Almost relieved, Lilith lay back down. Not everyone shared Mitan’s ideas. There was more shouting outside. It sounded like there was a fight. The guards didn’t succeed in calming down the Jakobinians. Lilith pulled as many blankets over her head as she could and softly hummed to herself.
Several hours later, Lilith was forced to her feet and dragged out of the tent. For the first time in days she was outside again. Everywhere in the camp there were campfires and burning torches. The light was reflected in the many puddles of water. The clouds overhead were pitch-black. Ever since Kasimirh’s death, the sun hadn’t shown itself. The monotony of the prolonged dusk was only relieved by the dark hours of the night.
A cart was standing ready. Lilith was lifted onto it. Four soldiers lined up along both sides of the cart. They carried large shields. Men and women were looking while Lilith was taken away. They threw stones at her that bounced off the shields.
Lilith shivered. Had Tokala built an execution spot outside the camp? Were these the last moments of her life?
37
The soldiers brought Lilith to Nadesh. At the Fountain of Origin, they helped her off the cart. It was much quieter in this camp. Lilith saw about a dozen people in the distance before she was pushed into a tent.
A whole day passed, and no one came to visit her. This close to where Jakob had created the world, Jakob spoke even louder to Lilith. The only way to ignore his voice was to hurt herself. Lilith had scratched open her right forearm with a stick. From there on, she could use her nails to make the wound bigger.
The flap of the tent was opened. Lilith quickly covered her arm with her sleeve and looked up. She recognized the soldier as one of Tokala’s guards. He beckoned her to follow him. Lilith reluctantly got up. Outside, there were three more guards.
As she was led through the camp, Lilith was followed by many Jakobinian eyes. There wasn’t any screaming or crying any more, now there was whispering instead. Someone fell to his knees in the mud. Lilith bowed her head. The rain ran down her neck into her clothes. It didn’t matter. She was already soaked to the skin.
The soldiers pushed her into a large tent. A fire radiated a pleasant warmth. Next to the fire, blankets and clothes were hanging out to dry. There were rugs on the floor, but the intricate patterns on them were largely invisible because of the mud trampled into them.
The tent was lavishly furnished, but Lilith’s attention was drawn by the two men waiting for her. Tokala was one of them. He was pacing up and down the tent, but stopped to look at her as soon as she entered. There was a man sitting at the table. He looked like Tokala, but he was older.
Tokala clenched the back of the man’s chair. “Kasimirh taught me about the end of the world. It was as if he was recalling a memory. The water in the rivers would continue to rise and it wouldn’t stop raining.” Tokala briefly looked away. “But now that it has come this far, nothing else is happening. It’s raining but the lands aren’t flooded. The rivers overflowed their banks, but as soon as the fighting stopped, they calmed down. They haven’t gone back to normal, though. The rivers are like guards: waiting to spring into action, but urged to remain calm by their leaders. I can see the water swirling beneath the surface. At the slightest instigation the frenzy will be released. And then we’ll all die.”
Lilith frowned.
“What is Lord Jakob waiting for?” Tokala asked.
“How am I supposed to know that?”
“I think he’s waiting for your execution. If only I knew for sure whether your death will calm down the water or if it will be the reason for Lord Jakob to destroy the world.”
Lilith cast down her eyes. “Lord Jakob has never shown any concern for me during my lifetime. My death will be of no consequence to Him.”
“It is said that Lord Jakob helped you kill Kasimirh,” Tokala said. He gave her an inquisitive look. “Do you believe that as well?”
Lilith nodded. “Without His help I would never have been able to defeat Kasimirh.”
The other man shook his head contemptuously. “She’s making up stories to escape her punishment.” He leaned towards her. “Why did you kill Kasimirh? Are you after his power?”
“No!” Lilith said. “Kasimirh took away my freedom. I fled to the other side of the world, but that still wasn’t far enough. I had no choice but to kill him. All I wanted was to be free.”
