Like, how can walking be that good? I am completely inspired. Everything that comes out of her mouth I want to wrap up and take home with me.
She stops. ‘Excuse me – you in the back? In every colour of the rainbow?’
Everyone turns round to see who she’s talking to. It’s Jade.
‘Me?’ says Jade.
‘Yes, honey. Please go get changed into something appropriate. The dress code was very clear. OK, everyone, get into fours.’
Jade stands there with her mouth open for a second, before turning on her heel and walking out of the studio, her cheeks burning brighter than her neon two-piece. The cameras follow.
Kiki nudges me and gives me an I knew it wink.
We split into smaller groups to perform. This is it. I have to nail this. And not even for the cameras. I need to work with this woman. I need her in my life. I need this dancing.
‘So we’ve got lots going on,’ Lisa says, her New Yorker’s voice easily reaching the back of the room. ‘We’ve got arms and we’ve got heads and now I’m asking you to tilt your pelvis and breathe in a certain way and you’re like –’ she does a head-exploding thing with her hands – ‘but I want you to throw all that away. The only thing you need to remember is that now you have a secret. Doesn’t matter what. But something we’d all want to know. Dance with that in mind.’ She goes and sits behind the table with Michael and two of the dance teachers, ready to mark off who she wants to recall.
When I think about secrets, I can’t help but think about Mum’s. That won’t help – I’m in search of them, not in possession. Looking around, everyone else seems ready, their knowing faces poised for action. I start to panic. But then I spot Sam, staring through her camera at me almost like if she focuses hard enough, she’ll see into my mind, and it makes me think of all the things she’d love to know about me. And then suddenly, in this moment, I get it. Which is a feeling I’ve never had about dance before.
Right now, I’ve got this.
CHAPTER 10
19:10
Fletch:
How’d it go?
Good, I think? Lisa was amazing, so inspired!
Cool. We’re up against it here but speak later? X
19:40
Luca:
Heard you nailed it today!
Well, I didn’t fall on my arse . . .
How was Lisa?
AMAZING
I want to be her
I met her today, too . . .
How come?
She came into my second interview and got me doing a few moves
Are the band going to be dancing lol
Hope not
No idea what that was all about
But I really want to be part of this
Fingers crossed we both get it! x
Yeah, fingers crossed! x
‘Nettie!’ Kiki screams so loudly, I can hear her perfectly through the Friday-night-student-rammed foyer. I push my way through the crowd to her and Leon beside the noticeboard outside the main office.
‘It’s up! Look!’ She points to a piece of paper pinned to the board. It’s the cast list for Chicago.
My eyes scan down to the role I was hoping for. My heart does its own one-eighty. ‘Oh my God, I got Roxie! And Leon, you’re Amos!’
‘To top it off, I got assistant to Lisa Jacobs,’ says Kiki. ‘And the part of Liz – what a great end to the week!’
‘Kiki, that’s amazing! Lisa singling you out and asking you to assist her is the stuff dreams are made of. She’s a god of dance.’ I pick Kiki up and spin her round, both of us laughing hysterically.
‘Which one’s Liz?’ says Leon.
‘“Pop”’ she says giddily. ‘The first one – about the gum? A killer monologue with no singing! Yay, me! You’ll have to help me with that, Nettie. Oh my God, this is going to be great,’ she adds when I’ve put her down (not our best landing).
‘I can’t believe it,’ he marvels. ‘I barely expected to get in, let alone a part.’
‘Well, you shouldn’t be so disgustingly talented,’ Kiki says cheerfully.
Taro suddenly emerges from the crowd to kiss Leon on the cheek in congratulations. I can tell Leon’s looking around to make sure there are no cameras, but they go off together happily, arm in arm. I’m so glad things are turning around for Leon.
‘Who else got in?’ says Kiki. ‘Let’s have a look. Velma went to Shaiann Greig.’
‘Ooh, she’ll be good,’ I say.
