Still, she was glad when the puck dropped, taking the topic of her relationship with Steven along with it.
Tyler’s team lost all three games in their round-robin play, knocking them out of contention for the finals. Myra and Ted said their goodbyes after lunch on Sunday and got into their car to head back to North Carolina. Caitlin and Tyler were old enough now that Steven felt comfortable leaving them for short periods of time during the day and, after imposing a restriction on all television, video games and the Internet until homework was done, he headed over to Samara’s.
It was only after he’d kissed her deeply and thoroughly, telling her with his lips instead of his words how much he missed her, that he eased back and said, “I’m sorry.”
As she was still in his arms, he should have anticipated that his words would confuse her.
“Please tell me you’re not apologizing for the way you just kissed me.”
He chuckled at that. “I’m not. I’m apologizing for the fact that our weekend plans were ruined.”
“Nothing was ruined,” she assured him.
“I really had no idea they were planning to visit.”
“Would you have warned me away if you’d known?”
“Definitely,” he said. “But for your sake, not theirs.”
“You didn’t think I could handle them?”
“I think you’ve got more than enough to handle with my daughter,” he admitted. “But I did notice that you and Ted seemed to bond at Tyler’s hockey game.”
“I had a good time,” she told him. “I think Myra would take some getting used to, but I really liked Ted.”
“I do, too,” he said. “Which still surprises me considering that we got off to such a rocky start.”
She snuggled closer. “Why was that?”
“They didn’t approve of me when Liz and I first started dating. I didn’t have a university education, my family background was questionable, I was decidedly lacking in ambition and—horror of horrors—I had a job that got my hands dirty.”
“I’m sure they don’t regret it now. It’s obvious how much they both like and respect you.”
“It took a long time, though.”
“Then maybe there’s hope that Caitlin and I can reach a treaty yet.”
“Truce,” he correctly automatically. “And I keep hoping. And then I start to wonder if I’m being selfish.”
“For wanting to have a personal life?”
“For wanting to believe I could be lucky enough to find love again.”
Samara went perfectly still.
“Liz and I had a really good marriage, and I loved her completely,” he said. “When she died…I felt as if someone had slammed the door on my heart. I was sure I would never fall in love again.
“Then I met you, and suddenly I’m feeling things that I haven’t felt in a very long time. And it’s so real and amazing. And it’s scary—because maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe I already had my once-in-a-lifetime chance.”
“Maybe you did,” Samara said. “But I didn’t.” She linked her arms behind his neck and drew his mouth back down to hers. “So if you’ve already used up your chance, we’ll think of this one as mine.”
He brushed his lips against hers. “And I’ll do my best to make it a good one.”
She smiled. “I’m counting on it.”
If Samara had any questions about whose idea it was for her and Caitlin to go shopping for a baby gift together, the mutinous expression on the girl’s face when they met at the mall answered them definitively. Still, Caitlin was mostly civil as they wandered through the stores. Not friendly, but civil.
“Are you hungry?” Samara asked, when they passed the food court near lunchtime.
Caitlin shrugged. “I guess I could eat.”
“Anything in particular? There’s tacos, burgers, chicken, stir-fry—”
“Actually, I’m not really hungry after all,” Caitlin said.
It was the tone as much as the sudden rush of words that snagged Jenny’s attention, and when she looked at Steven’s daughter, she saw her shooting nervous glances toward the line at the fry stand. There was a group of kids around Caitlin’s age waiting to be served, and she guessed that they were probably classmates of hers.
That guess was confirmed when one of the girls caught sight of Caitlin and waved her arm over her head. “Hey.”
Steven’s daughter lifted her hand in response, though she looked as though she would rather have disappeared into a hole in the ground than respond. Samara suspected her lackluster acknowledgement of the other girl’s greeting wasn’t because she didn’t like her, but because she was embarrassed to have been caught hanging out at the mall with her father’s “friend.”
Then the girl who had waved elbowed the boy standing beside her. He looked over in their direction, caught Caitlin’s eye and smiled at her, and Samara had the pleasure of watching the girl’s cheeks flood with rosy color.
“Do you want to eat with your friends?” Samara asked.
Caitlin looked at her, a mixture of hope and suspicion in her eyes. “You’d let me do that?”
“Why not?”
“’Cause I’m supposed to be spending time with you.”
Samara wished she hadn’t made it sound like a punishment, but she knew from Caitlin’s perspective it was. “Actually, I wanted to take a look in the kitchen store, and I can’t imagine that would be very much fun for you, so you might as well take half an hour and grab a bite.”
“Okay,” Caitlin said. Then, more hesitantly, “Thanks.”
Though Samara waited at the edge of the food court for Caitlin, she could tell that the girl wasn’t happy when her friends decided to follow her over so they could meet her.
