by A. L. Brooks
She groaned and strode around the apartment, her hands in her hair. Why did she keep torturing herself like this? There was no point, none at all. If she didn’t stop soon, she’d have no chance of moving on, of trying to look at other women without comparing them to Alex.
She switched off all the lights, cleaned her teeth, and climbed into bed. The cool cotton sheets were deliciously sensuous against her skin, and her nipples hardened in response. She moaned. Alex’s face was in front of her again, her mouth inviting a kiss. Justine ran her hands up her body to her breasts and moaned louder as she cupped herself, pulling at her nipples as she envisioned Alex doing exactly that to her. She closed her eyes tight.
She was hopeless.
Okay, just this once. One more fantasy, and tomorrow, she would move on.
She pinched her nipples once more, then, leaving one hand to alternate between each breast, she moved her other hand slowly down over her abdomen, imagining it was Alex’s mouth marking a trail down to the apex of her thighs. As she parted her trimmed curls with her middle finger and slipped into the abundant wetness waiting for her, she arched her hips off the bed. Imagining Alex positioning herself between her legs, she stroked slowly, gently, dipping just inside her entrance and back out again, over and over. Alex’s tongue would be this gentle, at first, tasting and exploring, teasing Justine until she gasped out her need. As she fantasised about Alex’s tongue thrusting inside her, she plunged one finger in, then rapidly added another. She pressed the heel of her hand firmly against her clit, squeezed a nipple with her other hand, and rocked on the fingers buried deep within. With images of Alex in her head, and Alex’s name whispering from her lips, it didn’t take long. She cried out as she came, her hips twisting wildly as she rode out every last moment of her orgasm.
She flopped back on the bed, her fingers still enclosed inside herself, her free hand drifting lazily up and down her torso, her mind allowing her a few last images and fantasies of Alex. She would smile from between Justine’s legs before slowly crawling back up Justine’s body to kiss her…
Justine smiled at the image, but the smile slid off her face as other thoughts and pictures invaded. Alex’s faceless partner, completely oblivious to Alex’s deception. Alex’s own pain at what she said her partner had done to her. Justine thought it probably was true, but given that Alex had cheated on her partner with Justine, who knew what was truth or fact and what were words merely said to smooth things over. At the end of the day, that was always going to be what held her back from pursuing this crazy dream of Alex and her together somehow. Alex had cheated on her partner with Justine. No matter how much Alex tried to explain that away, Justine didn’t think she’d ever be able to trust her.
Suddenly cold after the heat of her orgasm, she pulled the covers over herself and lay on her side, willing sleep to come soon and give her a respite from her emotions.
Chapter 15
The clock on the DVD player told Alex it was just after six thirty when she crumpled up the sheet of notepaper and added it to the pile in front of her. Five attempts at working out what to say, and none of them seemed remotely right.
Alex reached for her mug and grimaced as she swallowed tea that was now cold. She stood, grabbing the pile of discarded notes, and quietly walked along the hall to the kitchen. Terri was still dead to the world, and Alex was more than happy to let her sleep on. As she boiled the kettle, she slumped against the worktop. Perhaps trying to plan what to say wasn’t one of her best ideas.
The problem was she’d never actually broken up with anyone like this before, as a sort of preemptive strike. She’d finally dumped Jade in a furious phone call, when one particularly painful emotional ploy from Jade had pushed the very last of Alex’s buttons. Before that, her two previous long-term relationships with women had both been ended by the other party, not Alex.
This one was different in so many ways. Terri was someone she’d thought she’d be with, well, forever. Despite all the small things that had increased her unhappiness over the last year, culminating in Terri’s ultimate betrayal, the comfort and security their relationship had initially given her was tough to leave behind. Now, of course, her own shame over the events in Montreal made it a no-brainer. They were over, no doubt about it. But planning on sitting down and just calmly saying it was giving her indigestion. She had no idea how to do it—hence the notepaper and her stumbling efforts to find the right words.
She had to do it today. Yesterday had been so awkward; they couldn’t go on any longer. Surely Terri felt it too. It couldn’t really come as a surprise. The biggest issue Alex now faced was just how honest to be.
Did she tell Terri about Justine?
Hanging her head in her hands, she shivered with nauseous fear. She could only imagine Terri’s anger and hurt if she did. The accusations she’d throw Alex’s way. Words like hypocrite. Double standards.
Cheater.
She sucked in a breath. Terri had told her about Liz. In good conscience she couldn’t avoid telling Terri about Justine. She’d just have to start the conversation and somehow find the words.
And she’d just have to face the consequences when she did. She knew she would hurt Terri, but she hoped they’d be able to rescue something out of the ruins of their relationship, and she couldn’t do that unless she was completely honest with Terri.
By the time Terri surfaced at ten, Alex felt physically sick. She’d taken to pacing the living room, words flitting around her mind and forming themselves into ridiculously jumbled sentences.
She stopped in the middle of the room, her shins bumping the coffee table, when Terri appeared in the doorway looking rumpled and sleepy.
