‘What?’
I felt shaky. ‘We were messing around. I was about eight. Mum was tickling me. We were in the lounge. I laughed and shoved her as hard as I could. You think parents are all powerful when you’re small. I never thought she’d fall over. I must have caught her off-balance. She twisted and fell down, catching her right breast on the corner of this low mantelpiece, in front of the fire. She screamed out. We couldn’t hug her for days because of the swelling and pain. She’d laughed about it over the years. Said her breast had been wonky ever since. I hadn’t thought about it for ages until Dad threw that accusation at me.’
‘What a ridiculous thing to say.’
‘It didn’t seem so. The cancer came on the right side. I felt sure I’d read something, over the years, about breast trauma causing cancer. His accusation still hurts. I wish it didn’t.’
Rick enveloped me in an embrace.
‘Then a couple of years ago I got talking to the husband of one of the vets where Amy works. We got talking about my Mum. I kept the subject vague but moved it onto the causes of breast cancer. He said studies had been done and there were no links proved between cancer and breast injuries.’ My throat ached. ‘I felt such relief – and was so angry at Dad for having let me blame myself all that time.’
I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply. It felt good to share this with someone – and for that person to confirm that Dad was speaking nonsense, even though the rational part of me knew that. It was something I’d not even felt able to share with the therapist Anabelle encouraged me to see, all those years ago when I first left home. Eventually Rick took me by the shoulders. Held me firmly. Look me straight in the face.
‘He should never have blamed you, even if it had been true. It was an accident and apart from anything else, you were a child.’ He shook his head. ‘I’d never hurt you, Sarah. Not intentionally. I hope you know that.’
‘I do.’ A tear rolled down my cheek. ‘That’s what cuts most about Dad. There were no excuses I could make for him. He always knew exactly what he was doing. I doubt he even believed the accusation himself. Whereas you and me… I suppose sometimes, when people are hurting they say things they don’t mean; then regret it and say sorry.’
‘Perhaps we should talk less,’ he said.
‘Sounds good to me.’
We looked at each other and smiled. Rick’s phone buzzed.
‘You should answer that.’
Rick pulled a face and tapped his finger onto the screen. Both his eyebrows raised. He scrolled up and down, reading it again.
‘It’s a text from Malik. About Gran. She’s just landed in Antigua and will be catching the plane to Tortola once this weather has completely died down.’ He beamed. ‘So much for not coming until September. She’ll be here tomorrow. I can’t wait to introduce you.’
38
After our ordeal Rick offered both Amy and me a bed at the house. But now that I was about to organise an early flight home, I felt an odd affinity with the shack – in the same way I looked back on that first bed and breakfast I moved into, all those years ago. Not with fondness but… a kind of gratitude. It had made me what I am – in the same way this shack had taught me that I could still survive hard times.
I sat on my bunk bed and gazed at my cracked, unpolished nails. Part of me was looking forward to returning to the executive life. Smart suits. High heels. However maybe, in the future, I’d chill more about the way I looked at weekends. I hadn’t thought much about my appearance, with Rick – unlike how I’d been with previous boyfriends. And with Chatty around there had been little point in styling my hair.
I’d hardly slept, thinking about my departure.
Perhaps I’d visit Rick here.
Maybe he’d come to London.
Or was this just a fling?
Whatever the outcome, in lots of ways, I owed this trip a lot.
Who’d have thought I’d ever be thankful for this island swap?
Amy returned from the showers, rubbing her hair with a towel. She threw it onto my bed. I lifted it up and lobbed it on hers. We smiled at each other.
‘What time does this Margot get into the airport?’ she asked.
‘Just before lunch. I’m going over to meet her with Rick.’ It would also give me a chance to sort out my early ticket back to London. I lifted up my phone. ‘Guess who I got an email from this morning?’ I asked as we headed outside and sat on the steps of the shack, soaking up the early morning sun. ‘Prue.’
