“I think it’s nice,” Heather said. “Let’s go inside.”
Amber sighed heavily as she parked. “We’re too close to a busy street. Plus, all the businesses in town are only a couple of blocks away.”
“You said it would be fun to be close to everything.”
“Not this close.”
They went to the manager’s office. A woman there showed them a map of the property and pointed out where they would find the vacancy.
“It’s a lovely corner unit, so extra windows.”
She explained about the amenities including communal barbecues, a gym and a community room.
“Extras we have to pay for that we don’t really need,” Amber grumbled as they walked through the property.
The manager showed them the apartment. The front door opened into a surprisingly large living room. There was an eating nook and a decent-size kitchen. The walls were freshly painted a pale cream and the carpet was a light beige. There was a little half bath by the kitchen, and a stacked washer and dryer.
Each of the bedrooms had an en-suite bathroom, along with a big window. Heather’s room was about the size she had now and the bathroom was much newer. Amber’s room was smaller than her current bedroom, a fact she pointed out right away.
“This is tiny,” she complained. “There’s barely any closet space.”
The manager smiled tightly. “Why don’t I wait outside while you two talk about the unit?”
She quickly walked away, leaving Heather and Amber in the bedroom.
“Mom, this is a really nice apartment.”
“How can you say that? There’s no room. I can barely breathe in here. It’s dark and old and awful.”
“There are huge windows in every room. The paint is fresh and all the appliances are twenty years newer than the ones we have now. The rent is reasonable and we can walk to the stores and restaurants. It’s great.”
“I won’t live here.”
Heather’s heart sank. “We’re not going to do better than this.”
“We’ll see,” she said as she walked out.
Heather followed more slowly. Was the apartment perfect? No, but it was nice and they could afford it. Or rather she could and wasn’t that what mattered?
When she got outside, her mother had disappeared. Heather thanked the manager and said they would be in touch.
“I’m sorry your mother wasn’t happy with the unit,” the woman said. “We have a lot of interest in the place. It’s going to rent in the next day or so. If you want to leave a deposit, I can hold it. Otherwise, it’s going to be gone.”
Heather wished she could simply sign the lease herself and be done with it, only she wasn’t going to take on all that responsibility by herself.
“I understand. I hope I can get back to you soon.”
The next apartment was on the southeast corner of the island, out by the protected Puget Sound crane preserve. It was newer than the previous complex, with a beautiful lobby.
The manager told them about all the amenities, including a hundred feet of private beach.
“Oh, that sounds nice,” Amber said happily. “And there’s a gym. We could both start working out.”
Heather wanted to point out there’d been a gym at the last building, but why go there? She took the information sheet and nearly passed out when she saw the rent on a two-bedroom apartment. It was almost double the previous place.
“Mom, we can’t afford this,” she whispered.
Amber waved away her concerns. “If we like it, we can figure something out. Let’s go see the unit.”
This two-bedroom apartment was on the third floor. An elevator whisked them to their destination. The apartment itself was big and bright, with vaulted ceilings and a fireplace. French doors led out onto a balcony with views of the Sound and the mainland beyond.
Nearly as impressive was the upgraded kitchen with stainless appliances and quartz countertops. There was lots of storage and a small laundry room beyond the kitchen.
Down the short hall were two bedrooms. The smaller of the two still had a walk-in closet and attached bath. The master was large, with a second balcony and a beautiful, modern bathroom.
“I love it,” Amber breathed. “I love all of it.”
The manager smiled at them. “Excellent. Shall we go fill out the paperwork?”
“Yes, let’s.”
Heather grabbed her mother’s arm. “Wait.” She turned to the manager. “We need to talk first.”
“All right. I’ll be right outside.”
Amber stepped back and glared at Heather. “What’s wrong with you? Why do we have to talk? I like this apartment. If we have to move, I want to move here.”
“We can’t afford this, Mom. It’s nearly twice as much as the previous apartment. The rent costs about what I make in a month.”
“So?”
“I can’t afford it. Even if you were willing to put in half the rent money, we’d barely have enough for food and utilities. There wouldn’t be any extra for savings or insurance. It’s too expensive. We have to be realistic.”
“You are awful! Admit it. You’ll only be happy when I’m living in a tent on the side of the road. You’re in this with your grandmother, aren’t you? She’s probably giving you money from the house and you’re just keeping it for yourself.”
Heather took a step back, stung by the accusation. “Mom, no! How can you even think that? It’s so mean.” She started for the door and then turned back. “I can’t afford this. I can’t. There’s not enough money. I won’t sign the lease. If you want it, then get it yourself, but I won’t do it.”
She escaped to the hallway, passed the manager and took the stairs to the main floor. Once she was there, she realized she was too far from town to walk, which meant once again, she was stuck.
Chapter Twenty-One
“Should, too!”
“You’re an asshole, JJ. Just admit it.”