“There are Jakobinians who believe that you’re the new prophet,” Tokala said softly. “Mitan is convinced. I questioned every soldier who was there when Kasimirh died. Their stories accord with one another, and they are very convincing.”
“They are fools,” Lilith said emphatically.
“See,” the older man said to Tokala. “She isn’t the prophet. You have to kill her. That’s the only way to save the world. She has to die, in order for us to live.”
“It isn’t that simple, Zuzeca,” Tokala said. “For years, I’ve lived according to God’s will. Before I can make a decision, I need to be sure about Jakob’s intentions.”
Zuzeca huffed disdainfully. “The people want to see their leader’s killer punished. If you don’t punish her, you’ll lose everything you’ve worked for all these years. I speak from experience. Where matters of great import are concerned, it is sometimes necessary to give the people what they want.”
“The people are divided, so half of them will turn against me anyway, no matter what I decide.”
Zuzeca shook his head. “Jakob has no plans for Lilith, otherwise she would have known. Jakob doesn’t speak through her, but through what is happening outside. The water is His voice. He’s bombarding you with His message, but you fail to understand it.”
Tokala started pacing the room again. He looked at Lilith and pointed at a chair. She reluctantly sat down. Tokala took a seat as well. He looked away and tapped his middle finger on the table.
“It would be a great mistake to have the new prophet executed,” he said, eyeing her inquisitively.
“I’m not the new prophet,” Lilith snapped. She was startled by the intensity of her own voice.
“I can have a random soldier brought in here. If I were to ask him whether he was the new prophet, he would gladly confirm it. Especially when I tell him that he’ll be executed if he’s not the prophet.”
“Then why don’t you? Pick a suitable person and appoint him the new prophet. Perhaps it’ll satisfy Jakob.” She crossed her arms. “But leave me alone.”
“The harder you deny it, the more convinced I am that you are the prophet,” Tokala leaned back, looking satisfied.
“Why do you so badly want me to assume that role?” Lilith asked.
Tokala cast down his eyes. Lilith, however, had already seen the answer.
“You don’t want the world to end, because it would mean that you’ve failed. If I take on this role, there’s still hope for the world.”
Tokala nodded.
Lilith shook her head. “Believe me. You don’t want me as your prophet.”
Tokala frowned.
“You know what I am, don’t you?” Lilith asked.
“A dragon woman,” Tokala answered.
“Many of your followers have seen me. They would call me a monster.”
There was a prolonged silence. Lilith looked at the fire. The flames crackled. A piece of wood fell apart. She lowered her eyes, but the flames kept dancing in front of them. Among the flames, she saw burning people. They screamed until their last breath.
“Did you ever trie to stop Kasimirh?” Lilith asked.
Tokala shook his head.
“How could you condone his actions?”
“It was meant to be.”
“Apparently it wasn’t, otherwise Kasimirh would still be alive.”
Tokala nodded. “Does that mean that Kasimirh went too far or that he didn’t go far enough?”
“I think it took too long and therefore it’s time for a new leader. I have the power to wipe out all disbelievers, so that the small group of survivors can build a n
ew world.” Lilith said, as a shiver ran down her spine.
“I told Kasimirh several times that he wasn’t achieving success fast enough,” Zuzeca said. “And now it turns out that I was right.”
Tokala was lost in thought. Lilith bowed her head. She scratched her arm. She surreptitiously cast a glance at Tokala. His elbows were leaning on the table. His hands supported his head.
“You deny being the prophet, because you don’t want to be the prophet. Not because you aren’t,” Tokala whispered.
Lilith drove her nails into the wound.
“But there is no choice,” he said. “You can’t ignore Jakob’s will.”
“No one in this world is free.” She looked up at Tokala. “That’s what Kasimirh told me. No one is free, because we all must devote ourselves to God. I, however, refuse to do so. I do have a choice, and that’s the one you give to all disbelievers. It’s best for everyone if I die. Therefore, I’ll deny being the prophet until my death.”
