by Amanda Tru
Jimmy bent down and kissed her cheek, whispering how very much he loved her and was proud to be her daddy.
Geneva felt a gentle pressure from Allie’s hand as if she attempted to squeeze it. Then her eyelids fluttered shut once more. Geneva held the little hand in hers tightly as Allie’s breathing spaced out farther over the next few minutes.
Kara lovingly stroked Allie’s smooth cheek. His voice tight with tears, Jimmy softly began singing “Silent Night.” After the first verse, Geneva quietly joined the words in singing Allie to sleep one last time.
Then, finally, just as Geneva had said, Allie took her last breath on earth.
And her first breath in heaven.
Allie’s chest stilled, no longer possessing the energy to rise. Geneva looked at their hands clasped tightly on the blanket. She pictured how, at the very moment, the hand holding Allie’s was not hers but belonged to God Himself.
Geneva lifted Allie’s limp hand to her lips and kissed it. Then she released it, stood, and bent to place a gentle kiss on her forehead.
“Goodbye, Allie. Enjoy the snowflakes.”
Geneva drew her coat more tightly around her and watched the snow falling on the other side of the large, darkened windows of her parents’ deserted sunroom. The sun had set on the first day without Allie, and Geneva couldn’t quite forgive it. It seemed like the world should pause and acknowledge that a light had gone out and that the world would never be the same. Yet time marched on at the same speed. Allie had passed this morning, yet the sun had still risen, Christmas around the world had still been celebrated, and now the sun set as if nothing were different.
Maybe it was Geneva herself who was different—different for knowing and loving Allie.
Geneva had spent the day stoically comforting and helping her friend with the arrangements for her daughter. Since it was Christmas, however, many of the arrangements needed to wait.
Geneva’s mom got the traditional Hutchins’ dinner together in the mid-afternoon, and Geneva brought Kara and Jimmy to eat and also invited Carter. While most of Geneva’s family were in attendance with their significant others, Sydney didn’t make it home, which made Geneva feel guilty. Geneva had spoken to her sister a few times, the first of which was to tell her they were getting a ride with Jimmy, and the last was to tell her Allie had passed. In each of the calls, it was apparent that Sydney was extremely busy. Geneva figured Sydney was occupied with saving the world, and yet she’d taken time she didn’t have to help Geneva and make sure she made it to Allie in time. Though she didn’t yet have a chance to tell her sister how much she appreciated her, she fully intended to the first chance she got.
Even minus Sydney, the rest Hutchins’ family welcomed the grieving guests with open, comforting arms, and yet they didn’t allow everyone to wallow in grief, which Geneva appreciated. She’d even caught little smiles from Kara and Jimmy as they watched some of her crazy family’s antics.
However, they were both exhausted and didn’t stay long after they ate. Kara went back to her house, and Carter took Jimmy back to his own place in Brighton Falls to let the man sleep. Their current plan included Jimmy staying with Carter for a few days until they held a memorial service for Allie, and the roads got unburied from the massive snowstorm that still held much of the country hostage. Then Jimmy planned to return to New Mexico.
Geneva had tried valiantly to participate in her family’s Christmas celebration, but grief and lack of sleep finally caught up with her. The laughter grew too much, and she escaped to the one place in the house where she could guarantee not being followed. This time of year, no one ventured into the sunroom. The greenhouse-like setting was paradise in the summer, but the lack of insulation and large windows made it far too cold for occupation during the winter.
She still felt so numb. She had moments of intense grief where she felt like she simply couldn’t go on, but in between those was this awful numbness. She almost hated not feeling worse than the intensity of feeling. She watched the snow, longing to release her burden of grief, and yet still she sat dry-eyed. Other than a few tears shed as she held Kara this morning, she’d so focused on helping her friend through the devastating grief that she hadn’t allowed herself to feel her own. Now she had the opportunity, and her body just sat and stared, not cooperating and acting like it was any other ordinary day.
