‘What?’ asks Luca.
I pause. ‘You.’ Maybe I drank more at the party than I thought.
‘About me?’ he says. He puts his head in his hands. ‘It’s Triple Threat, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘He’s been wrestling with his own . . . jealousy for a while, and I tried to be understanding because I know he feels isolated down there in Chichester. But since Triple Threat aired, he’s literally just stopped mentioning anything that involves you. Nothing about Chicago rehearsals or Mum. I think he believes it.’
‘He’s not phoned me for ages,’ says Luca. ‘Occasionally, he’ll reply on our flat’s group chat, but only if it’s something about bills or whatever. I thought I was imagining it at first. But then I started to worry that he hated me. What do we do about it, though?’
‘Nothing!’ I say. ‘You and I are friends, Luca. We shouldn’t feel we have to apologize for that. Fletch needs to grow the fuck up. If he wasn’t so bothered in the first place about our relationship, or if he’d actually bothered to speak to me about it, he’d have known that Triple Threat was all bollocks and that it was all made up. I’m angry with him for believing it. And I’m furious with Sam for making something out of nothing.’
Luca is beginning to look agitated. ‘Yeah,’ he says, into the steam of his tea.
I let out a breath. ‘Just talking to you about this, I already feel so much better . . .’
Luca fiddles with the handle of his mug. ‘Actually, I need to talk to you about something . . . Can I?’ he says. He looks worried, like I’m going to react badly to whatever it is. I suddenly feel nervous. What could be that awful?
‘Go ahead. Although I’m a hot mess right now, so I’m not sure I’ll be much help . . .’
He swallows. ‘Triple Threat. And us. I should’ve told you this, Nettie, and I want you to hear me out before you say anything . . .’
‘OK . . .’ I go cold and pull my cup of tea closer.
Luca clears his throat nervously, like he’s about to conduct a seminar. ‘I haven’t been honest with you. You said that Sam made something out of nothing. Well, she didn’t.’ He swallows, looking at me guiltily.
‘What do you mean?’ I say cautiously. A hundred reasons whir around my brain. Was Fletch right? Does Luca have a crush on me? This is the last thing I need after tonight’s drama. ‘Luca, I—’
‘Please, I need to finish this. So, right at the beginning of term – the first week, I think – I was talking to Anand in the common room. No cameras, just us. He said you and I would be spending a lot of time together this year. I asked him what he was on about, and he said they knew about Fletch’s placement, and that Sam had said that you and I would most likely be heavily involved in Triple Threat, and in the college musical. At the time I was hoping for assistant MD, remember? And then he asked if that would be awkward, with Fletch being my best mate and all that. And Nettie . . . I told him about us at the party last year. I told him I’d asked you out, and that I used to have feelings for you. Which I a hundred per cent don’t any more and haven’t for a year. I’m so sorry – if I’d known he would tell Sam, I’d have never—’
‘You think Anand told Sam?’
‘How else would she have known?’
Everything implodes. Anand? I thought I could trust him. He was helping me out, wasn’t he? Agreeing not to tell Sam about Mum; bringing me the Funny Face review . . . It makes sense – there are some things on the documentary that I’ve literally no idea how she could have known. He must have been feeding information back to Sam this whole time. How could I not have seen it? I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
‘Oh my God.’ I’m shocked to my core. I can’t believe he would do that. ‘Honestly, Luca, the way Sam was portraying us, I was beginning to wonder if you did have feelings for me. I even started questioning my own behaviour.’
‘I don’t blame you. There were times watching myself back that I thought, Did I really do that? Like at the ball, when it looked like I was sad about Fletch cutting in. But when I thought about it, Sam must have taken that from earlier, when we were waiting to dance – when I was watching the other dancers’ footwork and worrying that I wouldn’t pick it up!’
We both laugh for a moment at the weight that’s been lifted off our shoulders.
‘It’s awful that she even made us doubt ourselves,’ I say eventually. ‘Luca, your friendship means a lot to me. We need to not let this affect us.’
‘You’re right. Hey, come here, friend.’
