I lifted my shoulders, first one, then the other as if to say so-so, my eyes shooting him an and you? question. He did the same.
We were the ones left behind, and now we needed to clean up the mess for the sake of our children. But for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel so alone.
Chapter 3
“And over here, you’ll see they went with recessed lighting in the main area.” I led my clients through the fifty-year-old ranch-style house. They weren’t going to buy it, but just in case, I spouted every advantage this house possessed, which wasn’t much. I was in a neighboring town, thirty miles from home, closer to the North Dakota border. The distance didn’t bother me as much as it used to when I was first single. Conner was old enough to troubleshoot issues, and now that he’d been to three hockey practices, he had buddies he could call on if he needed anything, like a ride home from practice.
And there was Hayden.
The phone call from Hayden the first night of practice had surprised me. I’d been in my kitchen, stress washing dishes and wiping down the cupboards. I’d wished for a showing just to get my mind off how Conner was doing, but no luck. I was stuck home, wanting to sneak across town and park outside the rink and summon the guts to wander inside like I was looking for someone.
But Hayden had messaged me before I left to pick up Conner, asking if he could bring him home. He wanted to talk to both of us, without prying eyes.
The old feeling of friendship sparked back to life. I couldn’t do this without Hayden. While I’d been closer to Carrie because the guys often talked hockey, Hayden’s personality was more attractive. I’d have rather talked to him most of the time because while his dad jokes were funny, he had a wicked sense of humor he saved for adults. When you spoke to him, you didn’t get the feeling he was scanning the room, looking for someone else to approach. He focused on me and what I was saying. Unlike my husband at the time, he wasn’t using me to bring the conversation back to him. And unlike Hayden’s wife at the time, he wasn’t walking off mid conversation when someone more fun and exciting entered the room. The little things in my friendship with her that I’d chosen to ignore but would never put up with again.
My phone buzzed. Once the couple wandered into the master bedroom, I discreetly peeked at the message. Hayden. I checked the time. Practice should be going. He had assistant coaches, but the worst-case scenarios hung in my mind. Conner got hurt. He quit. There was a fight.
Frowning, I hung back to read it all. Can we meet after practice?
Everything okay?
Yes, I just feel an in-person update through this process is best.
I couldn’t answer him right away. Breezing into the master suite, my stomach plummeted. Water marks stained the ceiling and the carpet made me glad I wore special socks when I had showings in other people’s houses. “As you can see, there’s a bay window that really opens up the space…”
My mind wasn’t on the details. I was silently urging the couple to wrap it up so I could get back home even though practice wasn’t done for an hour and a half.
Finally, they saw all they wanted, and like I’d predicted, they’d passed on the house. The drive back to Prairie Mills took forever, but thirty minutes later, I was pulling into town.
My phone buzzed again. I waited until I got to the rink before I checked it. This time it was Conner. Can I get a ride home from Jordan?
Jordan. His mom was one of the ones who’d tried calling me. A few of the parents in our close group had. I’d ignored them all. Having Conner catch a ride with a buddy seemed normal enough. My anxiety over what Hayden had to talk to me about lessened. Yes.
I stayed where I was and watched the boys filter out. Pulling into my driveway, a gasp stuck in my throat. I’d never gotten back to Hayden. I shot him a quick message that I could meet him in ten minutes.
I made it to the arena as Conner exited the building behind Jordan, laughing at something the other kid said. My heart swelled until I saw Mason exit by himself and head in the opposite direction toward his car, his face sullen and his shoulders drooping. Waiting until the boys left, I slipped out and hurried to the door. Crisp autumn air whipped around me. I did not miss running to all these games and to out-of-town tournaments in the dead of winter.
Inside, the entry was bright. Younger kids and their parents filtered through for their own practices. High school got priority ice-time in our town.
Hayden’s office was to the left. I’d been there many times.
When I rounded the corner and peered through the open door, I stalled. Hayden’s broad back was to me, his hands on his hips and his head down. He was dressed in a black lightweight waterproof jacket with pants made of the same material. Warm-ups. Black with red trim, and I didn’t have to see the front to know the school’s bird mascot was in full color on the left side of the chest.
My first instinct was to go behind him and put my arms around his shoulders and lean my head on his back. He’d be strong and warm. I could sink into him and shut my eyes—
My body sparked alive like ethanol-soaked tinder near an open flame, heat blooming in my belly and spreading out to places I’d convinced myself were dormant.
A startled noise squeaked out of my throat. What the hell was I thinking?
He turned, his bright gaze landing on me and warming, his eyes crinkling in the corners. “Jess, thanks for coming.” He gestured to a chair, then chuckled. The seat was piled with warm-ups. He bent to clear them off. “Sorry. I don’t usually get visitors.”
I chuckled, trying desperately to tell my libido that it could not wake up now. “They’ve changed the warm-ups since I last went to a game.” Kyle and I used to go to all the home games. I had thought it was because he was obsessed with hockey—not the coach’s wife.
