her in astonishment. “What’s the point of me sitting here if we’re not going to talk?”
Immediately she closed the folder, faced him with an expectant look, and said, “Perfect. What would you like to talk about?”
And he realized he’d left himself wide open for that. “The fact that I’m not whole,” he said. “That I’m not as good as a man who is whole,” he snapped. “That up against the normal males in this world, I’ll come off in a much worse way. What chance do I have of having another relationship?” The words tumbled out without even giving him a chance to make them coherent.
But she obviously understood. She settled back and said, “Ah.”
His glare turned more ferocious. “What does that mean?” he snapped.
“It’s a stage that every man here goes through,” she said. “It doesn’t matter whether you’re missing a finger or whether you’ve got scars or whether you have internal wounds. That question always comes up. I’m not as good as others, so why would somebody choose me over what is perceived as a perfectly healthy and strong and fit male?”
“Of course,” he said. “It’s part of human nature to compare ourselves to others.”
“And how sad is that?” she said with a sigh. “Because, yes, you’re right. We do. But that doesn’t mean that it’s something that we should do or that we want to keep doing.”
“Well, it’s not like you can stop it,” he grumbled.
“I wish we could,” she said with a laugh. “But, no, you’re right. So, what you have to understand is that all those perfect people you’re comparing yourself to,” she said, with a gentle smile, “are not perfect.”
“Well, they sure look perfect to me.”
“Of course because you’re looking from a very jaded and one-sided point of view,” she said.
“So what should I do instead? I’m supposed to sit here and think of all the good things that I have in order to compete with the others?”
“You’ll never compete,” she said, “because competition is the wrong avenue to even consider much less take. What you have to remember is that, inside, you are good enough. And that whatever woman you’re looking to impress will be impressed if she’s the right one for you.” He snorted at that, and her smile deepened. “I presume we’re talking about Brianna.”
He froze. His gaze widened as he stared at her.
She nodded. “I thought as much.”
“And how did you know?”
“Places like this,” she said, “it’s pretty hard to keep things like that a secret.”
“Well, there isn’t anything to keep secret,” he said, “because nothing is between us.”
“Are you not friends?” And one of her eyebrows raised delicately.
He could feel his insides clenching. But the honesty required of him at that moment had him speaking the truth. “Yes, we’re friends.”
“Good,” she said. “I understand that Brianna could use a friend right now.”
And, with those simple words, Jaden realized how he’d made this all about himself. Without even thinking about what it was that Brianna wanted or needed. He took a slow deep breath. “That was a low blow.”
“In what way?”
“Stop asking me questions,” he said in frustration.
She placed her pen down, then leaned back, interlaced her fingers, and rested them in her lap. “Why don’t you tell me what the relationship is between you and Brianna.”
“She’s a nurse. I’m a patient.”
“So, it’s professional?
“No. Yes.” He frowned. “It’s professional in that we’re both here at Hathaway House,” he said slowly, “but we’re also friends.”
“Good. Like I said, I think she could use a friend right now.”
And again he struggled with that. He reached up, rubbed his face, and said, “Jesus, I’m a mess.”
“So let’s figure it out,” she said.
He shook his head. “There’s not a whole lot to figure out. I just suddenly realized that there was no reason for her to even want to spend time with me when perfectly healthy individuals are around who are well respected and are 100 percent physically normal.”
“Like Shane?”
He glared at her, adding a groan this time. “You don’t have a problem going for the jugular, do you?”
The corner of her mouth twitched.
He nodded. “Okay, so maybe Shane said something that set this off.” He continued to glare at her. “How do you know?”
“I did see you in the hallway with him.”
“Perfect,” he muttered but then shut up.
“So? Shane works with a to
n of people,” she said. “He works with a ton of patients and many professional people. As far as I know, he’s never had a relationship with anybody in this place.”
“There’s always a first,” Jaden muttered.
“There are, indeed, firsts everywhere we look,” she said smoothly. “But I do know that he’s a good friend to all of us here. If he thought that somebody needed help or that somebody should reach out a hand, Shane would be one of the first ones to do so. He has done so many times already. It hasn’t ever worked out to being a relationship for him though.”
“That doesn’t mean this won’t happen now.”
“No, probably it doesn’t mean that, but neither does it mean it automatically will either. What you’re listening to is the fear inside you. That part of you that says, You’ll never be as good as Shane, so why would anybody look at you? You’re comparing yourself again, and that’s a downhill pathway that you don’t want to go on.”
“Too late,” he snapped. “I hit the gas pedal in that direction at least twenty minutes ago. I haven’t been able to stop yet.”
“So, what is it you think that Brianna needs?” she asked.
“She needs a man who’s dependable and who won’t betray her,” he said instantly. “Somebody who will be there for her when she’s down and out. Somebody who she knows she can trust, even when her best friends are around.”
“And why on earth,” the psychologist said with emphasis, “would you think that Shane has any more of that than you do?”
He stared at her, frowned, and said, “Maybe he won’t have any more of all that than me, but, given we’re the same inside, everybody looks to the next level, and Shane definitely will win there.”
“What makes you think she’ll go to the next level? You’ve just said everything she needs, which fall inside a man, those things that make up his character, not his height or weight or the color of his hair.”
“But there’s more to a relationship than just showing up and being a good person,” he complained. He saw that she was trying to keep a smile off her face. And he realized just how this all started to sound.
“Yes, there’s a lot more to a relationship,” she said. “There has to be that click, that connection that says that something special is between you. In my opinion, that comes first, whether it’s as subtle as a Texas fall or as blunt as a lightning strike. You may not even recognize it at first. I doubt you can have that spark with two different people at the same time. Not if you’re being honest with yourself. Not if you recognize the difference between lust and love.