‘Billy Flynn . . . Luca Viscusi? That’s odd – he went up for assistant MD, didn’t he? Nice, though.’
‘Nice for Nettie,’ says Alec, who’s just appeared behind us.
I look over her shoulder at him. ‘Not this again.’
‘Well, you’re going to be enjoying a very close relationship with him onstage. Doesn’t Roxie spend a whole number sitting on his lap?’
I barely suppress an eye-roll. Why did I tell him about that kiss last year? Since then, he’s refused to believe that there’s nothing between us. I open my mouth to reply, but he cuts off my burgeoning retort with a question.
‘Where’s Leon? I wanted to congratulate him.’
‘He went off with Taro,’ says Kiki.
It’s probably just as well – even a ‘well done’ from Alec can sound like sarcasm, and I don’t think Leon needs that right now.
‘Oh,’ he says. ‘Whatever – I’ll catch him later.’ He’s trying to sound like he doesn’t care, but I can tell it’s getting to him. Leon’s been spending a lot of time with Taro, and I think Alec’s feeling left out.
Miss Duke comes out of the office – alone. My last lesson with Steph flashes through my mind. I need to talk to her. I’ve got to do it now, or I never will. Boosted by the recent casting news, I slip out of Kiki and Alec’s grip and join the two of them back together like I’m fixing a circuit.
‘OK,’ I say. ‘Wish me luck.’
‘What are you doing, Nettie?’ splutters Kiki, her eyes darting to Miss Duke.
‘Going to find out what happened to Mum.’
‘Aren’t there easier ways to die?’
‘Maybe.’ This might be a huge disaster. But at the moment, Miss Duke is the best chance I’ve got of finding out anything. Outwardly calm (but secretly shitting a brick), I walk over to the office corridor, where she’s standing in the doorway, looking out over the crowded foyer. She’s only a person. I can do this.
‘Miss Duke?’ Dammit. My knee’s shaking already. I can feel Kiki eyeballing me through the back of my head.
‘Antoinette,’ she says, unsmiling. I can tell I haven’t picked a good time. Still, I’m here now. It’s not the moment to waver.
‘I want to ask you about my mother,’ I blurt out.
‘Anastasia? What about her?’ Her cheeks go pink under several layers of powder.
‘I – just – wanted to know what happened to her.’ Even as I say the words, I realize I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking. ‘Why she . . . stopped dancing.’
Miss Duke takes a second to consider this. ‘I assumed,’ she says, ‘that it was because she had you.’
‘Oh.’ Undeterred, I try again. ‘I just . . . wondered why she didn’t talk about her career. She never even mentioned she knew you. Miss Duke, I got sent this vid—’
‘Maybe she didn’t think it was worth mentioning,’ says Miss Duke over the top of me, glancing over my shoulder as if looking for someone. She gives the tiniest of nods.
I’m not letting her distract me. Scrabbling in my bag for my phone to show her the clip, I press on. ‘But you were friends. You said so yourself. Why would she keep that a secret? Unless something happened between you?’
It’s a step too far.
She pulls me close to speak into my ear. ‘Listen to me, Antoinette.’ Though she’s whispering, there’s an unmistakeable rancour in her voice. ‘I am not prepared to discuss a past that has nothing to do with you; airing my dirty laundry in front of the entire world like a fish wife. What happ
ened between your mother and me is no one else’s business.’
‘But—’
She pulls away, smiling. ‘And may I say, Antoinette, how proud I am.’
‘What?’
‘After everything you suffered last year, to overcome your vocal problems and get the leading role in our college musical this year.’ Her face is full of pride. Are her eyes glistening? I stare at her, open-mouthed.
Just then, I become aware of something behind me in the foyer. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, like a warning. I turn slowly.
There’s a camera about two feet behind me, aimed over my shoulder at Miss Duke.
I get it now.
She puts a hand on my arm. Its coolness bleeds through my clothes to my skin, an incongruous chill against the warm gesture it’s supposed to be. Her grip tightens.