“Yeah. The boosters do a great job raising money for this kind of stuff.” He pulled the chair closer to his desk, but instead of sitting in his office chair, he cleared a pair of breezers off a second chair. Our knees were nearly touching, but he kept the office door open. The hair on the back of my neck tingled just being in the same room alone with him. People were going to talk.
Wanting to get this over with, I asked, “How’s practice been going?”
“Good.” He waited for a moment before pinning me with a don’t-bullshit-me-now gaze. “How are you doing?”
I was about to give the same answer he gave me. Good. It’s what I told everyone. My parents. My coworkers. And Conner. But with Hayden, a gate in my personal wall opened. “It’s been rough, but I think I’m past the worst. I hope Conner is, but only time will tell. You?”
“Same. I always meant to apologize.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I feel like he shouldn’t have been able to learn about the affair.” He lifted a shoulder. “I mean, we passcode protect our phones, but we all know each other’s. Usually, he never cared what we were doing on them, but he must’ve gotten suspicious and went snooping. He picked up on it first when it should have been me.”
I gave him a sympathetic smile, letting him know that I didn’t blame him at all. “Whenever I’m driving and I get a text, I have Conner read them for me. Sometimes he replies for me too. He can get into my phone and we share a computer, and I don’t really care.” I was too boring for Conner to want to peek at my life, and he wasn’t the type of kid to cause trouble.
“I’ve kept my code the same. I want Mason to feel like he can trust me because he’s lost that now, you know.” He winced. “He’s still acting out. I can’t tell what’s normal teenager attitude and what’s from the split.”
“Have you heard from them? Does she talk to Mason?”
He shook his head, and my body acted before my brain. I leaned over and put my hand on his arm. The jacket was cool, but the hard line of muscle was clear underneath the fabric. “I’m sorry. I saw Mason before I came in and he was…different.”
Hayden sat forward, but gave my hand a squeeze before I withdrew it. “He is. I
f he wasn’t in hockey, I think he’d be stealing cars or something. He’s an angry kid.”
“How’s he dealing with Conner?”
Hayden’s mouth tightened. “He’s…okay. I think he wants things to go back to the way they were between them, but they can’t. He promised not to start any shit with Conner.”
Okay. That was a start. Maybe after the first game, and the first out-of-town trip, they’d grow closer.
Hayden’s expression lightened until he nearly smiled. “I admit that the reason I asked you here wasn’t just to talk about the boys. How are we doing?”
I blinked. We? We weren’t anything, yet we were connected in a way that could never be forgotten. “I thought about you a lot.”
“Me too.” His smile was sheepish. “I wanted to know how you were doing, but I thought you might hate me.”
“You? God, no. Why would you think that?”
His eyes turned sad. “If it wasn’t for Carrie…”
“I don’t think Kyle was sitting there going, ‘no please, don’t touch me like that.’”
“Carrie would tell him how she wanted it.” I coughed my surprise, and he scrubbed his hands over his face. “I’m sorry I said that. It’s just that since I’ve been single, those few moments I’m not worrying about Mason, I’ve found that I’m actually…happier. In a way.”
I thought over what he said. “I know what you mean. I’m angry about what Kyle did and how he did it. I’m worried about money so much more than before. And, of course, about my kid.” I’m lonely too. “But none of it revolves around actually missing Kyle.”
I had to look away. How had I never seen that before? I missed having a partner. I didn’t miss Kyle’s dismissive tone, or how he constantly compared me to the other hockey moms.
“I thought for a while that I was so pissed at Carrie and that was why I wasn’t depressed she was gone. But then I thought of her coming back.” He rubbed his chest. “I nearly panicked.”
I giggled because I felt the same. As angry as I was at Kyle for leaving, I didn’t want to deal with him coming back. “Why didn’t we see it?”
“See that we were losing satisfaction in our marriages? Or see the affair?”
My humor drained out of me. “Both, I guess.”
“Status quo is a comfortable place to be. As for the affair.” This time he had to look away. “I suspected she might be having a fling, but I would’ve never guessed with who.”
“I didn’t. I still want to throw up when I think that he was sleeping with both of us at the same time.”
Hayden lifted a brow. “He was? Carrie was tired, or it was that time of the month, or she hadn’t showered.”
“Well, now she has to pull double duty.”
He snorted, and I admired the laugh lines around his mouth. His sandy brown hair was a few shades lighter than mine, and it normally had a nice wave that made a lock fall on his forehead. But since he’d been coaching and wearing his helmet and skates, his hair was finger-combed off his head and spiky. The effect made him look younger than his thirty-seven years. And good-looking, but he was that no matter what.
We sat in compatible silence for another minute before he leaned toward me, putting his elbow on his thighs.
It was all I could do not to lean closer, to see if he still had that one hyperpigmented spot of brown by his right pupil. Of course, it was still there. Eyes didn’t suddenly change color, and I had no business wanting to get closer to Hayden.
“Was that all you wanted to talk about?” While I was antsy about the weirdness going on inside of me and aware that it’d go away if I wasn’t in the same room as him, I didn’t want to go.
“Yeah, basically. But I think we should keep in regular communication. I don’t think the boys will work through their issues with each other that easily.”