The loud voices were troubling enough, but the language was what had Kristine taking the stairs two at a time. She stepped onto the second-story landing and saw JJ and Tommy facing each other. If they had been cats, their hackles would have been raised.
“Want to talk about it?” she asked, careful to keep her tone soft and conversational. The last thing either of them needed was her adding energy to an already tense moment.
Tommy glared at his brother. “Tell her, JJ. Tell her what you really think.”
JJ muttered something under his breath before glaring at Kristine. “This is all your fault, Mom. You’re the reason Dad left. Why do you have to open your store? Why can’t you just be our mom? If you did what Dad said, he’d come home and we could be a family again.”
His words were like a fist to her gut. She wanted to slap him and burst into tears. Neither was especially helpful in the moment. JJ was telling her what he really thought—punishing him for that was wrong. If she didn’t agree with his assessment of her position, then she had to accept he might have learned that point of view from her—at least in part.
She told herself to stay in her head and not in her emotions. This could be a teachable moment for all of them, if she was able to keep control of herself and guide the conversation. A big ask considering how much she wanted to scream that JJ and his father were pigs and they were wrong.
She crossed to the bench on the landing and sat down. Both boys glanced from each other to her. Tommy sank to the floor, but JJ glanced longingly toward his room. Still, escape was not an option.
After what felt like a full minute, he sighed heavily and sank down onto the carpet. His expression was sullen, but at least he hadn’t bolted.
“I’m sorry your dad is gone,” she said, her voice conversational rather than confrontational. “I know it’s hard on you boys. He’s a great dad and you like having him around.”
“Then tell him to come back,” JJ told her. “Tell him you’re sorry and you don’t want to open the store.”
She nodded slowly. “Okay. So my life doesn’t matter?”
JJ rolled his eyes. “You’re a mom. Taking care of us is what you’re supposed to do.”
“So I sacrifice my life for yours?”
“No. But it’s your job. Dad brings in the money and you take care of us. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“And if I’m not happy?” she asked gently. “If I want more? If I’m sad and wish things could be different?”
“You can do it when we go to college.”
“That’s eight years for Grant.” She paused, trying to figure out what to say. “Eight years is a long time. The bakery is for rent now. It probably won’t be then. Eight years. You’re fourteen. You want a car when you’re sixteen, right? What if I asked you to wait eight years, until you’re twenty-four, because it would be better for me?”
JJ’s head snapped up. “Mom, that’s not fair.”
“Why? It’s only eight years. It’s not like you need a car. You could ask me to drive you, or your friends. It’s not like food or air. A car is just something you want. Doesn’t that make it selfish?”
His eyes widened. “You’re being mean to even say that.”
“Am I? Because I’m only thinking about what I want instead of what’s best for you? Because I’m saying what I want is the most important thing? Because I’m not trying to see your side?”
He flushed. “You’re saying that’s what I’m doing.”
And your father, she thought, but didn’t say that.
Tommy looked between her and JJ but kept his mouth firmly closed.
“I’ve always supported you and your brothers. I’ve always helped you with school and planned fun summer activities and been there for you in any way I could. But it’s not a one-way street, JJ. You’re fourteen. It’s time for you to figure out that you’re not the center of the universe. That other people have feelings and hopes and dreams, and being part of a family means everyone gets a vote. Everyone gets to have dreams. Not just you.”
He ducked his head. “Dad said...” He looked at her, tears swimming in his eyes. “Mom, is Dad wrong?” He sounded appalled at the prospect.
“I think he is. I think he’s forgotten we’re a team and that I get to have more than the four walls of this house. I think he doesn’t realize how independent his sons have become and that my being gone during the day won’t hurt anything.”
It was the most neutral she could be, under the circumstances. There was the mature issue of not taking sides, which she was willing to do, but going further than that wasn’t going to happen.
“Do you really want to open the bakery?” JJ asked.
Tommy threw himself back on the floor. “Of course she does. What do you think she’s been talking about for the last two years? She stays up all night baking. You fall asleep at ten, no matter what. Try staying up all night doing schoolwork and see how you feel.”
Kristine prepared to get between them but JJ shocked her by throwing himself at her and wrapping his arms around her waist. He buried his face in her lap.
“I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m sorry.”
She stroked his hair. “Thank you for understanding,” she said. “I love you and your dad. I’m so proud of my family. I’ll always be here for you, but I need something else, as well. I need the chance to follow my dreams, too.”
He raised his head and wiped away his tears. “Okay. Then I want to help. I can work in the store or help with the baking after school or something.”
She smiled. “Thank you. Let’s talk when I actually have a place.”
He got up and sniffed. He looked both relieved and shell-shocked. She wondered if this was the moment Jaxsen stopped being perfect in his son’s eyes. JJ had always been the one closest to his father. While she didn’t want to get between that, a little realism wouldn’t hurt things.