“What are you doing?” Terri’s face shrank into a frown. “You woke me up.”
Alex swallowed hard. “We need to talk,” she blurted.
Terri waved a hand dismissively. “Not until I’ve had coffee.” She marched out of the room before Alex could speak again.
Jesus, this was hard enough without that kind of attitude from Terri. Anger formed, low and hot in Alex’s belly. She stomped out of the living room and down the hallway to the kitchen.
“No,” she said as she entered the room, then stopped in her tracks as Terri hurriedly set her mobile phone down on the counter. What was that about?
“No what?” Terri said, her tone as tight as her frowning face.
Alex pulled her gaze away from Terri’s phone. “No, it can’t wait. We need to talk. Now.” Alex shifted from one foot to the other. “You know we do,” she said, her tone softening.
Terri stirred her coffee. “I take it you’ve done some thinking while you’ve been away. I think I can guess what your conclusion is.”
“We can’t go on like this, Terri.”
There, it was out there. A start, at least.
“And whose fault is that?” The harsh words, and Terri’s icy tone, did nothing to quell the anger roiling inside Alex. Quite the opposite, in fact.
“Seriously? You want to blame me for this?” Being so blunt, so confrontational wasn’t like Alex. But then, a lot of things she’d done lately weren’t like her.
Terri folded her arms across her chest. “I’ve apologised until I’m blue in the face. I’ve done everything I can to get us back on track. None of it has been good enough for you. You refuse to give us a chance.”
Alex shook her head slowly. How could this be happening? How could they have such vastly different views on the situation? Well, at least she had her answer—they were definitely over if this was how far apart they were.
Pointing a trembling finger at Terri, Alex said, “Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare try and make this all my fault.” The heat of her anger flushed her chest, her neck. “A lot of women—” she thought of Justine, then immediately swept the thought away “—would have left you on the spot. A lot of women
would never have given you a second chance. I did. I gave you that chance. And what did you do? Keep cancelling sessions with Gloria. Keep working all hours and getting home at crazy times. Keep accusing me of not moving on quicker from the pain of you shagging that…that woman.” She was shaking all over now, and reached out to steady herself against the door frame. “Don’t you fucking dare pin this on me.”
Terri glared at her, her eyes narrowed and her body rigid. “Oh, right, Miss Holier-than-thou. Because you’re completely blameless in this, aren’t you? Alex never does anything wrong. Alex is Little Miss fucking Perfect.”
“What the hell?” Alex took a step forwards, throwing her hands in the air. “I’ve never claimed to be any of those things.”
Terri snorted. “Not out loud, maybe. But it’s in everything you do and say, and you expected me to be the same. You treated me like some knight in shining armour, rescuing you from that bitch, Jade. Have you any idea how fucking hard it was to live up to that all the time? How I always felt like I had to be so perfect, constantly, so that I never let you down?”
Alex stared at her, at Terri’s livid expression, at Terri’s mouth curled up in an ugly snarl. “I…I never expected that from you. And you never told me any of that.” Alex’s voice broke. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Terri uncrossed her arms and took a few steps away from Alex, leaning against the fridge and huffing out an extended breath. “Because you were never here. You were working so bloody hard on trying to get that directorship.” She looked away for a few moments. When she looked back, her mouth was set in a grim line. “I guess I gave up. It was easier.” She shrugged. “So, yeah, I shagged Liz. She wanted me. You didn’t.”
It wasn’t the words themselves that felt like a punch to the gut, but the way they were delivered, as if Terri really didn’t care how much they would hurt. Alex never thought she’d experience this callousness from the woman she’d spent five years of her life with.
The tears that pricked at her eyes annoyed her, and she swiped them away. Of all the ways she’d thought this conversation would go, she hadn’t planned for this scenario at all. There was no way she was going to mention what happened in Montreal now; it would only seem as if she were trying to get some revenge, and she refused to stoop that low. No matter how much more hurt Terri had piled on her during the last ten minutes. She was staggered by how quickly, relatively, everything had unravelled between them. Four months ago they were still a couple in every sense of the word—struggling a little, yes, but not beyond redemption, she’d thought.
Now, here in their kitchen, they were strangers who simply happened to be breathing the same air.
Gathering every last bit of strength she could muster, she inhaled deeply and straightened her spine. Enough.
“I don’t think there’s anything more we have to say to each other. I’m going to shower, then I’m going to pack.” It was such an easy decision to make, requiring very little thought. Moving out was the only option; there was absolutely no way she wanted to stay under the same roof as Terri now the bitter truth was out.
“Pack?” Terri’s confused look was almost amusing.
“I’m leaving,” Alex pronounced, proud of how strong her voice sounded. “I’ll take enough now to move in with Danielle and arrange something with you later to get the rest.” She locked her gaze on Terri. “And you need to think about what you want to do with the flat. I don’t want it.” Her laugh was hollow. “I never really did, actually. So you either buy me out of my share, or we sell up.”
“But…but I can’t afford to buy you out. And I love this flat!”
“Tough,” Alex said.
