A Very Alien Christmas
Contents
Alien Abduction for Beginners: Christmas Assignment
Skye MacKinnon
Christmas in the Alien Bride Lottery
Margo Bond Collins
A Kiss on Delarou Valdani
Harpie Alexa
A Starship in the East
J. A. Cummings
An Alien for Christmas
Michelle Mcloughney
Melting her Snowflake
Helena Novak
Starling Wish
E.J. Powell
The Alien and the Elf
Tricia Schneider
A Zexian X-Mas
Luna Wren
Alien Abduction for Beginners: Christmas Assignment
The Intergalactic Guide to Humans
Skye MacKinnon
About Alien Abduction for Beginners: Christmas Assignment
Santa is going to stuff their stockings…
Sisters A-Vay and A-Ven are close to finishing their course in Alien Abduction at the prestigious Intergalactic University. To stay top of their class, they need to perform the best abduction Earth has never seen.
After weeks of monitoring the planet's communications, they've set their eyes on Earth's most famous man, a guy with a white beard and red coat. He may be old but he's ho-ho-hot and his bells still jingle!
Now if only the sisters knew what to do about the reindeer in the cargo bay...
A steamy standalone story set in the Starlight Universe. If you want a hilarious book involving insatiable alien twin sisters and a Santa with a very large candy cane, scroll up and read this book today. Beware, you may be abducted at any moment, so don't waste time.
Other books in the series:
Alien Abduction for Beginners
Alien Abduction for Professionals
Alien Abduction for Pirates (in the Captured and Captivated anthology)
Lesson 1: How to find a moving target
A-Vay
My skin flashes bright green as I stare at the man on the screen.
"It's him!" my sister cheers, her colouring changing just as rapidly as my own. "Finally."
We've been looking for him for over a week, but now our scanners have finally found him. Our future mate.
I take him in, all six feet of humanness. I don't want to be called speciesist, but humans are one of the sexiest aliens out there. Karangi may come close, although I think their reputation for beauty is exaggerated. This male, however, is truly stunning. His long red coat highlights his white hair and beard. His coal-black eyes are hidden beneath bushy grey eyebrows that almost seem like tiny lifeforms clinging to his face. His nose is strong with wide nostrils begging to be touched. He'll be a pleasure to kunik with.
He's surprisingly tall for a human, although he'd barely reach my chin. And soon he will. I'll have him pressed against my chest...
"A-Vay, focus," my sister snaps. "Set a new course. Let's get to his location before he moves again. This male is slipperier than a walmop."
She's right about that. Our sensors are top range, yet whenever we thought we'd spotted him, he was gone by the time we had a fix on his whereabouts. He moves fast, faster than their primitive human vehicles should allow. His vehicle is made from a native material they call wood, but we've not been able to find any details on why this wood would be superior to more advanced technologies.
My six fingers dance over the keyboard, changing our spaceship's trajectory. A-Ven prefers to use voice control, but I'm old-fashioned. I like to touch things.
I wonder what our human will feel like beneath my finger pads. I'm sure he'll be soft. Squishy. I'll be able to...
"Focus," A-Ven hisses, clearly knowing that I'm dreaming again. She knows me better than any other being in the universe. We shared the same egg and sometimes, it feels like we share the same mind, too.
I push away all thoughts of how our future mate’s beard might feel when it brushes against my face and concentrate on our ship's controls. Our target male is far away from civilisation now, making it easy to intercept him. We don't want to break the rules by showing ourselves to the locals, but I'm also desperate to finally catch him. He won't slip through our fingers this time.
"Stealth mode engaged," I mutter as we enter the atmosphere. "I'll park us a short way from his dwelling, then we can walk the remaining bit. I don't want to alert him to our presence."
"Good thinking, sis. Let's be stealthy like our ship."
A-Ven turns to the fabricator and scrolls through a list of local garments. We've been scanning Peritus long enough to find out what native females like to wear. It seems to vary a lot between regions, so I take a quick look at the weather conditions at our destination.
"Make it something loose and airy," I tell my sister. "It's almost four hundred glyptons there. That's positively scorching."
"Let's not stay there for too long or my skin will melt. I hate hot climates. Why couldn't he have chosen somewhere colder to live?"
"Trust me, we're lucky he's in that part of the planet. There are much hotter areas. We'd need survival suits to even leave our ship."
A-Ven shudders. "And that's why I prefer to be in a spaceship with good air-con. How long till landing?"
"Almost there. Better sit down, the ground here is covered in frozen liquid. I'm not sure how our landing gear will cope with that."
My sister takes the seat next to mine - we had the ship modified to have two captain's chairs - and straps in. I know she trusts me to give us the smoothest landing possible, but we've both got enough experience with travelling to strange planets to know that physics can work differently than we're used to. Before we decided to become approved abductors, we were traders. After years of travelling the galaxy, we got a little bored though without having anyone around. We tried giving hitchhikers a lift, but they rarely wanted to stay for long and always fussed around with their towels. Then we abducted our first male, only to find out it was an infertile female. We dropped her off at the nearest space station, where A-Ven saw the advert for the Intergalactic University.