Amy tidied her hair with her hands. ‘What did she want?’
‘Me to go back. Apparently the last three weeks have been hell with regular customers asking where I am and her having to sort out the housekeeping problems herself. She’s even offered me a pay rise and said something about her nephew having a lot to learn.’
‘You aren’t considering her offer?’
‘You see this finger?’ I said and lifted one up. I jabbed it at the screen and deleted the Best Travel email.
Amy grinned. ‘Great, because our return to England is going to herald a new beginning for both of us.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Promise not to say I told you so?’ She took a deep breath. ‘I’m going to apply to university to study veterinary science. Next year. So I have a couple of months of research ahead of me too, to choose a course and get my application in this autumn. My grades weren’t quite high enough for all the courses but I’m hoping my years of experience, working as a nurse at Paws & Claws – and the stay here – will act in my favour.’
I gaped. ‘Amy… that’s brilliant. What’s changed your mind?’
‘Helping Jackie. Being given responsibility in the way I’m not as a nurse back in London. It’s boosted my confidence. Made me realise that…’ She looked at me. ‘… Dad was wrong. I have got what it takes. I’ve been thinking since our chat yesterday. His attitude towards us – it affected your view of men. Now I can see how it affected my view of my career prospects. I suspected as much over the years and wished I’d ignored him and trained as a vet – but always told myself it was too late. I don’t believe that now.’
‘What changed?’
‘Look at Rick, leaving his oil job and starting up Seagrass Conservation – despite a geology degree not giving him exactly the right know-how. His passion has carried him through, along with Jackie’s expertise on animals. And then there’s his gran – she sounds as if she’s never stopped aiming for goals. Jackie changed direction and moved here to help Rick… I reckon age is irrelevant if you’ve got the drive.’ She sat up straighter. ‘It’s time we both stepped completely out of Dad’s shadow.’
We sat there holding hands like we used when we were little, sitting on the stairs at night, listening to our dad pick an argument with Mum or Anabelle.
‘We’ll still send him a Christmas card, and one for his birthday,’ I said.
‘But that’s all. No more visits where we do our best to ignore his insults and sit through him talking about nothing but the latest deal he’s closed.’
I nodded.
‘What about Rick?’ asked Amy. ‘How is your relationship going to work? Are you sure you won’t stay just one more week, now that you and Rick are hitting it off?’
‘No. Not unless I can’t exchange my ticket. I’m worried about the bills. You’ll need every remaining penny of your lottery win for university. The longer I’m out of the job, the bigger the threat that we’ll lose the flat we’ve both worked so hard for. I’d love to stay here for a few more days. The island has really grown on me.’
‘Say that again?’ she said and a smug look crossed her face.
I smiled. ‘I guess we could both say I told you so, in different ways. I am glad you swapped our holidays. Apart from anything else, it’s bolstered my gut feeling that it’s time to move on and challenge myself.’
‘That’s how I feel,’ said Amy. ‘Dealing with the injured parrot and helping get the medication down the iguana and so many other things... Jackie
’s trust in me has made me realise I’m more capable than I thought - and yes, just like you always thought.’ She kissed my cheek and smiled. ‘Veterinary nursing is challenging and I love looking after the animals that stay overnight, but I’ve always wanted to be more hands on; to replace the reception and nursing work with diagnosing or even surgery.’
‘I’m so proud of you,’ I said quietly. ‘So impressed at the way you’ve taken on extra responsibilities here and helped tidy the enclosures and feed the animals, even though you haven’t been rostered in. I imagine Jackie’s really going to miss you.’
Amy blushed. ‘I’m already thinking that if I save really hard, I could afford to come over next summer. I told Jackie about my plans. I hope you don’t mind me discussing it with her first.’
Was this what it felt like to be a parent? Sad that you are no longer number one when it came to hearing big news and dishing out advice – yet at the same time so happy that your child is capable and independent?
