Friends Without Benefits

by Dena Blake

  “You are really fucked up.” She swiped the phone from Grace’s hand and tossed it to the couch. “Why don’t I go find Brent and tell him just how close the two of you are?” She spun around to leave.

  Grace caught her by the arm. “No. I don’t love her like that.” When Emma focused on Grace’s hand clasped around her arm, she let it drop. “We were involved once, but that was over a long time ago.”

  Emma’s neck heated, and the room immediately felt smaller. This was information she hadn’t heard before or expected. “So you just flash those tail feathers of yours in front of her whenever you need to feel good about yourself.”

  “She’ll never love you like she loves me.” Grace opened the front door. “You need to either accept that or get out of her life.”

  The pathway became sketchy as Emma scrambled to her car. She fumbled with the key fob, hitting every button until she finally heard the familiar chirp. Once she was in the driver’s seat, she fought to take in a breath. No wonder Dex couldn’t get over her. She pressed her forehead to the steering wheel. It would be Emma’s own fault if she went any further with this relationship.

  * * *

  Had she misread the whole situation? Were Dex’s feelings for Grace purely platonic? She shook her head. No, she remembered the state Dex was in at the wedding. She was clearly in love with Grace. A huge rock had formed in Emma’s stomach. Carrying a torch from a schoolgirl crush was one thing, but knowing Dex had actually had sex with Grace was a whole different story. She had to know if Dex felt the same for Emma as she felt for Dex, or she had to break this off now. If she didn’t, this would only end badly for Emma. The thought of losing Dex had already created a massive explosion in her heart.

  She pulled up in front of the house where Dex was hanging lights and honked. She hadn’t known the exact address, so she’d started at the beginning of South Grove and driven until she’d found her.

  Dex ran to the car. “Hey, this is a nice surprise,” Dex said as she leaned through the window opening and kissed her.

  Emma plucked a cup out of the holder in the console and handed it to her. “I thought you might need some coffee.”

  “Awesome.” She took it from her and glanced over her shoulder. “If you have a few minutes, I can probably take a break.”

  “Sure.” She reached into the back and set a jug of coffee on the console. “I brought some for your team too.”

  “Oh, man, you’re spoiling us.” Dex ran around the car and hopped into the passenger seat.

  “It’s pretty cold out there.” She tapped the temperature reading on her dashboard, which showed twenty-six degrees.

  “Are you okay?” Dex seemed to notice Emma’s mood.

  “I’m not sure.” She stared at the steering wheel, out the windshield, at the coffee on the console between them. Everywhere but at Dex. The internal battle of what she should do and what she wanted to do was raging inside her.

  “Talk to me.” Dex reached over and took her hand.

  She blew out a breath and summoned her courage. “I went to talk to Grace this morning.”

  “Why?” Confusion seemed to set in with Dex.

  “It seems like she’s always in the middle of everything we do. Even when she’s not physically between us, she’s calling.”

  Dex’s phone chimed right on cue. She ignored it.

  “I can’t continue”—she glanced at the ceiling and slowly shook her head—“whatever this is I have with you, if you’re still in love with Grace.”

  The pink hue starting to return to Dex’s cheeks disappeared. “What did she tell you?”

  Not the reaction Emma wanted. Just one word of protest to let her know it wasn’t true would’ve given her hope, but there was none. The rock in her stomach doubled in size. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t compete with her.”

  “I’m not asking you to compete with her, Em.”

  “Oh, but you are. Every time you bring her into the conversation, tell her where we’re going, or talk to her about me.”

  “I don’t talk to her about you.”

  “Because she doesn’t want to hear it, right?”

  Dex nodded.

  “Well, there’s one good thing.”

  “What are you so scared of, Em?”