He stands up and holds his arms out. I get up and go around the table to him. I feel my body physically relax as we hug each other. I’m still reeling from the shock about Anand, but knowing that Luca and I are on the same page and that we’ve got each other’s backs makes me feel like I can deal with it.
‘Well, this is awkward.’
Fletch is in the doorway, undoing the top button of his leathers with one hand and holding his bike helmet in the other, the wind blasting through the open door behind him.
‘Mate—’ says Luca, letting go of me. But he doesn’t do it in a hurry, like he’s guilty of something. He just lets go.
‘Don’t be all over my girlfriend and then call me “mate”, mate,’ says Fletch.
It’s so shocking that he would speak to Luca in that way that for a second I’m too winded to speak.
Eventually I find my voice. ‘Fletch—’
‘Is this why you’ve been so helpful, Luca?’ Fletch doesn’t even look at me. ‘So that you can hit on her while I’m away? “Don’t worry, Fletch. I’ll make sure she’s all right.” This your way of doing that?’
Jesus Christ. I know Fletch has struggled with seeing us together, but this is beyond anything. Is this what he really thought the whole time? That we were secretly together? Or that Luca was waiting to steal me?
That’s it. I’ve had enough.
‘Fletch, listen!’ I say angrily. ‘Luca has never come on to me! Not even once.’
‘Nettie, everyone knows he’s always had a thing for you,’ shoots back Fletch, still staring at Luca.
‘Fletch, one drunken snog during a game of spin the bottle doesn’t equal a lifetime crush,’ says Luca heatedly.
‘You asked her out!’ yells Fletch.
‘Yeah, and as soon as I knew you two liked each other, I backed off! Our relationship’s completely platonic, Fletch. The idea of getting off with my best friend’s girlfriend is actually disgusting to me. I’m really fucking disappointed that you think I’d do something like that.’
‘And what gives you the right to storm in here and start making accusations?’ I say, my voice raised. ‘Especially after your behaviour tonight.’
‘Do you know how many messages I’ve had since that fucking programme started?’ says Fletch. ‘Not just from people at college, but from total strangers, telling me that my girlfriend is definitely cheating on me, or that I’m a shit boyfriend and you should be with Luca!’
‘And you believed them?’ I say. ‘Have you listened to anything I’ve said about Sam?’
Fletch’s face reddens. ‘It’s not just that. It’s all the time you two have spent hanging out.’
Luca, who is still remarkably calm, looks at me. ‘We’re literally playing opposite each other – we have to spend time together. It’s not like I chose to be in Chicago!’
Fletch snorts. ‘Oh, so you were rehearsing at the Theatre Cafe?’
‘Oh my God, really?’ I say.
‘I was helping her find out about her mum,’ says Luca. ‘Which she tried involving you in, but from what I hear, you weren’t that interested! Nettie’s had a lot to deal with. Not just with her mum – Triple Threat, Alec and Leon, Kiki . . . If you hadn’t been so busy worrying about me and her, you’d know about all of that.’
‘Right, of course,’ says Fletch. ‘This is the bit where you tell me you know her much better than I do, that I don’t deserve her.’
‘No one’s saying that, Fletch. You’re my
best friend – I would never come between you and Nettie. Look – I’m going to leave you two to talk. This isn’t about me.’
And with that, Luca grabs his coat and keys and leaves before Fletch has a chance to stop him.
I throw my hands up. ‘Fucking hell, Fletch. He’s a friend. You don’t begrudge me the time I get with Alec, or Kiki.’
There’s a pause.
‘No,’ he says. ‘But—’
‘So, that’s it,’ I say, my throat hot and sore. ‘You don’t trust me.’
‘I know he’s got feelings for you!’
‘He DOESN’T. For the thousandth time, Fletch – we’re JUST FRIENDS!’
‘And all this stuff with your mum – why have I found out everything since Christmas from Alec? Why are you telling Luca things you’re not telling me?!’