She shifted in her chair, and the little volume she’d held in her lap fell to the floor. She reached down and picked it up, thinking about the first time Cossette’s journal had fallen. How would things have been different if a complete stranger’s journal hadn’t landed in her backpack? What if she and Carter had made that flight from New Mexico instead of her wasting time in trying to return it to the rightful owner? Would Jimmy had made it to Allie in time if Carter and Geneva hadn’t encountered him at the diner and driven the exhausted man the rest of the way to Crossroads? Would she have come to the end of herself and found her strength and dependence on the One who holds it all in His hand? So very many “ifs,” yet she knew for sure that God had arranged all of them in a miraculous way to meet their needs at exactly the right time and answer Allie’s prayer in a beautiful farewell.
Geneva fingered the cover of the journal, thinking how she’d package it up tomorrow and send it to Cossette. She thought about including a note that explained just what a difference the little book had made in her life, but she felt the words could never convey the full emotion and truth of the experience. God had planned every part of their journey, even using her inadequacies and mistakes to fulfill an even greater “good” than Geneva could have imagined.
Though she now recognized God’s hand and providence even in the details of her life, that didn’t ease the pain in the fact that her life would now not include Allie. As a fresh wave of grief washed over her, even the sunroom felt suffocating.
Longing to escape, Geneva stood, set the journal down on a small end table, opened the sunroom door, and stepped outside into the falling snow. Everything glowed with the fading light of day, and the peace of the muted world seeped to the deepest part of her grief.
She took several steps, but then stopped and simply lifted her bare face to the sky, letting hundreds of snowflakes caress her with their cold kisses. She breathed deeply, feeling so very close to Allie and heaven. Not a single one of these snowflakes fell without God’s direction, and for today, the mission of each was to give Allie the Christmas snow she prayed for. Now Geneva let those intricate blessings fall on her face as her soul met the missives from heaven in thankfulness.
Suddenly, the tingles on her cheeks stopped. Geneva’s eyes blinked open to find a red umbrella shielding her from above. She didn’t even turn. She already knew who stood behind her. Instead, she leaned back slightly and felt Carter’s chest at her back, and his arm come around her.
“I couldn’t find you,” he spoke in her ear softly.
“I didn’t know anyone would be looking,” Geneva replied. “With the weather, I didn’t think you’d make the drive back to Crossroads after getting Jimmy to your place in Brighton Falls.”
“You invited me to come back,” he pointed out. “Today was the first time you ever invited me to do anything with your family, I wasn’t about to turn it down.”
Geneva turned around in his arms and looked at him thoughtfully. “Carter, I didn’t expect you to drive on dangerous roads just to get back here for leftovers.”
“The roads aren’t too bad,” Carter assured. “The snowplows are keeping up with the main thoroughfares. Besides, my real reasons for coming have nothing to do with leftovers. I wanted to spend time with you and make sure you are okay.”
“Are you saying you haven’t had your fill of me the past two weeks?”
Carter’s serious expression didn’t change her rather flippant question. “No, Geneva, I haven’t had enough of you. I don’t think I will ever have enough of you. You amaze me. The way you handled Allie’s goodbye today was so loving and exceptional. I’ve never been blesse
d to see anything like it before.”
“It wasn’t me. I couldn’t do it.” Unable to meet his admiring gaze, Geneva focused on the top button of his coat. “I didn’t have the strength or the words. It was all God. I don’t think I could repeat what I said. Please don’t think it was me. It wasn’t.”
“Oh, Geneva, the fact that you recognize and admit that only raises my opinion of you.” He reached up with his free hand and gently brushed the moisture from her face. “In a moment when you weren’t enough, you turned to God and allowed Him to use you. I can’t think of anything more admirable.”
“You may think me admirable, but I’m not,” Geneva insisted, desperate to dash any illusions he might have of her. “I’m selfish. Even though I can clearly see how God did miracles in Allie’s story, they weren’t the miracles I wanted. I wanted to save her.”