  She gripped the steering wheel. “I’m scared that you’ll never love me as much as you love her.” She stared up at the ceiling, took in a deep breath, and let it out. “When I saw you at the wedding, I was off-the-charts smitten.” She closed her eyes as the vision filled her head. “I thought, how can she still be single? Then I saw your face after Grace and Brent said their vows. And then you caught the bouquet and got so fucking drunk. I knew you were in love with her.”

  “I can’t deny that.” She shook her head. “But you’ve become very important in my life.”

  “But you’re not completely over her.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “Sometimes I feel like this thing that I think we have”—she motioned with her hand between them—“is one-sided. I need you to be all in with me.” She let her hands fall from the steering wheel. “I’m right here. I’ve stripped away all my walls. I’ve let you in. I need that from you too.”

  “Then please stop making this about Grace.”

  “I can’t. She’s right here in the middle of us all the time.”

  “You’re making it more complicated than it is.”

  “Then help me uncomplicate it. Just tell me what you want, Dex, even if it’s Grace. If that’s the case, I’ll just go away, and you won’t have to deal with me anymore.” Dex’s silence was more than an answer. Emma closed her eyes and tamped down the pain inside. “I thought maybe you’d gotten over her, but it’s pretty apparent that you haven’t.”

  “I have. I am, but it’s not that simple, Em. We have a lot of history together. She’s been my family since I was twelve. We’ve been through things together that I just can’t forget.”

  “I’m not asking you to forget your history with Grace, Dex. Hell, I’m not even asking you to cut her out of your life. Most women would insist on that. But I can’t share your heart with her or compete for your attention. I won’t.” She shook her head. “So I’ll leave you to whatever you need to do until you decide what you want.”

  Dex reached over and swiped a tear from Emma’s cheek with her thumb. “But—”

  “Don’t do that.” Emma reached up and removed Dex’s hand. “Please.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “The thing is…there’s this girl that I love, that I’m not sure I can live without.” She paused a moment to keep from sobbing. “But I can’t live with her if she’s in love with someone else.” Emma picked up the jug of coffee and handed to her. “I want to be the one, Dex. I really do. But I need all of your heart, half of it won’t work, and I just don’t know if I can hang around and wait for you to get over her. Take some time. Figure it out. I can’t be second choice, and I’m afraid you’ll end up hating me for hating her.”

  Dex got out of the car and just stood there staring through the window at her. Emma ignored the tears streaming down Dex’s face as she put the car in gear and sped away. She let out a huge sob as she glanced up at the rearview mirror to see Dex still standing in the middle of the street when she turned the corner.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Dex sat on the couch at home in the dark with Panda on her lap. She’d been successful at keeping Emma out of her thoughts while she was working, but all her distractions were gone now. She glanced out the plate-glass windows spread across the front of the house. The glow of Christmas lights had begun to light the room. She stared at the magical hues she’d loved since childhood and thought about how the day had played out. She’d already replayed it too many times in her head, and she didn’t know how their relationship had disintegrated in so little time. Panda purred as Dex rubbed under her ears.

  Everything had been wonderful Sunday morning when she’d left Emma’s house. She’d been so happy to see her when sh
e’d showed up at the job site, then totally stunned at the emotional bombshell Emma had dumped on her. And she’d been even more surprised at herself for not having the courage to tell Emma how she felt about her. The more she thought about watching her drive away, the more it hurt.

  Knowing how much Emma was hurting and that she’d caused it magnified the pain in her heart a thousand times. She’d watched the emotions play out in Emma’s face as she’d gone from thoughtful, to curious, to intensely sober, and then, in a flash, detached—all in the span of ten minutes. Seeing the tears flow down her cheeks had sliced right through Dex, and she couldn’t do anything to fix the situation. She couldn’t think of any way to ease her pain until she fully purged her feelings for Grace and put the loyalty she held for her in its proper place.

  Emma was right. Dex hadn’t given her heart to her completely because she was terrified of being hurt again. She’d created a wall to prevent her heart from being smashed to pieces like it had been when she’d given it to Grace so long ago. Any smart girl would’ve distanced herself from Grace right then.

