by Alix Kelso
Alison nodded and her chin began quivering as her eyes filled with tears. “It’s all my fault.”
“What are you talking about?” Chrissie frowned.
“It’s not her fault,” Irene said, her tone firm. “I keep telling her that it was an accident, but she won’t listen.”
“What was an accident?” Chrissie said.
Alison shook her head as she blew her nose with a damp tissue. “It’s my fault, Mum. Poppy swallowed my ring. I took it off and got distracted, and somehow she must have got hold of it and swallowed it.”
“She’s been beating herself up ever since the doctors told us,” Irene said, frowning and sitting back down in a plastic chair. “It was an accident.”
“An accident that could’ve been avoided,” Alison said, and Chrissie could see that her daughter was determined to punish herself thoroughly. “She swallowed my ring because I was careless and left it lying around. It got stuck in her throat, which was why she was sick and listless and had a temperature. They had to… they had to…”
When Alison hiccupped herself into another bout of crying, Gregor finished for her.
“They had to put her under anaesthetic and insert a tube down her throat to get the ring out,” he said gently.
Chrissie’s mind went into overdrive at this news. She caught the warning look on Irene’s face.
“We didn’t see the point in telling you when you would just worry all the way back here,” Irene said. “Alison didn’t want to alarm you and I agreed with her. We thought it would be best to wait to tell you when you arrived.”
Chrissie found herself nodding. Of course her mother was right, even though it infuriated her to admit it. She’d been beside herself with worry and fear on the drive back. How much worse would it have been if she’d known Poppy was having a procedure under general anaesthetic? She would’ve been tearing her skin off with anxiety.
Clearing her mind, Chrissie put her arm around her daughter and pulled her close. “But she’s fine now?”
Alison nodded. “They removed the ring no problem. The whole procedure only took a few minutes. But I can’t believe I made my little girl go through all this.”
“It was a mistake,” Chrissie said. “So do as your grandmother tells you and stop beating yourself up.”
“I know,” Alison said, her voice so soft and small it almost broke Chrissie’s heart. “I know you’re right, and Granny’s right, and Gregor keeps telling me the same thing, too.”
“Then you ought to listen to us,” Chrissie said, kissing Alison’s head and smoothing her hair back from her face.
“I’m sorry I ruined your trip, Mum,” Alison said.
“Don’t be daft.”
“But I’m so glad you’re back.” Alison gave her such a fierce hug that Chrissie could barely draw in air. She closed her eyes and held her daughter tight. Just as Alison was blaming herself for what had happened to Poppy, Chrissie was in turn blaming herself for not being there when her daughter needed her. Guilt came with the territory of motherhood, and despite what she’d just told Alison – that she shouldn’t blame herself – Chrissie knew that was exactly what she would do, because that was what she was doing, too. It was what you did when you loved someone more than anything else in the world and you knew in your heart you’d let them down.
From the other side of the room, Chrissie saw Irene catch her eye and smile. The two women exchanged a look that communicated everything Chrissie thought she’d ever need to know about being a daughter and a mother and a grandmother – and about the terrible love that you always carried inside.
Chrissie unwrapped Alison from her embrace and stepped towards Poppy. The little girl’s gaze swung away from Keith, and when her granddaughter’s sweet blue eyes met hers, Chrissie felt a surge of joy and love along with an inexplicable loss that pierced clean through her soul. She leaned over and nuzzled Poppy’s warm cheek with a kiss and ran her hands over her tiny body.
“How’s my best little girl?” Chrissie said. “How’s my gorgeous best little girl?”
Poppy smiled and tugged at Chrissie’s hair before letting out a huge yawn that sent a ripple of gentle laughter around the room.
“Just so you know,” Irene said, “everything’s fine at the cake shop. Two of my book club ladies went over there as soon as I told them what was going on, and they’ve dealt with all this morning’s cake collections. I got a message from them just before you arrived, and they’ve now closed up the shop and will drop the keys to me later.”
Chrissie hadn’t even thought about the cake shop or the cake collections. Thank goodness Irene had done her thinking for her. “That’s really kind of your friends to help out.”
Irene waved a hand. “It’s no trouble. They wouldn’t see us struggling needlessly during an emergency.”
“When can Poppy come home?” Chrissie asked.
“Later today,” Gregor said. “They need to make sure she’s fully rehydrated before discharging her.”
Chrissie nodded and pushed back a tide of emotion before clearing her throat. “In that case, I’m going to get us all some coffees while we wait. I know I could use one.”
“I’ll help you,” Keith said and followed her from the room.
They walked in silence as Chrissie searched the signage on the endless corridor walls for directions to the cafe.
“You must be relieved,” Keith said as they turned a corner.
“If anything had happened to that child, I don’t know what we would’ve done.”
“Listen, you go back and sit with your family. I’ll fetch the coffees.”
But Chrissie kept walking. “I was off gallivanting around having a good time and my daughter and granddaughter were going through hell.”
“You had no way of knowing something like that might happen.”
“I know, but…” Chrissie stopped walking. “Alison needs me,” she said quietly. “Poppy needs me. They come first. I need to put them first.”