‘It’s not like you’ve actually taken an interest in any aspect of my life for months. So don’t give me that bullshit. And I get it, you’re under pressure from all angles down there. It’s stressful. I’ve tried to be understanding, Fletch. But it’s been stressful here too, and you’ve put me last every single time. I’ve asked very little of you the whole time you’ve been down in Chichester – and the one time I was disappointed that you didn’t show and actually told you how I was feeling, you snapped at me and made me feel like a baby. That really hurt, Fletch. So excuse me if I didn’t want to share anything else with you. You’ve made it blatantly clear that you think I’m too emotionally fragile.’
He doesn’t speak; he just stares at me. But the wheels are turning too fast now and I can’t stop.
‘What are we even doing together? Luca and Leon and Kiki and even Alec have been there for me when you were away, and I was just fine. You, on the other hand . . .’ My hands slide up to the locket around my neck. ‘That’s all this ever was – a way of tagging me. Well, I don’t want it any more.’ Before I even realize what I’m doing, I’ve undone it and thrust it into his hand.
‘So, what are you saying, Nettie? That you’re finishing with me?’
‘I’m saying I’m really fucking angry with you. It didn’t have to be like this, Fletch.’
He just looks at me for a moment, almost as if he’s just realized something.
‘You’re right,’ he says.
Then he puts his helmet back on and walks out into the hall. It’s not until I hear the front door slam that I realize he’s actually gone.
CHAPTER 24
I don’t know whether I ended it with my boyfriend, or he ended it with me. Either way, we haven’t been in contact for four days, and I sure as hell won’t be the first one to message. My mood ranges from deep, burning anger to lacerating hurt and rejection, with a fog of nothing in between, like all my senses have been switched off. How could something so amazing have gone, just like that? Did it mean nothing to him?
I can’t sleep, either. But it’s not just thoughts of Fletch keeping me awake; it’s Mum. When I do manage to fall sleep, she’s in my dreams. Sometimes she’s the Mum I remember; other times she’s younger, smiling and laughing with a faceless dark-haired man. When I run to her, they both disappear, and I wake up sweating, my heart racing like I’ve just seen a ghost. I need her now more than ever. Where is she? Who was she?
In the early hours of Thursday morning, after a particularly vivid nightmare, there’s a soft knock at my door.
‘Nettie, are you OK?’
The door gently opens. Alec has turned on the hall light, but I can make out his silhouetted form against the brightness behind him. It’s the first time we’ve spoken since the Duke’s Awards.
‘Yeah, I – bad dream.’ I sit up in bed and wipe the sweat from above my lip.
‘You were shouting. I was worried.’
‘Oh. Well, I’m fine.’
Alec pauses in the doorway, like he’s not sure what to do. Then he edges into the room and leans against the wall next to the door. ‘Nettie, I’m truly sorry for what I did,’ he says. ‘I was just trying to protect you. God, I’ve fucked up royally this year.’
‘It’s not even the worst thing you’ve done this year,’ I say. ‘But I thought we’d been through this, Alec: I don’t need protecting. I need a friend who tells me the truth.’
‘I know,’ he says. ‘I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I ruined things between you and Fletch.’
‘You didn’t ruin things for us,’ I say. ‘We did that all by ourselves.’ My throat suddenly feels swollen again and I burst into tears. As I sob, the image of Mum and the faceless man flashes up on the inside of my eyelids. God, I’m a mess.
Alec gets on the bed and puts his arms around me. ‘It’s OK not to be OK with this, Nettie. You don’t have to hold it together all the time.’
‘How can I be like this at college when there’s a TV crew following me everywhere I go?’ I say. I accept the tissue he’s handed me from the bedside table and blow my nose loudly. ‘Sam’s, like, obsessed with me, or something. I can’t give her any more ammunition.’
‘Are things OK between you and Luca?’ asks Alec.
‘Actually, yeah. Ironically, we’d just had a talk about how we absolutely do not have feelings for each other, and then Fletch came in and saw us hugging and got completely the wrong end of the stick and . . .’
‘Wow,’ says Alec. ‘I bet Sam would be gutted to know she missed that one.’
I punch him in the ribs.
‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘Too soon.’
‘I’m having trouble holding it together at college all day and then at rehearsals,’ I say. ‘And now I keep dreaming about Mum as well. I can’t go on like this.’
