“Did you actually see intercourse? Or did you just see her on top of me? If you were in court you would lose.”
“Stop playing, Caesar. You’re a cop. I know how you crooked-ass motherfuckers try to twist shit.” I thought about the white cop who had forced me to have sex with him when I was only thirteen and in the streets.
“Listen!” he said firmly. “That day, I came over there to see you. Excuse my language, baby, but I never gave a fuck about your sister. I was up late the night before because my mother continued to drill me on you. Saying that I had better leave you alone, that she would not stand for me seeing you. Cashmere, back then you meant more to me than my family and even my dreams. You were sweet, you were special, and you were someone I was never gonna come across again. I can say that now at the age of thirty-five because I never did. Anyway, I told my mom that night that I didn’t need my family. I told her I wasn’t going to Grambling. I was going to move out and just go to a local school. Cashmere, I couldn’t leave you out here like that. I wanted to take care of you. Make sure no harm came your way. And I couldn’t do that being thousands of miles away. So I decided to give up on that dream of going to Grambling. Anyway, I came to see you and like I said my head was killing me as I drove over there from all the arguing from the previous night. When I got there your sister told me you would be right back, that you ran to the market up the street. She saw how upset I looked; she acted concerned, so I told your sister thinking I could trust her. She gave me an aspirin and a glass of water, or so I thought. When I did wake up, I woke up naked and disoriented. And no one was there.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I was drugged by your sister and made to look like I had slept with you to get you out of my life. I’m saying that I was set up. My mother paid your sister to do it. And she willingly did it. After that day, I never saw you again. Lord knows I looked for you. But I’m not from Compton, didn’t have an ounce of streets smarts. I used the only resources I knew. I went to your school but you never came back there. I went to your aunt and she wouldn’t help me. She gave me some weird speech about not fucking with your fate. Then something horrible happened: my father was murdered.”
I gasped.
“It was crazy because it was in our neighborhood. It was a carjacking. My mother thought we were so much better because of what we had and where we lived. It was so ironic to me.” He chuckled bitterly. “I always told her it was her punishment for tearing you and me apart. For being so foul. So anyway, just to get away from her and the pain of losing my dad and you, I decided to go to Grambling after all.
“And after all these years, I never really repaired my relationship with my mother. It’s just not the same. I have never learned to trust her again. But I never slept with your sister. She faked the whole thing, Cashmere, I swear to you. I would have never done something like that to you. I never wanted her. I always wanted you.”
My eyes were wide. It made sense. In the back of my mind at that time I had always wondered why Caesar never got up and chased after me even after I had vandalized his car.
“How did you find out that it was a setup?”
“My piece of shit brother told me. I decided to do something with my life. He didn’t. He dropped out of three colleges, ran up all his credit cards, and the last straw was when he totaled his Benz. Well my mom got tired of all his recklessness and cancelled his credit cards. They had a screaming match and he blurted it out in front of her and me. Crazy part was when I confronted her she didn’t deny it. Her belief that you weren’t for me was so strong she didn’t deny it. Because in her mind she thought she was doing what was best. If you don’t believe me trust and believe that my mother will admit what she did to you. We have been strained for so many years trust me she will be more than willing to make it right between us by making it right with you. So, Cashmere, just say the word. I will call her bougie ass right now and she will rush over here to talk to you. To confess the dirt she did years ago.”
“That’s not necessary.” Wow. I was blown away from what he had just said. All this time I had hated Caesar and he had never betrayed me. Wow, Desiree. I loved my sister but she was just such a fucked-up person. And his mother was worse.
Then suddenly his eyes got watery. “You’ll hate me for saying this but, Cashmere, I know what happened. Years ago, I looked you up in our system. I know you were convicted of murdering your sister. There was a case with a pimp named Black Mitchell. But, baby, how did it get to that point?”
I took a deep breath and told him everything. From my aunt throwing me out to Black taking my virginity, to the drugs and the prostitution. I left nothing out. I even told him about how I was forced to have sex with his bitch-ass brother. Through the entire speech Caesar had his hands over his face. That didn’t hide his trembling lips or stop the tears that ran down his face at all I had been through. His shoulders at one point started to shake uncontrollably. Shit made me start crying as well.
He continued to cry even when the last of my tears dried up. After a few minutes of silence he said, “Things would have been different if I had been able to save you, Cashmere. You didn’t deserve to endure any of that shit.”
Any hatred I ever had for Caesar was gone. I believed him. No one could ever tell me different that’s for sure. There’s no way after all these years he would be lying; for what? What did he have to gain? And I believed his mother was up to it as well as my sister.
“I knew you were married with a child so I stayed away. But the day at the hospital, your mother said . . .” He shook his head. “So where are you now, Cashmere? Are you happy?”
“Hell the fuck no. I’m miserable. I fucked up my life worse than anyone ever could.”
“Why do you say that, Cashmere?”