“Good idea.” Whatever was going on with me, I had to deal with it. Because this wouldn’t be the last time I met with Hayden.
I glanced at him. He nodded, but the line formed between his brows. His eyes were the key to deciphering his mood. He could be barking out commands and reprimands on the ice, but unless his eyes were sparking fire, he wasn’t really mad.
When we’d go out for appetizers after a game, he’d joke and laugh. He was always joking and laughing. Except for now.
My journey through the divorce had been lonely, but in this small town, it had also helped to isolate myself. Or maybe it had hurt, but I’d never know. Work often took me out of town, and I could grab a few groceries in a store where I wasn’t as known as in Prairie Mills. Being around large groups of people were avoided entirely.
But Hayden had his job teaching geometry in the high school and then his coaching gig. He was constantly around residents of this town that knew the sordid details. He said he was happier, but was he really?
“How have you been, Hayden? Truthfully.”
“Like I said, personally I’m better off. I can see that now.” He blinked, his shutters falling until I glimpsed the overwhelming fatigue. “Mason’s slump worries me. I wanted to get away with him this summer, but with the divorce…”
Ah. Carrie was a stay-at-home-mom long after Mason was in school. The jobs she flitted in and out of weren’t the type that would pad a savings account or build up retirement. Kyle and I had to raid savings to pay for the legal fees, but we’d weathered the ordeal financially. Splitting half would’ve hit Hayden’s accounts harder than ours.
“How has he been acting out?” I knew the answer just from the way Mason walked through the parking lot, his eyes hooded and his mouth in a mutinous line. He probably blamed himself but took his anger out on his dad.
“I think everyone else has moved on from the drama, but he thinks that it’s all people think about when they see him.”
“I must admit, I’m guilty of the same thing.” And I wasn’t a teenager.
Hayden’s face hardened. “Believe me, you weren’t wrong. But I think enough time has passed that our ex-spouses have moved into urban legend status.”
There went my hand on his arm again. “I was just thinking about how I was able to isolate myself, but you had to be in the thick of it.”
He leaned in closer, his head tilted in a way that made me tip my own head toward him, like we were sharing our own private secret. “It was easier than you’re thinking. Not many people cared for Carrie. I didn’t have to cook for myself at all during last year’s season.” He let out a soft laugh. “As if they thought she had a homecooked meal for me every night. She hated cooking, and we ate out most of the winter when I was working late.”
I stared at him. My first thought was, yes, that reddish-brown spot by his pupil was still there, and so much more mesmerizing than before. My second… What the hell? People cooked for him?
I hadn’t talked to any of them in more than a year. A few moms had tried calling after Kyle left, but I couldn’t do more than message them back. Sorry I missed your call. Busy. Eventually they gave up.
Now I was regretting those times. Maybe I wouldn’t have been lonely. But then I’d wonder… Who had known? Who and how many suspected that Kyle was fucking Carrie? How many of them cast sympathetic looks my way when I wasn’t looking? Had any of them covered for Kyle?
Then I wondered if Hayden had the same thoughts. Probably not. He seemed to have breezed through his divorce without the lead weight attached to his ankles like me. And he was the coach, so the parents probably kissed his ass, whether they’d known him for years or not.
Was that what I got for ignoring a few calls? Ignored in return?
My face must’ve revealed my stunned anger. His fingers brushed the top of my hand. “Jordan’s parents told me they tried to contact you. Same with Brendan’s. When I heard you wouldn’t answer, I was too chicken to call you.”
“I was alone.” By choice. But it hadn’t felt like a choice at the time. It’d been unbearable to face the team and their parents.
His strong hand curled around mine. “You’re h
alf of the reason why I wanted Conner to play this year. It’d be good for him, good for the team, but I also wanted you back in the stands.”
His warm skin on mine felt way better than it should’ve. Heat bloomed from where he touched me, and I realized how long it’d been since—
This was Hayden. But I couldn’t bring myself to pull my hand away. I mumbled, “Thank you,” but I wasn’t sure it was sincere.
He released my hand and sat up straight, his gaze going toward the door.
I yearned for his touch, but panic laced my veins. Who caught us holding hands? Would that reignite the talk?
His assistant coach Allan rounded the door, his skates scraping the rubber mats leading to the office.
“What’s up?” Hayden asked.
Allan’s eyes landed on me, his gaze filling with recognition. “Hey, Jess. Glad Conner could join us this year.”
Taking the reprieve, I rose and slipped out from between the chairs without touching Hayden. “Thanks. We were just talking about how it’d be good for him.”
Nice attempt at an excuse. It was the truth, but I felt like I was deflecting from the odd vibes simmering between Hayden and me.
I was being paranoid. Hayden saw me as nothing more than an old friend, and no matter what he said, he was a coach. He wanted to win the state championship, and Conner could help with that.
“See you Friday.” I smiled at Allen, and when I looked back at Hayden to give him a lame wave, I found him watching me, an undecipherable emotion wavering in his gaze.
It was Friday. The first home game.
I parked in the garage, punched the button to close the garage door, and rushed inside. What the hell was I going to wear?
Offsides (A Playing Hard Novella Book 3) Page 2