by V.J. Goll
Eleven
The clink of the chemistry beaker caused me to look up at her. We both were alone in our make up laboratory pretty much. The teacher assistant just sat in the corner looking over some papers to grade. I will just call them TA. I could tell something was troubling her.
"What is on your mind?" I asked her feeling tired. I knew something was bothering her. This lab was taking forever to finish.
"Can-" she started as if she was a child debating whether she was about to ask a stupid question, "can people be good?" She stared at the beaker. She wouldn't even look at me. I could see that her hands was shaking slightly. It took courage for her to ask.
"Can people be good?" I asked her feeling a little off guard that she asked this, "can people be good? Can bad people be good? Can you be good? Can I be good?"
She was silent. I saw her emotion in her eyes. I felt bad.
"We can't," I said to her gently, "but, we can try to be good."
The TA looked over us talking. I slid a piece of paper in front of me. I was solving the molar ratio that it took from the titration. The solution was slight pink. I don't know how we paid attention with that deep of a conversation, but Mara turned it off manually. I clicked my tongue as I looked at the computer results. They were not significantly different since we had to enter the volume measurements. I could see what a nightmare it was preventing human error in electronical and manual titration. Yet, I knew with the solution being slight pink. Our results were fine. Sometimes, chemistry really does win over stupidity.
My googles were digging into my face. I knew I was going to be made fun for having google lines. Being rule compliant, I did not want to take them off. It was not worth getting acid to my face someday. We are truly stupid as a human species.
"Mara," I said to her, "your father is going to be here to visit the Pasture right?"
She looked at me oddly from her books. "Why?" she asked me.
"Because if we can get ahold of his keys," I said to her, "we can get your paperwork and stuff from his house."
"But, how?" she asked me. I could see that she was in slight agreement.
"We have someone else fetch them and make copies," I said to her.
"You know if you get caught," she said to me, "he won't be lenient."
I sighed. I was always a rule follower, but I have given up on it now. Sometimes, following the rules isn't worth it. I don't know why, but a plan was concocting in my head. It was going to work. It had to work.
I knew that Mara and me were too suspicious. We couldn't be anywhere near the keys, but I knew someone else who could.
I unlocked my phone and sent a text. I was not going to lie to her. I was going to explain what I can without giving too much away. I knew there was a reason why we kept walking into each other. For some odd reason, it felt like this was it.
Bear met me on the sidewalk to the bridge on campus. She looked at me curiously. I could tell that she sensed that I was not going to ask something light. We waited for people to walk pass us. Then, she said to me, "is this related to advocacy?" Her voice was quiet. I nodded watching another group approaching us. We both were being careful.
I started to walk keeping movement happening. It was easier to have these kind of conversations while being mobile. It doesn't give people the advantage of listening to you well because if they do, they have to follow.
"I need you to do something to help someone," I said, "it is a huge favor, and I honestly did not want to ask it."
"I know," said Bear to me, "it is like that I am like a GPS to the satellite to you. I don't know why, but it seems that something has drawn us together. So, if it to help, it must be important. You can tell me."
I nodded, feeling humbled. I knew how scarce resources were. Bear and I started to walk around campus. I told her everything. She just listened to me. When I was done explaining, she looked at me.
"Don't worry, Ally," she said to me, "I got this." I was right. I know I could add details, but I want to be careful about how we did it. The less that I give you, the better is for the one that I want to protect. Bear slipped the keys out of his pocket and apparently had a friend who was a locksmith that made copies.
I looked at her confused when she gave them to me. I was wondering what she did to do it.
"Don't underestimate people, Ally," she said to me. I looked at her, not expecting it.
"Thank you," I said.
"Just promise me," said Bear, "one thing."
"What is it?" I asked her feeling tired.
"When you get her out of here," she said to me, "you get out of here, too. I can hear them talk, Ally. You both don't deserve to be in this place. They say bad things about you. You deserve to be happy, too."
I nodded. I didn't expect myself to leave also. I looked at the envelope with the keys in it. I knew it was a sinking ship here. I was trying to get a job here, but there was a lot of personal politics and prejudice. I sighed. Perhaps, I should leave. I don't know.