I swallowed hard. “Years ago I was raped by Black after I got out of juvenile hall. I found out I was pregnant but I didn’t know if it was Black’s or my husband’s baby. He was worried that it was Black’s and it was. Ever since we took the paternity test he was never the same. He married me despite not wanting to, hoping I could give him a child. I was never able to. Well I was but by that time he was long gone. Anyhow while we were married, I allowed him to be mean to Dominique and I can’t forgive myself for it. He treated her like she wasn’t there after we got the paternity results. And I allowed it because I loved him so much and didn’t want to lose him. I just kept thinking that once I got pregnant things would be better! But I was never able to. Well, sort of. He was unhappy with me, with our family for such a long time and he left me. Not long after he left, he was killed in an accident. Crazy part was that I was over four months pregnant. I believe that if he had known I was pregnant he wouldn’t have left. But it’s too late now isn’t it?”
“Well, Cashmere, I’m sorry for all that you have had to go through. Losing someone you love is hard to recover from. I know because my dad’s death really affected me. But, you can’t beat yourself up for mistakes you’ve made. You can’t change the past even if you wanted to. And I’m sorry you lost your husband. I’m sorry you had a miscarriage as well, baby.”
“Sometimes I hate myself because I feel like I’m no different than my mother. I have made so many damn mistakes.” There was silence as I looked down at my feet.
Caesar slid a hand across the table and covered mine with his. I smiled at him.
“With everything you are dealing with, Cashmere, what can I do to make things better for you?”
I shook my head. “Stop it.”
“No. I’m serious. Let me be there for you.”
“I—”
“Let me.”
“Okay. I really need to be held. Can you do that for me, Caesar?”
“All night if you want. And I won’t let you go until you tell me to.”
So how crazy was it that I found myself wrapped in the arms of a man I hadn’t seen since I was thirteen?
And he did exactly what he promised. He held me in his arms in a bed at
a local Motel 6. And as I shed nothing but tears about my situation, what I was going through, he continued to hold me and say the same exact thing he said at the café: “It’s okay, baby. You’re safe. You’re safe. I’m here now.”
It felt really good to be comforted and to have someone tell me that they would be there for me. I just in a million years never thought that that person would be Caesar. I didn’t think I’d ever come across him again.
I turned in his arms and faced him. “Come on, Caesar. It’s been years. What do you want with me now even after all the crazy shit I told you?”
“Well for one I’m concerned about your well-being right now, Cashmere. And second, part of me feels responsible for the way your life turned out.”
“So you saying you feel sorry for me?”
“No, baby. When you love someone you naturally care. You’re naturally concerned.”
“You can’t love me after all this time, Caesar. Come on. I know you are messing with someone. You a cop and you’re fine as hell. Stop it with that. We never even had sex before. Matter fact, after all these years why haven’t you married and had some kids?”
“I’m a man, baby. I’d be a liar if I said that I haven’t had sex with other women or been in relationships. But something. . . I don’t know how to say it but I’ll try my best to properly articulate it. There has always been something that made me unable to form a strong connection with any of them. In addition, someway, somehow I was always comparing them to a thirteen-year-old girl named Cashmere. I mean you were my first love, Cashmere. Sometimes a man always craves that person, the one who got away. No other women can really measure up to them. Somehow, someway they always seemed to come up short. Almost like never being fulfilled by any of them. I always wanted to know if what happened between us had never happened, if I was able to get you away from your sister what our life would be like now.”
Wow. That is some powerful shit, I thought. In my own way I had always loved Caesar. He and Demarco were the only men besides my dad in my life. It was crazy that after all these years Caesar still thought about me, wanted me.
“And even now that you know what you know about me, about the things I’ve done? Come on, Caesar. You’re from the upper crust. I used to sell my body. I abused drugs, committed murder. And look, I used to cut on myself.” I showed him one of my arms. Those scars were still there. They probably always would be. I gasped and watched in shock as Caesar’s eyes watered from what he saw. All those long and ugly scars crisscrossed up and down my wrists. He shook his head quickly and started gently kissing each and every scar tenderly. I closed my eyes as some of my shame eased with each kiss. And maybe I shouldn’t have but I lifted his face between my hands and started kissing him on his lips.
He returned the kiss gently. First they were soft pecks. Then he opened my lips with his tongue and invaded the inside of my mouth. Despite everything that was going on and in spite of everything that was going on I needed it because as he laid me down and started rubbing all over my body, Caesar’s hands were making me feel alive, whole again. That shit was real crazy to me!
“I want us to pretend that this is the first time, Cashmere. Pretend we are young all over again. You are thirteen and I’m eighteen. Forget about all that shit that happened to you.”
“Caesar, that sounds crazy how—”
“Just do it, baby. It will be like leaving all that shit behind you and starting again.”