Tokala looked at her pleadingly. “You can’t abandon us.”
Lilith was becoming more and more disgusted by him. “You’d even follow me if I burned everyone.”
Tokala nodded.
“Why?”
“It’s God’s will.”
Lilith shook her head. “But it isn’t what I want.”
“You’ll destroy the world with your decision,” Tokala said in dismay.
Lilith shook her head again. “No, I won’t. Jakob will destroy the world.”
“I don’t understand you. You can save the world, yet you refuse to.”
“The world isn’t a nice place, lord Tokala. The question is why I’d want to save the world in the first place.”
Tokala was looking desperate. Lilith expected him to fall to his knees at any second.
“Why are you so worried about the end of the world, any way?” she asked. “You’ll go to heaven.”
“Will I? Jakob clearly isn’t happy if He destroys the world.”
The rain became heavier. Tokala looked up. “There’s so little time,” he mumbled. Lilith could hardly hear him because of the rain thrumming on the tent.
“There’s only one thing you can do, Tokala,” Zuzeca said. “You now know what Jakob wants. You don’t need her to fulfil the assignment. Get her out of the way. Burn down Merzia. The people will eventually come to you to be converted. Jakob will realize that the world doesn’t need to be destroyed.”
Tokala hesitated.
“I’m a more experienced leader,” Zuzeca said. “Trust my judgement, son.”
Tokala stared at Lilith. He nodded slowly. “You leave me no other choice. Your execution will take place the day after tomorrow. My people will rejoice, but I will mourn you.” He turned around. “And pray that Jakob forgives me.”
38
Lilith was walking in circles inside the tent. She was swinging her arms to get herself warm, but also to get rid of the restlessness in her body. Someone entered. Lilith only saw a shadow against an orange light. She heard a ticking noise. She recognized the sound of two beads colliding with each other.
“Az-Zhara?”
Lilith stood still and looked at him. Almor appeared from behind him. He was carrying a lantern.
“Father!” She hugged him. She felt his shoulders shaking. “How did you get here?”
“We kicked up a row and didn’t stop until they allowed us to spend this night with you,” Az-Zhara said, his voice more husky than usual.
Lilith rubbed her father’s back until he calmed down a little. She freed herself from him and threw herself into Az-Zhara’s arms.
“I’m sorry that it has to be this way,” Lilith said. “I hope you understand.”
Almor shook his head. “Why don’t you just play along? You’ll be wealthy. You deserve this after everything that has happened.”
“It’s not a game. Jakob really wants me to become his new prophet.” Lilith broke free from the embrace, but kept holding Az-Zhara’s hand. Only now did she notice that her father was wearing a stole. “You converted?” she asked, astonished.
Almor took off the stole and threw it on the floor. “I didn’t want to die, so they wrote my name in the water. Nevertheless, I still believe that Jakob doesn’t exist.”
“He does, father. It’s no longer a belief, I’m certain of it. God exists and He wants me to lead the Jakobinians. Over the past few days, Jakob has spoken to me continuously.”
“Jakob wants you to do this and yet you’re refusing?” Az-Zhara asked softly.
Lilith nodded.
He laughed briefly. “You really have changed. When you came to me, you were looking for someone to help you free yourself. Now you’re revolting against Jakob, and all by yourself, no less.” His face turned sad. “It’s horrifying that this means that you’re going to die.”
“But why do you refuse?” Almor asked.
Lilith hid her face in her hands and started walking again. “Doesn’t anyone understand why Jakob has chosen me?” she asked. “There’s only one reason why anyone has ever been interested in me: because of my power.”
“That’s not true,” Az-Zhara said.
“Except for you, of course.” Lilith sighed. “Jakob’s interest in me doesn’t even come close. He’s looking for a weapon.” She pointed at herself.
Almor grabbed her arm and made her stop. “It’s your only chance to survive.”
Lilith nodded. “The execution is Jakob’s way to force me. He doesn’t understand, however, that I will die any way.” She pulled back her arm and rubbed it.