The dorms were closed. I curled up in my car. I didn't want to go home to the house being destroyed, the fighting and blame. I didn't want to stay here in this environment. Ever since I saw Mrs. K's smile, everything around me had become infected. It was no longer a place to hope. Dreams couldn't exist here.
I don’t know why, but I choose not to go home when break came from school. I drove. I just didn’t know my destination, but I knew it was somewhere northward. I went up north. My car rattled and groaned through that drive. I know it took me a half of a day. I didn’t need a hotel room because I slept in the car, but I was so determined to free myself and free Mara from the south. I just drove to this place. As soon as I parked in a parking space, my engine light came on. I couldn’t describe the despair that I felt at that moment, but somehow, I shrugged it as I slammed the car door shut.
All I remember being super significant about my surroundings in this moment was that the ground was soft. The ground was dark. It wasn't the slippery red clay that plagued almost everywhere I went south. It felt unusual. It felt significant as I walked across the park grass. I felt it soaking my tennis shoes with the meadow. It felt familiar. I felt as if I had been to this place previously, I kept walking. Like a child, I knew the directions. Let an adult, I had the bravery to walk towards where it was leading me. I saw a park bench. It was a black metal park bench with flower weavings within it. I touched it to see if it was wet, but it was oddly dry. Someone must have been here before me and dried it. I didn't know.
The sun was finally rising to its full circular glory when I sat on a park bench eating a cheap bagel that was on sale from a store. I don't know how to describe myself in this moment. I know my clothes were a little wrinkled. My hair was slightly tangled. My breath was probably not lady like, and I wasn't helping it by eating an onion bagel. I sipped a small free cup of coffee that I obtained from the same store. Onion and coffee breath it was. I probably looked tired. I knew I had bags under my eyes. I was exhausted waiting on whatever it was for me to find in that moment. It felt like forever while I looked. Then, I closed my eyes. I was too exhausted to speak. I was too tired to tell God what I needed. I just wanted one thing to change the narrative. I wanted one thing to change the story that was unfolding. Life cannot be this hard. I refuse to accept it.
Then, I opened my eyes, and she was next to me. She was a women of short stature, but someone who definitely had some authority over people in this world. I guess you could say that she was a business woman. She wore business clothing. Her skirt was black with nylon stockings. Her shoes matched. She wore a nice blouse with a black jacket to match her attire. I cannot recall the color of her blouse.
"It is a cold morning, isn't it?" she said to me. It wasn't asked. It was a statement. She wanted to talk. Being socially stupid as I was, I could tell from her tone.
I was not looking at the strange lady at this point when I glanced at her.
"I guess so," I said, "I am not used to the parts out here."
"Whe
re are you from?" she asked me.
I told her.
"What you think about here?" she asked me. She looked curious.
"It is alright," I said. My voice was rough.
"Would a job make it more than alright?" she said to me.
I blinked looking at her. She could not be seriously asking this right now.
The thing is about this lady. I will call her S. Not because she is like everyone else or have a bunch of people like her, it is because she is rare. She didn’t pass judgment. I felt as if she could size a person and see what their worth was.
No one ever tells you about the fear that you feel as you wait for a call back on a job. It is your first job, and it is needed job. I could feel anxiety racing and wrecking out on my internal organs as I sat and watched my phone. I finally made myself move by walking to the store where I got the coffee and bagel.
“Where is the closest print and copy store?” I asked the clerk after buying another cheap disposable food item.
“About 30 minutes out,” she said to me. I knew my car was on the empty light. Was it worth gambling on with the high gas prices? I knew it wasn’t ideal.
I may not have been intellectually smart, but I was problem solving smart.
The things that I learned from being disabled and poor. Rules are relative. I went back and grabbed some cheap resume paper knowing I was spending what I would have spent in gas. I just walked to the local library in the early morning hours knowing that there was not enough people to pay attention. I changed the paper out in the printer, and I printed some copies of the resumes. It was enough to handle where I was going. I paid the front desk in change. It was still cheaper. My phone rang while I was printing. I bit my lip letting the call go to voicemail. It was an unknown number. I wasn't sure if the fates were going to be cruel to me. When you have hearing loss, you let things go to voicemail, not unless you know the person really well. It is because you can listen to it over and over again till you get it right. When I stepped out of the library, I was carefully holding my resume. I listened to it. It was a callback about a job. I called back accepting it. It was contractual work.
