Alec:
Jokes
Well done Leon for your first singing final!
Leon:
Thanks! And you, Nettie!
Kiki:
Oh yeah, I forgot you didn’t sing last year. That seems like another lifetime.
It REALLY does.
After the break for the Duke’s Awards first round, Michael and Lisa get straight back into rehearsing Chicago before everything stops again for the finals next week. Tonight it’s obvious we’ve lost ground and the general mood is . . . panicky. We’ve only got just over a week until the show and it’s clear we’ve lost momentum. And another problem is that with all the stop-starting because of the cameras, we’ve never run the show from start to finish. We’re trying it tonight and I’m scared.
‘So, we’re kind of back to where we were,’ says Lisa at the end of the run. ‘We can’t afford to lose ground again.’ She gives Sam a sneer of disapproval.
We pack up and leave the studio, as do the TV crew – except Anand, who hovers in the corner nervously. ‘Nettie – can I have a quick word?’
Luca, who’s heading out, looks over suspiciously.
‘Sure – is it quick?’ I say, looking for Leon to ask him a question about our scene. But he’s already left.
‘Sam’s asked me to ask you if you’d mind changing your song choice for the Duke’s Awards finals. I know it’s a pain – sorry.’
A pain? I’ve been working on ‘You Matter to Me’ from Waitress for weeks. Also – I was hoping Fletch would know I was singing it for him. He said he’d be there to watch me.
‘What does she want me to sing?’ I say, sighing. ‘And I’m assuming she’s telling me, not asking?’
‘Well, yeah.’ Anand looks nervous. ‘It’s . . . “Dead Mom” from Beetlejuice.’
Oh my God. You couldn’t make it up. I let out a hollow laugh. ‘Is she doing this just to spite me?’
‘I honestly don’t understand how her brain works,’ says Anand, letting out a slow breath. He looks really sad. In fact, he’s been looking increasingly low these last few weeks.
‘Anand, are you OK?’
‘I just – she gets to me sometimes. And then I get angry at myself for not speaking up or being braver.’
‘You can’t blame yourself for that. Sam’s intimidating.’
‘It’s not just her. I’m the same in every area of my life. Afraid of acting. Like . . .’
‘Go on.’
‘Well, there’s this person I’m in love with, but I’m too scared to tell him.’
‘It’s not your flatmate Jay by any chance, is it?’
Anand looks taken aback. ‘How did you know?’
I smile. ‘You mention him a lot. So why can’t you tell him?’
‘I don’t even know if he’s into guys. Sometimes I think he likes me, but then I’m not sure.’
I give him a smile. ‘Well, there’s only one way to find out.’
Anand smiles awkwardly back. ‘Yeah.’ He goes to leave but then stops, like he’s psyching himself up to do something. He pulls me close. ‘Listen, I found something out,’ he whispers. ‘About . . . Well, I just need to confirm it’s true, but when I do . . .’ He trails off, almost like he’s too scared to say anything.
‘Yeah . . . ?’
‘. . . It’ll be huge.’
The way he’s looking at me right now, I’m almost certain it’s got something to do with Sam.
I go downstairs to catch up with Leon, wondering what Anand’s found out about Sam. Maybe she’s been bullying the people who work for her . . . Or doing dodgy business deals, I don’t know – Ugh. I balk at myself. I’m kind of done thinking about bloody Sam. I pop in some earphones, blast ‘Whataya Want from Me’ from & Juliet and head for the main doors.
When I push them open, I’m surprised to come face to face with Alec, Taro and Leon.
They look . . . tense. Like something’s going down.
Fuck.
I pull out my earphones.
‘Nettie!’ says Alec, looking shocked. He starts saying something about coincidences as Leon swiftly shakes his head. Taro looks confused.
‘What’s going on?’ I say tentatively, but I think I already know.
‘I—’
‘I just caught Alec and Taro together,’ says Leon, his voice shaking. ‘Apparently they’ve been seeing each other this whole time.’ He wipes the start of angry tears away from his eyes.
I turn to Alec in disgust. ‘After you swore you wouldn’t see Taro? What the fuck, Alec?’