“Of course you do.”
“I don’t think I have space in my life for my family and for you too.”
She watched him swallow hard and spread his hands.
“I’m not asking you for anything, Chrissie. I only want to be here and help.”
“I think it’s best if we have some time alone, as a family.”
“I understand, Chrissie, but—”
“I can’t do this, Keith. I’m sorry.”
He sighed in clear frustration. “I’m not asking you to put me ahead of your family, Chrissie. Why would you think I am?”
“Look, we’ve only known each other a few days. There’s nothing really going on between us.”
“And last night? You think that was nothing? Because it felt a lot like something to me.”
Chrissie closed her eyes. “Every time we’ve tried to spend time together, it’s been a disaster. Your ex-wife muscled in on our date. Gregor destroyed my bathroom. Your friend needed your help at his wedding. And it was all sort of sweet and funny. But what happened to Poppy last night was terrible and I wasn’t there for her or my daughter and I hate myself for that. And I hate that I was with you when it happened.”
Her hard words pushed him away, just like she knew they would. He stepped back, the hurt clear in his eyes.
“Chrissie, you’ve had a terrible fright, but once you’re over the shock of all this—”
“—once I’m over the shock of all this, I need to get back to real life, and forget about this fantasy we convinced ourselves we could have. I don’t have space in my life for the kind of relationship you want, Keith. You want someone to go running off with you on romantic trips and exciting adventures, and I don’t have time for any of that. So let’s just call it quits before either of us gets in any deeper than we already are.”
Keith frowned, and then pasted on a smile. “Maybe in a few days you’ll feel different.”
“Don’t make this any harder than it already is, Keith,” Chrissie said, her voice t
rembling. “Please.”
He watched her for a moment, his expression one of stunned surprise as realisation dawned. Finally, he raised his hands in a gesture of surrender.
“This is what you want?”
“This is what I want.”
She hoped Keith would turn on his heel and march away in righteous male anger. That would have made it all easier. But he didn’t do that. Of course he didn’t. Instead, he smiled sadly and stepped forward and kissed her cheek.
“At least let me know that Poppy gets home okay today.”
“Of course.”
Keith turned towards the exits. “See you around, Chrissie.”
She watched him walk all the way across the foyer. And even though she knew this was the right thing to do, the only thing to do after what had just happened, her heart still ached as the doors swung closed behind him.
27
It was just after noon when Keith pulled his suitcase through the door of The Crooked Thistle. The pub was already busy for Saturday lunchtime and he was glad to see it, because a busy pub meant there was plenty of work to do, and right now work was the only thing that would distract him from what had just happened.
“You’re back early, boss,” Sophie said from behind the bar. “How was the trip?”
“Aye, fine.”
“Did you bring back some good Highland whiskies to add to the pub’s collection?”
Images flashed through Keith’s mind – sipping whisky with Chrissie at the distillery as the heat grew between them, then drinking it in bed with her as the rain rattled against the windows. He pushed the thoughts away.
“Not this time,” he answered Sophie before gesturing to the back stairs. “I’ll just take my stuff up and I’ll be down in a minute.”
Upstairs, Keith hauled his suitcase across the landing, and as he passed the guest room, he saw Janice inside folding clothes. She smiled when she saw him.
“How was the trip?”
“Fine,” Keith said as he headed for his bedroom.
“What happened?” Janice called after him.
“Nothing happened.”
He shoved the suitcase into the bedroom, and when he turned around, Janice was standing with her arms folded and her eyes narrowed in his direction.
“We were married long enough for me to know when something’s wrong, Keith.”
Keith sighed as Janice followed him into the living room. “We had a great time. Chrissie’s fantastic. I’d like to get to know her better. But she doesn’t want to take it any further.”
Janice frowned. “Why not?”
Keith explained about the emergency phone call from Chrissie’s daughter and how Poppy had been taken into hospital and they’d rushed home to see her.
“The wee girl’s okay, that’s the main thing,” Keith said. “And Chrissie’s had a terrible fright, they all have. Of course she doesn’t want to think about relationships right now. But I wasn’t asking her to. She just brought the shutters down and I was left on the wrong side of them. Story of my life.”
Janice sat on the arm of the sofa and shrugged. “Give her a few days. Once her granddaughter’s home she might see things differently.”
But Keith only shook his head and stared out the window at the world passing by down below on Shaw Street. “I told myself I wasn’t going to do this again, and yet I’ve gone and done it. I decide I like a woman and I rush head first into it. I was stupid to ask her to go on that trip with me in the first place.”
“But she did go with you. She wouldn’t have done that if she wasn’t interested.”
“But I couldn’t leave it at that, could I? Last night when we were having dinner, I asked her if she’d go away with me again sometime.”
“And what did she say?”