‘Thank you, Miss Duke,’ I say. ‘I’ll do my best.’ I feel like a robot.
Smiling, she squeezes my arm hard, before retreating into the office. I back away from the doorway, the cold touch of her hand spreading through my body like frostbite. She must have known I’d want to keep my questions about Mum private, which is why she beckoned the camera over. This is so frustrating – I’m at a dead end before I’ve even started.
Anand peeks out from the office door. ‘Nettie?’
‘Hey, Anand.’
‘Congratulations on Roxie,’ he says, smiling.
‘Thanks.’ I’m still thawing out. ‘How’s it going for you guys?’
He looks behind him. ‘Oh, not too bad . . . Actually, Sam sent me to ask you if you’d thought about what she said.’
‘I have thought about it,’ I say, ‘and I just don’t think it’s me.’ Not after what just happened, anyway. ‘Sorry, Anand.’ I turn to go.
‘Nettie, wait!’ he says. ‘Look –’ he pulls me over to the other side of the foyer – ‘I just overheard what you were talking about with Miss Duke. That stuff about your mother.’
‘Oh. Right?’ I feel kind of weird that he knows about it when I’ve been trying to keep it to myself. I’d really rather leave Mum out of it all.
‘Your mum was a famous dancer, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you want to find out more about her?’
‘Yeah – Anand, I don’t really—’
‘I shouldn’t be telling you this,’ he says, ‘but Sam knows who your mum was. She was on one about it in pre-production, and then, for whatever reason, she changed her mind about including it when we started filming . . . But I just heard her talking about it again with one of the producers. She wants to feature it as a main story.’
And I bet Millicent Moore told her.
‘Then I’m definitely not being part of the show,’ I say.
‘Look, I know Sam,’ he whispers. ‘If you give her nothing, she’ll go out of her way to take everything. She won’t stop until your whole life is laid bare. It doesn’t matter whether you decide to cooperate with the programme or not. In fact, if you don’t give her anything, she’ll look for a story elsewhere. And at the moment, it seems like that’s going to be . . . your mum.’
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Kiki leaving the building and getting into a sports car that’s waiting just outside. As she opens the door, I get a glimpse of Sam smiling up at her. She closes the door and the car speeds off down the road. What the hell, they’re suddenly BFFs?
‘Nettie?’
‘Sorry. I . . . Never mind. Why are you telling me all this?’
‘I don’t want her taking advantage of you. She . . . does that. You’re a nice kid, Nettie.’
‘Kid? How old are you?’
He pulls his sweater down uncomfortably. ‘I’m twenty-one. Look, let me help you. We can keep it from Sam. Just . . . be in the show and let her think she’s getting what she wants. That way, she’ll leave you alone. I can’t change the concept for the show – it’s already clear she wants to make you the main feature – but I can try to protect you a little. Nettie, I’ve seen what she can do to people. Trust me, you don’t want to be on the receiving end.’
My own life being invaded is one thing. But having Mum’s life broadcast to millions of people is another, especially when I don’t even know anything about her. That’s too intimate to share. Kiki might have let her guard down, but I won’t. As much as I hate it, Anand’s right. The only way to keep my privacy is to let Sam think she’s getting what she wants.
‘OK,’ I say. ‘I’ll do it.’
17:47
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Luca:
Ahhhhhh, you too
Thanks, I think?
You’ll be amazing. So great that we get to work together!
Yeah! Bit weird, though
???
Casting me, I mean!
Not working with you
Like why would they do that?
Not saying this for compliments, but there are so many better people than me. And I really wanted to work on the music side of things.
Not to sound ungrateful but
No, I get what you mean. Like it’s your third year, you should be allowed to specialize.
I feel like it’s got something to do with Triple Threat?
God I hope not
Maybe ask Anand about it? He seems to be the only guy worth talking to on the crew.
Yeah. Maybe.
