by Katie Ashley
As I walked up the hallway to the tune of my self-deprecating tirade, another voice broke through. Forceful and unrelenting, it was one I battled daily. It liked to call itself the voice of reason, but it was more like the voice of lunacy to me.
Man up. That beautiful girl in there loves you, and you love her, too. You’ve probably loved her since the night she called for you in the hospital. You’re just too fucking scared to admit it. You want to try to say she doesn’t know what she’s saying or doing because of what she went through with Mendoza. But the truth is you’re afraid you’re not good enough for her. After all, you’re just a biker with a two-year degree, and she’s political royalty from a privileged upbringing.
“Go fuck yourself,” I muttered to the voice.
“Excuse me, Prez?” Jolting Joe asked. He had a trash bag in one hand and was tossing beer bottles in with the other. As a prospect, he wouldn’t be getting any ass tonight like some of his brothers were. He would be on cleanup duty, and from the looks of it, he was going to be busy for hours.
“Sorry, Joe. I wasn’t talking to you.”
“You okay, Prez? You look a little pale. Need me to make you a hangover drink?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m good. Thanks.” When I started to the back door, I stopped. “Hey, Joe?”
“Yeah, Prez?”
“Take five on the cleanup and go stand outside my room. Annabel’s sleeping in there. If she wakes up or screams or something, call me on my cell.”
“You got it.”
I wouldn’t be gone long. I had promised Annabel to come back to her, and I would never let her down. Not intentionally at least. When I reached my house, I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and then sat down on the couch. There was a phone call I dreaded to make, but it had to be done. I knew I would hate myself in the morning, but in the long run, it was what was best for all of us.
FIFTEEN
ANNABEL
When I woke up in the morning and surveyed my strange surroundings, I bolted straight up in bed and screamed. The door flew open and a bleary-looking prospect, whom I had met last night, tumbled in. At the sight of him, I drew the covers tighter around me.
The guy held up his hands. “I ain’t here to hurt you or anything. Prez put me on post in case you woke up.”
“Where is Rev?”
“He’s having breakfast.”
I nodded. “Thanks for letting me know.” When I sat up straighter in bed, I winced at the pain that shot through my head.
“Regretting the Jack from last night, huh?” he asked with a smile.
It was then that I remembered he had been the bartender. “Jumping Joe?” I questioned.
He laughed. “Jolting Joe. Got my soon-to-be road name from Joe DiMaggio.”
“You were a baseball player, huh?”
His jovial expression turned sheepish. “Uh, it’s more for the way I can swing a bat and knock someone out.”
I didn’t know if I should be amused or horrified. “Well, thanks for letting me know where Rev is.”
“No problem.”
Once Joe closed the door, I threw back the covers. Gazing down at myself, I realized I didn’t have any reason to be modest since I was still in my clothes from last night. When I rose from the bed, my entire body ached. It had been so long since I’d had anything alcoholic to drink. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember what had possessed me to have so much last night.
Then it hit me. Hearing Deacon and Alexandra’s announcement about their baby boy had sent me spinning. Like an idiot, I thought alcohol would fix things—like some sort of liquid bandage for my broken soul. But in the sober light of day, I still had to face the fact that it would take nothing short of a miracle for me to become a mother.
Rubbing my shirt above my bruised heart, I gazed around the room. Memories from Rev bringing me in last night came flooding back to me. We had danced. And then I had kissed him. Just when I wanted to feel extreme remorse for what I had done, I remembered he had kissed me back. He was a good kisser, too, from what I remembered.
But then I couldn’t ignore the fact that he had pushed me away before things had gone too far. Of course, it appeared to be under the pretense of him having to take care of business. I wondered if he had ever returned, but then I peered down at the bed and saw the indentation of his body.
I wondered what was going through his mind this morning. He was noble to a fault, so I imagined he would be feeling the remorse that I probably should be. Although only a month had passed since the Raiders had freed me from my captivity, I was ready to move on. My therapist encouraged me to try to move forward in all aspects of my life, from school to my ability to trust men. During our sessions, the mantra that not all men were evil and were going to hurt me was something we frequently repeated. It was hard to overcome my knee-jerk reaction to feeling threatened in a strange man’s presence. While we had yet to work through how a future love life might work for me, I couldn’t help being confused as to why my love life seemed to still need blocking with yellow caution tape like the police did at crime scenes.
At the end of the day, Mendoza would haunt me until I was able to give myself emotionally and physically to another man. I had to wonder if the longer I waited, the more I was allowing emotional scar tissue to build up, making it harder and harder to be intimate with someone. Many victims of trafficking and rape were in relationships or married, so it wasn’t like they put on a habit and went to their local nunnery. They had to work through the emotional landmines to reconnect physically with their partners.
I felt I had spent the last month getting to know Rev on such a deep level that I was ready to risk a relationship that went further than friendship. I just didn’t know how to convince him that his steadfast image of me as a cracked china doll wasn’t who I was.
After running a brush through my hair and improvising without a toothbrush, I decided to go in search of Rev and some strong coffee. When I got to the end of the long hallway, I faltered at the sight of all the strangers milling around the front room. Closing my eyes, I inwardly chanted, You can do this. These people are Rev’s family. They won’t hurt you.