Az-Zhara shook his head. “You’ve been through so much for a fresh start, and now that everything is over and done with, you just give up?”
“What else can I do? I fled from Kasimirh because I no longer wanted to use my power to hurt people. If I give in to Jakob, He’ll make me do the exact same thing.”
“How can you be sure about that?” Az-Zhara asked. “Maybe Jakob is a merciful God.”
“If Jakob’s so merciful, then why did I have to kill Kasimirh?” Lilith asked.
“He’s still giving the people a chance. He could have destroyed the world by now,” Az-Zhara said.
Lilith shrugged. “If only He had.”
“Then everybody would die,” Az-Zhara said in dismay. “And everyone would go to hell.”
Lilith shrugged again. She rubbed her forehead, but couldn’t make the headache go away that she had been suffering for days.
“What you are doing is selfish, Lilith,” Az-Zhara said, sounding disappointed. He paced up and down, shaking his head. Lilith heard the ticking of his beads. “You deprive everyone of their lives because you’re being stubborn. You rob Almor of his daughter, and me…”
“Why don’t you understand that I’m not doing this just for me? I don’t want you to see the monster that I’ll turn into. Most people will die soon anyway, whether I become the prophet or not, but if I have to carry out Jakob’s sentence, it’ll be a tremendously painful death.”
“You don’t have the right to decide for us,” Az-Zhara said. “You can’t make me not want to get to know you better. You can’t rob people of their lives, because it suits you.”
Lilith grabbed hold of him. “You were disgusted by what Kasimirh did. I would be even worse. Hell is at least better than what I’d do to the world if I became the prophet.”
Az-Zhara shook his head. He moved Lilith’s right hand towards him. He rolled up her sleeve and caressed the scar on her wrist. “Tell me how you got this scar.”
Lilith followed the movements of his fingers with her eyes. “You know the story.” She tried to pull her hand away, but Az-Zhara held tight.
“I want you to tell me again. One day you destroyed a village.”
Lilith swallowed. “Kasimirh justified my actions by telling me that the people would attack me if I didn’t kill them first. These people, however, weren’t scared of me. It seemed as if they were happy to see me. Nevertheless, I carried out my assignment.” She clenched
her fists and rapidly breathed through her nose. She looked up at Az-Zhara. “Before the people even understood what was happening, I obliterated them. Some of the villagers were waving at me as I incinerated them. Men, women, children. I couldn’t get rid of the images; they stayed with me all the way back home. I hated myself. I hated Kasimirh. He came to me and gave me a knife. I felt that death was the only solution, so I slit my wrist.”
“But you’re still alive.”
Lilith averted her head. “I was too much of a coward to do it right.”
“No, that’s not the reason. Something powerful kept you alive.”
“Fear! Fear of hell,” Lilith screamed.
“Hope,” Az-Zhara said. “You trusted that there was another life for you. You hoped to be able to flee. Hope kept you alive and ultimately brought you on the right track.”
Lilith shook her head. She hid her face behind her hand. “But you also know what I did after my attempted suicide. I killed my mother. Why was her life worth less than mine?”
Az-Zhara laid his hand on her shoulder and caressed her neck with his thumb. “If you die tomorrow, you deprive this world of the one thing that kept you alive back then. You don’t have the right to do that.”
Lilith pushed him away. “If I believed that I would be better than Kasimirh, I’d choose to live. Even if I thought it to be a small chance.”
“But this isn’t just about you, Lilith. We can also make choices that can change the world. No God can steal our dreams.”
“What good are dreams when your life’s a nightmare?”
“Hope can only exist as long as there’s life. There’ll always be people who have the power to fight for that dream. Therefore, life under the worst prophet is always better than roaming around in hell for eternity.”
Lilith bowed her head. “What I’m about to do tomorrow, is something I should have done ages ago. It would have saved the lives of thousands of people. Tomorrow, I won’t be a coward.” She swallowed.
Born in Light Page 25