Thirty lectures and four assignments later, only one abduction stands between us and a degree in Alien Abduction. And because both of us are high-achievers, we went for the most powerful male on the entire planet. We scanned their news and one male kept popping up around the world. His name varies depending on the local language, but his outer appearance doesn't change much. I can't wait to see what he hides under his long, red coat! I hope he's as packed there as his strange vehicle always is. He transports a lot of bags from one place to another, but we've not quite figured out why he does it himself. He's so powerful and well-known, why doesn't he have servants? Even the poorest male back on Ank wouldn't be seen doing hard manual labour like that. At least it should have given him excellent muscle mass. I do like males who can pin me down...
"A-Vay!"
"Sorry, sis. Landing in three...two...one..."
A loud crack in the frozen liquid beneath us signals our arrival. Our ship groans and leans to one side ever so slightly, but then everything grows silent again, leaving only the hum of the machines as they shut down one by one.
I get dressed into a strange fluffy outfit that A-Ven has prepared. It’s bulging all around me like a fat suit. I look at my twin sister, using her as a mirror. We look ridiculous. We usually prefer formfitting clothes that only cover our breasts and bums, but this is the complete opposite.
“
Pull up your hood,” she suggests. “It’s like shutting out the world.”
I do as she says, and my world turns cosy. The hood is lined with hair. I wonder if it’s of human origin. Us Ankanis don’t have body hair. Not that I mind. I’ve seen from our hitchhikers how much effort it is to keep hair and fur in order. Our target, however, has enough body hair for all three of us.
As soon as we step outside, I want to take off my clothes. It’s too hot to wear more than just the bare minimum. There’s a slight breeze, but it’s not enough to keep us cool.
“This was a bad idea,” A-Ven mutters and fans herself. “We should have waited until he travelled to a colder region.”
The air here is strange. It’s filled with white fluffy things that dance in the wind. Are those animals? A higher intelligence?
I pull out my Planelyser™ and point it at the fluff.
“Crystallised hydrogen-oxygen,” it tells us. “The locals call it snow.”
“Is it edible?” I ask.
“It’s not harmful to Ankanis, but it also offers no nutritional value.”
I shrug and hold out my hand, catching some of the snow. It disappears as soon as it hits my skin, turning into liquid.
“Look! It changed shape! It’s a shifter!”
I want to jump up and down in excitement. While in orbit around Peritus, I read some of the planet’s most popular literature. Again and again, I came across so-called shifters; beings that could change from one form to another. They sounded a lot like the extinct Mondians, who could turn into fearsome furry beasts. Sadly, that species died out long before A-Ven and I hatched from our egg, so Peritus might be the only place we’d ever get to see shifters.
“I think they’re a little too small for that,” A-Ven says mildly. “Shall we find our target before we melt just like this snow?”
“Always the serious one,” I huff. “But alright then. Let’s find Santa.”
Lesson 2: How to abduct an unwilling male
A-Ven
By the time we finally reach our target’s dwelling, I’m ready to rip off my clothes. It’s too hot on this planet. I think I made a mistake when choosing our costumes. They’re making it worse. Maybe something the natives call a bikini would have been better. It’s similar to what we’d normally wear on Ank, except that a bikini is made from even less fabric. It looks as if a human started to make a proper Ankani outfit and then ran out of material.
Four large beasts stand around the building, grazing on snow. Steam rises from their furry bodies as if they’re too hot as well. They have strange appendages growing from their foreheads, reminding me of tree branches. Strange colourful balls hang from the brown appendages, tacky and out of place. I have no idea why anyone would do that to these majestic beasts.
A-Vay points her Planelyser™ at the building.
“One human male,” the device announces. “Minimal threat. Watch out for his big sack.”
I exchange a look with my sister. “Big sack sounds promising,” I smirk. “Although I’m sure the Planelyser™ doesn’t mean what I want it to mean.”
A-Vay laughs. “We’ll find out about his big sack soon enough. Once we have him on board, we can start with the probing. Do you have the tranquiliser?”
I nod and pat my pocket. That’s the only good thing about these ridiculous sweatsuits: lots of pockets.
“We can use his vehicle to get him to our ship,” my sister suggests and points at the strange vehicle that we’ve already seen on video. It doesn’t have a roof, probably to keep Santa nice and cool. It’s made from native trees, but we’ve seen it fly through the air like a hovercar, so there must be some hidden technology inside that our scanner can’t recognise.
“This is called a sledge,” the Planelyser™ pipes up. A-Vay has accidentally directed it at the vehicle. “An ancient method of transportation. It has no engine but relies on being pulled by animals like dogs.”
I nod towards the brown beasts. “Are those dogs?”
“They are called reindeer,” the device answers and I can’t help but feel it likes correcting me. “Two females, two males. Medium threat. Watch out for the antlers.”