“She said what?” Danielle sounded outraged, but Alex was too weary to take that on.
“I know, but can we maybe talk through that later? Right now I just need to get sorted out. I think it will take me about an hour to figure out what I need for the next couple of weeks at least.”
“We will be there as soon as we can. Is she still there?”
Alex snorted. “Nope. Ran out of here the minute I’d finished in the shower. She looked genuinely shocked at my decision to leave. Barely said two words to me as she went out the door.”
“Well, at least that makes it easier. Unless she comes back…”
“I don’t think she will.” She sighed. “I think she knows it’s best if she stays out of the way while I do this.”
“Alex, I hate to ask this, but… Do you trust her not to do anything stupid with what you leave behind? I mean, are you sure you wouldn’t want to take all of it now? I am sure we could obtain a van at short notice.”
“No, it’s okay. I think it’ll be fine. And I still need to have that discussion with her anyway, about who gets what. As bad as this morning was, I don’t think she’s anything except hurt and angry, not crazy.”
“Hurt!” Danielle snorted. “How dare—”
“I know,” Alex said; she needed to focus on packing, not dissecting.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’m feeling the same way, but I just need my energy for other things right now, okay? We can thrash it all out later over a large glass of wine, yes?”
Danielle exhaled. “Of course. Although more than one, I suspect.”
Alex smiled. “Thank you.”
After hanging up, she sat for a moment on the bed. Danielle and Beth were coming through for her again; she really couldn’t ask for better friends. This was one of the hardest days she’d ever had to deal with, yet love still infused it. She lay back on top of the duvet, taking a few minutes just to breathe. Then she slapped her hands on her thighs.
“Come on,” she muttered. “Just get this done.”
Within an hour she had one suitcase packed and a pile of clothes waiting on the bed to go into a second case. She folded methodically, her brain thankfully restful in the mundanity of tucking in sleeves and doing up buttons. With the lid pressed down tightly on the second case, her work in the bedroom was done. She moved both cases out to the hallway, then returned to the bedroom to pull a small backpack from the bottom of the wardrobe before heading to the bathroom.
Danielle and Beth arrived a few minutes after she’d packed up her makeup and toiletries, and her friends embraced her warmly as she let them into the flat.
“How are you?” Danielle asked, her hands on Alex’s shoulders, fingers squeezing.
Alex shrugged beneath the warmth of Danielle’s hands. “I’m okay. A bit numb, really.”
“Much more to do?” Danielle looked around the hallway at the small collection of goods Alex had accumulated.
“Just want to grab a few pieces from the living room, and then I’m done. Want a drink?”
Beth shook her head after a quick glance at her wife. “No, I think we’re good. I think we just want to get you out of here, actually.”
Alex smiled wanly. “Yeah, okay. Probably best.” She took a deep breath. “Give me a few minutes.”
She walked into the living room. The large bookcase held photos and mementoes that spanned the five years she and Terri had been together. Her eyes misted over as she slowly scanned each shelf. How much of this did she really want? Would looking at stuff like this hurt? Or one day would she look back and regret not taking at least some of it?
Her gaze fell on a larger photo on the middle shelf. She and Terri on Lesbos, four years ago. The photo had been taken by a woman they’d met one day in a café. Alex and Terri had been lounging on one of the outdoor sofas, snuggled up into each other, eyes only for each other and not for the beautiful scenery that surrounded them. The woman had snapped the photo without either of them noticing, and it captured that first year together perfectly—the closeness Alex remembered, the joy she had felt at being cherished by someone as loving as Terri. She sighed. Had that all been an illusion?
; Bile rose in her throat. Suddenly she couldn’t bear to look at any of it. She turned away; she’d make her decisions on all of that later. Much later.
“Okay,” she said, returning to the hallway, where Danielle and Beth were talking quietly. “I’m done. Let’s get out of here.”
As well as the two cases and the backpack, she had a box of books and files, her gym bag, and a large plastic bag she’d crammed full with all her shoes and boots. Between the three of them, they ferried it all downstairs to Beth’s car in one trip.
As Alex closed the front door behind her, her stomach plummeted. The reality hit her like a body blow—she’d just left her partner, her relationship, of five years. That she had no real choice in the matter was irrelevant; it was still excruciating.
“Okay?” Danielle asked when Alex turned away from the door to follow them down the stairs.
“No,” she said, swallowing. “But I guess one day I will be.”
Chapter 16
The morning’s meetings had dragged on. Christmas was only a week away, and Justine couldn’t wait for the holiday ease down to start in earnest. Her team was lethargic and disinterested, and she couldn’t blame them. For her, these past few weeks had been interminable. She needed a break and smiled as she thought ahead to her plans to spend Christmas with Christina and Sylvie. For once she wouldn’t be going home to her parents’ place; they’d treated themselves to a ski holiday. Her brother was staying home with his wife and children, and although he’d invited Justine over for Christmas Day, she’d politely declined. Being with her friends, who would understand why she might be a little quiet, would be better than trying to put on a big front with her brother.