Taro pipes up. ‘I swear to God, Leon, I had no idea Alec was keeping this from you.’
‘Then why didn’t you tell anyone?’ I say accusingly. Taro’s spent over five months working with us. Would he not have thought to mention it?
‘It was only a casual thing!’ says Taro. ‘It just . . . never came up. I swear I wasn’t hiding it.’
It all makes sense now. That moment when Taro said he’d been discussing what to sing for the Duke’s Awards with Alec – he obviously assumed we knew they were seeing each other. Alec was very rarely in the same place as Taro because he was trying to hide it. But Taro had no idea.
‘I never meant to let it continue,’ says Alec. ‘Leon, I realized last week watching you sing that I’d been a terrible friend to you for years. I came here today to end it with Taro!’
‘What?’ says Taro.
‘I’m . . . sorry,’ says Alec. ‘I haven’t been thinking straight all year. I shouldn’t have slept with you in the first place, Taro. And I should never have let it carry on.’
‘Amazing,’ says Taro. ‘You’re a fucking twat, Alec – you know that?’ He picks up his bag and sets off towards Old Compton Street. Part of me feels sorry for him, but a bigger part feels vindicated on Leon’s behalf.
‘You’re a blatant liar,’ says Leon, letting rip now that Taro’s left. ‘You weren’t coming to end it. Since when have you ever worried about other people’s feelings?’
‘Leon, I’m sor—’ starts Alec, but Leon doesn’t let him finish.
‘You’re sorry you got caught,’ he says harshly. ‘This is so fucked up, Alec! You don’t do that to friends.’
‘You were finished with Taro! If you weren’t, I’d never have hooked up with him in the first place!’ says Alec, but unfortunately for him, the comment has unwittingly set off both mine and Leon’s bullshit radar.
‘I SAW YOU!’ yells Leon, oblivious to the people hurriedly crossing the road to avoid us on the narrow pavement. ‘I was in the library when you and Taro came in. The reason I sent Taro the message saying I just wanted to be friends was because I already knew you two were hooking up. I was there, Alec.’
‘You were . . . there?’
‘I was just getting in the right headspace to talk to Taro about us being exclusive, and there was my supposed best friend – shagging him!’
Alec scoffs. ‘We haven’t been best friends since you came back from the summer and decided you didn’t want to know me.’
Leon throws his arms up. ‘Yeah, and do you know why? More and more, our friendship has been less about being there for each other to get through some tough times, and more about you constantly competing with me. And this year you seem to think I only exist to feed your ego, to make you feel better about yourself. Why do you think I changed courses? To get away from you, Alec.’
‘Leon—’
‘No – I’m done with it. I’m done with you.’
‘You’re . . . done?’
‘Yep,’ says Leon, growing visibly less heavy by the second, like literal tons are being lifted off his shoulders. ‘Why stay in a friendship that makes me the worst version of myself?’ He puts his jacket on. ‘Ever since we started at Duke’s you’ve treated me like crap. Put me down continually with your little digs, made me run around after you, sought out every opportunity to get people to compare us. And this year it’s been ridiculous. I’m disappointed in myself for ever letting you treat me like that. And I’
ve realized that I’m disgusted with you.’
Alec looks shocked. ‘Leon, I was ending things with Taro! I do care! Come on, we can’t just forget everything we’ve been through. At sch—’
‘School was awful,’ says Leon. ‘What you went through was terrible, and I’m glad I was there to help you through it. But we’re not there any more. You need to work through your trauma. You can’t use it as an excuse to hurt people.’ He starts to walk off towards Oxford Street. ‘You know what, Alec?’ he adds, turning back to us. ‘If even once you’d asked me to talk, been honest with me, I’d have given you my blessing. But instead, you abused my trust. It’s over.’
Alec watches him go, his mouth slightly open, like he’s on the verge of calling after him. But he doesn’t. As soon as Leon’s turned the corner, Alec slumps against the wall, head in his hands.
‘I should go,’ I say. I don’t want to spend any more time with Alec than I have to. Not when I’m still shaking with anger.