She had to wonder why they’d made the effort, because she was certain anything Caitlin might have said about her wasn’t flattering. But she was impressed with their manners and knew that Steven had to be pleased his daughter had made friends with some genuinely nice kids since moving to Chicago. She wasn’t quite so sure he’d be pleased to know that Caitlin was deep in the midst of a major crush, but she had no intention of betraying his daughter by revealing that little bit of information.
After Caitlin said goodbye to her friends, she and Samara headed to the baby department in one of the biggest stores. Samara had already picked up several gifts for Richard and Jenny’s baby so she really didn’t need to buy anything today, but it was fun to browse all the cute little outfits and she did so while Caitlin picked out a gift for the upcoming baby shower.
She knew Jenny was having a boy, but she found herself sifting through racks laden down with little pink dresses and frilly lilac jumpers and all manner of things suited to a little princess. She pulled a hanger from the rack to admire a pair of pink corduroy overalls embroidered with tiny purple and blue flowers and paired with a lighter colored pink top with the same decoration on the collar and cuffs.
As she traced a finger around the outline of a flower, she felt a sharp tug of yearning deep inside.
“I like this one,” Caitlin said, holding up a pair of denim pants with the cuffs rolled up to reveal the soft plaid flannel lining and a button-front shirt of the same material.
Samara started, embarrassed to have been caught daydreaming. She placed the hanger she was holding back onto the rack, tucking her musings away with the pretty pink outfit.
“I like it, too,” she said.
“And I got this.” Caitlin showed her a plump fuzzy teddy bear with paw patches in a matching plaid.
“Perfect.”
“Does that mean we can go now?”
She led Steven’s daughter toward the checkout counter.
“You must be excited about getting a new cousin,” she said, trying to make conversation while they waited their turn in line.
Caitlin just lifted a shoulder. “It’s okay, I guess.”
“I’m sure you’ll think it’s much better than okay once the baby’s born.”
“As long as I don’t have to live with him,” the girl said. “My friend’s mom had a baby a couple of months ago, and Brittany told me she hasn’t slept through the night ever since because the baby’s crying all the time.”
“I’m sure it’s not as bad as that.”
“Brittany says it is,” she insisted. “Thank God that’s not something I’m ever gonna have to worry about.”
Samara refused to take the bait.
Caitlin refused to let it go.
“Even if my dad ever decided to get married again—which he told me he definitely wouldn’t even think of doing for a very long time—he doesn’t want any more kids.”
And the image of the baby that had started to take shape in her mind—a beautiful child with Steven’s eyes and Tyler’s smile and Caitlin’s dimple—went up in a puff of smoke leaving only the charred remains of a hope that had recently begun to blossom within her heart.
Chapter Fourteen
After their trip to the mall, Caitlin was invited for a sleepover at a friend’s house, so Steven invited Samara for a sleepover at his. She’d been hesitant to accept, because while his daughter might be gone for the night his son was still home, and despite his assurances that Tyler slept like a log, Samara planned to be gone before morning. But for now, she was in his arms.
“She was a brat, wasn’t she?” Steven asked, referring to her shopping excursion with Caitlin earlier in the day.
“No, she wasn’t a brat.” But some of things she’d said had got Samara thinking.
“Then what kind of intense thoughts are responsible for the line right—” he touched a finger to the furrow between her brows “—here?”
“I was just thinking that there’s still so much we don’t know about one another.”
“Like what?”
“Plans for the future,” she said.
He bent his head to nibble on the plump curve of her lower lip. “Right now,” he murmured the words against her mouth, “I’m just taking everything one day at a time.”
She leaned back, away from the temptation of his kisses. “Is that enough for you?”
He sighed. “Is this the relationship talk you didn’t want to have a couple of weeks ago?”
It was—and it was a talk she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to have even now. But she knew it was necessary because every day she spent with Steven, she fell a little bit deeper in love. And as her feelings for him continued to grow, so did her dreams of a future, and she needed to know if he wanted any of the same things she did.
“I just want to know if, when you look at your future—and I mean something a little bit further away than next Saturday night—you see me with you.”
“Yes.”
His immediate response was something of a balm to the heart that had been bruised by his daughter’s callous words. “You’re certain?”
“I might not know much else, but I know that I want to be with you. Not just tonight or next week, but hopefully for a long time after that.”
“What about—” she swallowed “—a baby?”
He rolled away from her, dropping his head back onto his own pillow. “Why is that the only thing anyone wants to talk about lately?”
And she knew what his daughter had told her was true. “So you did talk to Caitlin about it?”
“What did she tell you?”
“That you promised her you wouldn’t have any more children.”
He frowned. “I wouldn’t say that I promised her.”
“But that was the gist of the conversation,” she said dully.
“Honey, I’m thirty-five years old—”
“Your brother’s six years older,” she pointed out.
“And too much in love with his wife to realize what he’s letting himself in for.” Then he seemed to realize the implications of what he’d said and pushed out of bed with a frustrated sigh.
