by Ben Zackheim
“It starts by taking down Set. And you, if you get in the way.” I got ready for her response before the words were even out of my mouth. But she just smiled.
“I love the way your mouth moves when you talk.”
“It’s the only thing that can move right now. You going to let me go?”
“I like you helpless.” She sighed, and my body freed up.
“Rebel,” I said, simply.
“She’s napping with some dead friends.” She gestured with her hand. A cloud of light floated down the tunnel. It hovered over a pile of huge slugs. Their wet, shiny bodies were dotted with thousands of small teeth.
“What are those things?”
“One of Loki’s nightmares. He likes to make them real so he can throw them into the arena for his amusement.”
“Sounds like a god’s form of therapy.”
The pile was a little too still for my comfort. But then a grunt echoed across the walls, and one of the monsters rolled over with a slithering splat.
Rebel’s red hair came into view. And then her green eyes. Her pissed off, green eyes. My body was back in my control, but it was weak. Still, I stepped between her and Tabitha. Rebel’s rageful eyes fell on me, but the fury didn’t weaken.
“Where the hell were you, Kane?”
“He was fighting the sword.” Tabitha held Excalibur up, and twirled it.
I felt Rebel’s anger move to me like a blaze. “I told you to keep your hands off that thing! You can’t control its power, Kane!”
“You were in trouble and I couldn’t get to you. I did what I had to do.”
“Great job,” Tabitha said.
“Shut up,” Rebel and I said together.
“What are you doing in Asgard?” Rebel asked Tabitha.
“I’m here to save you, apparently.”
“We don’t need you to save us,” I said. “We do fine on our own.”
“I can see that.”
“Screw y…”
Tabitha interrupted Rebel. “You need to get back to your realm, as soon as possible.”
“We’re trying to, Tabitha,” I said.
“Try harder. You’re in great danger here. As long as you’re in Asgard, the war is unwinnable.”
“What do you mean?” Rebel asked.
“It’s something to do with your prophecy, right?”
Tabitha smiled at me, like a proud parent. “Indeed, Kane. The prophecy, as you call it, is weaker in this realm. In fact, it’s weaker in all realms outside your own. The gods rule their own worlds and that gives them great leverage to interrupt the workings of others.”
Rebel turned to me. “So, she’s saying that Loki or Odin could put the kibosh on the whole ‘Kill Tabitha and Meet Your Fate’ bullshit? Why don’t we kill you right here and get it over with? I’m into that. Are you into that, Kane?”
“You could try,” Tabitha said, without any of the mirth she’d been showing so far.
The two of them stared at each other a little too long for my liking.
I broke the intensity by opening the Vault Portal. After three tries, it behaved itself and stayed open. “Throw the sword in,” I told Tabitha, pointing to the portal. Without hesitation, Tabitha tossed in Excalibur. I wanted to touch it one more time, but I fought the urge and closed the vault.
“Open your Swap Portal and leave this place now,” Tabitha said. “I have business to attend to here.”
Rebel crossed her arms. “Business, huh? Who are you fucking with this time?”
“Besides you?”
“You have a sense of humor now? Whose corpse did you steal that from?”
“I’ve been funnier since Kane drank from my veins.” The gleam in Tabitha’s eyes was a challenge.
Rebel took it.
She leapt at the Queen of Vampires.
Chapter 36
“Damn it, Rebel! I can’t take you anywhere!”
The two of them rolled across the tunnel. Tabitha was holding back. She was a powerful vampire, but she was an even more powerful god. She wouldn’t mind snuffing out my partner, but she knew I’d never forgive her.
The two of them rolled around in a mess of cloth and hair. Their grunts and gasps made a chorus of pain.
I had no idea how to stop them.
I opened the Vault Portal and grabbed the Sceptre. The response was the opposite of Excalibur. My hand belonged on its hilt. The sense of possibility excited me to the point where I’m pretty sure I grinned like a teenage boy about to get some.
