by Megan Hart
It took only a few minutes to renew her library card and get it updated with new privileges. She found a spot in a computer carrel and settled in, first pulling up the parent portal and trying once more to log in with the credentials they’d sent home. Again, she got bumped out with an error. She tried another browser, frustrated. She requested a change of password and answered the security questions to reset it.
Next, Marian pulled up a new browser window and typed in a search for the local Merchandiser paper. They often listed part-time and work-from-home jobs. Most of them were scams, but there might be something in there.
“Marian?”
She’d just been closing out of the computer, and at the sound of her name, turned. The blonde woman with a toddler on her hip did not at first look familiar, but after a blink or two, Marian knew her. “Jody! Omigod!”
“I thought that was you! It’s been forever! What have you been up to?”
A discreet cough and a glare from the librarian had both women in giggles, a throwback to their middle school days. They moved to the library’s foyer. It had been a couple years since they last ran into each other, but they caught up quickly.
“We should get together,” Jody said decisively. “I mean, it’s ridiculous, we both still live in town, and it’s been ages. I’ve just been so busy being a mother.… I mean, I love my kids but damn, I just want to pee by myself once in a while. Angie and I have been trying to get a girls’ night out going regularly for the past year or so, but it’s so hard to schedule. Everyone’s got stuff going on.”
“Right,” Marian agreed, although the truth was that she rarely had any stuff going on. Dean working nights was part of the reason for that, but what other excuse did she have, beyond having a basically solitary nature? “I was just thinking the other day about how I should try to get in touch with some people I haven’t seen in a long time.”
Jody nodded firmly and shifted her small daughter to her other hip. “It’s done.”
* * *
“Are you sure you’re going to be all right?” Marian set Briella’s backpack on the floor by the front door. The girl had insisted on bringing it so she could share her projects with her grandfather.
Marian’s father nodded and smiled, an arm around Briella’s shoulders. “Of course we will. Won’t we, dolly?”
Briella grinned, leaning into him. “Yep.”
“Okay. Bean, don’t wear him out. Dad, I’m only going to be out for a few hours. But text me right away if you need me to come home earlier.”
Tomorrow, Parkhaven had something called a planned V day. The V was for virtual, a day when the kids stayed home and worked on their assignments via their school-provided laptops so the teachers could meet about grades. This had worked out great, because it meant that Marian wouldn’t have to get up early to make sure Briella got the van on time. This didn’t mean she planned to be out late enough for it to matter.
“Was a time when you’d argue with me about staying out as late as you could.” Her father laughed and looked down at Briella fondly. “We’ll all be just fine.”
Marian hesitated, something familiar in her dad’s words that she couldn’t put her finger on. “Bean, be good.”
“Oh, she’ll be good,” Marian’s father said. “She’s a good girl in her heart.”
Marian was still pondering this conversation when she pulled into the parking lot of the Blue Hen, a local pub that had been around forever. She and Dean used to hang out there when they first started dating. The place had changed a lot since then. New menu, craft beers, a big deck out back, that sort of thing.
She spotted Jody and Angie right away and waved. They’d grabbed a table for six toward the back. Both already had drinks as Marian slid into a chair.
“Hey!” Marian said and laughed as the server appeared at once with a drinks menu. “Wow. Okay.”
“Dive right in,” Angie offered.
Jody nodded. “God, I need this.”
Three other friends from high school showed up in another few minutes. Marian had bumped into Rasheda, Denise and Jenn a few times over the years, and as with Jody and Angie, they all fell into laughter and reminiscing.
“I haven’t been out like this in forever. My husband works nights and most weekends,” Marian said, three-quarters of her cocktail finished. It had warmed her inside. Buzzed in her head.
“Wish mine did,” Jenn said with a sour grimace.
The conversation turned to husbands, children. Good-natured complaining, for the most part, although Marian sensed a deeper dissatisfaction in Jenn. They ordered appetizers. Another round of drinks. Marian hadn’t felt this light-hearted in a long, long time.
She lifted her glass. “I’m so glad we did this!”
The sentiment was echoed around the table. Marian checked the time and for any messages from her father, but her phone remained silent. When she made to leave, the protests from the other women convinced her to stay just a little longer.
“I’m not ready to go home yet,” said Jenn. “Is it terrible for me to admit that I love my kids, but they’re making me crazy?”
Silence for a moment or so as they all looked at each other.
“If it makes you terrible then I’m even worse. I actually found myself thinking last week that I was sorry I’d ever had my third.” Jody hiccuped and tossed back the rest of her drink, then gave the rest of the table a guilty look.
Marian sat up straight. “I’ve been avoiding friends and getting a job and basically keeping myself alienated from everyone but my husband because I don’t want to have to tell anyone that I am afraid of my kid. Not afraid of my kid. Afraid for her. No, no, that’s not right. I’m…afraid that I’m messing her up. That the reason she struggles is because of something I did wrong.”
She was buzzed, she realized as everyone at the table stared at her with wide eyes. She would have to drink some water. It was a good thing she’d told Dad she was going to be a little later – she’d need to let this fade before she could drive back to his house.
“Sorry,” Marian said. “Liquor loosens lips, I guess.”