‘The show must go on . . .’ says Alec, with not even a trace of his usual irony. Then he looks down at me. ‘Promise me this: when it’s just us, here in the flat, I want you to cry, shout, scream – maybe only scream when Mrs Jeffries downstairs is out – and live your hurt, however you need to express it. I’ll be here for you if you need me, or I’ll fuck off to my room if you want to be alone. I wouldn’t blame you. But let this be the one place you can be your authentic self.’
I feel a rush of gratitude. In Alec saying this, in giving me a space where I can just ‘be’, without having to pretend or bottle stuff up, and knowing that he’s got me, it’s reminded me why we’re friends. He’s done some shitty things this year, but he does care. I hug him tightly; he strokes my hair.
‘Thank you,’ I whisper.
We sit there in the dark room together, arms around each other, until our breathing is in synch. Then I sit up straighter, breaking the hug. ‘What are you going to do about your own life?’ I say. ‘There’s no point being so kind to me if you’re still going to be a fuck-awful friend to Leon. What you did to him is the sort of thing I’d expect from Jade Upton, not my oldest friend.’
‘I know, I know.’ He covers his face with his hands.
‘Why did I do it?’
‘Why did you do it?’
He drops his hands and looks at me seriously. ‘Nettie, I’ve thought of nothing else since it happened. Leon’s right – I have made everything into a competition, and I’ve been using Leon as a punchbag for my own insecurities. It’s complicated, our relationship – it’s all tied up in what happened at school, and . . . There’s – there’s been something bothering me all year. Something happened in September – and it’s made me do things I’d never normally do, act out of character . . .’
‘What happened in September?’
He draws a slow breath. ‘I saw someone at college – someone from my past.’
‘Who? And what were they doing at Duke’s?’
‘His name’s . . . Josh,’ says Alec, and I can tell it costs him to say it aloud. ‘He’s on the post-production team for Triple Threat – he was here for a meeting on the first day.’
‘Was he one of the boys who . . . ?’ I can’t finish the sentence. Alec was subjected to horrifying abuse and bullying at school, a trauma he’s always brushed under the carpet but one that I know affects him deepl
y.
‘No,’ says Alec. ‘But he was friends with them. Still is, from what I gather. Seeing him just . . . I don’t know . . . fucked me up. I kept thinking that he’d be watching me and reporting back to Piers and the others, that they’d all be laughing at me, and . . .’ He breaks off.
‘And you needed to show them that you’d left them all behind?’ I offer.
Now it’s Alec who’s crying. ‘Kind of – I can’t explain it, Nettie. I just went into overdrive. I thought if I could be the best, win everything, have everything, they’d see how successful I was and . . . I don’t even know what I thought they’d do . . . None of it makes sense now that I’m saying it . . . Like I could prove that I’m not just some loser from school, make them all sorry or something. But it made me angry, competitive. I hurt people I love. And all because I was reacting to . . .’
‘Trauma,’ I say gently, putting my arms around him. My heart aches for him.
Alec puts his head on my chest and sobs. ‘I know. I’m – I’m going to get help, see a therapist. Work through all the stuff I went through at school. And I’m . . . going to try and make things right with Leon, even if he doesn’t forgive me. I’m going to make up for what I did.’
At the end of a really shit week, this is a tiny flicker of light. Alec has needed to deal with this stuff for so long. I’m suddenly too choked up to speak, but I rest my head on top of his to let him know all the things I can’t say right now.
‘Wanna talk about it?’
I’m tired. After my talk with Alec last night I didn’t go back to sleep for ages. We’re onstage in the music hall teching the show, and I’ve been sitting in silence on Luca’s lap for seven minutes, waiting for the LX technician to plot the lights for ‘We Both Reached for the Gun’. My thoughts have, as usual, fallen into a Fletch spiral.
I blow out slowly. ‘Why hasn’t he texted me? I just don’t get it.’
‘Have you contacted him?’
‘No. But he’s the one in the wrong.’
The LX girl pipes up from the back. ‘Nettie, can you go into your next position, please?’
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