A look at his face showed me he was serious. “Just close your eyes, baby, and try. Let me make you feel good. Don’t worry about anything else. What happened to you then, the past, none of that. Don’t even worry about the bullshit you dealing with today ’cause that will be over soon anyway. Just focus on my voice and how I make you feel.”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I could feel Caesar’s gentle hands move over mine and tremble almost like he was nervous. He started kissing me all over. Then his tongue followed. As he placed kisses on my neck and collarbone his hands went to massage my breasts and rubbed on my nipples. I moaned as sensations engulfed me. More kisses followed until he was gently pulling, and nipping at my nipples. I moaned as sensations engulfed me and fueled me up with desire. Then he traveled lower, until his upper body was centered between my legs. He kissed me all over my belly and placed kisses on my hips and thighs. I hadn’t had a man take his time with me like this in a long time so I didn’t focus on whether I was wrong for doing it. I simply enjoyed it because I knew I needed this! He fingered me between my legs making me moan and twist my lower body. He then started licking at the folds of my flesh. I bit my bottom lip as he expertly sucked on me and reached his hands up and caressed my breasts. I moaned loudly. He stroked and sucked, driving me insane. I felt my knees shaking and writhed in agony.
I continued to enjoy all the sensations with my eyes closed feeling like I was back there that day where I almost gave Caesar my virginity but was afraid to.
When I felt his body rise and him spread my legs apart I held my breath as he was about to enter me. Once he did and I felt the pressure inside of me, I screamed in pleasure and pain. I felt his lips on mine. “Let it out,” he told me. He continued to thrust inside of me, completely filling me up. And he was really gentle. More gentle than I had felt since forever. I continued to keep my eyes closed but rose to meet his thrusts. He started groaning low in his throat. I felt myself climaxing and my eyes rolling into the back of my head. He let out a scream that was so loud he became hoarse. Then he collapsed on my chest.
Shit was crazy. Almost like a dream. Everything I was going through seemed unreal but all of it was true.
Afterward, we just lay in each other’s arms. Unbelievable, I thought. “Whew,” I said.
“What?” he asked.
“This shit is just crazy. You come back into my life after all these years and you still wanted to hit this.”
He laughed. “You still a young tenda. And you were feeling just right and screaming just right.”
“Well thank you. I guess.”
“But that’s not all I want. I hope you know.”
I pulled out of his arms and sat up in the bed. “What do you want?”
“Listen. I don’t want you to think I’m insensitive to your pain. What you’re going through, with you losing your husband and your baby. But I have always dreamed of having the opportunity to make you mine again, Cashmere. At the risk of sounding like a stalker, I’ve driven by your home a few times. You were never out of my sight or mind. The work I do in my spare time is all because of you. Because I couldn’t save you. Cashmere, I—”
I refused to even entertain the thought that this man wanted any aspect of me. “Oh God you are creeping me out. You can’t possibly still want . . .” I paused. “What are you saying? What do you want?”
“What I am saying is that I want the opportunity to make you mine. What I want, all I want, is you. Cashmere, I just want that chance you gave me years ago. And now there is no threat that anyone can come in and screw things up for us.”
I swallowed hard. “Look, Caesar. Your words are sweet. All of this was sweet and what I needed for the moment. But I have so much shit I’m dealing with right now. Yes, things are getting better for me. But just two weeks ago I cracked and could not get released from a damn hospital and I’m a grown-ass woman. I was unstable as I was trying to recover from my husband’s death; and then losing this baby sent me into a downward spiral. I’ve been there before and all this pain opened up a lot of old wounds. I almost started cutting on myself again. And with all the crap I have been dealing with I have been to a huge degree neglecting my child. I feel like when I try to get on track something sets me back. I have enough common sense to know when someone is gone they are gone. Three months ago I told myself that me moping around the house, wanting to end my life, pretending my child didn’t exist wouldn’t bring my husband back and if he were alive he might not want me because when he was alive he didn’t want me. So I needed to engage in something
to take my mind off of it if I were ever to heal ’cause if I didn’t heal I was either going to go insane like in my juvenile days or take my life.
“Then one early morning, my friend Bev popped up and got me out of the bed and forced me to go to the shop. That shit was working; pouring myself into work gave me something to focus on besides my sad, sad life. I even talked to my daughter and promised her that she would have her old mommy back. And then what happens? The same day I find out I was pregnant was the same day I lose it? Come on. How the fuck can the gods be this cruel to me? But even still, I knew I had a reason to stay on this earth. That’s Dominique. So I have no choice but to try to pull it together. I’m going to pray, have faith, throw these bullshit depression pills in the trash, and get it together.
“Caesar, what you are asking for, I don’t know if I can give you. I will need some time to get right with my child. I know she probably thinks I’m weak as hell. And I have the best daughter ever. A sign that I have been neglecting her is the fact that she was in that strip club. But I felt like I couldn’t really get on her too hard about it because if I was doing what I was supposed to be doing I highly doubt she would have been there.”
I chuckled and shook my head. “I mean I have to admit this shit is really crazy. Us running into each other, years later. And to know that you never . . .” I smiled. “I want you to know that I believe you, Caesar. Regardless of whatever happens between us.”
“I’m glad you do, Cashmere. And I want you to know that this has always meant more to me than some teenage crush. And I’ll give you all the time you need to deal with what you’re dealing with. But I’m here. Just know that. And for whatever you need from this day forward, no matter what it is, you can count on me, Cashmere. So take your time. I’ll wait for you. You’re worth it.”
I smiled at that, leaned forward, and kissed him. His hands reached up and grabbed me around my waist as the kiss became more passionate. Before things went too far, I pulled away. “I need to go, Caesar.”
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