“I think we all worry about that. Being the reason our kids are fucked up. I mean, my mom’s the reason I’m fucked up,” Angie said, but with a laugh and a shake of her head that made it clear she wasn’t completely serious.
Relieved, Marian let the conversation turn away from her own internal mess. More drinks arrived. She was glad she’d come out tonight. Glad she’d said what she did, not only for the support but because admitting it aloud had been like ripping off a bandage covering an old wound that wouldn’t heal.
“I can’t,” she said when the server arrived to ask if they wanted another round. “I really have to be able to drive home soon.”
“Take a Ryde,” Angie urged her when she said this. “I had my hubs drop me off, but I plan on calling for a car to get home. You can leave your car here and pick it up in the morning.”
“I’m a little old to be getting too hammered to drive on a Thursday night,” Marian protested with the suspicion it was already too late.
Rasheda shook her head. “Bite your tongue!”
“I’m ordering you another drink if the waitress comes back before you do,” Jenn said.
Marian made it to the bathroom, laughing to herself and weaving only a little. It wasn’t until she was heading back to the table that she spotted Tommy leaning on the bar. He’d shaved and had a haircut. He cleaned up nice, she thought begrudgingly, hoping he didn’t see her.
Of course, he did. “Fancy meeting you here.”
“I’m having a girls’ night out,” Marian said with as much dignity as she could, considering she was having trouble not giggling.
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m buzzed,” she said, lifting a finger to admonish him.
“Buzzed and out with the girls. What d
oes Dean think about it?” Tommy smirked.
Marian had not thought to text Dean any updates. He was at work and likely wouldn’t check his phone anyway. She gave Tommy an arched eyebrow. “What’s it to you?”
“Just curious.” Tommy raised his hands. “Don’t bite my head off.”
“I’m going to get back to my friends.”
“Mare,” he called after her before she got more than a couple steps away. “Hey. How’s the kid?”
“She’s fine. Doing great, actually.”
He nodded. “We should get together. Talk about her.”
“Sure.” She felt agreeable right now. Warm and fuzzy and buzzy and muzzy-headed. Not in the mood to argue with her ex.
Back at the table, they had indeed ordered her another drink. Her phone hummed with a voicemail from her father’s missed call. He assured her that all was well, she didn’t need to rush home. Encouraged her, in fact, to stay out later. Marian checked the time again. It was only ten o’clock.
The final drink did her in. Even with the water and cheese sticks, she was way too buzzed to drive. The gathering was breaking up, everyone whipping out their phones to call for rides – the problem nobody had anticipated was that there weren’t enough cars for all of them. Marian, who’d had to download the app before she could try to get a Ryde, was looking at a forty-minute wait before anyone could get to her.
But, there was Tommy.
He’d been chatting up a slim redhead in a too-tight T-shirt, but when Marian walked up to him, he turned. “What’s up?”
“Could you give me a ride to my dad’s house?”
Tommy laughed. “The hell? Mare?”
“I drank too much.” She leaned around him to wave a hand toward the younger woman. “Don’t mind me. I just need a ride. I’m the baby mama. No drama.”
The other woman’s expression creased into dismay, but Tommy turned on the charm. “I’ll call you later.”
When she’d gone, Marian burst into laughter. She had to hold on to the bar to keep herself from swaying. “Sorry. Did I cockblock you?”
“I wasn’t going to take her home.” Tommy put a hand on her shoulder. “Steady, there.”
“I tried to call for a Ryde, you know, that car app thing. But there weren’t any. I need to get home. I mean back to my dad’s. He’s watching Briella. But I told him I’d be home, not too late. It’s not too late, right?” She tried to shake off the pervasive, lingering, boozy feeling, but it had been so long since she’d had more than a glass or two of wine that she was having a hard time.
“I can drive you. No worries. I’m not a total asshole.”
“No,” Marian said after a second. “No, you’re not.”
Chapter Nineteen
“Reminds me of all those times I snuck you home after curfew,” Tommy said as they pulled into the driveway.
Marian laughed. Inside the house, the flickering blue light of the TV shone through the front windows. She had not yet sobered up, although her head was aching a little and her stomach wasn’t too happy with her, either.
“That was a long time ago,” she said.
“Don’t go in just yet.” At the sight of her narrowed eyes, Tommy added, “I want to hear about Briella.”
Marian looked again toward the house. “I should get in there.”
“You’re not driving home tonight, right?”
“Of course not.”
“So you have a few minutes,” Tommy said. “It’s not even midnight, Mare. Talk to me.”
He’d always been so charming. Certain of getting his way. Marian stifled a yawn and assessed her need to pee. She gave Tommy a glance.
“Ten minutes,” she told him.
“I want to know what’s going on at Parkhaven,” he said.
She gave him a steady look. “You said you were going to come around more often. Briella doesn’t notice, Tommy, but I do.”
“Been busy. I do mean to. Hey. I’m here now, right? Asking you about her? Trying to stay informed?”
“It’s not the same,” she told him, “but then I’m not surprised.”
“You always were more honest when you’d been drinking.”