Alec nods, his eyes still closed.
‘I’ll see you back at the flat,’ I say coldly.
He opens his eyes, and there’s a look of anguish in them I’ve never seen before.
‘Nettie, what am I going to do?’
I take a deep breath to steady my voice. ‘You’re going to make it right. You’re going to work hard to earn Leon’s trust back. And if you can’t do that, then you’re going to take responsibility for once in your life and accept that you lost a dear friendship because you fucked it up.’
Later that evening, I’m still thinking about Leon. I know Kiki’s with him, so he’s got support tonight, but I wish I could be there to hold his hand right now. He must have felt so hurt to find out about Alec and Taro like that. If Alec had just been upfront with him at the start, all of this could have been avoided.
It makes me think about my own relationship. Things haven’t exactly been great on the communication front with Fletch. If we’re going to make it through to the end of this internship, we need to talk. We’ve both made mistakes: Fletch in lying about the placement; and me keeping stuff about Mum secret from him and trusting Luca instead. And it’s not just Fletch who’s been jealous; I’ve totally been guilty of that, too. I’ve resented Better Spent every time it’s taken Fletch away from me, and if I’m honest with myself, I’ve probably made him feel guilty for it.
We can talk about it this weekend when he’s back; move forward together. I love him, and I’m not ready to give up on this.
CHAPTER 23
12:10
I can’t believe I get to see you tonight!
Fletch:
I know! I can’t wait.
Ticket’s in your name, just collect it at the box office, 7.30 p.m. start.
I think that’s the fourth time you’ve told me that
Just making sure you don’t miss it!
I’m nervous
You’re going to be great x
Leon, Kiki and I sign in at the Novello stage door early, the chosen venue for tonight’s Duke’s Awards finals. Alec went in earlier.
I’ve hardly seen him since Leon walked away from their friendship earlier in the week. They’re being civil with each other – Leon is determined not to make things awkward for Kiki and me (Kiki’s too angry with Alec to be bothered about feeling awkward, but I literally have to live with him) – but I think the thought of having to face Leon on such an important night was just too much for Alec.
‘Got any guests watching?’ asks the guy in the little booth.
We’re allowed two guests each. Leon doesn’t have anyone watching, Kiki’s got her mum and youngest brother, and I’ve got Fletch. I’m desperate to see him.
Kiki and I make our way up to the second-year girls dressing room, which is three floors up. We set up in a far corner of the room in front of the mirrors.
‘How are you feeling?’ I ask as I watch her unroll a small towel and place her make-up neatly on it.
She smiles nervously. ‘Jittery.’
‘You’re going to be amazing,’ I say to her reflection, resting my head on her shoulder.
‘Thank you,’ she says. Her phone buzzes. ‘Oh, sorry – it’s Michelle. I’ve got to take this. Hello?’ She leaves the room.
I get my phone out to text Fletch.
18:30
Still nervous. It’s getting worse. What if I can’t do it?
Fletch:
You’re going to be fine. Just breathe.
It feels huge, singing onstage in front of everyone.
You did it last year in the summer showcase, you can do it again.
But I had you with me last time.
I’ll be here this time. Just watching, not singing. I love you.
Kiki’s gone for ages. When the half’s called, I spend time going through my song in the top-floor toilet, away from everyone. For Sam to ask me to sing a song about a character who’s grieving her dead mother is so twisted it’s unreal. I go through it and through it and through it, hoping that the repetition will desensitize me from the painful lyrics. I know when I get on the stage, with the audience and the cameras and the pressure, it’s going to be emotional. I’m not sure I can do this.
As I’m heading back down to the dressing room after the fifteen’s called, I hear crying. I run along the corridor to the stairs to see Kiki sitting in a ball at the bottom of the first flight, sobbing. I run down to her.
‘Kiki! What is it?’
She looks up, her eyes swollen and her face wet. ‘It’s the collaboration,’ she says. ‘They’ve pulled out.’ She bursts into fresh sobs.
I get down on the floor with her and put my arms around her tightly. ‘But why? The collection launches next week.’