That must be those appendages. I wonder if they skewer their prey with them. They must be formidable hunters. Certainly not animals I'd expect to be domesticated, but things seem to be very different from Ank on this planet.
"Let's do this," A-Vay says, her voice swinging with excitement. The dark patches around her eyes have grown even darker, a clear sign that she's ready to hunt. I assume my own markings have changed colour as well. Not every Ankani has their markings around their eyes, but everyone in our tribe does. It's been passed through the generations and has become something of our brand. My nestfeeder's bank even has an Ankani man with dark mask-like markings around his eyes as her logo.
I pull out the syringe and grab it tightly. I've practised this several times. It should be easy. We're taller than our target, even though he's got a lot more bulk. We don't quite know how fast humans can move. In their video recordings that we syphoned off their global data network, we've seen everything from flying humans to immortal ones, but I assume that just like us back home they have fictional vids, not just documentaries.
Anyway, it's time to grab ourselves a male.
The house is covered in snow, hiding the roof and only letting a small chimney peek out. Smoke rises from it in lazy curls. I thought humans were advanced enough to use electricity for heat rather than fire, but we're far away from any other dwellings so maybe he's not got that sort of infrastructure yet. That doesn't correlate with his flying vehicle which must be very advanced technology for Peritus standards, but that's something we can ask him about once he's aboard our ship. I can't wait to probe him.
A-Vay scans the house with her Planelyser™.
“One door. Windows are shut. Walls are made of spiced bread. Recommend knocking, unless you want to eat the walls.”
One day, I’m going to prove that the Planelyser™ has a sense of humour.
“Edible walls?” A-Vay snorts. “We really are on the strangest planet I’ve ever visited. I wonder if our target is edible, too.”
“I’ll certainly take a nibble.” I grin. “You go and knock, I’ll stand by the door ready to inject him.”
“And you’re sure the serum is safe for humans?”
“Everything points to it. If he shows any adverse effects, I’ve got the antidote in my pocket. But don’t worry, the IGU would have told us if the serum wasn’t approved for Peritus.”
I take my position, pressing myself against the wall next to the door. It smells sweet and spicy, giving me a strange feeling of home and comfort. I understand why our target built his house this way. I’d love being surrounded by this scent all day.
“Ready?” my sister asks and I show her my smallest finger in affirmation.
She knocks on the door and steps back to give me room to attack our target. Almost immediately, the door opens and a male steps out. The male we’ve been pursuing ever since we reached Peritus.
“Ho, ho, ho,” he greets A-Vay. “Are you here to deliver your wishlist in person?”
“My wishlist?” my sister asks, but I don’t give them any time for conversation.
I launch myself at the male and press the syringe against his neck. The serum is injected automatically and before he can even blink, he collapses onto the snowy ground.
“Hey, I wanted to know what he means,” A-Vay protests.
“You can ask him when we’re back on the ship. It might distract him if the probing gets uncomfortable.”
“Probing should never be uncomfortable,” she chides me. “Not if it’s conducted by a professional. Don’t let Professor Katila hear you say stuff like that.”
I roll my eyes. A-Vay always sticks to the rules. I like to bend them a little.
Just in case, I give our male a quick health check. He seems alright, although I’ll make sure during probing. I’ve downloaded everything I could find abo
ut humans to our ship’s medical database in preparation. We’ve agreed that I’m going to look after his physical needs, while my sister will deal with everything else.
“Let’s get him back to the ship,” I say with a satisfied smile. “We’ve got some probing to do.”
Lesson 3: Probing a very willing human
A-Vay
It feels good to be back in my normal clothes again. They’re two strips of airy fabric with a line of beads connecting the two, crossing my belly and my back. Each of the beads tells a story and usually, I’d only wear this outfit for ceremonial occasions back on Ank, but I decided I wanted to present myself in the best possible way to our new human.
“He’s waking up,” A-Ven warns.
We’re in our small medbay, barely big enough for the three of us. Our ship is tiny, but until now, we’ve not needed anything bigger. Now that we have our own human, we may have to think about upgrading.
We’ve taken off the male’s red coat and some of the other garments he wore under it. It’s crazy how many layers he had under that coat. I would have melted wearing only half of them. Now he’s naked apart from bright red underpants. I’ve been desperate to take a peek and see if his sack really is as dangerous as the Planelyser™ said, but one of the rules of the IGU says that we shouldn’t proceed too fast. Our abductee needs to feel safe and comfortable when he wakes up.
My sister waves a medscanner above the male’s head and looks pleased with the results. She gives me an encouraging nod, signalling that I can start the introduction.
“Welcome to our ship,” I say loudly. His eyelids flicker open, exposing beautiful green eyes. Almost the same shade as our skin. It’s destiny.
“We have abducted you, but do not fear, we will look after you and make sure you’re happy. My name is A-Vay and this is my sister A-Ven. We-“
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