My eyes flew open at the sound of a familiar voice. “Morning, Uptown Girl,” Bishop said with a wave. His warm grin instantly put me at ease.
“Morning, Bishop.”
“You hungry?” he asked as he came to meet me.
“A little. More than anything, I’d love some coffee.”
“Come on. I’ll take you to Rev.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Bishop.”
Whenever I met the eye of one of the Raiders or their old ladies, which was still a hard term for me to get used to, I received a nod of the head or a friendly smile. I didn’t know if they were being kind because of what I had gone through or because I was with Rev, so to speak.
When Rev caught sight of me, a range of emotions flashed across his face. After settling on the one that looked like he was glad to see me, he came forward and gave me a hug. “Good morning.”
“Morning,” I replied as I squeezed him tight. His usual manly smell was mixed with coffee and bacon, which made me feel both comfort and longing.
When I pulled away, he appeared apologetic. “Sorry I left you this morning, but you were sleeping so peacefully I hated to wake you up.”
“It’s okay.” With a sheepish grin, I added, “I definitely needed to sleep off the alcohol.”
He laughed before turning to pour me a cup of steaming coffee. “Have some of this while I fix you a plate.”
Leaning back against the counter, I blew tiny rivulets in the black liquid to cool it off. At the same time, I kept an eye on Rev as he went about getting my food. I thought that when he was around a large group of his brothers, he might shy away from openly taking care of me, like somehow it would be seen as him being pussy-whipped. But the one thing I most loved about Rev was how he never put people’s opinions of him above being his kind, caring self. It was truly endearing.
&nbs
p; When he came back with a plate heaped with bacon, eggs, and hash browns, my eyes widened. “You can’t be serious.”
“You need some good, greasy food after all that alcohol.”
Glancing down at the plate, I said, “But I couldn’t eat all of this even if I didn’t have a weak stomach from drinking.”
Rev winked. “Just eat what you can.”
“Okay.”
He placed a hand on my back and guided me out into the main room. We sat down at a table with Deacon, Alexandra, and Bishop. “What did you think of last night?” Alexandra asked.
“It was interesting.”
Bishop snorted. “Interesting how?”
I chewed thoughtfully on a piece of bacon as I tried to put into words what I had experienced.
Misjudging my silence, Deacon said, “It’s okay if you didn’t like it, Annabel. This life ain’t for everyone.”
Shaking my head, I replied, “No, no, it isn’t like that. I enjoyed watching the patching ceremony and seeing the way everyone acted like family.” I looked pointedly at Deacon. “It showed me how someone would want to be a part of this life.”
My response seemed to please the Malloy brothers. Deacon even gave Rev a knowing look, which Rev responded to by ducking his head.
After finishing what I could of my meal, I noticed an old upright piano across from us. I stood up and went over to it. “Does anyone ever play this?” My fingers were already tinkling lightly over the keys.
“Not since Jim Beam died,” Rev replied as he came to my side.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
Rev laughed. “Jim Beam was the oldest member of the club. He literally lived and died with a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand. He could even ride one-handed and drink.”
“I guess that’s how he got his road name, huh?”
“Yes. It is.” He nudged me closer to the bench. “Why don’t you play something?”
I widened my eyes as I shook my head wildly. “Oh no, I’m out of practice.”
“I’m sure you’re just being modest.”
“Ah, hell, Rev, don’t encourage her,” Bishop said behind us. When I turned around, he winked. “She’ll just end up torturing us with some of that fruity classical shit.”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I countered, “Is that all you think I can play?”
“Like you know any hard rock or blues. That’s what Jim Beam always played. You’d swear sometimes you were listening to Jerry Lee Lewis.”
“Impressive. Did he also play the piano while holding a whiskey bottle?”
Bishop grinned. “Hell yeah.”
“Well, I’m afraid ol’ Jim Beam beats me on that one. But . . .” I pushed the piano bench aside and sat down. “Maybe I can find something that would impress even Bishop’s musical taste.”
“Bring it on,” Bishop challenged.
I hadn’t lied when I told Rev I was out of practice. It had been months since I had touched a piano. In fact, it was even before my captivity with Mendoza. But I was never one to shy away from a challenge.
My hands momentarily hovered over the keys as I closed my eyes and mentally went over the opening of the song. Within seconds, it all came flooding back to me. My fingers hit the ivories and I began pounding out the opening of “Great Balls of Fire.” It was actually a song I had wanted to learn back in the day, especially since my parents hated me to do anything that wasn’t classical or tasteful. Regardless of the fact that he was a musical genius, it would be hard to argue that Jerry Lee himself was very tasteful.
As soon as the guys recognized what I was playing, a roar went up among them. I was treated to catcalls and whistles, which fueled me to play even harder. A pleasant warmth ran through me as I was mentally able to slide another piece into the puzzle that made up my former self.
I finished the song in a flourish. Strong applause rang through my ears, sending a flush to my cheeks of both embarrassment and pride.