My phone’s going off in my bag as I get out of the shower that evening. I know if I leave it ringing, Alec will answer, and who knows what damage that boy could do with it. Shivering, I throw a towel around me and dash back to my room, grabbing the phone out of my bag. It doesn’t respond to my slippery hands for a few seconds, so I dry them on the part of the towel that’s over my legs, and try again. It’s Fletch, on FaceTime.
‘CONGRATULATIONS!’ he says.
‘Hey,’ I say, laughing and wiping the water off the screen.
He starts laughing at me.
‘What?’
‘Nothing,’ he says. ‘You’re just too cute.’
I check myself in the small window at the bottom of the screen and see that my entire fringe is plastered to one side of my forehead. Rolling my eyes, I smooth it back (forwards never goes well when it’s wet).
‘Well done on getting Roxie – I’m so proud of you.’
‘Leon got Amos,’ I say excitedly. ‘How much fun is that going to be?’
‘So much fun,’ he says. ‘I wish I was able to do it with you. Who else got in?’
‘From your year? Elizabeth Ferguson got Mamma Morton, Taro’s Fred Casely, Luca’s Billy Flynn—’
‘Luca?’ interrupts Fletch.
‘Yeah, how great is that?! It’s a bit weird, because he went for assistant MD, but kind of cool anyway!’
He pauses. ‘I’m just surprised he’s not doing the music with Michael.’
‘Miss Duke asked him to audition, apparently.’
Another pause. ‘Well, that’s brilliant,’ he says finally. ‘I’m glad everyone got the parts they wanted. You’re amazing.’
‘Thanks.’
‘I love you,’ he says. ‘I can’t wait to see you.’
‘Are you coming home this weekend?’ I say. ‘I was thinking we could go to Auntie’s and pick up some of Mum’s stuff.’
He sighs. ‘Nettie, I’m not going to be back for a few weeks.’
‘Well, can I come and visit you? I could get the train down and—’
‘I mean, you could, but the reason I can’t get back is because I’ll be working all weekend. You’d be on your own the whole time. These writers, they keep weird hours, and I never know when they’re going to keep me late. Sometimes we go on past midnight.’
‘That’s ridiculous,’ I say. ‘You’re an intern!’
‘Nettie, remember when we were writing songs together last year?’ he says. ‘One of us would have an idea, and we’d sit there and work and work on it until we’d got it exactly how we wanted it. Do you remember that feeling when we finally nailed it?’
How could I not? Last year I lived for our writing sessions. Finishing a song together was the best feeling in the world, and that would have still been true even if I hadn’t been in love with my writing partner.
‘Of course.’
‘Well, this is the same. Honestly, I thought I’d be down here making tea for Oliver and West, but it’s not like that. I’m fully involved in their creative process. They listen to my ideas, Nettie – sometimes they even use them. When we work late, it’s because we don’t want to lose momentum – we need to catch the idea and run with it. It’s hard work, but kind of exhilarating.’
I suddenly realize something: if we stay together long term, this is going to be how it is for us. Accepting jobs that take us away from each other, meeting new and interesting people, working obsessively on our own projects. All the things that can make couples drift apart. We’ve got to find a way to make it work. And I need to start by giving him space to do this.
‘I can’t wait to hear it,’ I say.
‘What else is new?’ he asks. ‘Any college dramas?’
Now it’s my turn to pause. As dramas go, the last few weeks have been up there. Jade, Sam, the auditions – it’s been non-stop. There were my conversations with Michael and Miss Duke about Mum, and Anand stopping me in the foyer. Mum’s boxes are still gathering dust in Auntie’s attic and I’m desperate to get them, but at the same time the thought of what I might find fills me with dread. Everything’s so confusing right now that I could do with talking it over with someone. But then I remember Alec’s comment at the beginning of term, about Fletch and me and the seemingly never-ending drama of last year, and I stop myself. Long distance is hard, and Fletch has got a lot going on. Maybe telling him all my worries isn’t going to be helpful when he’s away. For this to be anywhere near plain sailing, we’ve got to keep it simple.
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