She didn’t say anything. She wasn’t sure she could speak around the tightness in her throat, anyway.
“Damn it, Samara. I already have two kids and I’m still trying to figure out how to be a decent father to them without adding anything else to the mix.”
She just nodded.
She’d always thought she would have children someday. Every time she held one of her sisters’ babies in her arms, she reveled in the thought that one day she would have a baby of her own. When she’d accepted Kazuo’s proposal, she’d been giddy with thoughts of their future, the life they would build, the children they would have together. Then she’d learned of his betrayal, and her own dreams had started to fade away.
Being with Steven and his children these past few weeks, the dream had resurrected itself. Once again, she’d started to hope and imagine, to envision a future with him and his children, becoming a family. And maybe, someday, having Steven’s baby, a child of their own, a brother or sister for Caitlin and Tyler, living proof of their love for one another.
And once again, the rug had been yanked out from under her.
“Is having a baby all that important to you?”
She didn’t want to have a baby, she wanted to have his baby, but she doubted the distinction would mean anything to him right now. And ultimately, her answer would be the same anyway. “I want a family.”
He sighed wearily. “And I’m just not sure I want to go through all of that again.”
“You say ‘all of that’ as if it’s a chore—”
“Because I’ve been there,” he said. “And it’s a lot of work, and a lot of worry.”
“You’re right,” she said softly. “You have been there. And I can only imagine how incredible it would be to have a child with the man I love.”
It was the first time she’d spelled out her feelings for him, and he didn’t even seem to notice, and that hurt as much as anything.
“But even so,” she continued. “I wouldn’t consider it a huge sacrifice not to give birth to a child of my own if you were at least willing to open up and let me be a part of your family.”
“What are you talking about? I have let you into my family.”
But she knew that wasn’t true. She’d been invited into his home, but always treated as a guest. He talked to her about his children, but never considered her advice. And while she used to think that the biggest obstacle to their relationship was that his daughter didn’t respect her, she was starting to fear that the bigger obstacle was that he didn’t either.
Neither one of them mentioned that conversation again. It was as if they were both pretending it had never happened, hoping the issue would simply fade away. Instead, it seemed to grow bigger with each passing day.
On Wednesday, Steven invited Samara to go mini-putting with him and the kids. She accepted, and offered to cook them dinner. They were both making an effort, which he took as a positive sign that they could work out their differences. But then everything blew up in both of their faces when Caitlin and Tyler got home from school.
He had his laptop open at the breakfast bar and was catching up on his e-mails while Samara was chopping up vegetables for a stir-fry when the back door slammed open.
“Dad, are we—” the flow of Caitlin’s words stopped abruptly when she noticed Samara at the counter.
Tyler, oblivious to his sister’s reaction, filled the silence, chatting away to both adults for a few minutes before grabbing an apple from the bowl on the table and heading downstairs to his video games.
It was only when he was gone that Caitlin spoke again and then it was only two words, leveled at him in a cool accusatory tone. “You forgot.”
“What did I—” This time it was Steven who faltered, as he suddenly remembered what he’d forgotten.
Caitlin’s eyes filled with tears before she turned and ran out of the house.
Steven swore under his breath and went after her.
Samara could hear them outside. She couldn’t hear what was said, but she could tell that Caitlin was furious. Steven sounded weary. Then Caitlin stormed through the kitchen
again, past Samara without even an acknowledgement that she was there, and up the stairs. Samara gave Steven another few minutes before she ventured outside to find him.
He was sitting on the porch steps, his forearms braced on his knees, his hands hanging between them, his gaze focused somewhere in the distance.
After a moment’s hesitation, she sat beside him.
He shifted to look at her then, and she saw that he wasn’t just unhappy, he was completely miserable. “I think we’re going to have to take a rain check on tonight.”
She nodded, having already figured as much.
“Liz’s birthday,” he explained. “That’s what I forgot.”
“Oh,” she said, though she’d figured it was something like that as well.
“Caitlin thought we would be going to the cemetery, to take flowers, like we’ve always done.”
“Except that you didn’t always live seven hundred miles away.”
“Yeah, I guess she didn’t think that part through.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “Jesus. After fifteen years…I can’t believe I forgot.”
“You’re human,” Samara pointed out gently.
He shook his head. “She’s furious with me right now.”
“It seems that she’s angry with you a lot of the time,” she noted.
If he heard her comment, he chose to ignore it, only repeating, “I can’t believe I forgot.”
But Samara knew the forgetting wasn’t the worst of his sins—not as far as Caitlin was concerned. No, far worse than letting his dead wife’s birthday slip his mind was inviting Samara into his home. The birthday, she knew, was just a convenient excuse for her outrage. Of course, she couldn’t say any of that to Steven. He was too busy beating himself up to see what was happening. His next words only confirmed it.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, how to make this up to her.”
“Why do you feel it’s something you have to make up for?”
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