  She took her phone out of her pocket and stared at the voice mail she’d received from Grace during the middle of her conversation with Emma. Her fucking timing was ridiculous. She still hadn’t listened to it and slid it onto the side table. She was going to have to deal with her, but she couldn’t do it right now.

  The front door flew open and Panda scattered. “Dex, are you home?” Juni asked as she hustled inside. “I brought pizza.”

  “I’m here,” she said softly from her place on the couch.

  “Why is it so dark in here?” Juni flipped on the lights, and Dex blinked to adjust to the brightness. “Have you just been sitting there since you called me?”

  “Yeah.” She hadn’t known what else to do.

  Juni dropped the pizza box on the kitchen counter, took her coat off, and hung it on the back of the kitchen chair before she came into the living room. “Fuck, Dex. You haven’t even changed your clothes yet.”

  “Didn’t feel like it. No reason to.”

  “Oh, honey. It can’t be that bad. What happened?”

  “Emma told me yesterday that she doesn’t want to see me anymore.”

  “What? Just like that? She didn’t give you a chance to talk?”

  She shook her head.

  Juni flopped on the couch next to her. “Then why don’t you march right back over there and tell her how you feel?”

  “Because I don’t know how I feel. Maybe she’s right.”

  “Jesus, Dex. Don’t you think you should’ve thought about that before you made her fall in love with you?”

  “Thanks, Captain Obvious. That makes me feel a whole lot better.” She launched off the couch. “What kind of pizza did you bring?”

  “Hold on a minute.” Juni launched off the couch as well and followed her. “I need more details.”

  Dex took a couple of beers from the refrigerator, opened them, and handed one to Juni. She leaned against the counter and took a long pull before she told Juni what Emma had said to her, fighting to keep her emotions under control as she recited the events. When she lost the battle, Juni rounded the counter and took her in her arms.

  “I’ve never encouraged Grace’s neediness. Have I?”

  “You haven’t encouraged it, but you haven’t rejected it either.”

  She swiped at her tears. “Explain.”

  Juni backed out of Dex’s personal space and propped herself against the adjacent counter. “Here’s the thing, Dex. If I were Emma and you were a guy, I would’ve left you in the dust a long time ago.” Juni had her attention now. “You can’t be in love with Emma and still jump every time Grace calls.”

  “I don’t do that.”

  “Yes, you do. Enough so that it came between you and Emma.” Juni paced across the room. “Grace has you so fucked up, you may be permanently damaged. Too damaged for any other woman. I have to give Emma credit. She tried.”

  “That fucking blunt gene you have that comes along with the sister gene sucks.”

  “I know it does. But you need it right now. Everyone at Grace’s wedding saw how devastated you were, including Emma. Yet she took care of you, left you sweet little notes in the morning. Remember?”

  Dex closed her eyes. “I do.”

  “Has Grace ever done anything like that for you?”

  “Not like that, but she’s always been there when I needed her.”

  “You have to know by now that she’s never going to be that person for you.” Juni poked a finger into Dex’s chest. “That person is Emma. You know you’ve made a big fucking mistake by letting Grace interfere. I can see it in your eyes right now.”

  She lifted her shoulders and let them drop. “So what do I do?”

  “You wait a few days. Emma’s going to miss you.” She ripped a few paper towels from the rack and snagged a slice of pizza from the box. “In the meantime, you have to tell Grace that Emma comes first. Set the boundaries, Dex, or she won’t ever stop.” She held the slice in front of Dex, and she waved her off. “You work out in the cold all day. You have to eat.” She took Dex’s hand and put the slice in her palm.

  She blew out a breath and took another pull on her beer. “That’ll be a challenge.”

  Juni chuckled. “At best. But you can’t beg forgiveness from Emma until you’ve taken care of the problem.” She grabbed another slice of pizza from the box and settled into a stool at the counter.