‘I don’t know,’ she says. ‘Michelle just said that they felt it wasn’t working and they had to pull it. She said it “just wasn’t up to scratch”. Like, why couldn’t they have said earlier if it wasn’t what they wanted? They seemed so pleased with me.’
All that work she’s put in. All the anticipation and excitement. Gone, just like that. ‘Oh God, Kiki. That’s awful. I’m so sorry. I—’
‘Kiki, my love! What’s wrong?’
Sam’s approaching us with Dave and a camera in tow. For fuck’s sake, it’s like she can smell the drama.
‘It’s not really the time, Sam—’ I start. ‘It’s OK, Nettie,’ says Kiki. She relays to Sam what she just told me. Sam seems as shocked as I am, and I notice that for once she’s not insisting that Dave films it.
‘This is fucking outrageous,’ says Sam. ‘I’m getting in touch with the company. They’ve no right to treat you like this.’ She gets her phone out to make the call.
‘No!’ says Kiki, straightening up. ‘Please don’t do that, Sam.’
‘But they can’t get away with this,’ says Sam. ‘I’m really angry – obviously for you, Kiki – but also because this has completely fucked up our storyline. We were going to do a big reveal of your clothing line next week, really make a thing of it. Let me call them.’
‘I appreciate it, Sam, but I think it’ll make it worse right now,’ Kiki says in a small voice.
Sam thinks for a moment. ‘Maybe you’re right. There’s a better way of dealing with it. Would you be prepared to tell us about it on camera?’
‘But . . . I’ve got to get ready,’ Kiki says, sniffing. ‘I’m a mess. And people will see I’ve been crying . . .’
‘Even better,’ says Sam. ‘Raw emotion. Let people see how this crappy company have treated you. I can get the show delayed, Kiki. It’s important people know the truth.’
I look at Kiki. She’s in a state. There’s no way she’ll agree to it.
‘OK,’ she says. ‘I’ll do it.’
Half an hour later, still reeling from her news, I sneak down to the wings to watch Kiki. She’s beautiful in her dance, despite the shock she’s just suffered; she whips and turns and suspends and releases with such grace and energy that I realize I’ve been holding my breath for the whole performan
ce. When she comes offstage, I hug her tightly; she clings to me like a lost child and breaks down again. My heart aches for her.
The other finalists are good, apart from Jade, who smashes around downstage like a wrecking ball with limbs; no precision or line or stage presence. Kiki’s the clear winner, no doubt about it. Hopefully she will – it’ll make up for what just happened a little.
Alec is stunning in the boys classical round. The gruelling regime he’s put himself through this year has paid off. There’s a first-year boy from White Lodge who’s also brilliant, but aside from that, no one comes close. I’d love to see Alec and Kiki do a pas de deux together one day. They’d probably kill each other in rehearsals, but I bet it would be breathtaking.
The boys singing round is next. Kiki and I hang around to watch. Luca accompanies a third-year boy on the piano with a song he wrote for him called ‘All About Us’. It’s about friendship – clearly his friendship with Fletch, which has been hugely affected by Fletch’s reaction to Triple Threat – I know Luca’s cut up about it. Watching him play, I feel so proud of my friend, so in awe of his talent, and so angry that he’s been dragged into all this drama. They were always going to come for me, but if I’d known what Sam was going to do to Luca, I’d have protected him more.
Shortly after, Leon comes on to sing his song. I knew he was nervous about tonight, but he walks on with a poise and confidence that I’ve never seen before. As he begins his song, I can see that something’s released in Leon, like he seems somehow freer, less inhibited. As much as the break-up of their friendship saddens me, I get how much Leon needed it, and with Alec’s competitiveness no longer there to drag him down, he’s flying.
He smiles shyly as the audience erupts with raucous applause. I sneak a look from behind the curtain to see the first five rows on their feet. It can’t be students; they’re not allowed. Squinting, I recognize India Lovejoy, the casting director, and a couple of musical directors among those standing. Actual industry people on their feet. I’m so delighted for Leon; he deserves it.
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