‘Of course not. We’ve both made new friends – you’ve confided in Jackie. I’ve had Jonas.’
‘You get on with him so well. I thought he might be a toy boy for you at first. I sure got that wrong! Anyway, Jackie said I might be able to work as an assistant to her, next summer. Seagrass Conservation probably couldn’t pay me but might cover the cost of my flight and I’d have a shack and free meals here like the volunteers.’
‘Look at us. Moving forwards with our lives. When you won that lottery, we won much more than pounds and coins.’ With a bursting heart I hugged her tight before leaving to meet Rick up at the house. I had some really exciting news to tell him. Piano and harmonica notes drifted along the breeze. Jonas and Benedikt must have been practising. I stopped for a moment, by one of the cacao trees, and caught Rick’s eye as he stood in the lounge clapping, as they finished a jazz tune. He spoke to the pair before they came out of the house.
‘That sounded fantastic,’ I said.
Jonas kissed me on the cheek before putting his arm around Benedikt’s shoulder. Benedikt grinned at me.
‘Thanks. In fact, playing together has given Benedikt and me an idea,’ said Jonas. ‘Both of us feel we are at a crossroads in our life. We love music. On our own we’ve never found the courage to take that love further. But…’ He looked at Benedikt who nodded. ‘I’m going to move back to Hamburg where I studied. I’m familiar with the city and the music scene is great there. Benedikt needs a flat mate to help with the rent as he’s going to resign from his job at the bank. I’ll get a part-time job. We’ll work on our first set. To start with we’ll try to get gigs in small bars and to pay the bills working as waiters or shop assistants – whatever it takes.’
‘Wow. That’s really great and… what a step. I’m pleased for you… if you’re sure.’
I seemed to be wired with a maternal gene when it came to anyone younger than me.
‘I know what you are thinking,’ said Benedikt. ‘That we haven’t known each other long. What if things don’t work out – between us? But we have thought about that…’
Jonas nodded. ‘First and foremost we’re friends. That’s what the music career will be built on if it takes off – and everything signed in black and white if we ever get that far. If we don’t follow our dreams, we’ll always be wondering what if…’
‘And a life full of what ifs is no life at all,’ said Benedikt. ‘Things could get complicated – we know that – but an artistic life, one way or another, was never going to be simple.’
I stared at them and darted forwards, embracing them both at the same time.
‘I hope you’ll still talk to me when you’re both famous.’
‘We are expecting you at our first gig,’ said Jonas.
‘Amy as well. We need someone to look after my dog,’ said Benedikt and we all laughed.
I hurried indoors and told Rick about their impressive plans. But he hardly listened. Instead he came over, gently took my hand and led me to the sofa. We sat down. Deep lines were etched in his brow.
‘Rick? What’s wrong? Is your gran all right?’
‘Sarah, I was chatting to Jonas… What’s all this about you going home early?’
39
Part of me yearned to stay near Rick. Jonas and Benedikt were moving in together after just a matter of weeks – but it was to follow their hearts musically as well. I couldn’t justify any more time here – not when I had a career to forge back home.
Mum left university for Dad. Anabelle gave up her job and own earnings. Looking back, I could see how that allowed him to isolate them from their friends.
I hadn’t fully understood the extent of his abuse at the time.
Because it was abuse.
I was growing up. Reading online news articles. Surfing social media. I came across similar stories. They gave me strength. Made me understand just how selfish and controlling my father was. When I was small, I didn’t think I would ever understand adult relationships. Mum veered between being so happy and so sad, navigating her way around Dad’s anger, saying his moods were due to him working so hard and that we should all try to make his life easier.
Sometimes I thought that I was to blame. Perhaps I was especially naughty. Maybe I was born bad and causing problems between Mum and Dad. My self-esteem recovered a little when I read those articles in my teens. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t Mum or Amy. Nor Anabelle.
The only person to blame was him.