I tossed it into the air and caught it. I needed a second to reacquaint myself with the feeling. Even with the sounds of bloodletting, I knew in that moment everything would be okay.
Tabitha broke away from Rebel’s grasp. Smart move. Never get in close with Rebel. But she didn’t know how much Rebel had grown as a Magicist. The last time they’d tussled, Rebel didn’t know how to do half of what she could pull off now. Before Tabitha could get a thought together, my partner threw a cube of something at the Vampire Queen. It was only when it slammed into Tabitha that I realized it was a solid chunk of kinetic energy.
Tabitha screeched and fell to the ground with a scorching black spot on her shoulder. It smoked and spread down her arm. Her scream of pain grew and grew.
Until I imagined a rush of water, intertwined with a slice of night, running down her arm.
The harsh light from Rebel’s spell subsided. A gush of dark water poured from Tabitha’s neck and flowed down her body. She groaned in relief. The Sceptre had interpreted my imagination. The only thing I could think of as she’d burned was water to douse the fire, and the velvet darkness of nighttime to douse the sunlight from Rebel’s spell.
And it worked.
But that just prolonged the fight.
Tabitha flew at Rebel with a ferocity I hadn’t seen since the last time they’d fought. Tabitha’s face stretched as her fangs grew and her eyes pulled back until they were black slits. She was in a Fury. She would fight until one of them was dead.
Again, I grabbed the Sceptre tight. Their bodies were tangled together. I imagined a slice of space between each of them. Just a thin shield of air. An impenetrable sheet of emptiness that neither of them could break through. The result was odd, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I enjoyed it. They still fought like wild animals, but every attack, physical or metaphysical, didn’t have any effect. Rebel slashed at Tabitha’s face and missed by a millimeter. She lunged into the vampire, but slid off of her like two magnets repelling each other.
They kept trying for a minute before they fell to the ground on their butts, exhausted.
“What the fuck did you just do, Kane?” Rebel asked.
“Stopped the fight with this,” I said, holding up the Sceptre like a little boy with his new toy. “Now, you two listen to me.”
“Fuck you,” Rebel said, still seething.
“No, fuck you.” I turned to Tabitha, whose face was returning to normal as the Fury faded. “We were brought here by someone. We don’t know who, but we suspect it’s Loki. We want to get out of here, too, but my Swap Portal isn’t working. Do you know who would want to bring us here, Tabitha?”
She glared at Rebel as she answered with a curt, “No.”
“You know anything about my Vault Portal?”
The queen of vampires glanced at me. “What about it, Kane?”
“Someone looted it. Do you know who?”
She glared back at Rebel. “No.”
“Well, until we find a way out of here, you’re stuck with us. So, what’s this other order of business you need to do while you’re in Asgard? Maybe we can help you.”
“I doubt it,” Tabitha said as she stood and dusted herself off. “I’m here for Thor.” Rebel’s expression went from rage to surprise. “What are you looking at, woman? He is the father of my son.”
She was referring to Hakkar.
Rebel smirked. “You guys revising alimony terms?”
“No,” she said, smirking back. “Thor wants
his cock back.”
Chapter 37
“I’m pretty sure that sentence has never been spoken before,” I said.
Tabitha smiled. “You don’t know Thor very well then.”
Thor’s severed member had helped us on the Mjölnir mission. The solo prick had a tattoo on it that pointed us in the right direction.
Tabitha swiped dirt off of her sleeves. “My sources tell me he’s here, but I haven’t found him yet. He’s probably getting drunk somewhere, as usual.”
I crossed my arms, determined to stick this conversation out, as painful as it was. “How do you plan on regrowing a dick?”
“Yeah, that’s a stretch,” Rebel said.
“A stretch is probably just what he needs,” I said. I tried not to laugh, but a snort made its escape through my nose.