"Hi Allison," said the manager to me, "I have been expecting you." Again, I am not giving you many details because I don't want to compromise Mara's safety. There is so much that I would tell you if you were my friend, but I can't. I am sworn to it.
"Thank you," I said, "I am glad to be here and let me know if there is anything that I need to know."
Work was different than what I expected. Everything was lined out like an assembly line. I was part of the assembly line moving things along. I got lost in the work. I won't give too much about it till the end. It was different. I felt calm during all of it. It didn't cause me anxiety like advocacy did.
"So, how do you like the job?" asked S to me. I felt weird in her office. My slightly wrinkled work clothing seemed a bit out of place. I was dressed in the blue scrubs. I knew better than to wear the clothing that I had from yesterday. She arranged to meet me after work. She seemed interested about me. I guess to say about the office it was small. It was large enough to fit probably a few people, but she had a desk that was organized and in order.
"I liked it," I said with a smile. I didn’t know why I was still standing. S gestured to chair indicating that I could sit. I sat feeling my cheeks go red. It was weird talking to her. It was almost as if I was being treated like a person. Maybe, I was a person here.
"Until you are moved up here," she said to me, "do you think you can work the weekends?" I had already researched the train routes and realized that I could just ride the trains into the destination. It was a little known fact that the small railroad in that small town down south transported people to the main rail lines that connected the states. I was grateful that they just had it up and running in this time.
"I can do that," I said to her. The words felt foreign coming out of my mouth. I was trying to rationalize what was happening. This was all unbelievable. I earned enough to rent a small room in a house that was near where I was working.
“One last thing,” she said to me, “are you hiding from something?”
I looked at her sadly. I knew I cleared the background checks. “Trying to,” I said tiredly.
“Then, you don’t worry about here,” she said to me, “I will take care of it.” She had kind eyes at this moment. I felt at ease with her. S and I would grow closer through the years as I would slowly start to tell her about my past, but then, I didn’t say too much because I knew my body language was enough of an answer. I just needed to worry about myself. She would want that. She slid a paycheck across the table. It was processed fast, but I think she knew I needed the money. I had worked more than full time during these week, and I knew we were meeting late. She made time to meet me so late when the offices were just closing.
I cashed the check and curled up in my car that was still parked at the park. I was tired, but I wanted to pray.
"Thank you, Lord," I said to him, "thank you for this one bread crumb and letting it be enough to keep me full. Thank you for guiding me to drive out here and providing enough for me to be sufficient. Thank you for going ahead of me and preparing the way even though I do not know the way to go. Thank you for helping me have the drive to hope in a future, to engage in a future. Without you, I am nothing." I started to cry. I knew only God could have opened these doors. I knew only God could have led me right time and right place to this destination. I knew only God was encouraging me to leave.
I was tired, but I could feel God's hands on my back pushing me forward. He was keeping me from falling backwards. He was keeping me from slipping. I remember some words in the Bible that a king once spoke to the Lord. I said to him:
"Do not let your enemies overcome you, oh, Lord, by oppressing me," I said. My voice was too tired to carry onwards. I was at God's mercy and the World's mercy, but I knew. Something in me knew that I was going to overcome. Something in me knew that this way the way.
I stopped spending time at the University on the weekends. I started to move stuff up north by hoping the train from the one state stop. Each time, I packed the suitcase with a little bit of my stuff and Mara's stuff. I worked there on the weekends making enough money to keep where I was living. I brought a bunk bed off of the ads with twin mattresses. It was enough for our tiny room. I knew that we had to make the most of our space.
It is funny how things can work themselves out on their own. It might not be a perfect solution, but I knew one day that I was going to have to quit being an advocate and give everything up. Admittedly, there was something peaceful about the work that I was doing. It helped clear my mind when I was working. I came home late Sunday morning when Mara looked at me. I realized she had been staying up thinking about this also.
"When do you want to leave?" she asked me. I was ready to leave.
"After the COATS speech," I said to her.