Geneva swallowed, the emotions tightening her voice and making it difficult to get the words out. Determinedly, she pushed forward, her voice raw and cracking as she confessed. “Even though I know Allie is in heaven and out of pain. I want her here with me.”
Her final words ended in a sob. The tears finally came in sweeping, choking intensity. Choking gasps shook her body as Geneva cried as she never had in her entire life. Carter’s arms came around, and he cradled her. He held the umbrella overhead to protect her even as he pressed his face to hers, and she felt the rough stubble of his cheek and his own warm tears mixing with hers.
He didn’t say any words. He didn’t try to make condolences or preach about how she should or shouldn’t react as a Christian. She already knew all the platitudes. He just held her and grieved with her.
Finally, Geneva’s sobs calmed. She felt blessedly drained, and she pulled away from Carter even though a little hiccup still escaped every once in a while.
“Thank you, Carter,” she said, suddenly feeling awkward enough to avoid his gaze. “I really appreciate you. First, you took on Allie as a patient just for me and fought for her better than any other doctor could have. You came with me to find Jimmy when you didn’t have to, and you stuck with me even when I didn’t treat you well, and nothing worked out the way we wanted. You were there for me through everything, praying, encouraging me, putting up with me, and taking care of me when I fell apart. I can’t thank you enough, but I also don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything else. I’ll be fine and help Kara with whatever she needs. It isn’t fair to burden you any more or ask you to do anything more than what you’ve already done.”
Carter leaned forward and touched her chin to force her to meet his eyes. “Ask me, Geneva. Burden me. Please. As long as it involves you, I want to be included. You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”
“I don’t want to be your charity case or the person you practice your character-building skills on. I know you don’t like me. You are free to stop pretending and trying to be the better person.”
Carter’s breath whooshed out in a growl of frustration, and he dropped his hand from her chin to rake it through his hair. “How many times do I have to tell you!”
Then, he took a deep breath and speared her with an intense gaze. “You’re right, Geneva. I don’t like you. The word ‘like’ in no way expresses my true feelings toward you. I love you. I love you completely—your bad qualities and your good, everything that makes you who you are. I love you.”
Geneva looked at him, his words not penetrating past her doubt. She couldn’t believe him. They had just experienced a lot of emotions together and packaged it all up with grief. This was simply an emotional spill-out. When life returned to normal, he’d realize that his feelings today were the aftershocks of adrenaline and not genuine.
Yet, while she struggled to keep up, Carter continued, “I’m sorry about four years ago. I didn’t know or understand. I didn’t realize how much you cared about me. You’re hard to understand, and I didn’t bother looking deeper than the surface events of you acting one way at work and then trotting off to be wild and play with everyone but me after work.”
Geneva shook her head. “Carter, it isn’t your fault. I’m lousy at communication. I should have told you how I felt four years ago. I should have said how much I cared. I should have tried to understand your perspective more. I should have explained that the reason I’m so different when I’m off work is because I need to get rid of all the tension that builds up in all the doing and caring when at work. But, that’s really difficult for me to explain when I barely understand myself. I just know that I need to get out and do something fun and completely different to survive. I need the work to stay at work and allow me to shed my skin every once in a while. Now that I recognize my issues, I’m working on it, but I won’t yet pretend to be adequate at communication.”
Carter looked at her with compassion and understanding. “Geneva, I’m trying to tell you that I get it now. I didn’t realize that the way you are able to do your job so effectively is because of the intense focus you use. You shut off everything else to be a doctor, but then when you are off work, you have to decompress and get rid of the stress. I thought it was like you were two different people, but what I was seeing were two aspects of one exceptional woman. You are the gifted, caring doctor. You are the fun-loving adventurer. And I wouldn’t change either one. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.”
“But how?” Geneva asked, puzzled. “I thought you didn’t understand me, but what changed? I can’t change who I am, so why do you all of a sudden get it and appreciate what you couldn’t tolerate before?”