Rebel gave me a fist bump. I was enjoying the moment, until something occurred to me. “Wait a second. The dick was stored in my Vault Portal. Where did you get it, Tabitha?”
“The pixies gave it to me.”
“And where did they get it?”
She brushed herself off some more. “From the sounds of it, they got it from your vault.”
“Shit. The pixies might have been the ones who stole everything.”
“They had access to the vault when we were in Set’s Wound,” Rebel broke in.
I rubbed my face as the memory came back, and stole a couple of my breaths away. “That’s right. There was a door between Set’s world and my vault. But we locked that thing down before we left.”
“Locks don’t mean much to gods,” Tabitha demurred.
“Or pixies,” Rebel added.
The Queen of Vampires turned her back on my partner. It was a sign of confidence that I doubt she actually felt. “You lost everything?” she asked me.
“Everything but the sword and the Sceptre.”
“Why would they be left behind? Those are two of the most powerful relics in existence.”
“Why are you asking me? You’re the God of the Natural World and Queen of Undead.”
“You always manage to make me sound trivial and silly.”
“Don’t tell me. That turns you on, too.”
“No. It makes me feel like putting you in your place.”
“Which turns you on.”
“Well, yes.”
“Hey!” Rebel yelled. “Can we get back on topic here?”
Tabitha crossed her arms. “And what would that be?”
“Good question. Kane?”
Things were happening so fast, I couldn’t get my head around it all.
“I don’t know.”
“Oh, that’s just great.”
“Let me think, Rebel. We need to find the vault thief. We need to get back home. We need to find the twins. We need to find where the scroll piece went.”
“That’s an ambitious list,” Tabitha said.
I glared at her. “How about you try being helpful?”
“How would you like me to help? I told you that this path is yours now.”
“Yeah, you’re just waiting for us to stumble on our fate so we can kill you.”
“Sounds like a good idea to me, right about now,” Rebel said.
I nodded. “Beginning to agree with you.”
“I have an idea,” Tabitha said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t you two join me? I’m sure Thor would be delighted to see you again.”
Rebel and I shared a quick glance at each other. It was the perfect set-up. Feifei had told us her love for the thunder god had trapped her at the temple. She also said he considered the scroll piece his property. It was possible Thor had the scroll piece in his hands.
There was just one problem.
“He’d kill us,” I said.
“What did you do now?” Tabitha asked, removing her grip on my shoulder.
“He knows we’re the ones who used his prick to find and destroy his hammer. He let me off the hook last time we met, but he made it clear that he’d take it out of my hide one day.”
“You met him in England?”
“Yeah. The last time I saw him he was sitting on his throne of porn magazines in a cave, watching two dwarves pretend to make him a new Mjölnir.”
Tabitha sighed. “He’d be a powerful ally, Kane. He was likely drunk when you met him. He won’t remember anything about you.”
“That’s probably true. He was sloshed. I’m not sure he was black-out sloshed, but he was close. What do you think, Rebel?”
My partner frowned at Tabitha, and asked an excellent question. “If he turns on us, whose side will you take?”
“Yours, dear.”
Rebel turned to me. “What about Mr. Pink?”
“Mr Pink?” Tabitha asked.
“We followed him in here. He might know something about my missing relics. You see him around?”
Tabitha shook her head. I could tell she was thinking about something.
“What’s wrong?”
“If someone led you in here and then just disappeared, that’s worrisome. Wouldn’t you agree?”
Rebel snorted. “That’s the least suspicious thing on this little trip we’re on.”
I felt tired. A wave of hopelessness swept over me. I wanted to take control of something. Anything. But Asgard had swept me off my feet, and now I was drowning in its drama.
Rebel and I tried to communicate without saying a word. She shrugged. I felt the same way.
What did we have to lose? Everything?
We were used to it.
Chapter 38
The crowd dispersed when they saw us coming.
We exited the arena and carved a wide path through the shoppers. It wasn’t me or Rebel they were wary of, though. Their terrified eyes locked on Tabitha.