“She said yes. But what else was she going to say? We were sat there eating our dinner! It would’ve been pretty bloody awkward if she’d turned me down while we were tucking into our starters.” He sighed once more, but it did nothing to release the frustration he felt inside. “I should’ve kept my mouth shut, but instead I scared her off. She’s got a full life and I tried to push my way into it. Why didn’t I just take things slowly? What was I thinking, asking her to go away with me again when we hadn’t even finished the trip we were already on? No wonder she thinks I want to take up more of her life than she’s willing to give. I listened to my heart instead of my head and it got me into the same trouble it always does.”
There was silence for a moment. Down on Shaw Street, Keith saw the two busker lads he remembered from Couper Park walking along the pavement with their guitar cases in hand. They came to a stop just along from Valentino’s restaurant and pulled out their guitars and began playing. Keith couldn’t hear the music, but he could see that the passers-by seemed to be enjoying it. He thought of how nice it had been in the park, sitting next to Chrissie while the lads played their music. He’d thought it had been a sign that something good was about to start.
He’d been wrong, yet again.
“You’re assuming the worst,” Janice said. “Give her a day or two, and then go and talk to her.” When Keith turned away from the window, he realised she was laughing softly. “Who knew that the day would come when we’d be giving each other advice about our love lives?” she said.
“Strange times, indeed,” he said and smiled. “Listen, I’d better get down to the pub and get to work.”
“Before you go,” Janice said, rising from the sofa, “could you get my suitcases down from the loft?”
Keith looked confused. “I only just put them up there. What do you need them for?”
A sober look crossed Janice’s face. “While you were away, I phoned my sister, like you said I should. I know I can’t stay here with you, Keith, and I don’t have any other options. So, I phoned Susan and we talked. At least, we got the ball rolling on beginning to talk again. I explained what had happened with Stuart and how I was living here in your guest room and that I wanted to sort my life out, and do it properly this time. After a lot of talking, Susan said I could stay with her. She’s on a work trip right now, but she’s coming to pick me up when she gets back on Tuesday morning.”
A nervous smile creased Janice’s mouth and Keith stared in amazement.
“That’s brilliant, Janice. You did the right thing. You need your sister and she’ll be a lot more use to you than I can be.”
Janice half-shrugged. “It’s funny how much can happen in a week. When I turned up here, I wanted to deviously wheedle my way back into your life and see if we couldn’t pick things up again between us.”
Keith grinned. “I know you did.”
“But once I saw you for the first time with Chrissie, I knew it would be impossible.”
“You did?”
“There’s something there between the two of you. Don’t let it slip away.”
“It’s not my choice.”
“Isn’t it?”
Janice smiled and squeezed his arm before heading to the guest room. Keith turned back to the window. Of course it wasn’t his choice. It was Chrissie’s choice.
Wasn’t it?
Out on Shaw Street, the buskers were in full swing. One of them glanced up and looked straight at Keith and gave him a quick salute. How could the lad even see him up here? Keith had no idea.
Opening the window, Keith strained to pick up the tune, and realised the lads were playing the old Smokey Robinson break-up song, The Tracks Of My Tears. Weren’t they a bit young for that kind of music? As the thought crossed his mind, one of the lads once more looked up at the window above the pub and gave Keith another quick nod and a smile.
Keith scowled and slammed the window closed and made his way down to the pub. At least everything made a little more sense down there.
28
By the time the doctors finished monitoring Poppy’s condition and approved her discharge, it was almost evening. When everyone finally returned to Fairhill, there was relief all round to see Poppy back whe
re she belonged, happily playing on the floor with her favourite plastic sheep as if nothing had happened. It was Alison whom Chrissie was most worried about. She looked utterly exhausted.
Once Irene had departed for her own house, Chrissie thought about making herself scarce to give Alison and Gregor time and space alone with their little girl after the shock they’d gone through. But just as she was making up an excuse about heading out for some groceries to make dinner, Gregor surprised her by announcing he was going to work.
Chrissie lurked in the kitchen with her jacket over her arm while words were exchanged in the living room.
“Poppy’s only just got back from hospital, and you’re going back to work already?” Alison muttered.
“We need the money,” Gregor said. “I missed a shift this morning already.”
“There’s no way you can stay and keep us company?” Alison said. “Poppy needs you. I need you, too.”
“We can’t afford for me to miss any more shifts. I’ll be home soon, I promise.”
He left quickly after that. A moment later, Alison walked into the kitchen with Poppy in her arms.
“Don’t pretend you didn’t hear all that,” she said unhappily as she sat Poppy on the rug with her toys.
“He just wants to do the right thing for this family, and that means earning money,” Chrissie said and gestured to the kettle. “Want a cuppa?”
Alison stared for a few seconds, and then startled Chrissie by bursting into loud sobbing. “I can’t believe I put my child in danger. I feel sick to my stomach with shame.”
Chrissie set down the kettle and shook her head. “No, I won’t let you say that. What happened to Poppy was an accident, pure and simple.”
“She could’ve died,” Alison said, her voice hitching.
Chrissie walked over and sat down beside her daughter. On the floor, Poppy was staring up at her sobbing mother in amazement.
“Kids are a lot more resilient than you think,” Chrissie said. “They have to be, in order to survive well-meaning, exhausted parents.”
“Oh, Mum!” Alison said, laughing and sobbing at the same time.