As my twenties passed, I chose my partners carefully and realised there were other types of men to Dad. Yet I could never shake off a deep urgency, within, to remain completely independent.
‘I’m sorry you heard it from him first, Rick. Everything has happened so fast. The thing is… I need to pursue my career. Luxury hotel management is competitive and I stand the best chance of landing a position back in London. I can’t afford to be out of work for long.’ I told him about the offer from Best Travel that I’d turned down and the luxury hotels I’d already got in mind, to apply to, and talked about how I was going to restructure my CV.
‘I understand. And I respect you so much. Perhaps we can visit each other.’
‘Yes,’ I said and glanced away, knowing, as he probably did, that in time the distance, cost of travelling and work obligations would prove too much.
Suddenly I remembered the exciting news. ‘Talking of work, have you looked at the new website today?’
Rick shook his head.
‘There’s an email. This could be your first proper booking! And it sounds much more suitable. It’s a mixed group of retired people. Just eight. Good friends by the sounds of it. Four of the partners used to work for the same publishing company and left work at around the same time. They formed a book club to stay in touch. They all happen to be animal lovers as well and fancy a trip together. One of the couples recently suffered bad news and I get the sense that the others have rallied around and suggested a getaway last-minute trip away – somewhere secluded. That’s what is most important to them.’
‘It sounds like that enquiry told you quite a story!’
‘The email signature belongs to a well-known author. Perhaps that explains it. I’ve seen her on a television chat show. That might be another reason that the privacy of Cacao House appeals.’
I smiled. To think I’d once thought this trip was going to mean a month in the company of Richard Branson and other famous people.
‘They are interested in visiting the animal enclosures. Learning about local wildlife. Sampling authentic Virgin Island cooking.’ I punched his arm. ‘Brilliant, isn’t it? You must reply today. They have a few questions before going ahead such as how bad are the mosquitoes and can you cater for food allergies.’
‘Would you mind casting an eye over my response? This is completely new territory.’
‘Of course.’
‘I’m going to miss you – purely from a professional point of view, of course.’
I loved how his frequent humour made those mocha eyes even warm
er.
‘You’ll soon get the hang of it but can always message me with questions. Or we can Skype.’
We stood up and headed down to the jetty with Jason and his friends. We’d assumed they’d be eating at the house this evening, as usual, but they’d insisted on going across to Tortola for a ‘quiet meal’. A friend of Rick’s over there offered to drop them back. Nia said they’d been quiet all day, in the pool or playing cards on the sun beds. Brandon had told them about Tortola’s botanical gardens and they’d decided to visit there tomorrow.
We didn’t say much, in the boat, as Rick steered. I searched the waves for dolphins already feeling homesick – homesick for the island I’d be leaving. How was that possible? I’d only been here for three weeks but felt so different from the woman who’d turned up here with her impractical clothes and matching attitude.
Seagrass Island had changed me, I thought, as I stepped onto dry land. I’d never felt homesick before. Aged eighteen I’d been glad to leave Dad. It hurt not living with Amy. I still missed Mum. But I felt no attachment to the life I’d led with him and Anabelle.
‘Can we go in here, quickly?’ I said to Rick as he searched for a taxi. I pointed to a gift shop.
‘Don’t worry about us – we’ll sort ourselves out,’ said Jason.
‘Right. Well there’s a great rum bar by—’
‘We won’t be overdoing it,’ said Steve and he gave a rueful smile. ‘So no need to worry about locking the monkey up.’
‘We all make mistakes,’ I said.
‘How about Nia cooks you all her delicious stewed oxtail, tomorrow night, and I persuade my grandmother to take you through her legendary collection of rums?’ added Rick. ‘Miraculously they were one of the few things not wrecked by the storm. She’s got cherry rum, a chocolate one, lime and black spiced. A reserve blended for Christmas. Another that’s 151 proof.’
The Summer Island Swap Page 26