Carter took her cold hand in his and smiled. “I saw you dance.” Then he explained patiently, “When you said you needed to get out in L.A., it was like the light bulb came on for me, and I realized why you acted the way you did. You weren't ever irresponsible. Quite the opposite, actually. You were trying to handle your stress in a healthy way. I’d been your copilot through all of the stress, and I suddenly understood your need. Then I watched you dance on the beach, and I knew for sure that I’d completely misjudged you. I only ask that when you need to go somewhere, you take me with you. I will try to adventure with you. Even if it may not sound appealing, being with you is. When you flirt, flirt with me. When you dance, dance with me. When you need to talk, talk with me. Trust me with your heart, Geneva. Trust me with your thoughts and dreams. Trust me with you. Know that I will both like and love whoever you are or want to be. Always.”
Geneva shook her head and withdrew her hand. Carter said all these wonderful things in the moment, but eventually, she’d disappoint him. “We both know that shared emotional experiences produce feelings that don’t have longevity. This is the stress of the past few weeks talking. You don’t really love me.”
Carter drew her to him and pressed his lips gently to hers. His kiss was different this time. Though the passion and excitement still lay just below the surface, his kiss spoke of something deeper. It was slow and sweet and gentle, promising a forever kind of love.
“Geneva, I’m crazy in love with you,” he said huskily. “I have been for a lot longer than the past few weeks. I loved you four years ago, and that scared me. How could I love someone I didn’t understand?”
Despite his words and his kiss, Geneva was still unconvinced.
Carter pursed his lips as if trying to find a different approach. “Come here, Gen,” he said, pulling her back into the sunroom. Geneva followed, shaking off the snow from her boots and shivering in the warmth of a room that really wasn’t all that warm. He made her sit on the couch and sat beside her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and drawing her close.
“Look, Gen, I’m not asking you for forever. Well, I am, but not right now. Only because of what just happened. I’d be fine with…” Carter winced and took a deep breath, regrouping himself. “Forever is my intention, but I’m not asking you now. When, I do ask—and I will—I want it to be after we’ve healed a little. Each event needs to get the respect it deserves. What I am asking you tonight is this.”
He released
her and reached back to an end table right by the couch, picking up two plates.
“Geneva Hutchins, I’d like to invite you to have pie with me tonight, and for any other night you’ll have me.”
Geneva looked down to see two plates with a large piece of pecan pie on each. “Is that my mom’s pecan pie?”
Carter nodded. “I’ve heard it’s the best.”
“You’ve heard correctly.” Geneva studied the pie as if considering a momentous decision. “I’ve heard that a man only invites a woman to pie if he’s serious about her.”
“You’ve heard correctly,” Carter echoed quietly.
Geneva didn’t respond immediately. She just stared at the pie as if calculating exactly how many calories a piece might cost her.
“Geneva,” Carter breathed her name quietly, almost like a caress.
She couldn’t help but look up at him.
“Geneva, do you love me?” he asked tenderly.
Geneva looked into his kind, brown eyes, seeing both strength and vulnerability in their depths. She saw the man who loved God and had sacrificed so much to be with her and help her in every way. She saw the man whose smile and touch made her heart feel as if it were in cardiac arrest. She saw the man she’d spent years secretly longing for. She saw a man who wasn’t perfect, but was patient with her and freely admitted when he was wrong.
She saw the only man she’d ever loved.
The words came as if of their own volition. “Oh, yes, Carter. I love you. I always have, and I always will. I’d love to have pie with you.”
Carter’s face lit up, rivaling a Christmas tree in its sudden warmth and brightness. He looked from the pie to her lips and back again as if suddenly unsure what to do.
Geneva took the two plates from him. She stood up, set the plates down on the couch, and then pulled him to his feet with her. He quickly claimed her lips once again, murmuring his love. Geneva’s heart ached with the knowledge of the amazing way they’d been brought together by yet another blessing from Allie’s life.