When I dared to look over my shoulder at Bishop, I found him grinning like the Cheshire cat. “Damn, Uptown Girl. I’m sure as hell glad I didn’t put money on that. You would have owned my ass.”
I laughed at his summation. “Once again, I think I have to do a song just for you.”
Sweeping a hand to his chest, Bishop replied, “I’m touched.”
Although I would have loved to play “Uptown Girl” for him, I didn’t know it, so I had to settle for another Billy Joel classic, “Piano Man.” When he recognized the tune, Bishop clapped his hands in appreciation. “I need to get my lighter!” he shouted over the music.
As I laughed, I couldn’t help feeling more alive than I had in a long, long time. It was something about my converging worlds. If I was honest with myself, I probably felt more alive among Rev and his brothers than I ever had back in my old world.
“Annabel.”
At the sound of that voice, my fingers froze on the keys. No. This couldn’t be happening. Before panic could set in, I whirled around on the bench. Seeing him caused my chest to clench in agony.
“F-Father?”
He forced a smile to his face—one that didn’t reach his eyes. “You look well,” he said, as if he was surprised to find me in one piece or not covered in tattoos and piercings.
“I am well. Thank you.” I fought the urge to add, I’ve told you as much on the phone. But I didn’t.
His hands fidgeted with his gold cuff links. “Your mother is outside in the car. She wanted to wait to make sure you were all right before she came in.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes at that statement. Of course she had refused to come inside. She probably thought she would get some disease simply from being around some of the Raiders.
It was then I knew I had to ask the question that was weighing heavily on my mind. “How did you find out where I was?”
My father didn’t answer. Instead, he glanced behind me at Rev. I pinched my eyes shut as the sudden horrible realization crashed down on me. It couldn’t be true. Rev wouldn’t do that. He respected my feelings on the subject of my parents. More than anything, he knew how much that would hurt me, how it would ruin every perfect thing between us.
Slowly, I turned around to face him. His ashen expression told me everything before he said, “I did. I called him.”
As his betrayal washed over me, I literally staggered back, my legs bumping into the piano bench. When Rev reached out to steady me, I slapped his hands away. “Don’t you dare touch me!” I hissed.
“Annabel, please.”
My mind spun with questions. What had Rev been thinking, calling my parents? How could he possibly not know how much I didn’t want to return to Virginia and my parents? After our time together, was it possible I had completely misjudged who he was? After taking several deep breaths and letting the initial shakes run through me, I regained my composure. There was no way in hell I would break down in front of all these people, nor would I go off on Rev in front of his brothers. Although I felt he had disrespected me in the worst way, I wouldn’t do the same to him.
Instead, I walked on trembling legs over to my father. “I’ll go get my things and meet you at the car.”
Relief flooded his face. I’m sure in his mind he had prepared himself for some kind of showdown in which he would have to resort to taking me kicking and screaming back to Virginia. But after what Rev had done, there was nothing left for me here, and certainly no reason to stay.
As I started for the back door, Alexandra came to my side. “Would you like some help?” she asked softly.
“No. I can get it myself.” When I looked over at her, I saw tears in her eyes.
“I don’t mind.”
I shook my head and reached over and hugged her. “Take care of yourself and the little man.”
She sniffled. “I will.” She pulled back to stare intently at me. “I don’t care what Rev did or how you feel about him. You do not have to go back with them. You would always have a home here.”
Her words touched me de
eply because I knew they were sincere. Regardless of what Deacon or Rev might say, she would insist on having me stay. It was the truest example of a female friendship I had ever experienced. “I wish I could. But I can’t.”
After gently placing a hand on her belly, I kissed Alexandra’s cheek and walked out the door. The tremors that ricocheted through my body made it difficult to walk. I stumbled several times. I hadn’t made it halfway down the street before Rev chased me down. “Would you just stop for one minute to let me explain?”
“There’s nothing to say. You went behind my back when you explicitly knew I didn’t want my parents to know my location. How the hell can that possibly have a reasonable explanation?” I didn’t wait for his reply. Instead, I stomped up the front stairs and then growled in frustration when I had to wait on Rev to bring the key.
“I didn’t call them to come and get you. I just thought they had a right to know where you were. I thought they might come down for a visit or something. I didn’t think it was good for you to be away from them. It never crossed my mind that they were going to come down here right after I talked to them last night.”
I froze. “What did you say?”
He jerked a hand through his hair. “I said I called them last night.”
I momentarily fought to breathe. I didn’t know how things could get worse, but I was learning otherwise. “Last night after we kissed?”
Rev stared down at the rug. “I guess.”
Streaks of red-hot anger blurred my vision. “You fucking coward! You got so freaked out by kissing me that instead of acknowledging your potential feelings for me, you decided to get rid of me.”
Gone was the hard-core biker and my tough-as-nails rescuer. In his place was a broken man. When he still didn’t look up, I placed my hands on his chest and shoved him with all my might. “Dammit, at least have the nerve to look me in the face!” I demanded.
When he finally looked up, his eyes were haunted. “I thought it was for the best.”
“No, you only thought of what was best for you. I mean, God forbid you actually admit that you have feelings for me.”