JJ went off to his room. She looked at Tommy.
“You okay?”
He grinned. “Mom, I’m the middle kid. I’m perfect.”
She laughed and stood, then pulled him to his feet and hugged him.
She went to check on Grant. Her youngest was in the basement, building a large castle with his LEGO pieces. He smiled as she walked over.
“How’s it going?”
“We’re expanding,” he said, pointing to the smaller outbuildings. “The castle needs a town. There’s going to be a bakery.”
“Is there?”
“Uh-huh. The queen said so.”
She bent over and kissed the top of his head. “It’s good to be the queen.”
He laughed and returned to his LEGO pieces.
She walked over to her desk and took a seat. She wasn’t sure if Jaxsen had been trying to influence JJ or if he’d picked up the “a woman’s place” crap on his own. Either way, she was going to have to make more of an effort to set a better example. Words were one thing, but actions were a whole lot more powerful when it came to teaching a kid a lesson.
She stared at the thick folder full of bids and business plans and notes on used equipment. Jaxsen showed no sign of softening his position on the bakery. She didn’t want to have to choose between him and her dreams, but it felt like that was what he wanted. If someone were to ask her the state of her marriage, she honestly wouldn’t have any idea about what to say.
She thought about the fifteen thousand dollars Ruth had given her. A passive-aggressive action in her own marriage, and a generous sign of support for Kristine. Is that what she wanted for herself? To go behind Jaxsen’s back for the rest of her marriage?
Or maybe that wasn’t the real question. Maybe what she should be asking herself was more directly about herself. Where did she want to be in ten years? Or, to use JJ’s number, eight? Did she want to be counting the days until Grant left for college or trade school? Did she want to be hoping some building came up for lease and hope she could start her business then? She would be forty-two. Not old, but not the age she was now.
She’d been married to Jaxsen for sixteen years. In all that time she could honestly say she’d never once put herself first. She’d lived her life for her family, and while she would never change that, she knew she was at a crossroads.
“It’s not even a very big dream,” she whispered. It was just hers.
She missed Jaxsen and she wanted him home. But not if it meant having to give up the bakery. It would send a terrible message to the boys and a worse one to Jaxsen. But even more significant—if she did that, what would she be telling herself about her value in the world? About the worth of her hopes and plans and, yes, her dreams?
She pulled her phone out of her pocket and quickly texted the real estate agent.
I’m ready to sign the lease. Please have it drawn up so I can have it reviewed and we can get going on things.
She hit Send before she could question herself, then sent another text to Jerry, her contractor. When that was done, she went upstairs to the kitchen and started going through the freezer. Once she got the bakery, she was going to be crazy busy. Better to get a bunch of meals cooked and frozen for easy dinners while she had the time.
As for Jaxsen—she didn’t know what was going to happen there, but she was done waiting for him to give her permission. This was her life and, for once, she was taking charge of it and moving in the direction she wanted to go. There might be consequences and later, she might have regrets. But whatever they were, she knew they wouldn’t be as painful as knowing she’d had the chance but she’d been too afraid to take it.
* * *
Sales were up. Sophie ran the numbers again, comparing them to this month last year. Yup, Elliot’s report was correct. Sales were up over 20 percent, which was huge. She wasn’t
thrilled that he’d been right about the digital advertising and she’d been wrong, but she was willing to live with the discomfort.
It wasn’t all about the money, she thought, quickly creating a graph so she could see the lovely upward direction of the sales trend. When it was in place, she played with different colors for the two months, finding the most pleasing combination.
“Not just money,” she said aloud. “It’s about winning. Ha!”
She laughed as she gave herself another second to enjoy the thrill, then she deleted the graph and sent Elliot a quick email congratulating him on the sales and being right. He was a good find. She should probably thank Dugan for mentioning Elliot.
Not that she wanted to be thinking about Dugan. While she appreciated his insights, she’d really liked things better when he was just some yoga guy who had a great house and a questionable background. Okay, she hadn’t liked him better, but she’d known how to deal with him. She’d been in charge and she got to say what happened between them. Not exactly her finest hour, but it was the truth.
Now everything was confusing. He wasn’t someone she could push around and she liked him. Worse, she might possibly even trust him, which would only lead to disaster. She preferred to keep the circle of people she trusted very small so there was less chance she would end up with a broken heart.
Work, she told herself. She would think about Dugan later. She plowed through the rest of her emails. Not her favorite way to spend an afternoon, but the alternative was helping Bear with a big delivery and he was so touchy about her butting in.
She’d nearly finished when Amber walked into her office.
“Hi,” Sophie said. “Did we have an appointment?”
“No.” Amber sat across from her. “I need a raise. A big one.”
The woman had balls the size of coconuts, Sophie thought. She leaned back in her chair. “No.”
Amber’s eyebrows rose. “You haven’t asked me why I want one.”
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