“I see they know you well,” I whispered.
Tabitha smirked. “I drop in from time to time.”
“When you need Loki?”
“When I need to antagonize him, yes. Or to meet his brother. Loki hates it when I meet his brother here.”
“Something tells me that’s why everyone is freaked out by you.”
Tabitha answered with her silence, and her smirk.
Rebel glanced over her shoulder. “Where are we going?”
“There.” The Queen of Vampires pointed up the hill to the large pub where I’d lost the smelly drunk just minutes before.
“Might want to plug your nose,” I said.
Rebel and Tabitha turned their heads to me. “Why?” they asked together. I shrugged just as the stench drifted into our noses.
It was fun to watch Tabitha, usually so poised, slap at her face. “By the seven scents of Nefertem! Deliver us from this!” The odor lifted, but only for us. The other townspeople were still scrambling down the hill, screeching.
By the time we reached the pub, there wasn’t a soul in sight.
“This is his favorite pub,” Tabitha said. She looked at the place like it had stolen her lover. Knowing her history with Thor, that may be exactly what she was thinking.
The eerie silence was broken by a shriek. A small man was thrown through the front door. He landed on the street and rolled to our feet. It was the toilet-diving drunk. I didn’t have time to give him a good kick. The pub’s door slammed open so hard it splintered and fell off of its hinges.
I recognized his shape first. Thor was as unsettlingly huge as he’d been in England. He towered over everyone. He was as wide as a truck, too. His hair caught my eye. The rat’s nest of red tangles wrapped around itself, and made some kind of hipster crown on top of his head.
He was big and scary, but he was also miserable. His dark mood covered his face in a mask of boredom. His movement was lumbering, hopeless, waiting for the end.
The two prancing dwarves circling his feet filled out the picture. Brokkr and Sindri were as desperate as ever to please their master.
But there was no pleasing Thor.
“Back away, jackasses!” he yelled in his high-pitched voice.
He sounded like he was breathing a steady supply of helium.
We stood our ground, even as the giant of a god approached. His shadow cast over us. I looked up and kept my eyes on his. Their silver was chipped by black specks that gave him a cat-like stare. His eyes moved to Rebel.
She growled. Thor smirked.
“Greetings, fuckers,” he squeaked.
“Hey, nutless,” Rebel said without missing a beat.
I closed my eyes, exasperated. “Really, Rebel? That’s your opener?”
“What? He has no nuts!”
“And you thought you’d remind him of that before we even start talking?”
“He called us fuckers, so I’m pretty damn sure he’s not about to hand us a dozen fucking roses, Arkwright.”
“You will not talk to Thor like this!” said one of the dwarves.
“Stay out of this, Brokkr,” Thor said. “I can fight my own battles.”
“Please forgive me, master. I do not like the disrespect they show the god of…”
“QUIET!” Thor screeched. His face turned red. I could tell he missed whatever macho voice he used to have, before he lost his boys. His frown softened as he looked at Tabitha. “Hello, sweetheart.”
“Hello, darling. How are you?”
“Drunk,” he said. The first sign of a smile crept onto his face. It didn’t get far, but even that little peek at the thunder god’s mirth told me he could be more than the mess I saw before me.
“This is him!” the drunk yelled, as he pointed at me. “Master! He holds your penis in his vault!”
“There’s another sentence no one’s ever uttered,” Rebel whispered to me.
“Thanks, Rebel, that’s really helpful.”
Thor’s eyes burned bright as they dropped on me. “You are Arkwright?”
“I have a bunch of names, but there are a lot of…”
“Is one of those names Arkwright, boy?”
“Hey! Who are you calling boy?” I did not like to be called boy. Even by an immortal dude.
“Kane,” Tabitha muttered, as she put a hand on my shoulder to shush me.
Thor crossed his arms, and held his chin with his fingers. “Kane. Yes. That’s the name. Kane Arkwright. I remember you.”