Marian laughed. “You want to know about your daughter and the new school? Well, Tommy, surprise, surprise. She loves it. She’s thriving there. She’s always been a learner, you know? She’s smart.”
“Fucking genius.” Tommy sounded proud, but for once this didn’t annoy her.
She yawned again and looked at him. “You need to be consistent. She needs that from you.”
He had the grace to look guilty. “You never seemed that happy to have me around. Makes it awkward.”
“Because I couldn’t count on you. You’re not reliable. You don’t stick around when things get hard, Tommy.” She twisted in her seat to look at him as she unbuckled her seat belt.
“I know that.”
Marian sighed. “Thanks for the ride. I’m really tired, and I’m really, really wishing I hadn’t had that last drink. Come around more often. Get to know your kid better. Just…call first, okay?”
He laughed. “Yeah. Okay. Hey, Mare?”
“Hmmm?”
“Remember when you told me ‘If you kissed me right now, I would stick my finger down my throat to puke the taste of you off my tongue’?”
She laughed at the memory, then winced. “Yeah. I remember.”
“Would you still?”
“Tommy,” Marian said warningly, moving toward the car door and putting up a hand. “Don’t you dare.”
“Sorry. I just want you to know that I do realize how bad I fucked up. I know you think I don’t, or that I didn’t care. But I did then, and I still do. I know you’ve got a good life going on, and I guess part of the reason why I don’t come around as much as I should is because I envy your life.” Tommy said all of this matter-of-factly, without drama, but more sincerely than Marian could ever recall him being.
“Wow.” For a moment she could say no more than that. Then she shook her head. “Thank you for saying that.”
Her dad had been right, she thought as she got out of the car and headed for the front door. About giving Tommy some slack. Her dad had always been right about a lot of things.
She found her father in the recliner, the television turned low to some game show she didn’t recognize. Briella was asleep on the couch. Marian got her up as quietly as she could, walking her first to the bathroom to go before she took the girl upstairs and tucked her into the double bed in Marian’s old room.
Downstairs, Marian drank a glass of water and took some aspirin against the coming-on hangover. The swell of applause from the living room blocked out most of another noise, a hacking kind of squawk that raised the fine hairs at the back of her neck. She froze, listening for it.
There. Again. A cackle, almost. And then a low warble, tuneless but familiar. Disgustingly familiar. More singing from that fucking raven. Her throat closed as her stomach lurched, threatening to spill a hot mess of bile out of her mouth.
“Dad?”
When the noise came one more time, Marian ran for the living room. She expected to find him convulsing, a hand on his heart. Or worse, that fucking bird hovering over him, pecking at his eyes.
As she watched, her father’s mouth dropped open. He let out that noise, that horrible, terrifying noise. A caw, muttered and whispery, the sounds Briella’s damned raven made when it had been caged in the den.
“Dad!”
Her father snorted, struggling upward from the chair. “Wha’? Marian? What’s happening? Are you okay?”
She grabbed for his hand. “Are you okay? You were making funny noises.”
“I’m fine. I was dreaming….” Her father waved his other hand, trailing off.
Marian sank onto the couch, swallowing hard, over and over, against the sou
r taste in her throat. She was shaking. Her fingers linked through his.
“What were you dreaming about? Was it a bird? A big black bird?”
Her father looked startled. “No, dolly girl. I was dreaming about the angels tapping on the windows. Oh, and singing. They were singing to me. But I can’t remember the song now. I’m sorry I scared you.”
“I had a little too much to drink, Dad. My head’s fuzzy. I’m going to stay the night here, okay?”
“Of course, of course.” He craned his neck to catch a glimpse of the clock. “What time is it?”
“Late. Let’s get you to bed too, okay?”
“Ah…no, no. I’m going to sit here for a bit. I like to watch the late programs.”
“It’s not good for you to sleep in your chair, Dad. You should get to bed.”
“Marian,” her father said gently, “I’ve been sleeping in this chair for the past nine years. I think one more night won’t hurt.”
Guilt flooded her. How could she not have known this? Still, she wasn’t going to argue with him, not now. She didn’t have the fortitude for it.
“Go to sleep. When you wake up, I’ll make you and Briella pancakes. Okay? Just like when you were a little girl.” Her father squeezed her hand.
It had been quite a night. Marian brushed her teeth and pulled her hair into a soft pineapple puff on top of her head. She didn’t have the time or energy for more than that tonight. She changed into a T-shirt and shorts from her old dresser and climbed into bed next to Briella. She texted Dean to let him know she was staying over. After a moment’s hesitation, she texted Tommy to thank him for the ride.
She was asleep shortly after her head hit the pillow, but slept restlessly, with lots of bad dreams.
* * *
She woke later than she’d planned, with a dry mouth and headache, though thankfully that was the worst of it. Briella was not in the bed beside her. The rise and fall of voices through the heating vent told Marian her daughter and Dad were in the kitchen. The smell of pancakes wafted up too.
Downstairs, Marian watched him expertly flip the pancakes, making Briella giggle. Dad looked better than he had in a long time. Chipper, lively, moving about the kitchen without any hint that he might be in pain. He made no mention of the dreams or angels tapping at the windows or anything else.