  “And Grace is the problem.”

  Juni shook her head. “Not just her. You’re in this one up to your eyeballs.”

  “I’ll call Grace tomorrow and take care of it.” Dex took a bite of the pizza and her stomach rolled. She tossed it back into the box.

  * * *

  Grace rushed through the front door at Dex’s house. “Sorry I’m late. I didn’t get your message right away, couldn’t find my phone.” She held it up before she dropped it into her purse, which she set on the end table. “Damn thing slid between the cushions on the couch.”

  Thinking maybe there was something to what Emma and Juni had said, Dex had called Grace. She needed to prove to herself that nothing was there, that she’d let go of her feelings for Grace. She also needed to set boundaries.

  “I thought you were seeing Emma tonight.”

  “I thought I was too. She wants to take a break.”

  “Oh? Why?” Grace’s voice rose. She was putting on a very good show.

  “It just feels like we’re going too fast, that’s all.” She didn’t want to go into the whole reason with Grace because Grace was the reason.

  “Sounds like she’s having commitment issues.”

  She flopped onto the couch and put her feet on the coffee table. “Maybe.” One of us certainly is.

  Grace pushed Dex’s feet from the coffee table and sat next to her. “You know I hate that.”

  “Sorry. I forgot.” It wasn’t like it was her house.

  “You’re going to miss her, aren’t you?” Grace’s voice was soft and comforting as she sat on the couch next to Dex and rubbed her back.

  “Actually, I am.” It had only been a few days, and she’d already wanted to call her a hundred times. “You don’t have to make it sound so permanent.”

  “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to. You’ve just been spending so much time with her.” She took her hand away. “Sometimes things can get overwhelming. Maybe a break is the best thing.” She dropped against the couch cushions. “I could certainly use one from Brent right now.”

  “What?” Dex snapped her head around. “You’ve only been married for, what, three months?”

  “Almost four, and it’s not like we weren’t together before the wedding. Now that he’s moved in with me, he’s turned out to be a totally different person.” She sighed. “He’s kind of a slob, and since I only work part-time, he expects me to do everything around the house. And he’s totally obsessed with money all of a sudden. Save, save, save, that’s all he talks about. I like havin
g the things I have and buying things when I want.”

  It appeared the conversation was going to be about Grace again, as usual. “This isn’t new. You told me this before. Have you talked to him about it?”

  “I tried, but somehow he always makes me forget what I’m trying to say.”

  “You mean, you have sex, and then everything’s great.”

  She nodded. “I don’t know why that happens. It’s not like that’s perfect. I don’t even think about him when I masturbate.”

  “Wow.” That was a whole lot of too much information.

  She shifted toward Dex. “Is that weird?”

  Dex shifted in her seat. “Kinda.”

  “What do you think about?” Grace asked the question with such nonchalance, Dex was caught off guard.

  “Um, I think about getting off.” Until recently, she used to think about Grace, but she’d pushed those thoughts out of her mind the moment she’d started seeing Emma. Emma. She took in a deep breath, and that thought rang in her head.

  “You don’t think about Emma?”

  The lump in her throat that had just begun to subside returned. I think about Emma all the time. “No. I don’t think about her or anyone else.” Not anymore. That would only make it take longer. “What do you think about?” It was a bad idea to ask, but Grace was going to tell her anyway. Because Grace shared everything with Dex.

  “Sometimes Brent. Sometimes the guy who works out across from me at the gym. Sometimes you.” Her voice rose at the end of her sentence like it was a delightful afterthought.

  What the fuck? “Me? Seriously?” She’d never shared that nugget with Dex before.

  Grace looked at her hands before she glanced up at Dex. “Sure. Haven’t you ever thought about it? With me?”

  She was way too close for this conversation. “Uh…not lately.” Dex slid farther into the couch. “You’re married now.”

  “But you have thought about it, right?” Grace stared at Dex, clearly waiting for an answer.